by Ayn Rand
She had asked Rearden whether he had come there one night last spring and stood outside her window, fighting his desire to enter. But she had known, even before he answered, that he had not. She did not tell him why she asked it. She did not know why that memory still disturbed her at times.
Beyond the window of her living room, the lighted rectangle of the calendar hung like a small shipping tag in the black sky. It read: September 2. She smiled defiantly, remembering the race she had run against its changing pages: there were no deadlines now, she thought, no barriers, no threats, no limits.
She heard a key turning in the door of her apartment; this was the sound she had waited for, had wanted to hear tonight.
Rearden came in, as he had come many times, using the key she had given him, as sole announcement. He threw his hat and coat down on a chair with a gesture that had become familiar; he wore the formal black of dinner clothes.
"Hello," she said.
"I'm still waiting for the evening when I won't find you in," he answered.
"Then you'll have to phone the offices of Taggart Transcontinental."
"Any evening? Nowhere else?"
"Jealous, Hank?"
"No. Curious what it would feel like, to be."
He stood looking at her across the room, refusing to let himself approach her, deliberately prolonging the pleasure of knowing that he could do it whenever he wished. She wore the tight gray skirt of an office suit and a blouse of transparent white cloth tailored like a man's shirt; the blouse flared out above her waistline, stressing the trim flatness of her hips; against the glow of a lamp behind her, he could see the slender silhouette of her body within the flaring circle of the blouse.
"How was the banquet?" she asked.
"Fine. I escaped as soon as I could. Why didn't you come? You were invited."
"I didn't want to see you in public."
He glanced at her, as if stressing that he noted the full meaning of her answer; then the lines of his face moved to the hint of an amused smile. "You missed a lot. The National Council of Metal Industries won't put itself again through the ordeal of having me for guest of honor. Not if they can help it."
"What happened?"
"Nothing. Just a lot of speeches."
"Was it an ordeal for you?"
"No ... Yes, in a way ... I had really wanted to enjoy it."
"Shall I get you a drink?"
"Yes, will you?"
She turned to go. He stopped her, grasping her shoulders from behind; he bent her head back and kissed her mouth. When he raised his head, she pulled it down again with a demanding gesture of ownership, as if stressing her right to do it. Then she stepped away from him.
"Never mind the drink," he said, "I didn't really want it--except for seeing you wait on me."
"Well, then, let me wait on you."
"No."
He smiled, stretching himself out on the couch, his hands crossed under his head. He felt at home; it was the first home he had ever found.
"You know, the worst part of the banquet was that the only wish of every person present was to get it over with," he said. "What I can't understand is why they wanted to do it at all. They didn't have to. Certainly not for my sake."
She picked up a cigarette box, extended it to him, then held the flame of a lighter to the tip of his cigarette, in the deliberate manner of waiting on him. She smiled in answer to his chuckle, then sat down on the arm of a chair across the room.
"Why did you accept their invitation, Hank?" she asked. "You've always refused to join them."
"I didn't want to refuse a peace offer--when I've beaten them and they know it. I'll never join them, but an invitation to appear as a guest of honor--well, I thought they were good losers. I thought it was generous of them."
"Of them?"
"Are you going to say: of me?"
"Hank! After all the things they've done to stop you--"
"I won, didn't I? So I thought ... You know, I didn't hold it against them that they couldn't see the value of the Metal sooner--so long as they saw it at last. Every man learns in his own way and time. Sure, I knew there was a lot of cowardice there, and envy and hypocrisy, but I thought that that was only the surface--now, when I've proved my case, when I've proved it so loudly!--I thought their real motive for inviting me was their appreciation of the Metal, and--"
She smiled in the brief space of his pause; she knew the sentence he had stopped himself from uttering: "--and for that, I would forgive anyone anything."
