by Graeme Cann
“The giving and receiving of forgiveness is the most powerful therapeutic process known to humankind. It has the potential of transforming self-loathing into self-compassion. Self-compassion allows you to accept yourself as you are, and releases you to move forward into the full potential of your healed personhood. When you have taken these first three difficult steps in your healing process, it will be time to take the fourth one. This step is to forgive those who have abused you, but first you must understand what forgiveness means.
“Forgiving a perpetrator does not mean minimising their sinful behaviour or in any way rationalising what they have done. It does not oblige you to recommence the relationship or necessarily reconcile with them. You see, forgiveness is not for them: it is for you. In one way or another, they must answer for what they have done. The word ‘forgive’ means to ‘set free.’ It literally means that you set yourself free from the need to remain bitter and resentful, by releasing them from the obligation to suffer at your hands for what they have done to you. You will never forgive another because they deserve it or just because you are trying to be nice. The point is that they do not deserve your forgiveness. You will only be able to do it because of what my son Yeshua has done. When he died on the cross, he took the sin of your abuser on himself. The price of your abuser’s sin against you has been paid by an innocent life. On that basis you have been forgiven, and on that basis alone you are able to forgive others.”
The voice paused again, but this time there was no sobbing from the people or groaning or sighing from the animals. There was silence. No one spoke and no one moved. Every eye was on the drama that was being played out in the sky above the platform. Everybody saw the same thing. A man, dressed only in a loin cloth, hung on a wooden cross. His hands were nailed to the cross bars, and his body was covered in huge, bloodred welts caused undoubtedly by a cruel whip. Many people gathered around the foot of the cross. Some were laughing and jeering, shouting insults at the dying man. Others were weeping quietly and still others stood silently watching.
Then the strangest thing happened. Every person sitting in front of the stage that night suddenly recognised their own face among the crowd that stood at the cross, and some of them recognised the face of their abuser.
They sat in stunned silence. And then they heard the voice again. No! It sounded like the same voice but this time it did not emanate out of the air above them but it came directly from the cross. The voice said, “Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” The dying man, that innocent dying man on the cross, was asking the Great Creator to forgive those who crucified him. But it seemed to the people of Loloma that night that he was asking the Great Creator to forgive them. The scene that had transfixed them faded, and the voice that they had been listening to all night said, “Yes, my son, I have.”
“Many of you know tonight that you have been forgiven,” the voice continued, “and many of you will have offered forgiveness in the name of Yeshua. But there is still one step that remains for your healing to be complete. Every person who has experienced the trauma of abuse will still have to contend with your memories. I cannot and will not blot out your memories, because, painful as they may be, they form an important part of who you are.
“Your painful memories are like gravestones. When you encounter them, they remind you of loss, grief, and pain. I can help you to see them differently. Painful memories can be like childbirth. The pain in childbirth does not speak of some past traumatic event but it speaks of new life and new beginnings. The pain gives way to joy when you look on the face of your newborn. So it can be with painful memories. The pain that accompanies a bad memory can come as a reminder that you now live in the freedom of forgiveness. Do not in the future suppress memories that bring you pain, but welcome them as proof that you have been wonderfully transformed.
“I must speak also to those who have perpetrated violence upon others. You cannot and must not attempt to excuse your violence by blaming the experiences of your past or the circumstances of your present. Every abuser knows that what they are doing is unloving and harmful, and therefore it is wrong. The violence will not stop until you change and there are three essential parts of that change process.
“First, what you believe must change. Whatever you believe that gives you the right to be violent against another has to change. Beliefs in your own sovereignty, in your superiority, and in the inferiority of others are the lies from which you draw permission to control, punish, and intimidate others. Second, you must confess your wrongdoing and be prepared to accept the consequences of your behaviour. You must understand that you do not deserve the forgiveness of those you have wounded, and you certainly do not deserve their trust. If they choose to forgive you, they are doing so in order that they might move on with their own lives. They are not forgiving you to alleviate your guilt. Dealing with your guilt is what you must do, just as your victim is responsible to deal with the pain that you caused them. Finally you must understand that just as it is possible for your victim to find the grace to forgive you, so it is possible for you to find the grace to forgive yourself, change your behaviour, and live to your own potential.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
WHOLENESS IS A CHOICE
I knew I had a choice and I knew it was my choice, a choice to heal, a choice of returning to wholeness, or a choice of being stuck in eternal grief. Given that choice, I chose life.
Journey to Wholeness: The Story, The Tools, The Choice
Larry E.Simons and Carmen DiNino, Alspach
The voice stopped again, but this time something changed on the platform. The tigress had gone and Mishka stood alone. She moved slowly to the front of the platform and, raising her hands toward the heavens, she began to sing. She sang one of Marita’s songs. It was a healing song and Mishka now sang it over them, as Marita had sung it over wounded and sick people in the past. The power of the song was in large measure in the music, but in the days that followed the people who listened would always remember the words.
The beauty of a wild bird is that it is free,
Free to flit from tree to tree,
Free to sing its melody to the sky,
Free to nest in the highest tree.
But a caged bird is no longer wild,
No longer free to fly and sing,
She is possessed by an owner who moulds her into a thing,
For his pleasure, he becomes her master.
Her colours fade, her song ceases,
as her world becomes a tiny cage.
She knows she was not created to be,
the toy of one who seeks for pleasure.
I come, to take the bars away,
I come, to set you free.
I come, so that you will sing again,
and make your home in the highest tree.
Go, and take your freedom once more,
And leave your fear behind,
For freedom you were born,
And there is no freedom here.
Fear is the Master who imprisons us,
For its pleasure, not for ours,
It robs us of our freedom,
And wounds and disempowers.
Lay down every angry thought,
Every hate and every shame,
Forgiving others as you ought,
For Health and Healing is your new name.
When Mishka finished her song, she remained standing with her hands raised and her head bowed. The people began to reach out to each other. Some talked quietly together. Caring individuals embraced those who cried, and others simply held hands and sat together in silence. It was more than an hour before the last of the people turned for home and when they were gone only two remained: Mishka, still standing, with her arms raised, and Savannah.
As Savannah moved toward the older woman, Mishka’s knees suddenly gave way and she fell into Savannah’s arms. She lowered Mishka slowly to the floor. The Mother-Father was completely exhausted and for many minutes she lay in silence, her
eyes closed, as Savannah wiped the perspiration from her forehead. When she opened her eyes, she raised herself with great effort and sat with her back against the wall.
“Today,” she said quietly, with a gentle smile, “has been quite a day. We have heard the Great Creator speak healing to Loloma. Savannah, the Great Creator has always been and will always be the ‘One who comes,” and the “One who speaks” to those who both wait and listen. But waiting and listening are both difficult things to do when we believe that it is always going to be up to us to fix what is broken.
“Today we have been reminded that sexual predation, gender inequality, violent societies, and broken and dangerous relationships are symptoms of something far deeper. They are the symptoms of unbelief and fear. Unbelief severs us from our relationship with a loving Creator, and in the absence of real love and grace we instead give way to fear.”
“Yes, Mother,” Savannah said quietly. “I understand, because I also have been in that place. I know what it is to be diminished and damaged both by abuse and by my response to it. But now I know that the love of the Creator enlarges us and drives out all our fear. For the first time in my life I feel free to choose to be whole.” She waited for a reply, but none came.
The gentle smile was still on Mishka’s face, but the exhausted Mother-Father had fallen asleep.