by Violet Shaw
An icy coldness prevailed, and Jason chatted only with Vanessa.
“And how was your evening?” he wanted to know. “What did you eat?” and, “Did you meet any nice bankers?”
He acted as if he was really interested.
Valerie was so annoyed with him that she would have rather left right then and there. But it was now two in the morning and she was in a strange city. She had to postpone her departure until the next day. Who did he think he was?
They arrived at the car, and Jason sat in the back while Valerie sat in the passenger’s seat next to her friend.
“Wow, what a nice car you have!”
Great, now he was trying to slither into her friend’s good graces!
Valerie was still hopping mad and on edge. Everything, even the smallest word, could have brought on an explosion. She hated him profoundly. When they arrived in front of the house, Valerie and Vanessa said good-bye with great affection. They hugged much longer than was necessary and kissed one another on the cheek. Valerie would have preferred to stay with her girlfriend, but she had to spend the night with the monster!
“Great, give each other a big hug!” Jason was becoming a little impatient with the exaggerated good-bye scene, and he was jealous of the intimacy Valerie had developed with her friend.
At the front entrance, Valerie waited for Jason to unlock the door, but he reminded her:
“You have the key!”
Oh, yes, right. She had completely forgotten, although she had felt it in her pants’ pocket the whole evening, and had been so proud to have the key to his apartment.
Once inside, Valerie went out on the terrace; she had to take a deep breath – he was becoming a little too much for her!
Jason came out on the terrace after her:
“Oh, there you are!” he interrupted her thoughts; “I’ve been looking all over the apartment for you! Are you enjoying the beautiful view from here?”
Apparently he was in a conciliatory mood again, and she didn’t have any desire to sulk any longer either. She was only going to be here one more night, and she didn’t want to ruin it.
“Yes, you really have a beautiful view,” she tried sounding a little more pleasant.
“Come, let’s go inside, or you’ll catch cold; I’ll mix us a drink!”
After he had made the drinks, they sat down on the couch together.
Chill-out music was playing in the background.
Slowly, Valerie began to relax again. She now realized that she had overreacted before at the club.
“So tell me, how was your evening?” he asked her.
“Good. Dinner was super and so was everything else; the atmosphere at the club was good, too. How did your evening go? How was the ball?”
“Oh, that was nothing, totally boring; I wish I hadn’t gone; it wasn’t worth it!”
“Why did you go, actually?” she wanted to know.
“Well, it was half private and half business-related, and it wasn’t worth the 600 Franks for the ticket. I would have rather spent the evening with you!”
Inspired by his last sentence, Valerie took Jason’s hand.
He seemed to have been waiting for that, and returned her soft squeeze. He enveloped her hand with his other one and stroked it softly.
They sat there for a while, enjoying their togetherness.
Now fully relaxed, Valerie laid her head on Jason’s chest. Suddenly, as if hit by a stroke, she realized that she wanted him --very much, in fact.
Seemingly reading her thoughts, Jason said out of the blue:
“You know, I want to make some changes in my life. I want to make everything better and less chaotic, and then we can live a lovely life!”
Hearing his words, Valerie was almost speechless.
“Yes, that seems like a good plan; it makes me very happy!”
They looked at one another very seriously.
Jason reached for her head, which still lay on his chest, and they kissed ardently.
Did you just fake an orgasm for me?” Jason’s voice sounded confrontational; he was holding her by the shoulders as if he wanted to shake the truth out of her.
His face was directly in front of hers. He looked at her intensely, as if he were trying to look into her innermost being and thereby learn the truth.
Valerie, however, left his question unanswered.
She was still exhausted and not fully present after the feeling of ecstasy that she had just experienced. She bestowed a satisfied smile on him and dreamily looked into his eyes.
He nonetheless seemed somewhat insecure and was apparently not as completely convinced of his sexual skills as he pretended, although sex with him was fantastic.
He had screwed her everywhere in the apartment and didn’t let up, moving from the couch to the white carpet, to the parquet floor, to the kitchen table.
He seemed to be in his element during sex, liberated from everything, and ready to give himself fully to his passions.
That’s why his question seemed groundless as far as she was concerned, especially since they both had come at once. Finally, for the first time in her life, she believed that she had fully reached sexual climax.
Finally liberated, and having good sex with a man whom she longed for and vice-versa.
She found him to be incredibly desirable.
For her, he was the epitome of sexiness. There was no one more so.
Never before had she felt so drawn to a man; dangerously drawn.
He was surrounded by an aura of secretiveness, something opaque and unreachable. She felt an incredible mixture of fascination and fear at the same time.
He was infinitely fiery and passionate; Valerie had never experienced anything like it.
It seemed that he could move her from nothing to a state of the greatest ecstasy; never before had she felt anything like this with any man.
It was as if she were in a trance and performing a dance on a volcano. Pure passion.
With him, she lost all self-control and powers of reason.
She felt as if she were flying and as if she were hovering above everything. She felt elevated, detached from everything, especially from the everyday world.
