by Ralph Church
Fred stared.
“It’s somewhere out beyond the Milky Way. You see, I was on this date—”
Fred turned and headed for the door.
“Dad! Where are you going?”
“Really, Mindy,” Fred said, looking at her With disappointed eyes, “is that the best lie you can come up with?”
“It’s true! It’s true!” Mindy said, hopping up and down. “Mork,” she said, grabbing her father and pulling him back into the living room, “prove it to him.”
“Cosmic shtick?” Mork asked. “Coming right up.” Mork went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. He put his bloink in it and drank it rapidly, while saying, “Many bleams ago, Orkans realized how much time could be saved if one could talk and drink at the same time. Let’s see an Earthling do this.”
Fred was thrown for a moment, but he shook it off. “This is some kind of a trick. You’re not fooling me.”
“Wait,” Mork said. He rushed to the closet and brought out something. “Here,” he said triumphantly. “These are color slides of Ork.”
“Really?” Mindy said. She had wondered almost constantly what the planet must really look like.
Fred took them skeptically, looked for a moment, and then tossed them to the floor. “Those pictures are completely black,” he said with disgust.
“Oh, no,” Mindy said, remembering the trouble she had had over the passport photo.
“But that’s the capital city,” Mork said, shocked that Fred wasn’t impressed.
“This is pathetic,” Fred said. “You’re not fooling me with this nonsense. I want the truth. You couldn’t possibly be an alien. Everybody knows what space creatures look like.”
“Really?” Mindy said sarcastically. “What do they look like?”
“They have huge, bald heads, and scales all over their bodies, and claws instead of hands.”
“Ah! I didn’t know the Rewpops had learned how to handle intergalactic travel. I must tell Orson.”
“Well, one thing is for sure,” Fred said, returning his daughter’s amazed look, “space creatures are always green.”
“Oh,” Mork said, nodding his head, “you want the old cliche.” He pointed his bloink at his face and said, “Like this? Krizle!” The room hummed and Mork’s face turned bright green.
Fred’s eyes got huge and his mouth opened. He wanted to scream.
Mork turned his finger off and slowly returned to his normal color. “‘Whew!” he said. “It isn’t easy being green. My bloink is almost blinking, it’s so tired.”
“Uh, uh, uh,” Fred said, backing toward the door, “I see, so you’re from Outer Space, huh? Well, my goodness, you certainly are a good-looking young man. Are you on vacation?” Fred was almost to the door, but Mindy, knowing what her father was up to, get there ahead of him. “Mindy,” Fred whispered frantically, fighting for the doorknob, “are you crazy? He might be here to snatch a body or something. Let me get help.”
Mork walked toward him.
“Ha! Ha!” Fred said nervously. “Just kidding, just kidding.”
“Dad,” Mindy said, “Mork is from an advanced civilization. They did away with violence ages ago.”
Fred was horrified. “You poor thing. He’s brainwashed you.” Fred turned the doorknob and started opening the door.
“Mork!” Mindy yelled. “Freeze it!”
Mork pointed his finger reluctantly. When Fred tried to pull the door open, it wouldn’t move. “Mindy,” Mork said, “I hope I don’t have to do this for long. It hurts like the yowtz.” The yowtz is a purple bird that can be found in the dense, pitch black Orkian forests. Yowtzes, when pregnant, bite into an Orkan’s ear and won’t let go until they deliver their young. They don’t do any permanent damage, but it is rather painful.
“Daddy,” Mindy said and pulled her father into the living room, “Listen to me. I am not brainwashed. Mork is harmless. If he meant to do any harm, why would he have gone so peacefully with Tilwick?”
That impressed Fred. He was very shocked by the whole situation and he slumped onto the couch to consider it.
“Mork,” Mindy said, “tell my father why you were sent here.”
“My commander, Orson, sent me here to learn about Earth culture. I am to live like an Earthling and report on your society.”
“So you’re a spy!” Fred said, upset once more.
