She wanted to protest. She wanted to scream that he was wrong. Yet how could she? She didn’t know if he was wrong or right. She didn’t know if last night had been about her and Mitch, or if it had been about her needing a man to hold her. She felt awful. She felt as if she had betrayed him.
“I’m going to leave before I say something else I shouldn’t,” he muttered. “It’s probably better if we don’t see each other for a while.”
For a while? How long was that? She’d be going back to work in November. He didn’t mean that long, did he? But she had her pride and he had his. She’d hurt him badly and now she had to suffer the consequences.
He took his car keys from his pocket. “Take care of yourself, Lily.”
Moments later, he was driving down the street away from her.
Taking a deep, shaky breath, she tried not to think or feel and went inside to Grace and Sophie.
Chapter Nine
Late November
Lily sat across from Mitch in his office, hardly able to bear the awkwardness that had developed between them.
She’d been back at work for two weeks and had only caught glimpses of Mitch. He had definitely made himself scarce. The only reason they were in the same room together now was because they had to discuss a patient. “Joan Higgins has high levels of FSH, which definitely lowers the quality of her eggs. I think further testing is indicated.”
Mitch nodded, keeping his gaze on the notes on his desk.
After he’d left the Victorian that morning in June, he’d emailed Lily every few weeks to inquire about her health and her daughters’. Emailed. He was doing his duty and keeping his promise to Troy without truly getting involved.
Could she blame him?
Lily desperately wanted to blurt out to Mitch, “I miss you,” yet she knew she couldn’t. She’d hurt him greatly by making love with him while she grieved for her husband. But he’d hurt her by walking away as he had. If he could leave her life so easily, what had that night meant to him? What if they’d continued the affair? Would he eventually have opened up to her? Would he have been ready to care for her and the twins out of more than duty?
“I’ll order further tests,” he agreed, ending their discussion of the patient.
They sat in awkward silence.
Finally Mitch laid down his pen. “How does it feel to be back at work?” His expression was neutral and he could have been making polite conversation with any of their colleagues.
“It feels good to be back. But I miss Sophie and Grace,” she added honestly, as if he were still the old Mitch. “I miss not being able to hold them whenever I want. I mostly miss not hearing every new baby word first.”
“You could come in part time,” he suggested, as an employer might.
“I might be able to do that for a month or so, but I need my salary. I can’t just think about the moment, I have to think about the future.”
When their gazes collided, they were both thinking about taking pleasure in the moment, and the night neither of them would forget. At least, Lily hoped Mitch wouldn’t forget it. She knew she never would.
Mitch pushed the papers on his desk into a stack, clipped them together and tossed them into his in-box. “It’s getting late. I won’t keep you any longer. I know you want to get home.”
“Sophie and Grace are really growing and changing.”
He looked surprised she’d started up the conversation again.
Reaching into her lab coat pocket, she drew out a small picture portfolio. “These are the latest pictures…if you’d like to see them. I can’t believe they’re already nine months old.”
Maybe she was making it difficult for him to refuse to look, but right now she needed to see emotion from him, something more than a polite facade meant just for her. She’d ached for him all these months, but she hadn’t been able to do more than answer his emails in the same tone he’d sent them—politely and with pertinent information. Yet seeing him and working with him again, she realized how much she’d lost when he’d walked away.
As she slid the little booklet across the desk to him, she confessed, “I need to keep their faces close by.”
He stared at the small album for a couple of seconds and then picked it up. After he leafed through it, he stood and handed it back to her. “They’re beautiful kids, Lily. I imagine in a few weeks, you’ll have their picture taken with Santa Claus.”
Yes, the holidays were coming and she found she didn’t want to celebrate them without Mitch. Did he feel anything when he looked at Sophie and Grace’s photos? Did he wonder if the monitor was still working? If the sun rose and set now without her feeling grief twenty-four hours a day? What could she say to him to bring warmth back into his eyes?
She returned the photos to her pocket and rose to her feet. Obviously, he wanted her to leave. She could feel the figurative miles he was trying to shove between them. She’d let him do that for the past five months because she hadn’t known what else to do, what was fair, what was necessary. But she couldn’t merely leave things like this, emotions all tangled up, words gone unsaid, desires left unfulfilled.
“Mitch, what can I do to fix this?”
He didn’t pretend to not know what she was talking about. “I don’t think there’s anything to fix.”
It had taken courage on her part to bring it up, but he had shot her down without a glimmer of understanding…without a glimmer of hope that they could reestablish the connection they once had. She felt foolish and embarrassed. She should just go home to the people who loved her and wipe from her memories everything that had happened with Mitch.
She’d almost reached the door when she felt his hand on her shoulder. That simple touch brought back everything—the long, wet kisses, his hands on her body, the orgasm that had swept her to another realm. She hoped the naked feelings weren’t showing in her eyes.
“I don’t know how to fix it,” he admitted. “We crossed the line and we can’t go back.”
The five months that had passed had seemed like a lifetime. If she told him she was ready now, would it be the truth? Would he believe her?
“We could start over,” she suggested.
