I feel trapped.
I wish I could talk to Mary about it, but I can’t do that. I can’t tell anyone…
I keep looking at that drawing Becky did for me. It’s that peek at the future I wrote about before. But I think – to Becky – it’s a still-life. She’s captured a memory, much like a photograph. It’s the memory she wants to believe in.
We tend to have selective memories. Our ability to recall events is strangely picky. If another person’s involved – if it’s a shared experience – so many times the two of you recall things differently. I don’t know what that is, but it’s true. Like the song from Gigi – he remembers a blue sky, she remembers rain. He says she wore a gold dress, she says, “no it was blue.”
We remember things the way we like to think they were. And depending on the mood we’re in, or our frame of mind at the time, it can be good or bad. I have a lot of shared memories with Ted. He would tell a story about a trip we’d taken, but if you listened to my version you’d think we’d been on completely different vacations.
Even weirder: if we’re imagining something that never really happened – a daydream – wishful thinking almost makes it seem real. It’s like repeating a lie so many times you begin to believe it’s the truth.
That’s what Becky’s done with her painting: made something seem real, or possible, when in actuality it’s just a fantasy. The life I was beginning to imagine with Nick may turn out to be a pipe dream. If that’s the case, I don’t know how I’ll cope with the loss of that dream.
The only thing I do know right now is, I love Nick. I love him with all my heart. If I have to give him up because Danny’s come back to me, how is that fair? I shouldn’t have to lose my heart to save my soul.
Chapter Thirty-Two
A night rain had fallen. Steam rose from the damp roof shingles where the sun hit them. As Phil Madvick reached the top rung of the ladder and looked out across the housetops, the whole beach seemed to smolder. Summer was back.
Somewhere below him, Nick started up a circular saw, and its ringing grind put an end to the morning silence. Phil carefully crawled up the slippery roof until he reached the crown. He straddled it on hands and knees, and began ripping off the damaged caps, tossing them over the side.
Maddy hadn’t made any attempts to contact him in the four days since he’d sprung himself on her, and he was losing patience. He wanted to talk with her. Needed to finally connect with her, the way they had when they were young. Now that he’d broken through, Phil wanted to enter her circle and let it close around the two of them. Only then would be feel safe.
Her anger had been all the more frightening for its righteousness. He really hadn’t expected it. And it wasn’t something he did well. Anger, that is.
As Danny Phillips he’d had enough to last a lifetime. Since then, he’d learned to finesse his way out of potentially volatile situations. He knew how to use his looks, and the charm he’d developed, to their best advantage. Even when he’d been at the top of his game – just before he’d met Charles – and was thieving, taking, using just for the thrill of it, getting caught never seemed to present a real problem for him. Very few people pressed charges. The ones who did, did so reluctantly, with softly-voiced asides to the arresting officer: “Go easy on him. He’s not really hurting anything.”
But Charles had seen something more in him. Something worthwhile. He’d been only the second person in his life who had.
A shout interrupted his thoughts and he moved toward the head of the ladder, where Nick was stacking the new cedar caps. Phil picked up a few and made his way up to the top again. Nick joined him with another armload.
The past few days had been conversational black holes. Phil had tried talking to him, but Nick made no effort to respond in more than monosyllables, and he’d about given up. Today wasn’t much different, except Nick’s hammering seemed to get more vehement with every nail he drove.
Twenty minutes later Norm Nelsen’s head appeared at the roofline, and he held up two cans of soda. Phil gratefully took them back up, popped one open, and handed it to Nick, whose “thanks” was anything but gracious.
Phil sat down, his back against the chimney, and took a couple of swallows. He eyed Nick, a few feet away, and casually asked, “So, how long have you known Maddy?”
Nick’s face turned toward him, but it was inscrutable behind his sunglasses. He poured some of the soda down his throat before saying, “What’s it to you?”
Phil shrugged. “Just wondered. You seem pretty tight.”
