by S. E. Rose
“That must have been scary.”
“It was.”
“And you didn’t panic?”
“Well, I didn’t have time to panic. I just reacted.”
“Tell me about it,” she says as she picks back up her pen. I give her the condensed version of the story. She nods as she takes notes but doesn’t interrupt me as I tell her everything that happened. When I finish, she puts her pen back down and looks at me for a long, silent moment.
“So, what’s next for you?” she asks.
I shrug. “I’m going to China for a few weeks with my boyfriend and then, I don’t know.”
“Well, it’s a start, Zoe. Just watch for anxiety triggers and take your meds with you in case you need them.”
I nod. “Thanks, Dr. Hannigan.”
“I’ll see you when you get back. Feel free to call before that and if you’re going to be more than two or three weeks, we should have a phone appointment, OK?”
“OK,” I say as I stand and leave her office. My fingers play with the little red car that I’ve kept in my pocket since Olivia’s funeral. Four more days and I leave for China. For the first time since I’ve been traveling, I feel like this trip is more about escaping my present than going on an adventure. Something about that seems wrong, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m taking with me whatever it is I’m trying to escape.
Chapter 23
Zoe’s Playlist: “Hands to Myself” by Selena Gomez
“You ready, princess?” Cody asks as I place my headphones back in my travel bag. He gives my hand a squeeze.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I mutter and follow him off the plane. Once we get through passport control, there’s a man waiting for us with a sign that has Cody’s name on it and I do a double take because it also has my name on it. I don’t know why that surprises me, but it does. The man introduces himself as Xu and explains that he will be our driver. Xu takes our bags and we follow him out to his car which is double-parked, but apparently in a section where this is allowed. He ushers us into a town car, and we are off to our hotel.
“Welcome to Nanjing,” he says once he is behind the wheel.
“Thanks, Xu,” Cody says and then in perfect Chinese, he says something else. Xu laughs and nods.
I give Cody a questioning look. “What was that?”
He smiles. “Just letting him know we are tired and would like the quickest route to our residence.”
“Our residence?”
“I rented us an apartment downtown. It’s a building with executive suites, so it has all the trimmings of a nice hotel, it’s just you stay in furnished apartments instead,” he explains. I can see him searching my eyes for understanding. He clears his throat and continues. “I stayed in a lot of hotels when I first started with the company. On one trip, an executive suggested I borrow his apartment. So, I did and after that, I’ve always rented a place rather than staying at a hotel, unless it’s just a quick few days of course, but anything longer than two weeks I stay in an apartment or house.”
I nod my understanding and look out my window. I snap a few photos as we drive by various parts of the city. It’s very modern, much more so than what I expected.
“Xu?” I ask. “Is there a historic part of the city?”
Xu excitedly launches into a history of Nanjing and how during WWII, the Japanese destroyed much of the city’s historical buildings and massacred hundreds of thousands of people. He suggests a trip to the massacre museum and to the few remaining historic buildings. I nod enthusiastically.
“Xu, please see that Ms. Greene visits anywhere she wishes while I am working,” Cody says, not looking up from his cell phone.
“Yes, sir. Very good,” Xu answers and pulls up to a high-rise apartment building.
A doorman ushers us inside and places our bags on a rolling trolley, much like a hotel. The concierge gives us each an entry card and explains the building’s gyms, pool, sauna, party rooms, restaurant, and karaoke bar. I raise my eyebrows at the mention of a karaoke bar. Cody chuckles at my curiosity.
We enter the elevator, and I notice a guard standing in the hallway. He nods to us but otherwise doesn’t acknowledge us. Cody inserts his card and presses the last number.
“The penthouse again?” I ask.
He smiles. “I wanted you to be comfortable. We may be here a few weeks.”
I turn to him as we ascend to our apartment. “Cody, I don’t need fancy or lavish. I’m not that type of girl.”
“I didn’t say you were, princess,” he murmurs as he lightly kisses my lips. Then he leans in, so his breath tickles my ear and whispers, “Maybe Prince Charming just wanted to spoil his princess.”