“As what? Colleagues who once had sex and now are trying to renew a friendship?”
His words hit her solar plexus squarely, just where he’d intended. Yet she couldn’t give up. “Maybe,” she answered truthfully. “We can’t deny what happened, but I hate this…wall between us. You were there when Grace and Sophie were born, and now you’ve just dropped out of their lives.”
“I thought the emails—”
“Mitch, you sent them from a sense of duty, because you made a promise to Troy. I didn’t know if you really cared. I didn’t know whether to email you pictures or describe how I rolled their strollers through the sprinkler and they loved it, or how their hair was finally long enough to put little bows in.”
He dropped his hand from her shoulder as if he could see the pictures, too, the pictures of them as they’d been, not just the twins. “I walked away because it was the right thing to do.”
“For me or for you?”
“For both of us.”
He didn’t look or sound as if he had any regrets. That hurt—a lot. She shook her head and accepted what seemed to be inevitable. “If you want to just be colleagues, that’s fine. We’ll figure out eventually how to relate on that level.”
She would have gone again, but this time the huskiness in his voice stopped her. “Lily.”
When she swung around suddenly, she saw a flicker of something on his face…and she waited, hoping.
“What did you have in mind?” he asked.
If that wasn’t a loaded question! But she did have something in mind. She just didn’t know if he’d go for it.
“How are you celebrating Thanksgiving?” Lily asked. It was only three days away. If he had plans, so be it. She’d figure out something else.
“I plan to pick up a turkey dinner at the Yellow Rose.”
“I guess that’s not how most people celebrate Thanksgiving, but afterward I was going to make some phone calls, to make sure everyone was still coming next weekend.”
His reunion weekend. The one she’d thought she’d be involved in. “Would you like to come along with Ellie and me to Raina and Shep’s?”
Considering that for a few heartbeats, Mitch finally answered, “Are you sure they wouldn’t mind having an unexpected guest?”
Her heart seemed to jump against her chest. “Shep said Eva bought a turkey big enough to fill the entire oven. I’m sure they won’t mind.”
“You already checked this out with Raina, didn’t you?” he asked suspiciously.
“Actually, it was her idea. I mentioned things were strained between us here.”
“Women,” he said with a bit of exasperation. “Do you have to tell each other everything?”
“Not everything,” Lily assured him quickly.
There was a darkening of Mitch’s eyes and she knew he’d caught her underlying meaning.
“Ellie might not like the idea,” he pointed out.
“No, she might not. And for her sake, it might be better if we meet at Shep and Raina’s ranch.”
“Doesn’t this take us back where we started?” he asked with such soberness she realized much more was going on under the surface than he was revealing.
“No, it doesn’t. Because I’ll tell her I invited you. I’ll make that clear.”
It was easy for her to see that Mitch was debating with himself.
Although she didn’t want to say acceptable words just because he wanted to hear them, she did. “If you don’t want to come, that’s okay. I understand. I just thought maybe we could ease back into…friendship.”
“With a crowd around?” he asked, the corner of his lip quirking up.
“Sometimes conversation comes more easily that way.”
“And kids are always great buffers.”
“Yes,” she agreed, now holding her breath, waiting for his answer.
He gave it in the form of another question. “What time does Thanksgiving dinner start?”
When Raina pulled Mitch into a bedlam of bubbling voices, running kids and chattering adults, he knew he must be crazy. He could be sitting home alone, in front of a takeout turkey dinner—
His gaze found Lily right off. At the stove, she was testing the boiling potatoes. Her hair was arranged in a wispy version of a bun that made his fingers tingle to pull it down. She was wearing a calf-length suede skirt with tan boots, and a long multicolored blouse with a concho belt slung low on her slim waist. When she turned to wave at him, he could read her apron that proclaimed in block lettering, I’d Rather Cook Than Clean.
As Shep came toward him, Mitch offered him a bottle of wine. To Raina, he handed a bouquet of colorful mums.
“You didn’t have to do that,” she said.
“I wanted to.” He really had. It was nice of them to include him.
How much did Lily want him here? Maybe she just wanted them to work together without snubbing each other. That would be a far cry from becoming friends again. Friends like before Troy had died? Or friends like after the twins were born?
Lily’s babies were sitting in play saucers in the kitchen so she could keep her eye on them. Eva was conversing with Ellie as they made a salad together. Ellie had given Mitch a glance and lifted a hand in his direction, but that was about all.
This could be one interesting Thanksgiving dinner.
Although he knew it wasn’t in his best interest, he did want to see how Sophie and Grace had grown.
It had been more than difficult to stay away from Lily and her daughters all these months. But he’d felt it was the right move to make. She’d needed time to recover from Troy’s passing. And even now he doubted enough time had passed. But today was about getting a real look at her life again. If he had to try to watch over her without getting involved, then somehow he’d manage that.
He hunkered down at Grace’s play saucer, helping her ring a bell, spin a wheel and study her face in the mirror. She giggled at him and reached out to touch his jaw. That tiny hand on his chin made his heart squeeze uncomfortably, so he gave it a gentle pat and moved on to Sophie, who seemed a little more sedate. After all, she was the older sister, even if it was only by two to three minutes. She was slower to let Mitch join in her private game, but eventually she welcomed the intricacies of his set of keys and would have kept them if not for her mom intervening.