Nick turned away again and looked into the distance, then answered, “A few months.” He paused. “Not long enough.”
“So, you’re not – like – engaged, or anything?”
The muscle in Nick’s jaw tightened, and he quickly downed the rest of his drink. As he crushed the can, he asked, “Why do you care?”
“Haven’t seen her around the last couple of days, that’s all.”
Nick’s voice was deceptively affable. “Maybe that’s got something to do with you.”
“Really?” Phil affected a contrite tone. “Hey, if I’ve been cramping your style, I’m really sorry.”
Nick slowly stood and thoughtfully looked down at Phil. Then he said, “Don’t worry. You’re not.” He started down the roof. “You can finish up. I’ve got something I need to take care of.”
“No problem.” Phil still lounged against the cool bricks. “Tell her ‘hi’ for me.”
As Nick turned to back down the ladder, he didn’t bother disguising the hostility in his voice. “I’ll be sure to do that.”
*****
There were only eleven houses between the Nelsen’s place and Jaed’s, and Nick’s frustration rose with each one he passed. Enough was enough. He’d gone three extremely long nights without her. By the time he marched past Number 79, Nick was pretty certain he’d do whatever it took to ensure his body on hers sometime in the next eight hours.
He rang the bell and then banged on the door. When he heard running footsteps, Nick called out, “It’s me – open up!”
Maddy flung open the door, panic written on her face. “What’s wrong? Did something happen – is Mary all right?”
“She’s fine.” He walked in and pulled off his sunglasses. “I’m not. Look, whatever I did to screw up the other night, I’m sorry.”
“What you did?” Maddy took his hand in both of hers. “What are you talking about? You had nothing to do with it.”
“Then what happened, Maddy?”
She released him and turned to shut the door, saying, “It was my fault. I felt shitty, but I didn’t want to spoil it by cancelling. Big mistake, huh?” Maddy looked up at him, then toward the living room. “You want to sit down? Have something to drink?” She started down the hall. “I can’t believe how hot it is again.”
Nick took her arm to stop her. “If we’re gonna talk about the weather, I might as well leave now.”
She sounded uneasy when she said, “I promise. No weather chitchat.”
They sat on the couch, side by side, not quite touching. Maddy reached out and began picking dead flowers off the African violet on the coffee table.
Nick couldn’t stand it anymore and he grabbed her hand. Dry, brown flowers spilled onto the table. Physical contact would make everything okay again. It was the one thing he could rely on. The one ‘known.’
His kiss was rough; a silent question. Her response was a quid pro quo of need. Long minutes went by. They broke apart.
His voice was hoarse with emotion. “Maddy, I need to know. Is there something else you want?”
“I want you,” she replied.
“But if someone else came along?...” She looked away for a moment. Just long enough for Nick to feel the beginning of a knot of mistrust form in his chest. “What about Phil?” he asked.
“I want you,” she repeated. “There’s no one else.”
He hesitated, then said, “Phil wants you, though.”
Nick could see tension electrify
her body, and the knot tightened.
“Where did you get that idea?” she finally said. “I don’t even know him.” Maddy abruptly stood and walked around the coffee table.
“I’m not guessing here, Maddy. There’s something going on. I just don’t know what it is.”
“How flattering,” she said testily. “Your rival is a homeless thief. Don’t you know me better than that?”
Nick looked at his hands, then at Maddy. “I don’t know. Do I?”
“This is insane!” She took a deep breath to calm herself. “Nick, I’m in love with you. There’s nobody else.” Maddy paused. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Does that ease your mind?”
Nick got off the couch and regarded her for a second before saying, “Not when you say it that way, it doesn’t.”
Her eyes pleaded with him. “Nick, I’m sorry.” Her voice begged him to understand, but again, she looked away from him momentarily. “You mean everything to me. Does what you’re saying mean you care about me, too?”
“I think you know what it means.”
Maddy’s face hardened. “Sure. Of course. It’s been three days and you’re feeling the need to mark your territory.”
