by K. A. Linde
“What did I miss? You sound like you’re…perpetually, emotionally distraught.”
“It’s not perpetual.”
Chyna snorted. “Yeah, okay.”
“Whatever.”
“What? Don’t act dumb. You’re a hot mess. I’ve come to live with it. At least you’re hot.”
She could practically see Chyna shrugging it off.
“Are you still drunk? You’re talking like an idiot. Or is that just your perpetual state?” Lexi asked harshly.
“Drunk is my perpetual state. We both know I’m a genius,” Chyna said with a giggle.
“Oh…totally. Genius.”
“Anyway, you shit. What’s up with you and that buzzkill sound coming out of your mouth?”
Really, she could always rely on Chyna for an understanding, caring pick-me-up.
“I walked out on Ramsey, left the house, and haven’t seen or spoken to him in, um…five days. I went to Jack’s, and he’s in love with me. So, I guess he wants to be with me. Now, I have to decide what I want to do, because I don’t think that they’re down for a threesome,” Lexi said, letting it all out in a rushed paraphrase of everything that had happened.
“Damn. That would be some really good hate sex,” Chyna mused aloud.
“Chyna!” Lexi cried. Sometimes, her best friend astounded her, but still, she couldn’t help but laugh.
“What? What do you want me to say? You’re in the same position you were three years ago, except this time, you have the baggage to boot with Ramsey and a diamond ring on your finger. This is the same conversation we had before I got married. What do you want?” Chyna implored. “You don’t need a guy to make you happy. You wouldn’t have spent three years in law school killing yourself if that were the case. If Ramsey doesn’t make you happy, then let him go. If Jack doesn’t make you happy, then let him go. If the only thing that will make you happy is a threesome, I know some people who could help with that.”
Lexi laughed again. “I think I’ll pass.”
“Your loss.”
“Chyna,” she said softly, contemplating what she had said, “what if I don’t know what I want?”
“You do. You’ve always known. You just have to stop thinking about what everyone else wants. Ramsey wants you. Jack wants you. I bet John still wants you. I fucking want you back in New York, but I’m not going to ask you to come back unless that’s what you want!”
“Well, I have to talk to Ramsey tonight and decide what I’m going to do.”
“Whatever you do, it will be the right choice because it’s for you, chica. No one can tell you that you made the wrong choice. No one. I’m certainly not going to. If anyone tries to say that what you decided to do wasn’t right, then you just remind that person that it’s your life. No one else is going to live it but you. So, why not live by my philosophy? Do whatever the hell you want and tell everyone else to just fuck off.”
Chyna made everything sound so easy. It was, after all, Lexi’s decision, and she was the one who would have to live with the choice that she made. It didn’t exactly make the decision easier because she still had to choose. She still had to hurt someone who she cared deeply for. But at least when she made the decision, she would know that it was the right one.
“Thanks, C.”
“Good luck tonight. Call me later to let me know how it goes. I want to book you a flight back up to celebrate.”
“You don’t even know what I’m going to do,” Lexi said.
“First, I so know what you’re going to do. I’m just waiting for you to know what you’re going to do. And second, we’re not celebrating you choosing someone. We’re celebrating you putting yourself first and making the right choice for you,” Chyna told her. “That’s the Lexi I knew who called me a slut and a whore outside of the club and fucking smirked at me like you knew it was true. That’s the Lexi who placed in the top ten of her class and passed the New York and Georgia bar in the same summer. You’ve got it all, chica. Now, take what you want.”
“What am I going to do?”
“Oh no! I’m not telling you what to do. I love you, but I’m not making that decision. I chose Adam. Now, it’s your turn.”
Lexi nodded and took a deep breath. It was time for that. Chyna was right. Glancing down at her watch, she realized how quickly her break was disappearing, and if she wanted to eat anything, then she needed to get off the phone.
After ending her call with Chyna, Lexi shot off a quick text message to Ramsey.
We need to talk tonight. Can I call you when I get off work, so we can meet up?
Of course. I can’t wait to see you and hear your voice.
Lexi bit her lip and thought about the decision she had to make going forward. It was all she could think about throughout her meal, in the courtroom, and back in her office late that night. Her boss cut her out early because she was so out of it. He told her to be better prepared tomorrow, or he was cutting her from the case, too. That was hardly true since she had done all the legwork on the project, but it still stung when he said that to her.
It also didn’t help that by sending her home early, he was forcing her to face her problems hours before she was ready. Though, she would likely never be ready. She just had to suck it up and face what she was walking into.
Lexi pulled her phone out and stared down at Ramsey’s number. She had to do this. There wasn’t anywhere else for her to go, nowhere else for her to hide. And she didn’t want to anymore. She was tired of this feeling, and having this conversation was the only way to get rid of it.
“Hey,” she said when Ramsey answered the phone.
“Hey,” he said just as softly. “It’s really good to hear from you.”
“Yeah. Same,” she said truthfully. It was good to hear from him. She had missed him in the short time they had been apart…as much from the physical distance as the emotional. “Can we meet to talk? I’d rather have this conversation in person.”
