by Alisa Mullen
I figured it was probably Amanda, a fucking hot MILF that had been a fine distraction for about a year now. She gave the best head and some nights – that was all I needed to take the edge off and to stop from feeling so damn lonely. She was able to accommodate my schedule since she and her kids lived with her parents.
“And?” I flicked the ash again and breathed out a long plume of smoke.
I needed to quit. My dad had died of lung cancer and although life wasn’t a bunch of green meadows and fairies tickling my happiness, I didn’t want to go out like that. It was hard watching him cough up actual pieces of lung and beg for mercy. I cringed at the memory and stared at the cigarette. One tiny stick was also one big, fat, awful memory. Again, I pushed the memory to the edge of my mind and put my attention back on Todd. I was pushing everything out of my mind this morning because my mind was stuck on negativity and I was sick to death of it.
Todd shrugged. “I said, ‘No visitors before noon’ and slammed the door in her face.” His quirked up lip told me he enjoyed telling her that as much as he enjoyed recounting the memory.
I started coughing and laughing at the same time, doubling over. I wish I could have seen the look on Amanda’s face. Todd was the man of the moment. He certainly loved the ladies but he wasn’t always tactful or overtly gracious to them. Sometimes his quick witted and sassy demeanor caught me off guard and that made me appreciate him more. There was more to Todd but he kept his life tight to the vest. He certainly didn’t play and say about the women he banged. He was just a cool shit to hang with over a PlayStation game and a beer.
I didn’t introduce him to friends and Lizzie only knew of him as “the latest roommate.” I suppose I had been through a few roommates since she came back in my life all those years ago.
He finished pouring two cups from the fresh pot of coffee, handed one to me, and quirked his pierced lip up again. The guy was considered hot to the women. If I was otherwise engaged in my room, they probably begged him for a little play instead. He and I never talked about such things.
“Sorry to cock block you, dude. I was in no fucking mood for people at that hour this morning,” he said as he walked out of the kitchen. I smiled at his retreating back and flicked the rest of my cigarette in the pan of water in the sink, took my coffee to my room, and started to mentally prepare myself for Lizzie.
I wasn’t in any fucking mood for people today either.
This party was going to blow chunks. I did not want to play nice with people. These people that Nick and Lizzie invited were cool. I did consider most of them friends because I toured with their respective bands, Love Sick Ponies and Desired Pitch. They weren’t the type of close friends who really knew Sean Ford and all he did in his daily life. I was beginning to think that I was “a given” on Lizzie and Nick’s invite list which left me feeling uneasy about their parties. I was obviously going out of obligation, too – so I guess I couldn’t say much about it. I would have cut off my left testicle that moment to cancel. So I did the next best thing. I called all my old school boys in Boston and made plans for beers later in the evening. It would be the great escape plan.
A few hours later, I was standing in the elevator heading up to the famous Sawyer penthouse with my CVS greeting card in hand. Lizzie’s wide, gorgeous smile and that blazing red hair greeted me as I stepped into the elevator foyer.
“Seany Boy Ford, you are a sight for sore eyes,” she laughed as she pulled me into her arms.
I smelled her hair and hugged her back. I don’t know how long it had been since I had seen her last. Maybe a month? Yet, when I held her in my arms, I felt like I was hanging onto home. No one in this room, including Lizzie herself, understood what this hug meant to me and to my sad, deflated ego. I could never tell a soul. I could never explain my deep love for this woman to anyone.
Sometimes I did dream. One day or just once – for the sake of my dwindling heart – our embrace would find recognition and we would shine into a spotlight of truth. My hug would miraculously display what she meant to me for so long and she could understand my intentions without reservation.
In the middle of my minds’ ramblings, Niall walked by us with a can of soda in his hand. I muttered a quick hello to him. When his eyes found mine he smirked at me. Kids were so fucking intuitive. The kid knew – he had to. By now he was probably thinking that I was a dumb ass for holding out hope for so long.
