by Layla Hagen
“Like this. Why did you do it?”
Parker walks to his desk and leans on its edge. He doesn't answer right away. I can tell he's considering his words very carefully.
"Look Jessica, it's just a precaution I take with people I let into my life."
I snort. "I specifically like how you insisted they find out if I blackmailed Alexander. All that trust talk was that just one big joke to you?"
"What, no . . ." He looks up at me and moves brusquely, as if wanting to walk over to me, but then reconsiders and stays put. Just as well. I couldn't stand being nearer to him than I am already. "I honestly meant that."
"Sure, you trusted me so much that you hired a freaking team to investigate me. I saw the date on it, Parker. You gave them this task after we went to Helen's."
"Yes. That's because I . . ." He rubs the back of his neck with one hand. "That weekend changed things between us. You know that too, Jessica."
"I do," I whisper. "But that still doesn't explain this." I hold up the file, then quickly put it on the shelf, the hard cover burning me.
"When I left for my trip I realized that I had gotten up to my neck in this, but I still didn't know much about you."
"Why didn't you just ask me what you wanted to know?"
Parker laughs humorlessly. "I learned a long time ago that you don't get the truth about people by asking them. I didn't want to fall into a trap believing you would be different."
"Of course not," I say sarcastically.
"You looked up information about me yourself, Jessica. Just because my life is out there for everyone with an Internet connection to read about, doesn't mean it's less intrusive." Am I imagining it, or is there a hint of anger in his voice?
I feel my own face getting red with anger. "In what world is looking you up on the Internet in the same league as hiring a team of detectives to go through all my crap? I looked you up, yes, but I was looking for a reason to trust you. You were looking for one not to trust me."
He shakes his head. "I was ready to give my heart to you, and I wanted to be as certain as I could that you wouldn't just crush it."
His words instantly soften me. Surely I can't blame him for wanting to protect himself from a heartbreak. After all, haven't I tried to do the same?
But he shatters any understanding I might have with his next words.
"And I had to know if there was anything in your past that could become problematic. Imagine if the press—”
"Don't bring the press up, Parker. You did this first and foremost for yourself. And if your detectives had dug up something bad enough, you wouldn't even have given me a chance."
Parker raises his hands in exasperation, a vein pulsing in his temple. I can't believe he dares to be angry. "If you were in my position, you would do the same. You could have been a gold digger for all I knew."
It takes all I have not to slap him. "Screw you, Parker."
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jessica
I storm out of the office building a few seconds later. Parker has the good sense not to follow me. I wander block after block and don't stop until my feet sting like hell—an unmistakable sign of blisters in the making. I lean on the wall of a very old building and take off my shoes, letting my feet cool on the concrete, and then I start crying. Passersby watch me, some with fear, some with pity, and some with a mix of both. I couldn't care less. Let them watch. Let them see what someone who's been slapped in the face by life and hope looks like. When I've cried myself out, I take a cab and go home.
To my astonishment, Dani isn't asleep when I enter the apartment, though it must be past one o'clock. She sits on the couch, watching TV, with a large bucket of ice cream in her lap.
"You look awful," she says.
"Parker sucks," I offer as an explanation.
"I'm sorry," Dani says.
"Me too."
She holds up her bucket with both hands and a smile. "Ice cream?"
"Sorry, I've never been the kind of girl to stuff myself with ice cream and chocolate to forget about an asshole. Tequila shots have always been the poison of my choice. Fewer calories, more of a knock-out factor."
Dani chuckles, her dark brown eyes lighting. "Glad to see nothing can beat your sense of humor."
I grin, but then my lips falter into a grimace. "The realization that today is Wednesday just did. I can't knock myself out for another two days." I eye her bucket of ice cream. "I'm getting myself a spoon."
We eat ice cream and watch two episodes of—ironically—a detective series.
"This sucks," I announce when our bucket is empty. "I'm not feeling better at all. I feel like I'm going to have a sore throat tomorrow. Whoever invented the ice cream and chocolate rule clearly hasn't had tequila."
Something inside me tells me I'm wrong. Because not all girls are the same. Good girls find solace in chocolate and ice cream. Bad girls don't look for solace at all. They look for fun and excitement, and that can be found at the bottom of a tequila shot. But bad girls also create damage that can lead to getting an innocent man fired. Damage that ensures no matter how much I try, I can't just erase all the things I did.
I learned a new and painful lesson tonight. Bad girls don't make good girlfriends.
"Let's go to bed," Dani says, and I nod.
I slip under my covers, wondering how I'll function at work tomorrow. I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. I toss in my bed for hours, angry at Parker and the world. But mostly at myself. If I had had an immaculate past, it would be so easy to label Parker as a stalking creep and move on. But given that I didn’t, how can I really blame him for wanting to know exactly how much damage anything from my past could do, if it fell in the wrong hands? His credibility is almost as important as his business skills. I rewind the conversation with him again and again until I come to the root of what really bothers me. I'm afraid he'll come to believe I'm not good enough for him.
In the darkness, I search for my phone and light up the screen. Nothing. No message or missed call from him. I try to calm my racing heart, telling myself it's normal that he hasn't. I did just walk out on him after all.