Nick swiftly came around the table to stand in front of her, angry that she’d boiled down their entire relationship to one act, but unable to say anything more intimate. “Okay, Maddy. I admit it. I need you. I want to make love to you. That’s not a crime.”
Maddy felt tired; defeated. “No, it’s not a crime, Nick.” There was no way for her to tell him she was being torn apart by the past and the present. “I’ve missed you, too.”
“So where does that leave us?”
“It leaves us with me still loving you. Nothing’s changed.”
“Then prove it to me.” Nick’s demand took even him by surprise, but the words were out and couldn’t be taken back.
Her eyes grew sad, and she said, “All right. I will.”
*****
Phil sat in his cabin, the walls closing in on him. He stared at the phone, willing Maddy to call. But she’d spent the late morning with Nick, and he knew she wouldn’t.
Nick had come back to the Nelsen’s place two hours later, his mood only slightly improved. And Phil – unable to stop himself – had tweaked him. Asked if his nooner had included lunch. But Nick had ignored his not-so-subtle innuendos and gone on with his work.
Phil wanted to believe he didn’t know what made him play this game with Nick, but in truth, he knew very well. He was jealous. For years, Phil had imagined Maddy with that cretin, Ted Perry. And although he’d felt sorry for her – he had no illusions as to what a bully the man must have been – he’d never felt jealous. Because how could Maddy truly love someone like that? Didn’t she see whom she’d picked for a partner? As far as Phil was concerned, Perry was simply a cruder version of their father.
But Nick was different. The man’s honor was positively tangible. And Phil could also tell McKay was in love with his sister, despite his macho posturing. And this spelled real trouble for Phil. He knew Maddy’s sense of loyalty would be divided. Phil’s only hope was to play his trump card: he was family – Nick wasn’t. It was that simple.
Phil checked the travel alarm clock by his bed. It was 10:20. He picked up the phone and dialed Nick’s number. When he answered, Phil hung up without speaking, and smiled to himself. Nick was home alone. He couldn’t picture him committing coitus interruptus for a phone call.
“Hell,” he said to himself. “He didn’t even stop when Maddy heard me in the kitchen that morning…But, then, she didn’t know it was me. ‘Cause if she had, Maddy would’ve gotten out from under him in a heartbeat.”
Are you sure? the voice in his head asked.
He was almost positive.
Phil got off the bed and went to the door.
Do you really want to know the answer to that question? the voice said.
“I need her now. She’s all I’ve got,” he whispered. “I don’t have any choice.”
But she does…
Phil hesitated then turned back to the bed. He stuck his hand between the mattress and box-spring and pulled out the photograph from its new hiding place. He gazed at it, letting the image do its work. With it firmly in his mind’s eye, Phil said, “No, she doesn’t.”
Dropping it onto the bed, he walked out the door.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Maddy sat at the computer. She’d tried working on the Salmon Beach book, but couldn’t concentrate. Photographs covered the top of the desk, with only five caption labels finished.
Earlier, needing to unburden herself to someone safe, she’d composed an email to Jaed, but she hadn’t hit “send” yet. It was a long, involved letter, because even her friend didn’t know about Danny. What kept Maddy from launching it into cyberspace was a reluctance to actually hear Jaed’s advice.
She’d picked up the phone a couple of times to call Nick. What they’d done earlier in the day had left Maddy with an empty feeling she couldn’t shake. There was no mistaking it for making love. It had been raw and desperate and quick. But what would she say to him?
Down four hundred and ninety-seven dollars in the Vegas version of solitaire, Maddy finally closed the game and stared at the monitor long enough for the screen-saver to kick in. Colorful fish swam through her line of vision. They were hypnotic and Maddy wondered if she sat there long enough would she be able to leave her body – and worries – behind, and flow into that peaceful aquatic world, at least for a little while.