I feel the goose bumps start to rise on my arms as he rubs his thumb over them. The apartment looks like Old World China met Modern China. There are all kinds of strange walls that are translucent, making the whole place look even brighter. My eyes widen at the sheer size of the apartment. It takes up the entire top floor. There are several balconies, one off each bedroom, and a giant one off the main living space. It’s beautiful. I go out onto one of the balconies and view all of Nanjing. We are a good twenty stories above ground level, but I still hear the distant lull of traffic below us. It’s smoggy, but not as smoggy as I had pictured in my head.
“So?” Cody asks as he comes to stand next to me, our elbows touching while we lean on the railing and look out at the city.
“It’s beautiful,” I say smiling. My mind flashes back to the last time I was in Asia. I was nine and my dad took Rob and me on a business trip to Japan. It’s the only place I’ve been in Asia until today. My dad had gotten a hotel room that overlooked Mt. Fuji, and I remember looking out at the mountain for hours, completely mesmerized by its beauty and majesty.
I feel Cody run a finger along my cheek. “What are you thinking about over there?”
I shake my head. “Just a trip I took with Dad, a very, very long time ago.”
“I thought this was your first time in China?”
“It is. That was a trip to Japan.”
“Oh?”
“It was one of the last business trips my dad took us on. After that…well, he had other people he would rather take than his family,” I add bitterly. I internally sigh. I know I should get over my past and all the hurt my dad inflicted when he left. Instead, I’ve bottled it up and let it fester for years. It’s not healthy, but at this point, I don’t know how to undo it.
“His mistress?” Cody prods.
I nod. “Sorry,” he says.
I shrug. “It was a very long time ago.”
“It sounds like you guys used to be close,” Cody pries.
“We were…once upon a time,” I answer, recalling the few happy years we had when I was very young. “Now, he views us as some sort of requirement, a required accessory. I only hear him talk about us at social events when he’s trying to show off to his friends about how well-adjusted we are or some shit like that. He’s never there when it matters.”
“He was there when you came home from the crash,” Cody says softly as he places his hand over mine and rubs the back of my hand with his thumb.
I roll my eyes. “Probably only because it made international news and he could use it as a pity vote for some fundraising bullshit or something like that.”
“Or maybe he loves you, just not in a way you can see,” Cody suggests.
I snort. “Right. Let’s drop the talk about my dad, please,” I reply as I feel my bitterness creep back to the surface.
“Alright, I just wondered if you might rekindle your relationship with him at some point.”
“Nope.” And with that, I turn and stroll back inside. I am not having this conversation with Cody and I am not having this conversation here. I swallow hard though, knowing deep down, I really do want my dad to love me like he did when I was a little girl. But I’m escaping my worries and cares, so I suppress those thoughts for now. I head straight to the bar in the main living space whic
h is conveniently stocked with an assortment of hard liquor. I do not pass go and I do not collect two hundred dollars. Instead, I pour myself a generous serving of scotch and toss it back. It burns going down. I’m not normally a scotch drinker. But right now, I feel like I need it.
“Scotch, eh?”
“Yes, scotch. You want one?”
“No, I’m good, princess,” Cody answers, giving me a quizzical look. I roll my eyes. Men, I think to myself.
Cody takes a seat across from me as though I’m his bartender. I set my glass down next to his hand, and he reaches for my hand.
“What’s going on inside that head of yours?” he asks, quirking his head to one side and gazing up at me.
“Shit that doesn’t need to be there,” I say and pull my hand back.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring up shit from your past.”
I sigh and come around the bar to sit next to him. “Listen. I know I have daddy issues, OK? I know it. I know that’s why I’ve been a so-called ‘wild child’ and why I don’t do relationships and why I’m always running away from commitment. I know I’m fucked up, up here,” I say pointing to my head. “And shit, that was before I survived a plane crash. Who the hell knows what emotional damage that did in the long run? But I also know I like you, a lot, and I want to see where this thing goes. And honestly, that scares the living hell out of me.” I pause looking at him with wide eyes. I’m pretty sure the scotch is my kryptonite or maybe my liquid courage, hard to say. I let out a big breath.
