by Ayn Rand
"Do they?" said Hugh Akston softly. "Do they desire it? No, don't answer me now. I know that the answer was the hardest thing for any of us to grasp and to accept. Just take that question back with you, as the last premise left for you to check."
"You're leaving as our friend," said Midas Mulligan, "and we'll be fighting everything you'll do, because we know you're wrong, but it's not you that we'll be damning."
"You'll come back," said Hugh Akston, "because yours is an error of knowledge, not a moral failure, not an act of surrender to evil, but only the last act of being victim to your own virtue. We'll wait for you--and, Dagny, when you come back, you will have discovered that there need never be any conflict among your desires, nor so tragic a clash of values as the one you've borne so well."
"Thank you," she said, closing her eyes.
"We must discuss the conditions of your departure," said Galt; he spoke in the dispassionate manner of an executive. "First, you must give us your word that you will not disclose our secret or any part of it--neither our cause nor our existence nor this valley nor your whereabouts for the past month--to anyone in the outer world, not at any time or for any purpose whatsoever."
"I give you my word."
"Second, you must never attempt to find this valley again. You are not to come here uninvited. Should you break the first condition, it will not place us in serious danger. Should you break the second--it will. It is not our policy ever to be at the arbitrary mercy of the good faith of another person, or at the mercy of a promise that cannot be enforced. Nor can we expect you to place our interests above your own. Since you believe that your course is right, the day may come when you may find it necessary to lead our enemies to this valley. We shall, therefore, leave you no means to do it. You will be taken out of the valley by plane, blindfolded, and you will be flown a distance sufficient to make it impossible for you ever to retrace the course."
She inclined her head. "You are right."
"Your plane has been repaired. Do you wish to reclaim it by signing a draft on your account at the Mulligan Bank?"
"No."
"Then we shall hold it, until such time as you choose to pay for it. Day after tomorrow, I will take you in my plane to a point outside the valley and leave you within reach of further transportation."
She inclined her head. "Very well."
It had grown dark, when they left Midas Mulligan's. The trail back to Galt's house led across the valley, past Francisco's cabin, and the three of them walked home together. A few squares of lighted windows hung scattered through the darkness, and the first streams of mist were weaving slowly across the panes, like shadows cast by a distant sea. They walked in silence, but the sound of their steps, blending into a single, steady beat, was like a speech to be grasped and not to be uttered in any other form.
After a while, Francisco said, "It changes nothing, it only makes the span a little longer, and the last stretch is always the hardest--but it's the last."
"I will hope so," she said. In a moment, she repeated quietly, "The last is the hardest." She turned to Galt. "May I make one request?"
"Yes."
"Will you let me go tomorrow?"
"If you wish."
When Francisco spoke again, moments later, it was as if he were addressing the unnamed wonder in her mind; his voice had the tone of answering a question: "Dagny, all three of us are in love"--she jerked her head to him--"with the same thing, no matter what its forms. Don't wonder why you feel no breach among us. You'll be one of us, so long as you'll remain in love with your rails and your engines--and they'll lead you back to us, no matter how many times you lose your way. The only man never to be redeemed is the man without passion."
"Thank you," she said softly.
"For what?"
"For ... for the way you sound."
"How do I sound? Name it, Dagny."
"You sound ... as if you're happy."
"I am--in exactly the same way you are. Don't tell me what you feel. I know it. But, you see, the measure of the hell you're able to endure is the measure of your love. The hell I couldn't bear to witness would be to see you being indifferent."
She nodded silently, unable to name as joy any part of the things she felt, yet feeling that he was right.
Clots of mist were drifting, like smoke, across the moon, and in the diffused glow she could not distinguish the expressions of their faces, as she walked between them: the only expressions to perceive were the straight silhouettes of their bodies, the unbroken sound of their steps and her own feeling that she wished to walk on and on, a feeling she could not define, except that it was neither doubt nor pain.
When they approached his cabin, Francisco stopped, the gesture of his hand embracing them both as he pointed to his door. "Will you come in -since it's to be our last night together for some time? Let's have a drink to that future of which all three of us are certain."
"Are we?" she asked.
"Yes," said Galt, "we are."
She looked at their faces when Francisco switched on the light in his house. She could not define their expressions, it was not happiness or any emotion pertaining to joy, their faces were taut and solemn, but it was a glowing solemnity--she thought--if this were possible, and the odd glow she felt within her, told her that her own face had the same look.
Francisco reached for three glasses from a cupboard, but stopped, as at a sudden thought. He placed one glass on the table, then reached for .the two silver goblets of Sebastian d'Anconia and placed them beside .it.
"Are you going straight to New York, Dagny?" he asked, in the calm, unstrained tone of a host, bringing out a bottle of old wine.
"Yes," she answered as calmly.
"I'm flying to Buenos Aires day after tomorrow," he said, uncorking the bottle. "I'm not sure whether I'll be back in New York later, but if I am, it will be dangerous for you to see me."
"I won't care about that," she said, "unless you feel that I'm not entitled to see you any longer."