But what if it's more? What if he took that file, went through it again, and realized just how much trouble I am? He could have anyone with a squeaky clean past. He could have any woman he wants—more beautiful than me, smarter.
I curl into a fetal position, clutching my pillow in my arms. This empty feeling after being dumped is familiar. But I can’t lose Parker. I love him, damn it.
I drum my fingers nervously on my bed, the need for nicotine stronger than it's been in weeks. I sit up straight in my bed, thinking about searching for a cigarette pack. Why shouldn't I smoke? The thought of a distant future without Parker in it seems like a poor repayment for denying myself some relief right now. I start to stand but then make myself sit back on the bed. No, I won't do this. I feel a tear at the corner of my eye and quickly wipe it away. I refuse to let myself jump to any conclusions. I will wait for him to call. Maybe he still wants to make those years down the road worth it.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Parker
Bad timing. This is what goes through my mind the entire day as I listen to Gordon and the rest of the team from N.P.T. Enterprises drag on and on. As far as negotiations go, I can already tell this is going to be the dodgiest deal I'll ever make. Partly because Blakesley Enterprises in itself is a bad deal, no matter how much I try to convince them of the opposite. And partly because my mind is somewhere else. I should be somewhere else, period.
The discussions are taking place in my office, and behind Gordon, I have a direct view to the shelf where her damn folder is. I can't believe I actually said the words gold digger last night. I'm surprised she didn't punch me. I would've punched me. I didn't want to follow or call her last night because we were both angry, and angry discussions never lead to anything good. I thought I'd better let her calm down. I see now that was a mistake. At the rate this is going, I'll be stuck with Gordon's
team until long after midnight, and tomorrow will be the same story. I can hardly send her a message. What can I say? Sorry I've been an arse, talk to you in two days? I can't get out of the meeting long enough to have a real conversation with her over the phone, either.
“The assets of Blakesley Enterprises are simply not worth that much," Gordon says.
"You are a smart man, Gordon. You know very well the brand name wipes out the competition."
"If the company holds out long enough."
"It will."
"If you are so convinced, why do you want to sell it so badly?"
I lean back in my chair, forcing a smirk on my face. Desperation is never a good tactic. "I don't have companies of this type in my portfolio. It's a much better fit for your portfolio. Or Ogden's."
Gordon's face whitens, which is exactly the reaction I wanted. Hence, why I brought his biggest competitor into the discussion. Not that he made me any offer, but bluffing can go a long way in negotiations. I know this talk won't be any shorter for it. Damn it, I need to get to Jessica somehow. She's wild and impulsive, two things I've come to love about her. But if she doesn't hear from me for two days, I can bet the worthless assets of this company she'll draw some hasty conclusions. I hurt her, and that was the last thing I wanted. I don’t know if I can fix things between us, but I want the chance to explain... before she comes to the same conclusion I did: that I don’t deserve her.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jessica
No word from Parker. For two long, lousy days. As I stand in front of the mirror on Friday evening, putting on makeup, Dani enters the bathroom wearing one of the few party outfits I brought from California. I'm wearing one, too.
"We both look gorgeous," I say, and Dani smiles. She quickly accepted the dress I offered, which is definitely take-me-home-with-you length. I can tell we're on the same page. We need this tonight. Reckless fun. Consequences be damned. We're both wearing tight, black dresses and almost ridiculously high heels.
"I called a cab. It should be here in ten minutes," Dani says.
"Perfect."
After Dani goes out, I put another layer of foundation under my eyes. But there's not much I can do about the puffiness. Well, there is. Stop crying. I did quite a lot of that last night. Even now, I can feel tears forming behind my eyelids. God damn it. I'll ruin half an hour of work if I start crying now. The tears gather at the outer corners of my eyes and I wipe them gently with my fingers, making them vanish without doing any damage to my makeup.
My cell phone starts ringing just as I leave the bathroom. It's Helen. Again. She's called me plenty of times, but I haven't picked up. There are two possible scenarios how our discussion could go, and I don't like either of them. Either she knows Parker dumped me, and I don't need a pity party, or she doesn't know Parker dumped me, and I'm in no mood to update her. I'll leave the unpleasant task to Parker.
Answer your Goddamn phone, woman, Helen texts me.
I chuckle and decide to call her after all.
"I was ready to call Scotland Yard, you know," she says. “Why the hell didn't you answer your phone? Trying to avoid anyone related to Parker?"
So she does know.
"I'm not in the mood for a pity party, Helen," I warn. "I'm a big girl, I've been dumped before."
"Oh dear, Parker told me you might say that."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"He wasn't trying to send you a breakup message through his silence. Or through me. He's been stuck in meetings for the last two days. Still is. I don't think he'll get away for another two hours."
I roll my eyes. "I find it hard to believe he couldn't find a minute to text me."
"I believe he was under the impression he'd need more than a minute to explain everything."
My heart begins to beat at lightning quick speed, hope springing inside of me.
"I suppose so," I say.
"Where are you now?"
"Um . . . home, but Dani and I are leaving for Soho in about two minutes."