“Missed you, friend,” I murmured in her ear. I pulled back after my allotted ten second count. I noticed Nick eyeing me or should I say eying the placement of my hands. He had every right to. The guy wasn’t a dumb ass like me and he was extremely confident to know that she was his. He knew all men gravitated to Lizzie. She was her own force of nature.
I did have one leg up on all those other ass hats. Lizzie thought of me as someone so special that she made extra time and displays of affection for me. Nick was just as baffled as I was when it came to where that line was drawn.
“What are the kids up to during this rager?” I bit my lower lip in an effort not to get worked up. It wasn’t like I sported a boner when she was around – well, not anymore. My dream of Sean and Lizzie as a couple was way beyond sexual. My heart was full of her at the moment and it was the kids that could pull me back into friend zone reality. Lizzie was untouchable. I mentally bitch slapped myself again for not pouncing on a relationship with her during her pregnancy or right after Niall was born. I would have taken anything. I would have licked and sniffed up every scrap of whatever love she would have thrown at the ground.
“So that’s it? No shooting the shit with me? Just where are the kids?” She was pretending to be annoyed. I looked at her again and blinked - hard.
No. Lizzie was annoyed. Interesting. Normally, she was cool with me just being on the sidelines, in her line of vision – a security blanket guard of some kind.
Had I been a shitty friend to her during the process of trying to keep my wounded heart at bay? She did want to spend time with me but it was a double edged sword for me, and how could I explain that to her?
Really, this shit was getting old. She didn’t know that if I had to train my eyes on just her face, while she wore that fucking incredible, lavender, hippy dress with beads and beautiful love expressed in her being, I would drown.
This was why I made it a point to stay away. I followed her band on the road sometimes. I would always support and encourage the music and Conner’s legacy. She wasn’t a mother and a wife on stage. She was Lizzie. Fun, flirty, and free. This woman in front of me was two of the three. Free Lizzie was gone and that made me want to sob like a big baby. I had lost her long ago, yes – but it didn’t hurt any less every time I saw her and the life she was living without me.
“Aw, Liz. You know I adore you, but you were the one that said Niall was looking for me when you called on the phone begging me to get my ass to Boston. I want to see him, too. I have missed both you and the kids,” I volleyed her words back at her, knowing full well that I didn’t say that I missed Nick.
Lizzie scrunched up her freckled nose and pouted. That had alleviated her previous reaction some and my stomach tensed up at having to be on my game tonight. I was getting weird vibes from her and the energy between us was different.
“Fine,” she sighed loudly.
Nick came up next to Lizzie, threw his arm around her shoulder, and held out his hand. Previous noticed uneasy energy went back to a normal balance. Nick Sawyer comes in to save the day – yet again.
“Nice to see you, Sean. Last time was in Vegas, right?” Nick was a good guy – I guess. He did care about her and by proxy – me. He made sure I always had a full ride to every show that Lizzie wanted me to attend. He referred people to me for ink and he looked at Lizzie the way I would if I were allowed.
I shook his hand and grinned broadly. “Yep. Vegas.”
That was all I had to say and the three of us were laughing so hard my stomach started to ache. Lizzie held up her hands.
“
All I am saying is that I did not put the fire rocket up that donkey’s ass.” She made a twirling motion with her index finger and then rolled her eyes. I remembered something about that moment but to be honest, the Las Vegas trip was a blur, as they should always be.
“Sure you didn’t, baby,” Nick kissed her head as he continued to laugh. “Ten thousand dollars later...”
I sputtered on my saliva. Ten grand? Jesus, the guy had piles of cash and didn’t think twice about throwing that number out there. Crazy thing is he wasn’t trying to impress anyone. It was just the way he was. Perhaps it was his elite upbringing, but he almost thought of it as a joke. A joke that Lizzie and I had talked about before and concluded we would never attempt to understand the wealthy. Except now Lizzie was a part of the wealthy. I looked at her again and instantly knew she had gotten her purple, hippy dress at a thrift store. It was not posh classified.