He entered the room so quietly Maddy thought it was Chloe, and she waited for the cat to jump onto her lap. When that didn’t happen, Maddy slowly spun the chair around, saying, “What are you waiting for?” She gasped and her heart thudded at the sight of Danny.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said.
“How the hell did you get in here?”
“The back deck. I wasn’t sure you’d let me in if I came to the front door.”
Maddy’s hands gripped the chair’s arms. “I told you I’d call when I was ready to talk.”
“I know, but I wanted to see you. Now that I’ve found you, it’s hard to stay away, Maddy.”
She found herself getting caught up in his dark Danny eyes. They were the only feature she fully recognized. But then she remembered a pair of China-blue eyes, and a voice saying, “I need you,” and Maddy said, “You have to leave, Danny.”
“Come on, Maddy. Let me stay just a little while.”
“No!” She pushed herself out of the chair. “I can’t think straight right now.” He began to protest, and a bubble of anger burst inside her. “My life was just starting to make sense. And then you waltz into it, saying you love me and you missed me, and the next thing I know I’ve made you this promise, completely jeopardizing my relationship with Nick!”
“Are you saying I don’t matter to you? Your own brother?”
“Don’t do this to me!” she shouted. “Don’t play this game. I will not let you lay a guilt trip on me after all these years.” Maddy watched as the hurt took hold of him. “Look, Danny. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through. I’m sure your life’s been hard. Mine, too. But what you’ve asked me to do is lie to Nick, and I have to figure out a way to undo that.”
“But what about me?”
Frustrated, Maddy ran her hands through her hair, gripped her scalp. “Danny, please! Why can’t I tell Nick who you are?”
“Because I asked you not to.”
“That’s not good enough!”
“It is if you care about me.”
Unbelievably, she was crying again. “That is so unfair, Danny. Haven’t you ever loved someone?”
“You.”
“That’s not what I mean,” she said through her tears.
He had turned away from her, struggling with himself, then he said, “Once. I fell in love, but I lost him, too.”
Maddy became very still. “Him?”
He didn’t reply, and she walke
d around Danny to look at his face.
“I’m gay, Maddy.”
She was momentarily rendered speechless.
“Yeah,” he went on. “On top of all my other character flaws.”
A terrifying thought entered her mind, and she asked, “The man you loved. Did he die?” Danny nodded, and Maddy’s voice turned to a whisper. “Of AIDS?”
He thought of lying to her. A way to get sympathy. But he finally shook his head, knowing he didn’t want to go into this relationship with falsehoods. “No, Maddy. He had a heart attack.”
“Oh, Danny, I’m so sorry. But you’re all right? You’re – safe?”
“I’ve had other lovers, Maddy.”
The implication made her relief short-lived. “Have you been tested?”
“I don’t want to know.”
Maddy put her arms around him, her despair complete; her guilt at the things she’d said to him enormous.
“Would you still love me?” he asked, the end of his question left to hang in deathly silence.
She answered him by holding him tighter; then she said, “Is that the real reason you don’t want me to tell Nick? Are you ashamed? Because you don’t have to be, Danny.”
“I just want my privacy. And I want to be with you, Maddy. You’re the only family I have.”
“Okay, Danny…okay,” she said, like a mother to a hurting child. “But you’ve got to let me think. Please. Go back to your place.”
“When can I see you again?” he asked.
“I don’t know, Danny. But I promise – I’ll call.”
“There’s a lot I want to tell you.”
Maddy tried to smile. “Nineteen years worth.” She walked with him to the front door and let him out into the moonless night.
Maddy sat in the dark living room, Chloe on her lap. Fifteen minutes went by. Then half an hour. All her thoughts circled back around to her brother’s revelation. Funny how it didn’t really surprise her. Worried her, yes. And angered her at his irresponsible approach to life. He seemed fine. Healthy. But that didn’t mean a damned thing. HIV could be lurking in his body, waiting to pounce and take away his vitality and beauty.
A Sea Change Page 25