Only he could give her that special thrill, that feeling of absolute freedom.
They lay quietly next to each other on the parquet floor, still exhausted from the intensity of their passion and its overpowering, rapturous effect.
“I’m going to toss the condom, it’s full,” Jason said in the stillness. Valerie continued to lie there to rest a bit and to enjoy the happy, liberating after-sex feeling.
As always, Jason was more dynamic than she, jumping up immediately after sex or hurrying to the shower.
He never seemed to have a moment to stand still, or even to pause.
Shortly thereafter, he returned.
She was still lying on the floor, almost naked. Her breasts were covered with her black lace top, since in the course of mounting passion, there was no time to remove it before.
Jason, too, was still naked, and hadn’t put on any clothes, which wasn’t unusual. He mostly wandered through the penthouse before and after sex in the nude.
The fact that his apartment’s large, open window wall invited the observation of various conservative Swiss neighbors seemed neither to interest nor disturb him.
Jason lay down on the floor next to her again.
She snuggled her body against his.
They were quiet and enjoyed the after-sex feeling, when one finally had to do or say nothing.
Everything was peaceful, relieved in and of itself, and set free.
He was stretched out next to her and had wrapped his left arm around her torso. He looked straight ahead, not in her direction.
It always puzzled her that he wasn’t in a good mood immediately after sex, as enchantment and release floated throughout the apartment, as she had experienced with other sex partners before.
No, Jason was completely different.
He also forbade himself to display any expression of euphoria after sex.
Instead, he displayed his impenetrable Poker-face and acted as if he didn’t know whether his just-completed accomplishment was satisfactory – despite the fact that her cries of passion should have been sufficient to convince him.
His elation set in a few hours after sex – usually the next morning. Then he seemed to be bursting with energy and euphoria. He prepared breakfast, which they ate together, babbled without stopping, and swung the frying pan with the eggs-sunny-side-up in every direction as he spoke.
She enjoyed sitting with him at the breakfast table every time as if it were the first time, reveling in the good cheer that hailed down on her. These moments were rare; rare moments of shared happiness.
Her luggage was packed and waiting at the door to the apartment as Jason approached and said to Valerie:
“Am I too slow for you today? Don’t worry, Sweetie, I’m almost ready!”
They giggled like two teenagers newly in love. Valerie was boundlessly happy and sad at the same time.
Boundlessly happy, on the one hand, because she was very much in love with Jason, which she had to admit to herself after she had slept with him, and unhappy because the time of her departure and their good-byes was drawing near after the weekend that they had spent together.
Soon they would be separated by 250 miles, and she didn’t really want to leave Zurich and Jason.
“Did you really pack everything, Valerie? Well, in case you forgot something, it doesn’t much matter, since you’ll certainly be coming back soon, won’t you?”
“Well, yes, maybe . . .!” she teased him.
Valerie laughed in assent, and they quickly kissed one another on the lips. Smiling at each other blissfully, Jason picked up Valerie’s Louis Vuitton Weekender with his left hand and grasped Valerie’s hand with his right. Holding hands, they headed toward the car.
It was a glorious day in October, almost too warm to be real. In competition with Valerie’s heart, the sun was shining radiantly. It had to be around 70 degrees, unusually mild and beautiful for an October day.
They were driving to see Valerie’s friend, Vanessa. She had called that morning since she hadn’t found any friends in Zurich besides Valerie and Jason thus far, and therefore was feeling quite lonely.
Everything was peaceful between them during the drive to Vanessa’s. Valerie enjoyed not having to say anything for once and to be able to view sleepy Zurich on a Sunday morning.
Finally she felt calm and satisfied, after the weekend had begun with so much agitation and turbulence. But now everything was fine between them.
Jason was the first to break the silence.
“So, what’s the plan? When will we actually see each other again?”
Valerie gave him a smile and looked at him provocatively. So, he wanted to see her again and apparently quite soon. But before she could answer, Jason had already become covertly insecure. According to his measuring stick, her answer had been too long in coming.
“What? Who knows?” Embarrassed, he chuckled to himself.
“No, that’s not what I mean!”
Now it was Valerie who was visibly annoyed. She had only intended to tease him a little, letting him dangle a bit, but it was certainly not her intention to rebuff him.
No, that was absolutely not the case! He was nonetheless far more sensitive and easier to offend than she had thought.
“So, will you be coming to Frankfurt any time soon?” she interjected; at the same time, she reached for his right hand.
“Nothing is planned, but I can arrange something without a problem, possibly as soon as next week!”
“Yes, that would be great; I’m already looking forward to it!”
He continued to hold her hand during the rest of the ride. Fortunately, the car had automatic transmission.
“Look at the gorgeous view!” With his head he gestured in the direction of the right car window, where they had a fantastic panorama of Lake Zurich in front of them. It was absolutely unique, too beautiful to be real, almost like on a kitschy post-card.