"Preparing for a wild night out, huh?"
My cheeks warm up. "Well—”
"Perfectly acceptable behavior for someone who thought she’d been dumped.”
“Why didn’t he tell Dani any of this?” I ask.
“I believe she’s been ignoring his calls. Girl solidarity and all that.”
I love this girl.
“So...can you postpone the girl’s night? Parker will get in touch with you as soon as possible, and I think he wants to talk to you.”
I stiffen. “I can’t bail on Dani.”
“I’ll go out with her. Haven’t had a wild night myself in a while.”
“But...” I’m at a loss as to what to say. I am...terrified. Okay, so maybe Parker hadn’t wanted to break up silently, but what if he wants to meet to break up? I really don’t want to face that.
I bite my lip then make my decision. I’m going to be brave. Whatever happens tonight, I’m going to face it head-on, like an adult. Even if it hurts. Especially if it hurts.
“Okay. I’ll tell Dani that you’re going out with her.”
“Perfect.”
Dani crosses her arms over her chest when I tell her, tapping her foot. “Are you sure this is a good idea? I can stick around and kick Parker’s ass.”
“He’s your cousin,” I remind her.
“So? Girls have to stick together.”
“Go have fun, Dani. I promise I’ll be okay on my own.”
“Fine. But call me if you change your mind.”
Fifteen minutes after she leaves, as I’m pacing through the apartment, I feel a little foolish, and I’m still terrified. When the phone rings, my heart leaps in my throat. Parker is calling.
I ignore the light tremor in my fingers and take the call.
“Jessica, hi! Helen said she spoke with you—“
“She did.”
“Where are you?”
“At my apartment.”
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
“Okay.” I want to ask why exactly he wants to meet... to make up or to break up? But I don’t have the courage, so I just disconnect the call, and pace some more. Cooking. That would help pass the time. I have twenty minutes. Pasta needs less time.
I force myself to focus on the process and not think about Parker, but pasta with tomato sauce is an easy dish. It doesn’t require concentration.
By the time I’m putting the finishing touches, rubbing parmigiana over the plated dish, the doorbell rings.
Here goes nothing.
I hurry to the door, feeling a little nauseous. Be brave, Jess.
When I open the door, I bite the inside of my cheek. Parker looks tired, but just as handsome as ever, wearing a tweed jacket over his suit. He steps inside, sniffing the air as we move from the foyer to the living room.
“You cooked?”
“Yes... I... it relaxes me.”
I’m fidgeting with my fingers, avoiding looking at him.
“Jess, I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’ve been in meetings almost constantly. I got out of the office at two o’clock in the morning yesterday and went back at six o’clock.”
“How...how did it go?”
“Hard to say, but I think they’ll buy.”
“Wow, congratulations.”
“That’s not why I’m here.”
I swallow, then look him straight in the eyes. “Why are you here?”
“Because I was a fool, Jessica. And I’m prepared to do anything to earn your forgiveness.”
I’m so relieved that I might faint. Instead, something equally embarrassing happens. I tear up. I try to hide it, but Parker catches on. He wraps his arms around me, and I hide my face in his neck.
“Sweet girl, what’s wrong?”
I stand like this, in his arms, inhaling his scent. It’s easier to talk this way.
“You hurt me, Parker.”
“I know. I am so sorry.”
“But even though your meth
od sucked, I do have a past, and it could hurt your reputation and your business, and... you could have any other woman, someone who wouldn’t cause you trouble.”
“Jess, you’re the one I want. The only one.” He tightens the hug, but then he pulls back, cupping my face. “I love you. Only you. You’re the one for me.”
I still. “Parker...”
“I love you so much, I can’t even see straight. I have no excuse for hiring someone to look into you. I wasn’t looking for a reason to distrust you, I just... I wanted to know more about you, and that was a convenient tool. I’m sorry. It’s true that I’m generally distrusting of people... or at least I was before you showed up in my life. But you’ve changed me, Jessica. You must know that, right? I know I’m unworthy of you, but I love you.”
“Why...”
My words trail away as I realize why he thinks that. It's the same reason I was convinced I was unworthy of him the night we fought. Because deep down, both Parker and I think we aren't worthy of love. At least, that’s what I thought. When I see this man looking at me with such adoration, I feel deserving of it. Somewhere between making me quit smoking and showing me that we can have our own little heaven when we want it, Parker has taught me that I deserve love. I can only hope I managed to do the same for him
“Please forgive me,” he murmurs.
I nod, still stuck on his previous words. You’re the one.
“I forgive you. And you do deserve me. Never say you don’t. I love you with all my heart.”
"Lucky I have you to view things in a different light, and make everything seem brighter, don't I, Jessica?" he asks and the edge in his voice betrays how much he fears I don't belong to him anymore.
"Yes, you have me, Parker. You do now, and you always will."
"Good," he says softly. "Because I have a feeling I'm always going to need that light of yours." There is a brief pause, and then he adds in a lower voice. "I'm sorry I had someone investigate you. I wanted to tell you, but I was ashamed. And honestly, I knew it would upset you, no matter what.”