"True, Dagny. You're not. Not in New York."
He was pouring the wine and he glanced up at Galt. "John, when will you decide whether you're going back or staying here?"
Galt looked straight at him, then said slowly, in the tone of a man who knows all the consequences of his words, "I have decided, Francisco. I'm going back."
Francisco's hand stopped. For a long moment, he was seeing nothing but Galt's face. Then his eyes moved to hers. He put the bottle down and he did not step back, but it was as if his glance drew back to a wider range, to include them both.
"But of course," he said.
He looked as if he had moved still farther and were now seeing the whole spread of their years; his voice had an even, uninflected sound, a quality that matched the size of the vision.
"I knew it twelve years ago," he said. "I knew it before you could have known, and it's I who should have seen that you would see. That night, when you called us to New York, I thought of it then as"--he was speaking to Galt, but his eyes moved to Dagny--"as everything that you were seeking ... everything you told us to live for or die, if necessary. I should have seen that you would think it, too. It could not have been otherwise. It is as it had--and ought--to be. It was set then, twelve years ago." He looked at Galt and chuckled softly. "And you say that it's I who've taken the hardest beating?"
He turned with too swift a movement--then, too slowly, as if in deliberate emphasis, he completed the task of pouring the wine, filling the three vessels on the table. He picked up the two silver goblets, looked down at them for the pause of an instant, then extended one to Dagny, the other to Galt.
"Take it," he said. "You've earned it--and it wasn't chance."
Galt took the goblet from his hand, but it was as if the acceptance was done by their eyes as they looked at each other.
"I would have given anything to let it be otherwise," said Galt, "except that which is beyond giving."
She held her goblet, she looked at Francisco and she let
him see her eyes glance at Galt. "Yes," she said in the tone of an answer. "But I have not earned it--and what you've paid, I'm paying it now, and I don't know whether I'll ever earn enough to hold clear title, but if hell is the price--and the measure--then let me be the greediest of the three of us."
As they drank, as she stood, her eyes closed, feeling the liquid motion of the wine inside her throat, she knew that for all three of them this was the most tortured--and the most exultant--moment they had ever reached.
She did not speak to Galt, as they walked down the last stretch of the trail to his house. She did not turn her head to him, feeling that even a glance would be too dangerous. She felt, in their silence, both the calm of a total understanding and the tension of the knowledge that they were not to name the things they understood.
But she faced him, when they were in his living room, with full confidence and as if in sudden certainty of a right--the certainty that she would not break and that it was now safe to speak. She said evenly, neither as plea nor as triumph, merely as the statement of a fact, "You are going back to the outer world because I will be there."
"Yes."
"I do not want you to go."
"You have no choice about it."
"You are going for my sake."
"No, for mine."
"Will you allow me to see you there?"
"No."
"I am not to see you?"
"No."
"I am not to know where you are or what you do?"
"You're not."
"Will you be watching me, as you did before?"
"More so."
"Is your purpose to protect me?"
"No."
"What is it, then?"
"To be there on the day when you decide to join us."
She looked at him attentively, permitting herself no other reaction, but as if groping for an answer to the first point she had not fully understood.
"All the rest of us will be gone," he explained. "It will become too dangerous to remain. I will remain as your last key, before the door of this valley closes altogether."
"Oh!" She choked it off before it became a moan. Then, regaining the manner of impersonal detachment, she asked, "Suppose I were to tell you that my decision is final and that I am never to join you?"
"It would be a lie."
"Suppose I were now to decide that I wish to make it final and to stand by it, no matter what the future?"
"No matter what future evidence you observe and what convictions you form?"
"Yes."
"That would be worse than a lie."
"You are certain that I have made the wrong decision?"
"I am."
"Do you believe that one must be responsible for one's own errors?"
"I do."
"Then why aren't you letting me bear the consequences of mine?"
"I am and you will."
"If I find, when it is too late, that I want to return to this valley -why should you have to bear the risk of keeping that door open to me?"
"I don't have to. I wouldn't do it if I had no selfish end to gain."
"What selfish end?"
"I want you here."
She closed her eyes and inclined her head in open admission of defeat--defeat in the argument and in her attempt to face calmly the full meaning of that which she was leaving.
Then she raised her head and, as if she had absorbed his kind of frankness, she looked at him, hiding neither her suffering nor her longing nor her calm, knowing that all three were in her glance.
His face was as it had been in the sunlight of the moment when she had seen it for the first time: a face of merciless serenity and unflinching perceptiveness, without pain or fear or guilt. She thought that were it possible for her to stand looking at him, at the straight lines of his eyebrows over the dark green eyes, at the curve of the shadow underscoring the shape of his mouth, at the poured-metal planes of his skin in the open collar of his shirt and the casually immovable posture of his legs--she would wish to spend the rest of her life on this spot and in this manner. And in the next instant she knew that if her wish were granted, the contemplation would lose all meaning, because she would have betrayed all the things that gave it value.