"But it wasn't," he said. "And I couldn't figure out what their motive was. Dagny, I don't think they had any motive at all. They didn't give that banquet to please me, or to gain something from me, or to save face with the public. There was no purpose of any kind about it, no meaning. They didn't really care when they denounced the Metal--and they don't care now. They're not really afraid that I'll drive them all off the market--they don't care enough even about that. Do you know what that banquet was like? It's as if they'd heard that there are values one is supposed to honor and this is what one does to honor them--so they went through the motions, like ghosts pulled by some sort of distant echoes from a better age. I ... I couldn't stand it."
She said, her face tight, "And you don't think you're generous!"
He glanced up at her; his eyes brightened to a look of amusement. "Why do they make you so angry?"
She said, her voice low to hide the sound of tenderness, "You wanted to enjoy it ..."
"It probably serves me right. I shouldn't have expected anything. I don't know what it was that I wanted."
"I do."
"I've never liked occasions of that sort. I don't see why I expected it to be different, this time.... You know, I went there feeling almost as if the Metal had changed everything, even people."
"Oh yes, Hank, I know!"
"Well, it was the wrong place to seek anything.... Do you remember ? You said once that celebrations should be only for those who have something to celebrate."
The dot of her lighted cigarette stopped in mid-air; she sat still. She had never spoken to him of that party or of anything related to his home. In a moment, she answered quietly, "I remember."
"I know what you meant ... I knew it then, too."
He was looking straight at her. She lowered her eyes.
He remained silent; when he spoke again, his voice was gay. "The worst thing about people is not the insults they hand out, but the compliments. I couldn't bear the kind they spouted tonight, particularly when they kept saying how much everybody needs me--they, the city, the country and the whole world, I guess. Apparently, their idea of the height of glory is to deal with people who need them. I can't stand people who need me." He glanced at her. "Do you need me?"
She answered, her voice earnest, "Desperately."
He laughed. "No. Not the way I meant. You didn't say it the way they do."
"How did I say it?"
"Like a trader--who pays for what he wants. They say it like beggars who use a tin cup as a claim check."
"I ... pay for it, Hank?"
"Don't look innocent. You know exactly what I mean."
"Yes," she whispered; she was smiling.
"Oh, to hell with them!" he said happily, stretching his legs, shifting the position of his body on the couch, stressing the luxury of relaxation. "I'm no good as a public figure. Anyway, it doesn't matter now. We don't have to care what they see or don't see. They'll leave us alone. It's clear track ahead. What's the next undertaking, Mr. Vice-President?"
"A transcontinental track of Rearden Metal."
"How soon do you want it?"
"Tomorrow morning. Three years from now is when I'll get it."
"Think you can do it in three years?"
"If the John Galt ... if the Rio Norte Line does as well as it's doing now."
"It's going to do better. That's only the beginning."
"I have an installment plan made out. As the money comes in, I'm going to start tearing up the
main track, one division at a time, and replacing it with Rearden Metal rail."
"Okay. Any time you wish to start."
"I'll keep moving the old rail to the branch lines--they won't last much longer, if I don't. In three years, you'll ride on your own Metal into San Francisco, if somebody wants to give you a banquet there."
"In three years, I'll have mills pouring Rearden Metal in Colorado, in Michigan and in Idaho. That's my installment plan."
"Your own mills? Branches?"
"Uh-huh."
"What about the Equalization of Opportunity Bill?"
"You don't think it's going to exist three years from now, do you? We've given them such a demonstration that all that rot is going to be swept away. The whole country is with us. Who'll want to stop things now? Who'll listen to the bilge? There's a lobby of the better kind of men working in Washington right this moment. They're going to get the Equalization Bill scrapped at the next session."
"I ... I hope so."
"I've had a terrible time, these last few weeks, getting the new furnaces started, but it's all set now, they're being built, I can sit back and take it easy. I can sit at my desk, rake in the money, loaf like a bum, watch the orders for the Metal pouring in and play favorites all over the place.... Say, what's the first train you've got for Philadelphia tomorrow morning?"
"Oh, I don't know."