“No, no, Daddy,” Mindy said. “He’s a cultural ambassador. Don’t you understand that if the Orkans wanted to, they could conquer our planet in a minute?”
“Nin, nin, Mindy,” Mork said. “It would take at least an hour.”
“Well, then,” Fred said doubtfully, “why don’t they?”
“It is impossible for us to harm life,” Mork explained. “Though I can do anything with my bloink,” he said, holding up his right index finger, “even if I willed it to kill you, the deepest part of my mind would contradict that order. No Orkan has killed for more than two Krell.”
“How long is that in Earth time?” Mindy asked.
“Five thousand years,.” Mork answered.
“Do you mean to tell me,” Fred asked, “that even if I was pointing a gun at you and was going to fire it, you wouldn’t stop me?”
“If I stopped you, it would be by destroying the gun.”
“And if you couldn’t, if you had to kill me, you wouldn’t do anything?”
Mork shook his head. “It would be impossible for me.”
Fred kept Mork busy explaining the complicated world of Ork for many hours. By the end of the evening, Fred still didn’t like the idea of his daughter living with Mork, but he agreed that there wasn’t any choice. When they all got to discussing how to handle the sanity hearing, they were stumped. Though Mork didn’t understand why Mindy and Fred didn’t think they could risk getting another psychiatrist to examine him, he was willing to follow their advice. The problem was, they didn’t have any.
“We’ll just have to try and discredit Dr. Litney’s testimony,” Mindy said after Mork described his interview with the doctor in full. Orkans have total recall, and Mork’s account was exact. “After all,” she said, “what does the doctor have? All Mork did was fit a square peg into a round hole.”
“How do we explain that?” Fred complained.
“It’s impossible.”
“It is quite possible, Earthling,” Mork said.
“I mean, by our standards,” Fred explained, not too thrilled by Mork’s superior abilities. Fred wasn’t pleased at all by the idea that humans weren’t the most intelligent beings in the universe.
“We don’t explain it,” Mindy said, smiling. “Don’t you see? We pretend it never happened. Then the doctor will look ridiculous. Since it’s impossible to do, we just act like it never happened.”
“Well, we can give it a try,” Fred said skeptically. Before he left to go home, Fred said to Mork, “I don’t suppose there’s any chance that you might go back to Ork?”
“Dad!” Mindy said.
“Sorry,” Fred said and left. But his words didn’t leave Mork’s mind. When Mindy went to bed, Mork thought about an the trouble he had caused her. And, apparently, he was still going to cause her problems. She would have to defend him against the authorities, a very frightening thought to an Orkan, because Orkans never defy authority.
Yet, despite Mork’s exhausting day (he could hardly lift his bloink an inch), he stayed up thinking about how wrong it was to endanger Mindy. Before she had gone to bed, Mork had asked her if what they had done with the passport was illegal on Earth. Mindy casually answered that it was—indeed, that it was a serious crime. She was rather excited by the notion that she had acted so boldly, though she was still quite worried about being found out at the hearing. But Mork was appalled that Mindy had taken such a chance for his sake. Though Mork had no qualms about breaking an Earth law, he felt it was wrong for him to encourage Mindy to do so. Besides, he shuddered at the thought of her being locked up. Orkans, it must be remembered, are for
bidden to harm living things, even indirectly.
But it was late and time for bed. He’d worry about all this in the morning.
***
16
Mork woke up the next day after dreaming about his life as an Orkling, and how Mindy would have loved it. Then he thought of Mindy and realized he was the cause of her troubles. He found a piece of paper and wrote her a note:
Mindy, I know you are willing to go on trying to help me, but I cannot allow you to harm yourself by breaking Earth laws, primitive though they may be. Do not worry about me. I have learned enough from you to be able to act like a real Earthling. Perhaps, when the Smokies are no longer interested in me, I will return. Na-No, Na-No.