“That…that was something,” I smiled as I crossed my arms across my chest. Whether I was talking about her good, old humble roots or the fact that she had managed to take the stage at an animal themed, burlesque revue show on the Strip, I wasn’t sure. Both Nick and Lizzie looked over and gave me shit eating grins. I was missing something but I didn’t care. I knew that even in my absolute drunken state, my feelings for Lizzie were so deep down locked up that even alcohol wouldn’t make me spill my guts. I probably dropped my pants, paraded around in my briefs, and called myself the tattoo king.
Whatever. It wouldn’t be the last time.
It was clearly time to say hello to Niall and get the fuck out of this freaking anniversary party celebration hell.
Chapter Two
Sean
I clapped Nick on the back as I made my way towards Niall’s room. The door was closed – no doubt so that either Sammy couldn’t bother him or so he didn’t have to listen to his mother drink a little too much wine and start to talk rather loudly about shit he didn’t want or need to know about. I knocked once and opened the door.
Lit up green eyes smiled at me as I walked in the room and I gave Niall a little wave as I shut the door behind me. He was bent over his desk, eye to eye with a block looking video game. The kid had every game system ever made and he chose to kill his eyes staring in front of a Mac.
“What game is that?” I asked as I fist bumped his shoulder.
“Minecraft,” he answered with a bored tone. I guess I should have known that but what the hell? This kid was growing up so fast. I didn’t know what the latest thing that caught his eye was. I tried to keep up with the trending games and movies, but I was a classics kind of guy. Nothing beat a good ol’ Atari, Big League Chew, and can of Moxie when I was Niall’s age. I moved my eyes around his room.
PlayStation, Wii, Xbox. They were all choice systems, for sure.
My eyes landed on a fucking beautiful Fender guitar. This was what I was talking about. It looked like it hadn’t been played much. It was mint. I went over, picked it up, and sat down on his bed to strum a few chords – trying not to cramp his space while he played his computer game.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Niall twist around in his seat to watch me play. I continued to strum the chords to the classic song “Butterfly Girl” – the version that his Uncle Conner had written, not the ridiculous version that Nick proposed to Lizzie with.
Suddenly, the door to Niall’s room opened with a flourish. Snapping my head up from the guitar at the sound of the door, I found I was staring at the greenest eyes I had ever seen. She looked around the room quickly.
“I am sorry. I thought the toilet was in here,” her voice was raspy, almost rushed, and it was colored with a gorgeous Irish accent. I noticed Niall sit up straighter in his chair. Was he already thinking about girls?
Fuck. My. Universe.
The kid was twelve, I would give him that. Puberty had to be settling right on in, but for him and I to have the same exact reaction to a woman freaked me out a little – okay, it was a million shades of just plain wrong.
“It is two doors down,” Niall smoothly answered in a very adult and calm voice. I looked at him and then back at green eyes to notice that they were both red in the face and somewhat blotchy with embarrassment. She didn’t say anything back at Niall. She only nodded once and backed quickly out of the doorway, turning right down the hall. Niall and I both stared at the open door. He was probably thinking the same thing I was – “Please come back.”
Minutes passed as we both intently tried to listen for anything from the hall. I heard a door shut and let out the breath I had been holding. Damn, how did I miss that chick out there? Oh that’s right – my head was so far up Lizzie’s ass that I had tunnel vision. I composed myself and turned back to Niall.
“So, how is school?” I began to strum again and tried not to think about our very intriguing and arousing interruption.
“School is lame. Hey, that song you were just playing…was that Uncle Conner’s song?” Niall asked with a sincere look on his face.
“Yeah, buddy, it was. Damn, some days I think it is the best song I have ever heard just because he wrote it,” I answered as I looked down at my fingers as they picked at the strings.
“Mom says that I have natural talent because I am an O’Malley. Maybe one day, I will get up on the stage and play, too,” he said. His eyes searched mine. He didn’t believe his mom. I didn’t blame him. Twelve year old kids were typically on the verge of despising everything that came out of their parents’ mouths. In this case, Lizzie was right. He needed to know that he had the chance.