"You don't? What's the use of an Operating Vice-President? I have to be at the mills by seven tomorrow. Got anything running around six?"
"Five-thirty A.M. is the first one, I think."
"Will you wake me up in time to make it or would you rather order the train held for me?"
"I'll wake you up."
She sat, watching him as he remained silent. He had looked tired when he came in; the lines of exhaustion were gone from his face now.
"Dagny," he asked suddenly; his tone had changed, there was some hidden, earnest note in his voice, "why didn't you want to see me in public?"
"I don't want to be part of your ... official life."
He did not answer; in a moment, he asked casually, "When did you take a vacation last?"
"I think it was two ... no, three years ago."
"What did you do?"
"Went to the Adirondacks for a month. Came back in a week."
"I did that five years ago. Only it was Oregon." He lay flat on his back, looking at the ceiling. "Dagny, let's take a vacation together. Let's take my car and drive away for a few weeks, anywhere, just drive, down the back roads, where no one knows us. We'll leave no address, we won't look at a newspaper, we won't touch a phone--we won't have any official life at all."
She got up. She approached him, she stood by the side of the couch, looking down at him, the light of the lamp behind her; she did not want him to see her face and the effort she was making not to smile.
"You can take a few weeks off, can't you?" he said. "Things are set and going now. It's safe. We won't have another chance in the next three years."
"All right, Hank," she said, forcing her voice to sound calmly toneless.
"Will you?"
"When do you want to start?"
"Monday morning."
"All right."
She turned to step away. He seized her wrist, pulled her down, swung her body to lie stretched full-length on top of him, he held her still, uncomfortably, as she had fallen, his one hand in her hair, pressing her mouth to his, his other hand moving from the shoulder blades under her thin blouse to her waist, to her legs. She whispered, "And you say I don't need you ... !"
She pulled herself away from him, and stood up, brushing her hair off her face. He lay still, looking up at her, his eyes narrowed, the bright flicker of some particular interest in his eyes, intent and faintly mocking. She glanced down: a strap of her slip had broken, the slip hung diagonally from her one shoulder to her side, and he was looking at her breast under the transparent film of the blouse. She raised her hand to adjust the strap. He slapped her hand down. She smiled, in understanding, in answering mockery. She walked slowly, deliberately across the room and leaned against a table, facing him, her hands holding the table's edge, her shoulders thrown back. It was the contrast he liked--the severity of her clothes and the half-naked body, the railroad executive who was a woman he owned.
He sat up; he sat leaning comfortably across the couch, his legs crossed and stretched forward, his hands in his pockets, looking at her with the glance of a property appraisal.
"Did you say you wanted a transcontinental track of Rearden Metal, Mr. Vice-President?" he asked. "What if I don't give it to you? I can choose my customers now and demand any price I please. If this were a year ago, I would have demanded that you sleep with me in exchange."
"I wish you had."
"Would you have done it?"
"Of course."
"As a matter of business? As a sale?"
"If you were the buyer. You would have liked that, wouldn't you?"
"Would you?"
"Yes ..." she whispered.
He approached her, he grasped her shoulders and pressed his mouth to her breast through the thin cloth.
Then, holding her, he looked at her silently for a long moment. "What did you do with that bracelet?" he asked.
They had never referred to it; she had to let a moment pass to regain the steadiness of her voice. "I have it," she answered.
"I want you to wear it."
"If anyone guesses, it will be worse for you than for me."
"Wear it."
She brought out the bracelet of Rearden Metal. She extended it to him without a word, looking straight at him, the green-blue chain glittering across her palm. Holding her glance, he clasped the bracelet on her wrist. In the moment when the clasp clicked shut under his fingers, she bent her head down to them and kissed his hand.
The earth went flowing under the hood of the car. Uncoiling from among the curves of Wisconsin's hills, the highway was the only evidence of human labor, a precarious bridge stretched across a sea of brush, weeds and trees. The sea rolled softly, in sprays of yellow and orange, with a few red jets shooting up on the hillsides, with pools of remnant green in the hollows, under a pure blue sky. Among the colors of a picture post card, the car's hood looked like the work of a jeweler, with the sun sparkling on its chromium steel, and its black enamel reflecting the sky.