He put it on the pillow Mindy. had given him for the couch and packed up his belongings and left her apartment. As he left the building, carrying his suitcase, a. small black boy, about ten years old, began to follow him. He was carrying schoolbooks and was dressed very much like Mork, in overalls and a T-shirt, except that he also wore a blue cap low over his eyes. When Mork reached the end of the block, he looked in the various directions, trying to decide which way to go. The boy caught up to him there. “Hey, mah man,” he said, “are you a friend of Mindy’s?”
“That is correct,” Mork answered, looking at the boy, surprised to meet a human who was almost a foot shorter than himself. Are you a munchkin?” Mork asked, remembering such creatures from an Earth program.
“No, I’m a brother,” the kid answered.
“Indeed. Mindy did not tell me she had a brother.”
The kid laughed. “Hey, that’s pretty hip. You a boyfriend of hers?”
Mork considered the word. “I am not sure.”
“Had a fight, huh? Well, if ya ask me, ya blew it. Mindy’s a foxy chick. She’s on the charts as number one, if ya ask me.” The boy said “If ya ask me” in a tone that suggested no one ever did ask him. “My name’s Eugene. Pretty square, right? You can call me Gene.”
“I am Mork.”
“Say what?”
“Mork.”
“Mork, huh. That’s kind of a funky name. Are you Jewish, or somethin’?”
Mork looked at Eugene for a long time without speaking. Then he began twisting the skin on his knuckle.
“What ya doin’?” Eugene asked.
“I am attempting to adjust my language function. Are you speaking French? Perhaps you are using one of the dead languages that I am not equipped for.”
Eugene removed his cap and shook his head from side to side, staring at Mork’s eyes. Mork bent down to stare back. When he got low enough, Eugene pulled at the skin under Mark’s eyes and got on his tiptoes to see better. “Well, they ain’t bloodshot. Man, I don’t know what you’re on, but it’s strong stuff.”
“This is concrete,” Mork answered, stamping his foot on the sidewalk pavement. “Fairly strong, but not nearly as sturdy as fertz, and it can’t compare to yoggle.”
“Hey!” Eugene said and put out his hand. “Give me five, man.”
“Five what?”
“Five fingers,” Eugene said, slapping his own open palm to illustrate.
Mork slapped his hand as requested. “You are a hip dude,” Gene said. “I’m sorry to hear that you and Mindy are splittin’ up. I take lessons from her grandmother. Did you know that?”
Without waiting for an answer, Gene pointed to Mork’s suitcase. “Are you goin’ someplace?” he asked. “Are you takin’ a vacation?”
“Well, in a sense,” Mork answered. Since this was Mindy’s brother, he was inclined to trust his judgment, despite Eugene’s lack of stature. “Where would you go if you were taking a vacation?”
“Hmm.” Gene put a finger to his chin. “Let’s see. Well, I’ve always wanted to go to France.”
“Okay,” Mork said and began walking.
“I don’t know, though,” Gene said, hurrying after him. “I’d also like to see the Swiss Alps.”
Mork stopped and turned to Gene. “Make up my mind. Which place?”
Gene was pleased by this question. Imagine an adult asking his advice! “Well,” he said, trying to sound like an experienced traveler, “it depends on how much you got to spend.”
Mork reached into his pocket, looking for the money that he had taken out of Mindy’s purse. He had removed only a few of the smallest bills. He planned to return her money. “How much is this?” he asked Gene.
Gene looked at the bills. “Six dollars.”
“So,” Mork said, “then which place should I go to?”
“Six dollars! Is that all you got? You can’t go to the Swiss Alps on six dollars.”
Mork turned and began walking. “Then France it is.”
“Hey! Hey!” Gene said, running after Mork and taking his arm. “You are really out of it, man. You can’t go to France on six dollars.”
Mork hung his head. “Oh, despair,” he said. “Where can I go, then?”
“Man,” Gene said, “you act like I did when I ran away from home.”
“I am running away,” Mork answered. “How could you tell?”
Gene pointed to Mork’s face. “It’s written all over your face.”