“Well, that is quite a bit of info you just downloaded there,” Cody says, and he pours another three fingers of scotch into the glass and downs it.
I look at him in shock. I just poured my fucking heart out to the bastard and that’s his response. I stand faster than I have in weeks, hell, months, and start to walk away when I’m suddenly whipped around. I lose my balance but am caught by Cody’s arms.
“You didn’t let me finish, princess,” he says harshly, his eyes burning through mine. He brings his face down to mine, so we are only an inch or two apart. “I had a bad breakup with a girl I thought was the one. We were young, but I loved her. And then I found out she was fucking half of my soccer teammates. I joined the military and watched two friends die in a roadside bombing. I left the military after that and went off to college. I promised myself I’d never feel like that again that I’d never let anyone get that close to me. That’s why I don’t have relationships,” he sighs. “It doesn’t help that I’m gone all the time. Hell, even though I’m gone less than I used to be, it doesn’t matter, even my fuck buddies got bored when I was gone. I’ve been a careless wanna-be playboy executive, who doesn’t give a shit about anything, including who he fucks next. So that’s my screwed-up world.”
He breathes heavily as he finishes and crashes his lips onto mine. I resist at first, but his death grip and his lips aren’t having it. Once I comply, he pulls back. “And just for the record, I fucking like you a lot too, and it scares the fuck out of me. But I’m not fucking backing down. I don’t know where this is going, but I’m staying on till the end of the goddamn ride.” And with that, he pulls me up, and I wrap my legs around his waist as he walks us toward a bedroom, where he shows me exactly what he means, but on a much more physical level.
We lie in bed afterward, both of us trying to catch our breath. Our bodies are tangled in the sheets; we’re both sprawled out on our backs, hands clasped. After a few minutes, I prop myself up on my elbows and look over at him.
“What the fuck was that?” I ask, trying to comprehend the incredibly fast and hard sex we just had.
He rolls onto his side and gazes down the length of my naked body. “That, darling, was amazing.”
I roll my eyes and fall back onto the mattress. “I think that was either make-up sex or a battle of the wills, but either way that was intense.”
He laughs and lazily runs a finger around my breast. “So how do you like China so far?”
I slap him playfully on the chest and get out of the bed. “I won’t know until you show it to me.” He saunters over to where I stand and rubs his hardening erection against my belly. “Show what to you?” He smirks.
I start to roll my eyes, but he takes my face in his hands and brings his mouth down to cover mine. I get lost again in his kiss. He’s too good at this form of distraction. His tongue languidly runs over my lips parting them and seeking entrance into the cavity of my mouth, and I willingly oblige. His kiss is deep and poignant. He’s seeking reassurance and claiming me as his all at the same time. I feel my body begin to go limp and his hands reach around and pull me up his body slowly. I wrap my legs around his waist, and we stand like this for a while, just kissing until the need becomes too much for me.
“Let’s shower,” I whisper in a husky low voice. “I’d like to see more of China in the shower.”
He laughs against my lips. “As you wish,” he murmurs against my lips as he quotes one of my favorite movies, The Princess Bride. He lets me slide back down his body, and then we walk hand in hand into the giant walk-in shower. What is it with this man and giant showers? Seriously? But he only gives me a moment to contemplate this before he’s worshipping my mouth again. My mind goes blank and I revel in his body, his touch. I love that he takes me to another place that’s far away from my thoughts. This is what I need.
He slowly bathes my body with his tongue until I’m crying out my need for him, and then he sits down on a stone bench and impales me on him, thrusting up into me again and again. I feel myself building toward my release. It’s a euphoria and my much-needed drug. I allow my mind to go blank as I begin to shake. His lips find mine and I cry out his name against them. Afterward, we stay locked in this position, our kisses more tender and slow. I trace the contours of his body, memorizing each and every line, and he does the same to me.
“You’re so beautiful, Zoe,” he whispers against my cheek. My heart thaws, just a fraction as his loving kisses make me whimper. My feelings for him scare the shit out of me, but at the same time, I want to box myself into this moment and never leave. I feel the battle raging inside of me, and I’m scared to find out which part of myself will win.