They had barely arrived in front of her friend’s house when Vanessa came storming out in a complete dither while Jason and Valerie casually stepped out of the car:
“Valerie, there you are! Did you sleep well?
Vanessa looked at her quizzically, but Valerie’s beaming expression spared Vanessa a variety of additional question. Her radiance said it all.
My goodness, Vanessa could really be indiscreet now and then. Sleep! They screwed almost half the night away!
What other questions were on the tip of Vanessa’s tongue? Next she might ask how the sex was!
But Vanessa had just begun to focus on her story, and continued right then and there:
“Valerie, my grandfather just called; I think he’s completely senile!”
Valerie and Jason exchanged short glances, and couldn’t hold back. Both burst out laughing.
The situation was too grotesque. They were just coming off an exciting weekend of sex, and sweet little Vanessa was busy with her grandfather. Fortunately, she joined in the burst of laughter and was not offended. “And so what will it be, Ladies – where would you like to go?” They still had a little time to kill before the plane left for Frankfurt.
“How about the Sea Rose?” I only heard of it yesterday.” Valerie looked questioningly at Jason.
“Good idea, let’s go there!” It would probably be best if we drove separately. You can go with Vanessa and I’ll lead the way. Then we’ll be able to get to the airport faster later!”
Valerie looked at Jason askance, and he immediately noticed her irritation.
“I’m going with you, don’t worry! I’ll be there!” He gave her a reassuring kiss on the lips.
Valerie gave him an appeasing smile right away; he already had her under his control.
In the car on the way to the lake, Vanessa wanted to know everything; she was infinitely curious.
“So, how was it with you two last night? If you don’t want to tell me, Sweetie, it’s okay; your blissful expression speaks for itself!”
Valerie laughed aloud, and Vanessa continued:
“Oh, yes, you two turtledoves! And you wanted to stay with me last night!”
“Yes, thank you for discouraging me from doing that; it would have been a big mistake!”
“Oh, then the sex was that good?” Vanessa wouldn’t let up; she really did want to know all the details.
“Yes, it was good. Very good, in fact!”
“Oh, Sweetie, I’m so happy for you! And now you don’t even want to leave, right?”
“Yes, indeed, saying good-bye is going to be very hard for me! I think I miss Jason already!”
They arrived at the lake, and the beach club, Sea Rose, exceeded all their expectations. It was a great location: beautiful people, white sofas to chill-out on, and a dock-side bar.
It was the absolute place-to-be on a Sunday afternoon -- the meeting place for Zurich’s upper class, as Valerie immediately recognized.
Jason’s childhood ended far too soon.
When he was exactly six years old, he was on his own from one day to the next and without his parents. He had to learn to take care of himself and lost all belief and trust in other people.
He was traumatized for decades, without really admitting it to himself.
His trust in other people was completely destroyed and no longer existed at all.
He didn’t give anybody an inch, and other people couldn’t trust him.
In addition, he was completely unreliable. He usually didn’t keep appointments that he made, mostly because of a fear of getting involved with others and having to develop serious relationships. Everything about him was superficial. His whole life, and he himself, were the epitome of superficiality.
To shield himself from the outside world, he wove a large web to protect himself; he avoided unmasking and showing his true self – simply stated:
he eschewed being authentic.
On the surface, he played the role of the grand, successful, reserved, and distant womanizer, who was extremely confident and sure of himself and for whom life was only a great, randy game.
“I, I am an investment banker and I’m untouchable!”
Everything – and at the same time, nothing -- was possible at any time. He invested a lot of effort in his self-presentation externally, which was his major capital. He depended on it and built his pseudo-relationships on it, playing games with other people.
His drop-dead sexy laugh was priceless, since he was able to lure other people with it, and could press them into service.
But what did he have to suffer to become such a person, such a monster?
And completely opposite to his erratic private life, he was more than competent in his job. He had been working for the same bank for more than six years; there they relied on him completely.
The basis for his reliability in his professional life was unclear.
Either he worked so much and so hard because he was simply greedy for money and success, or he was dependable because no personal relationships were necessary in pursuing his goals – at least not in the traditional sense.
Actually, he was a scaredy-cat, who disguised himself as antisocial because of his fear of exposure as anti-bourgeois, and also perhaps because of his fear of a potential emotionally fraught situation.
As long as he behaved this way, no one could demand anything of him, nothing that he couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to give.
In his job, he tended toward a punctiliousness; his engagement in his work actually suggested something of the bureaucratic. Often he went to the bank for a few hours on the weekend, on Saturdays and Sundays.
His childhood was the purest tragedy. He rarely spoke of it.
And when he did speak of it, he laughed to himself continuously – as if he could remove the tragic from those years and compensate for everything with his laugh.
They were lying entwined on the bed.
“Jason, tell me a little about Croatia!” Valerie urged him.
“What would you like to know?”
He was not at all suspicious for a change, seemingly completely relaxed, and didn’t try to unravel himself from their embrace.