Dagny leaned against the corner of the side window, her legs stretched forward; she liked the wide, comfortable space of the car's seat and the warmth of the sun on her shoulders; she thought that the countryside was beautiful.
"What I'd like to see," said Rearden, "is a billboard."
She laughed: he had answered her silent thought. "Selling what and to whom? We haven't seen a car or a house for an hour."
"That's what I don't like about it." He bent forward a little, his hands on the wheel; he was frowning. "Look at that road."
The long strip of concrete was bleached to the powdery gray of bones left on a desert, as if sun and snows had eaten away the traces of tires, oil and carbon, the lustrous polish of motion. Green weeds rose from the angular cracks of the concrete. No one had used the road or repaired it for many years; but the cracks were few.
"It's a good road," said Rearden. "It was built to last. The man who built it must have had a good reason for expecting it to carry a heavy traffic in the years ahead."
"Yes ..."
"I don't like the looks of this."
"I don't either." Then she smiled. "But think how often we've heard people complain that billboards ruin the appearance of the countryside. Well, there's the unruined countryside for them to admire." She added, "They're the people I hate."
She did not want to feel the uneasiness which she felt like a thin crack under her enjoyment of this day. She had felt that uneasiness at times, in the last three weeks, at the sight of the country streaming past the wedge of the car's hood. She smiled: it was the hood that had been the immovable point in her field of vision, while the earth had gon
e by, it was the hood that had been the center, the focus, the security in a blurred, dissolving world ... the hood before her and Rearden's hands on the wheel by her side ... she smiled, thinking that she was satisfied to let this be the shape of her world.
After the first week of their wandering, when they had driven at random, at the mercy of unknown crossroads, he had said to her one morning as they started out, "Dagny, does resting have to be purposeless?" She had laughed, answering, "No. What factory do you want to see?" He had smiled--at the guilt he did not have to assume, at the explanations he did not have to give--and he had answered, "It's an abandoned ore mine around Saginaw Bay, that I've heard about. They say it's exhausted."
They had driven across Michigan to the ore mine. They had walked through the ledges of an empty pit, with the remnants of a crane like a skeleton bending above them against the sky, and someone's rusted lunchbox clattering away from under their feet. She had felt a stab of uneasiness., sharper than sadness--but Rearden had said cheerfully, "Exhausted, hell! I'll show them how many tons and dollars I can draw out of this place!" On their way back to the car, he had said, "If I could find the right man, I'd buy that mine for him tomorrow morning and set him up to work it."
The next day, when they were driving west and south, toward the plains of Illinois, he had said suddenly, after a long silence, "No, I'll have to wait till they junk the Bill. The man who could work that mine, wouldn't need me to teach him. The man who'd need me, wouldn't be worth a damn."
They could speak of their work, as they always had, with full confidence in being understood. But they never spoke of each other. He acted as if their passionate intimacy were a nameless physical fact, not to be identified in the communication between two minds. Each night, it was as if she lay in the arms of a stranger who let her see every shudder of sensation that ran through his body, but would never permit her to know whether the shocks reached any answering tremor within him. She lay naked at his side, but on her wrist there was the bracelet of Rearden Metal.
She knew that he hated the ordeal of signing the "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" on the registers of squalid roadside hotels. There were evenings when she noticed the faint contraction of anger in the tightness of his mouth, as he signed the expected names of the expected fraud, anger at those who made fraud necessary. She noticed, indifferently, the air of knowing slyness in the manner of the hotel clerks, which seemed to suggest that guests and clerks alike were accomplices in a shameful guilt: the guilt of seeking pleasure. But she knew that it did not matter to him when they were alone, when he held her against him for a moment and she saw his eyes look alive and guiltless.