I handed the guitar over to him. “Play me something,” I said adamantly.
Niall took the guitar from my hands and as I watched him situate himself and fumble with the strap, I caught a glimpse of the way Conner used to move. Was it possible that without ever really knowing someone, you could imitate their body movements? Are they inherited, ingrained in their makeup and personality? It was surreal. If Niall was just a few more years older, he would be the spitting image of Conner.
That scared the shit out of me and my heart started to roar into an up-tempo of beats. If anything ever happened to this kid, I would go ballistic. I don’t think I would survive it. I stood up and went to Niall. As he looked up from the guitar, I grabbed it from his hands and pulled him up to his feet and looked him straight in the eyes.
“I know we aren’t related,” I said to him as I put my hands on his shoulders. The kid was almost as tall as I am. “If anything ever happened to you, Niall, I would lose a piece of my soul. Please, please always be safe and if you ever need anyone to talk to – someone who isn’t your parents, come talk to me. Promise you’ll talk to me.”
At first, the poor kid has no idea what I was trying to say until he looked down at the guitar that was leaning up against his desk. His eyes widened and he swallowed hard.
“Mom doesn’t talk about him very much, Sean,” Niall said as he shifted his weight on his feet.
I shook my head. “The details aren’t important, man. The thing is, we lost him in a blink of an eye and it fucking sucked pavement. Please don’t make stupid or quick decisions. Think before you jump into crazy situations. Call me anytime…any hour - because I am here for you – no matter what you tell me. You got me?” I glared into his eyes and tried to make my point about how much I loved him with my look rather than with my words. God damn, I loved that kid.
Niall threw his arms around my waist and buried his head into my shoulder. I could tell that he was missing me. Missing something. I threw my arms around him and continued to tell him how much I cared about him, how much I wanted to be there for him, and mostly that I loved him more than anyone I knew. I didn’t mention that his mother was tied for first place because that was a moot point.
We hugged for an appropriate man hug amount of time and as he backed up, he quickly swiped his eyes. He had been crying. Why?
“Buddy, what’s wrong?” I asked as I picked up the guitar and placed it back into his hands.
“I jus
t wish that I remembered him. I also wish that I knew who my real dad was, you know?” He muttered and then looked up to me with a sheepish and nonchalant shrug.
“Believe me when I tell you that Conner would have loved you. I mean, really fucking loved you. And your father? It’s that guy out there,” I stated firmly as I pointed towards the party. “That guy is your real dad. He fell in love with you just as much as he fell in love with your mother. You were a package deal. One he couldn’t live without.”
That was about the time that I almost started crying. I had just lied to the kid. I honestly didn’t know if Nick fell in love with Niall right from the get-go. I just assumed that he took them as a package deal because Lizzie was too hard to let go. Nevertheless, Niall has never gone without. He had grandparents – not related by blood – that adored him and took him on extravagant trips just because he wanted to go somewhere. Niall was the favorite of the family. He was the one that everyone called “special.”
Of course, here I was - buying right into it - advising him that his family loved him hard and he was blessed for it. Hell, I had no idea what his history had done to his emotional upbringing but I wouldn’t be the one that made him question his purpose in life. That shit was rough on kids from broken families. I knew about it and too well.
“You don’t really want to be at this party, do you?” He laughed out as he slapped my arm.
“Is it that obvious?” I muttered as I took another stroll around his ridiculous room. When I was twelve, I was lucky if I got a piece of paper and a pen to draw on. I chuckled inwardly at that memory.
“Dude, why do you come to these parties then?” Niall asked.
“I will always come to see you, Niall. Always,” I answered as I winked at him. “Be a good kid. I am going to do one more round and then I am heading out. See you soon, okay?”
Niall smiled, nodded, and went back to strumming his guitar. I watched him for a few more minutes in awe. He was really a guy now. Not a kid. I suddenly felt really old. With a little more practice, he was on his way to music school. It was also nice to see that I got him to play the guitar rather than get sucked back in by that mind fucked game on the Mac.