Chapter 24
Zoe’s Playlist: “Next to Me” by Civil Twilight
The next few days we settle into a pattern. Cody wakes me at 7:00 a.m. each morning and makes love to me. We shower and eat breakfast together. This is followed by Xu picking us up and dropping Cody off at the new offices he’s setting up for the company in Nanjing. The rest of my time is spent with Xu, who takes me touring.
I like Xu. He’s funny and quirky, and he knows a shit ton about his city. We see the major tourist attractions first, including the Sun Yat-sen Mausoleum with its ridiculous number of steps but breathtaking views, the Nanjing Massacre Memorial, which is amazingly well done and moving, the Linggu Temple, and parts of the old wall that had surrounded the city once upon a time. He takes me shopping at little market areas, and I find fun souvenirs for my family and friends. It’s pleasant, and I soon get lost in this interesting contradiction of a city with its new buildings and malls complete with Western stores and restaurants and its old relics and customs.
As I make my way through the mall near our apartment one day, I stop in front of a dress shop. There’s a cute dress in the window that I wonder if Cody would like on me or perhaps I would just like it. I smile and start to walk in when a man walking away from a café in the mall catches my eye. I turn and swear it’s Mohammed, but then he’s gone in the crowd. I shake my head and curse myself for being so silly. Mohammed is dead. I hesitate for a moment, contemplating running after the man to see if it could be him, but I force myself to walk into the store instead and buy the dress.
Our lives settle into a familiar pattern. Each evening, I wait for Cody, and we eat dinner together. We’ve eaten out most of this week, but I’m craving a night in with just us curling up and hanging out without having to get dressed up or go anywhere. I have Xu take me to
a market and he helps me buy things for a Chinese-style menu. Xu even teaches me how to cook, so that an amazing local cuisine dinner is ready when Xu brings Cody back home.
“Wow, this looks delicious,” Cody says as he takes me in his arms. I can feel that he is tense.
“You OK?” I ask, pulling back and looking into troubled eyes.
He rubs his face and runs his hands through his hair. “Yeah, we had a break-in at the new office last night. It was a long a day.”
I step out of his embrace. “What do you mean 'break-in'?”
He steps forward, pulling me back to him and looking at me very seriously. “I don’t think it’s connected. Some copper piping was taken, and the building is under construction, so we’re assuming it’s just a theft of construction stuff.” He pulls back and looks at me, tipping my chin up so he can see into my eyes. “It’s OK,” he adds as his eyes meet mine and see the worry in them.
I sigh. “If you say so.” I want to believe him, but something deep down questions this.
He pulls me toward the table. “Come on. You’ve gone through a lot of trouble, and I’m starving.”
He kisses my cheek and sits down. I try to push the uneasiness from the forefront of my mind, and after two bottles of wine, it gets a little easier. But later that night, I lie awake trying to connect the dots between everything that has happened over the past few months. It gnaws at me. Something is going on, and I feel as though I should be able to see it clearly. I feel as though I should be able to solve the mystery my shattered brain tells me is there.
The next day I decide it’s time to start exploring outside of Nanjing. I need more of a distraction from my thoughts. I decide I need some country air. Xu takes me to Zijin Mountain to do some hiking up to an observatory. It’s peaceful and a wonderful day. Xu has packed us a picnic lunch, and I learn about his family, even members killed in the massacre. He’s full of stories, and he is beginning to feel more like a favorite uncle than my tour guide. I decide to invite him and his wife over for dinner this week. He graciously accepts and thanks me profusely. He hands me pamphlets for a number of other nearby attractions. Laoshan National Forest Park seems like a great escape, and I decide this time, I want to go alone and enjoy some peace and tranquility on my own. I stuff the pamphlet in my pocket and remind myself to ask Xu about dropping me off there later this week or maybe early next week as there are some other attractions closer in the city that I have decided to explore first. After a peaceful day with Xu, I realize I’m calm for the first time in a long time. I haven’t been thinking about Olivia much during the past few days. And when I do, I’m able to smile instead of cry. I don’t feel as anxious as I have been feeling.