“Sure. Do you want to come home?” he asked, using that last word like he was tightening a vise grip on her heart.
“I think I would rather talk somewhere else.”
“Okay,” he said slowly. “Do you want to meet me at the hospital or something? I don’t know many other places that will be open and conducive to a conversation at this time of night.”
Ugh! One of the last places she wanted to be was at the hospital, surrounded by Bridges Enterprise with the knowledge that Parker was such an important actor in that company. But Lexi hadn’t thought about the fact that everything was closing soon.
“Is Parker going to be there?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t keep tabs on her, and since our conversation last week, she has made herself scarce,” he said stiffly.
“Scarce in her own hospital?”
“I might have had words with her.”
Lexi could imagine how that had gone. She didn’t doubt that Ramsey had probably blown up on Parker about the abortion paperwork. He had a short temper when it came to Parker, and Lexi had seen his short fuse unleash on Parker before. Lexi didn’t think Parker was necessarily a bad person, and she wondered in that moment what she thought about all of this, not that she wanted to talk to Parker to find out. Lexi was still pretty pissed that Parker had the audacity to bring that paperwork to Ramsey in the first place.
“All right. If you think she won’t be around, then I’ll come by.”
“Okay, I’ll head over there now,” he said eagerly.
Lexi hung up the phone with a sigh and placed it back in her purse. It was strange, as a lawyer, to hate confrontation, but she really did. Maybe it was just different because this was her personal life, and work had nothing to do with her, but it felt so much worse.
She drove across town to the hospital and parked in the staff parking lot as normal. She knew that Ramsey had likely beaten her here, and he was probably already waiting for her in his office. She tapped her foot anxiously in her car before getting up the nerve to head
out. She knew she shouldn’t drag her feet and put off the inevitable.
Lexi breezed through the sliding glass doors and into the massive hospital entranceway. Her feet carried her toward the elevator when she heard her name being called out through the haze she was in. She shook her head and turned to face the direction where she had heard her name.
“Lexi!” Cierra said, waving at her. “What are you doing here? It’s late!”
“Oh, hey,” Lexi said softly. She hadn’t wanted to run into anyone. “Just coming to see Ramsey. I didn’t think you worked the late shift.”
“They started requiring us all to work one a week. I guess enough people didn’t want to work the night shifts.”
“Oh.” That was all she could manage. Her mind was elsewhere.
“I’m glad I got to see you. I really wanted to talk about the wedding. Just let me know if I need to help with anything or meet up with the other bridesmaids for anything for you,” Cierra said, her face an open book as far as emotions went.
Lexi sighed and bit her lip. She liked Cierra, and she had wanted her as part of the wedding party, but she didn’t really trust anyone but Chyna with what had happened between her and Ramsey and Jack. And she couldn’t talk about a wedding right now.
“Let’s talk about it another time, okay?” Lexi asked.
“Is everything all right?” Cierra asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Fine. I just have to meet Ramsey.”
“Okay. Come say hi before you leave.”
Lexi waved her off without a response. She couldn’t talk to her without seeing how this conversation with Ramsey went first. After this, then she would decide what to do about bridesmaids and the wedding and everything else in her life. One step at a time.
She took the elevator to the top floor. Through her nerves, she laughed at how this was the one thing that Ramsey hadn’t gotten to go his way. He hadn’t wanted a top-floor office like his family, and even though he had been given discretion over almost everything else, the designers had still put him up on the top floor. So much good that discretion had been for…Parker still worked with him, and they still had offices next door to each other.
He better be true to his word and have her out of the area if not out of the hospital entirely.
When the elevator opened on the top floor, Lexi steeled herself for the conversation she had been dreading all week. If she knew how this was all going to go down, then she likely wouldn’t be as terrified as she felt, but she couldn’t help it. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and walked out of the elevator.
Ramsey was pacing in his office as she approached. His secretary was mercifully absent. Lexi glanced into the office next door and didn’t see anyone. She sighed in relief. No Parker.
She was used to seeing him in suits, but he hadn’t been at the office. He had driven here from home, so he was dressed more casually in a pair of pressed khaki shorts, green polo, and boat shoes. He still looked perfectly put-together even though she could tell by his pacing, the way he ducked his head, the way he ran his hands back through his hair methodically, that he was a wreck.
Her hand landed on the doorknob lightly, and Ramsey’s head jerked up at the sound. Her heart broke at the sight. Her Ramsey never went anywhere without being clean-shaven, and Lexi could see stubble along his jawline. His eyes seemed far away, and bags were forming under his eyes, like he hadn’t been sleeping. She hated that he was like this…that she had caused this.
Lexi turned the handle and walked into Ramsey’s office, slowly, cautiously. He took a few steps toward her like he wanted to scoop her up and pull her into his arms, but when he saw her face, he stopped in his tracks. He wasn’t stupid. He didn’t want to push her again. But any distance between them felt exponentially worse with those few feet.