Mork stepped back and began to touch his face with his hands, horrified. “It is? Shazbot! I’ve broken out in words!” Mork assumed this was a disease that infects people on Earth who are suffering from emotional exposure. “Listen,” Mork pleaded, “my going away is a secret and I don’t want you to tell Mindy where I’m going. I have been enough trouble to her.”
“Man,” Eugene said, “you ain’t goin’ far on six dollars. You can’t even get a place to sleep for that—except in some flophouse.”
It didn’t seem to Mork that he could afford to be choosy, especially with all those words on his face, and the insanity people coming after him. “Where are these flophouses?”
“Well,” Gene said, “there’s some places on Mission Street, but they’re awful seedy.”
‘That will not be a problem,” Mork answered. “I am a trained horticulturalist. In which direction do I travel to find these flophouses.?”
Eugene; being only ten, had only a dim notion of how to go, but he knew the general direction. He pointed the way and said, “Take care of yourself, brother. I hope you come back sometime. You’re a cool dude.” Gene put out his palm.
Mork slapped it and said, “Good-bye, munchkin.” And he walked off, impressed that Mindy’s brother had accepted him as a family member so quickly. These humans certainly are riotously emotional, he thought. But who could blame them, living on a planet with so many troubling things, such as this word disease? Mork pointed his finger at his face and put it on the washing mode, used by Orkans the way we humans use soap and water to clean ourselves.
***
17
Gene had directed Mork through the business district, and Mork reached it during rush hour. All those cars and people frightened Mork a bit. Orkans dislike crowds, which to them is any group larger than five persons. So, Mork hid in a park and watched until the traffic settled down. While he was there, something caught his attention that the television box had never shown. It was the strange religious worship by the creatures humans call dogs. Orkans have a different name for them. Mork wasn’t sure that what he saw was a religious ritual; perhaps it was military. And the part humans played in it seemed to him ridiculous. He noticed it three times, and on the third occasion Mark decided to follow the human and the dog that had just taken part.
But first he had to inspect the temple of the dogs idolatry, those squat, red objects, with knobs on the sides. These red dog leaders, as Mork called them, must have special powers, because although Earth vehicles were parked in front of every other kind of object, they were not in front of the red dog leaders.
Mork went up to one and spoke with it. “I am Mork,” he said. “I am not familiar with your customs, but I should like to learn. Could you explain why the dogs salute you as they pass?”
Mork didn’t get an answer from the
fire hydrant, so he bent down closer and tried to adjust the language function on his bloink. When he did, he began to sniff, with his finger, of course. Peculiar odor, he thought.
He tried many different languages, including Swahili, but the red dog leader didn’t respond to any of them. Mork was about to try languages from other planets when he noticed that two or three humans were watching him. They seemed to consider his behavior unusual.
Mork was aware that he had to behave humanly, being a fugitive from a sanity hearing, and apparently he was committing some sort of sacrilege hy bending down and talking with the red dog leader. So he had to relieve the minds of these humans who had begun watching. Mork stood up, turned to his side, and lifted his leg, saluting the red dog leader. “Quite a peculiar religion,” he said aloud to himself as he walked quickly away.
He had taken so long at the fire hydrant that he had lost sight of the human and dog he had observed and decided to follow. But as he continued his walk to the flophouses Gene had recommended, he saw another pair practicing their faith at yet another red dog leader. How devout these humans are, Mork thought. He walked up to the human and said, “Pardon me, I am Mork. I’m a stranger here and I wonder if you could explain to me the meaning of this—”
At that moment, the human’s dog lifted its leg. From the park Mork hadn’t noticed this occur the other times. You see, in daylight Orkans have a little trouble seeing for distance. Mork had stopped speaking in astonishment. “Are you lost?” the human asked.
“No. I am Mork. I understand now. Please go on,” he said to the dog, which had stopped and was looking curiously at this stranger and wagging its tail pleasantly.
The dog barked tentatively and its owner pulled slightly at the leash.
“Nice to meet you, too,” Mork said to the dog.
“Good-bye,” he said to the human. Mork walked off, leaving the human to stare after him.