Then, not as memory, but as an experience of the present, she felt herself reliving the moment when she had stood at the window of her room in New York, looking at a fogbound city, at the unattainable shape of Atlantis sinking out of reach--and she knew that she was now seeing the answer to that moment. She felt, not the words she had then addressed to the city, but that untranslated sensation from which the words had come: You, whom I have always loved and never found, you whom I expected to see at the end of the rails beyond the horizon--
Aloud, she said, "I want you to know this. I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard, no matter how long or hard the struggle"--you whose presence I had always felt in the streets of the city, the wordless voice within her was saying, and whose world I had wanted to build--"Now I know that I was fighting for this valley"--it is my love for you that had kept me moving--"It was this valley that I saw as possible and would exchange for nothing less and would not give up to a mindless evil"--my love and my hope to reach you and my wish to be worthy of you on the day when I would stand before you face to face--"I am going back to fight for this valley--to release it from its underground, to regain for it its full and rightful realm, to let the earth belong to you in fact, as it does in spirit--and to meet you again on the day when I'm able to deliver to you the whole of the world--or, if I fail, to remain in exile from this valley to the end of my life"--but what is left of my life will still be yours, and I will go on in your name, even though it is a name I'm never to pronounce, I will go on serving you, even though I'm never to win, I will go on, to be worthy of you on the day when I would have met you, even though I won.'t--"I will fight for it, even if I have to fight against you, even if you damn me as a traitor ... even if I am never to see you again."
He had stood without moving, he had listened with no change in his face, only his eyes had looked at her as if he were hearing every word, even the words she had not pronounced. He answered, with the same look, as if the look were holding some circuit not yet to be broken, his voice catching some tone of hers, as if in signal of the same code, a voice with no sign of emotion except in the spacing of the words:
"If you fail, as men have failed in their quest for a vision that should have been possible, yet has remained forever beyond their reach--if, like them, you come to think that one's highest values are not to be attained and one's greatest vision is not to be made real-- don't damn this earth, as they did, don't damn existence. You have seen the Atlantis they were seeking, it is here, it exists--but one must enter it naked and alone, with no rags from the falsehoods of centuries, with the purest clarity of mind--not an innocent heart, but that which is much rarer: an intransigent mind--as one's only possession and key. You will not enter it until you learn that you do not need to convince or to conquer the world. When you learn it, you will see that through all the years of your struggle, nothing had barred you from Atlantis and there were no chains to hold you, except the chains you were willing to wear. Through all those years, that which you most wished to win was waiting for you"--he looked at her as if he were speaking to the unspoken words in her mind--"waiting as unremittingly as you were fighting, as passionately, as desperately--but with a greater certainty than yours. Go out to continue your struggle. Go on carrying unchosen burdens, taking undeserved punishment and believing that justice can be served by the offer of your own spirit to the most unjust of tortures. But in your worst and darkest moments, remember that you have seen another kind of world. Remember that you can reach it whenever you choose to see. Remember that it will be waiting and that it's real, it's possible--it's yours."
Then, turning his head a little, his voice as clear, but his eyes
breaking the circuit, he asked, "What time do you wish to leave tomorrow?"
"Oh ... ! As early as it will be convenient for you."
"Then have breakfast ready at seven and we'll take off at eight."
"I will."
He reached into his pocket and extended to her a small, shining disk which she could not distinguish at first. He dropped it on the palm of her hand: it was a five-dollar gold piece.
"The last of your wages for the month," he said.
Her fingers snapped closed over the coin too tightly, but she answered calmly and tonelessly, "Thank you."
"Good night, Miss Taggart."
"Good night."
She did not sleep in the hours that were still left to her. She sat on the floor of her room, her face pressed to the bed, feeling nothing but the sense of his presence beyond the wall. At times, she felt as if he were before her, as if she were sitting at his feet. She spent her last night with him in this manner.
She left the valley as she had come, carrying away nothing that belonged to it. She left the few possessions she had acquired--her peasant skirt, a blouse, an apron, a few pieces of underwear--folded neatly in a drawer of the chest in her room. She looked at them for a moment, before she closed the drawer, thinking that if she came back, she would, perhaps, still find them there. She took nothing with her but the five-dollar gold piece and the band of tape still wound about her ribs.
The sun touched the peaks of the mountains, drawing a shining circle as a frontier of the valley--when she climbed aboard the plane. She leaned back in the seat beside him and looked at Galt's face bent over her, as it had been bent when she had opened her eyes on the first morning. Then she closed her eyes and felt his hands tying the blindfold across her face.
She heard the blast of the motor, not as sound, but as the shudder of an explosion inside her body; only it felt like a distant shudder, as if the person feeling it would have been hurt if she were not so far away.
She did not know when the wheels left the ground or when the plane crossed the circle of the peaks. She lay still, with the pounding beat of the motor as her only perception of space, as if she were carried inside a current of sound that rocked once in a while. The sound came from his engine, from the control of his hands on the wheel; she held onto that; the rest was to be endured, not resisted.