“Lexi, it’s so good to see you,” he all but whispered into the silence between them.
“It’s good to see you, too,” she answered honestly.
“I’m really glad you called and wanted to talk.”
Now that she was here, staring at his beautiful face, Lexi didn’t know what to say. Do what you want. That was basically what Chyna had told her. You already know what you want. You just have to make that decision for yourself.
Lexi sighed and closed her eyes. Why couldn’t it really be that easy?
“I know you wanted to talk, but can I go first?” Ramsey asked. “I’ve been holding on to this for five days, and I want to get it all out.”
She nodded. She didn’t even know where to begin. So, maybe this was better.
“Those papers don’t mean anything to me. That was a lifetime ago…”
Lexi sighed and shook her head. She knew she was going to have to sit down for this.
“I’m serious,” he continued. “I was just shocked when she showed up with them. I was so sure it was an abortion that I had forced myself to believe it all these years. It was kind of like losing a part of myself. I don’t know how else to explain it. But even if I was wrong about Parker, it doesn’t change what happened between us. Parker and I broke up, and we haven’t been together in a very long time. I’ll admit that the day you walked in to my office, I had all of these what-ifs swirling around in my head, but that’s all they ever will be—what-ifs. Parker…” Ramsey paused as if trying to wrap his mind around the name and the emotions. “She isn’t you.”
“Yes, well, that’s very clear,” Lexi said softly.
“Very clear. You asked me to explain her to you, to tell you why she matters. Well, the answer is because she’s always mattered to me. First, as a big brother joking around with his sister’s friends. Then, as a girlfriend. Then, for all the reasons that we couldn’t work. Then, as a coworker. The reason you care for people can change. Just like my feelings for Parker have changed.”
Lexi knew exactly what he was talking about because she had that with Jack. And it might change, but it always came back to that one aching desire she had in the pit of her stomach. And if what Ramsey and Parker were going through was anything like her experience with Jack, then no matter how much it changed, no matter how much distance was put between Parker and Ramsey…it still plagued them.
“But my feelings for you have never changed like that. They’ve only grown and grown, and they continue to grow every day, every minute, every second I’m with you. And I knew on that first date that you were different, that things with you would be different. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to make it all better. I wanted to rid you of the hollow expression and depression that seemed to hang off of you.”
“And you did,” she whispered softly. “You pulled me out of the pain that I’d been in for years.”
“Good.” His green eyes were wide.
She could tell he had been running this all through his head for days on end. He wasn’t rambling or incoherent, like her Ramsey always was. He had thought this through. He wanted to make this right.
“You did the same for me.”
“I know,” she said.
“And when you walked out that door, when I didn’t hear from you, I felt…I don’t even know how to explain it. I felt like it didn’t matter what I did anymore because the only thing I wanted in the whole world, I’d let walk out on me…again.”
Lexi’s heart stopped. How could she not love a man like this? He said and did all the right things. He loved her unconditionally despite all her faults and all her baggage. He picked her up out of the pain and placed her back into working order. He had been exactly what she needed.
“Please, Lexi, my Alexa, let me make it right,” Ramsey whispered, bridging the distance between them and staring down into her wide brown eyes.
She could tell that he wanted her to make the next move, to make it all right.
“When I went to see Chyna before the wedding, she told me that I should decide what I want. That I’ve always looked to make everyone else happy. That I’ve never considered my own happiness. Chyna has a certain way with words…that I think I lack.”
Ramsey swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing with his uncertainty about where this was going.
“She’s like a dose of reality through my overanalytical mind.”
“That’s a good way to put it,” Ramsey said tentatively.
“I think, in some ways, she’s right. I think of other people’s happiness because it coincides with what I want. I wanted Jack for years, so I didn’t think about what he did to me during that time or how it would affect me. And I went back to you after you’d hurt me without even thinking it through. I feel like I was kind of always doing what others expected me to do. I don’t regret any of my decisions. They have shaped who I am. They made me happy at the time, but thinking about it makes me realize that I was always running in circles.”
“Lexi,” Ramsey interrupted, “I really don’t mind if we have to postpone the wedding. I—”
Lexi held up her hand to silence him. She needed to finish. She couldn’t think through his words. “I think you’re right. Your feelings for people do change with time. You might need someone for one reason, and then when that reason is obsolete, you might not need that person anymore. People come in and out of your life all the time. They shape and mold you like clay, and then the water washes away the edges.”
She could feel tears prick her eyes as she finally got out what she was trying to say—as she finally realized what Chyna was telling her.
“You came into my life. You pulled me away from my pain. You molded me into a better person,” she said, taking a step back and swallowing hard. “But I think that was what I needed then…not now.”
“Lexi,” Ramsey choked out.
She had always thought that her temptation was this heart-stopping, unbelievable emotion where she was unable to think or breathe or do anything because of how it made her feel and what it made her want to do. That temptation was something she had always given in to. At least, that was how it had been for a very long time—before Ramsey, before she had realized how important it was not to give in to that, not to let it affect her like that.
But then, the temptation changed.