“She’ll put them in her mouth,” Lily said. “I try to keep her toys as sterile as possible, but you know how that is.”
“Actually, I don’t, but I can imagine with their crawling all over the floor.” He looked around at the saucers and stroller and the high chairs. “You must have brought a truck.”
Lily laughed.
“The high chairs and stroller fold. Ellie stowed them in the back of her car.” She glanced back at the potatoes. “I’d better finish those if we want them ready with the turkey.”
“Do you need help with the pot?” It was huge and, he imagined, quite heavy.
“Sure. That would be great.”
As he stepped around her, his hip brushed hers. That minor connection of their bodies threw him more than he wanted to admit. He stood in front of the stove and reached for the pot. As always with Lily, physical contact sent his system into a rush forward toward something out of his reach. He thought that might have diminished in their time apart.
It hadn’t.
Coming here today had been stupid. He avoided her gaze as he drained the potatoes into a colander in the sink, steam billowing up all around them. This isn’t the first time, he thought ironically.
“Into the mixing bowl?” he asked, looking at the bowl on the counter.
She nodded, avoiding his gaze, too.
They were a pair. No, not a pair, he corrected himself. Just two individuals with wants and needs that couldn’t be fulfilled.
He saw Lily go over to her daughters and consult with Raina, who was playing with them, her own five-month-old cuddled close on her lap. Then Lily returned to the mixer.
“Raina said I could put in whatever I want, so here goes.”
“Whatever you want?” he asked. “I thought they just got butter and milk.”
“That’s the plain version,” Lily explained with a smile, starting the mixer. “I like to add a little pizzazz.”
She added pizzazz all right. With fascination, he watched her add sour cream, milk, chives and a blob of butter for good measure.
“No cholesterol there,” he muttered.
She jabbed him in the ribs. “It’s Thanksgiving.”
He liked the feel of her friendliness again. He’d missed her a lot over the past five months. In his email inquiries, he’d wanted to ask question after question—about the babies and about her. Yet he’d known he had to, in large part, leave her alone. He should have done that to begin with. Today, however, with her close by his side, within kissing distance, inhaling the familiar scent of her perfume, he saw keeping a wall up between them was either very smart…or very stupid. What would an affair do to them? Was she even open to one? Were either of them really ready to move on?
After whipping the potatoes into a delicious white frenzy, Lily stuck in a spoon, took a fingerful and poked it into her mouth. She rolled her eyes. “Just right. Try some?”
He’d watched that finger go into her mouth. He’d watched her lips pucker up. He’d watched her lick it. If there weren’t so many people in the big kitchen, he’d kiss her. But there were and he didn’t. Instead he put his finger on the spoon, curled potatoes onto it and popped it into his mouth.
“Just right,” he agreed, his eyes locking to hers, his gut telling him they weren’t finished and might never be.
Mitch barely heard the sound of scraping chairs and laughter and the clatter of
silverware. He did hear the doorbell ring. Soon after, the door opened and he heard a woman’s voice call, “We’re here.”
Shep picked up the turkey on its platter and carried it to the table, explaining to Mitch, “It’s Raina’s mom and brother. Ryder just got off his shift.”
Mitch knew Raina’s brother was a cop.
Ryder and Sonya Greystone came into the kitchen and were introduced to Mitch. Sonya said to him, “I hope you’re a big eater, like Shep. I made pumpkin, apple and cherry pies, and I don’t want to take any home.”
Shep gave her a bear hug. “You don’t have to worry about that.”
Mitch had never experienced anything like this Thanksgiving celebration—so many people who seemed like family and really cared about each other. Then he realized that conclusion wasn’t true. When he and his buddies and families got together, it was a similar feeling. Family meant something different to everyone, and he was suddenly glad he hadn’t stayed home today and eaten dinner in front of a football game.
In the next few minutes, he helped Lily transfer the potatoes from the mixing bowl to a beautiful serving dish embellished with roses and gold trim. He stared at it for a second and Lily asked, “Mitch?”
In the midst of the holiday chaos, he said in a low voice, “This dish reminds me of one my mom used when she tried to make the holidays a celebration for the two of us.”
“Holidays are supposed to be about memories and traditions and loved ones, even when they’re not still with us.”
He’d walked into that one. When his gaze met Lily’s, he expected to see sadness on her face. Instead, he saw an emotion more poignant.
She said, “If you’ll put those on the table, I’ll set the twins in their high chairs.”
In the next few minutes, everyone was seated around the huge, rectangular table. Even Joey and Roy seemed awed by the amount of food in front of them.
In the moment of quiet, Shep said, “Let’s all give thanks for being together today.”
Mitch didn’t know where the chain started—maybe with Shep’s children—but everyone held hands and bowed their heads, remembering Thanksgivings past, grateful for the opportunity to be together like this with more than enough food for everyone to eat.
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