Jay nodded as though this explained everything.
‘What does your mum do?’ Mark asked.
‘She works in my dad’s company. She used to translate books into English from German, or vice versa, before the business took off.’ She paused a moment, then added, ‘she was happier when she was doing that.’
Now it was Mark’s turn to nod, and Sammie noticed that Jay’s attention had fallen to reading what was written on top of some of the boxes, and he had stopped on one that said Sammie’s trophies.
‘What’s in that one?’ he asked.
She knelt down to open it while Jay and Mark watched in silence. The box was taped shut and she had to pick at the end of the tape with her nail for a while before she could grab it and peel it away. The boys crouched down by her side as she started taking things out – medals, framed photographs, and the trophies. She laid them out on the floor and the boys obediently looked at them.
‘Most of them are for gymnastics,’ she explained, ‘and a few from dance competitions.’
‘Woah,’ Mark said, ‘there’s a lot. If one of my sisters had won these they wouldn’t be sitting in a box. They’d probably have been the first thing to get unpacked. My mum would have had them up on the mantelpiece and invited all the neighbours round to see them within about half an hour of moving in.’
He laughed and Sammie giggled, though she felt a bit sad. Her parents obviously had no interest in looking at them, otherwise wouldn’t they have done as Mark said – put them all up, and showed them off to people?
‘Will you still carry on with it?’ Jay asked, ‘now you’ve moved here?’
‘No,’ Sammie said, ‘I gave it all up ages ago.’
‘Why?’ Mark asked.
‘Couldn’t be arsed,’ she said.
She started putting everything away again, because she didn’t feel like looking at it. ‘You should have carried on,’ Jay said, ‘you could have been in the Olympics or something.’
Sammie laughed without much humour. ‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘maybe.’
‘How often did you have to practice?’
‘As often as I could. When my brother wasn’t in hospital.’
‘You have a brother?’ Mark asked, looking around the room as though her mysterious brother might suddenly jump out from behind the boxes.
‘Did have,’ Sammie said, ‘he’s dead now.’
The boys didn’t know what to say. ‘What did… what did he die of?’ Mark asked finally.
‘He had a rare genetic disorder. The doctors originally said he wouldn’t make it to his second birthday. But he made it for ten years.’
‘My dad’s dead,’ Jay said.
Sammie stopped putting the trophies away. ‘Oh,’ she said.
‘Yeah. He had cancer. It was really quick. It meant my mum had to come back and look after me again.’
‘What do you mean?’ Sammie asked.
‘She left,’ Jay said, ‘she fucked off when I was six. I think she’s still well pissed off that dad died and she had to come back and deal with me again.’
Sammie frowned down at the remaining pictures and trophies for a while. She wasn’t really sure what to say. Then the door opened.
‘Sammie,’ her mum said, ‘what are you doing in here? I told you to leave all this stuff alone—’ she stopped talking when she saw which box Sammie had opened. ‘You’re showing them those,’ she said.
‘Yeah.’
‘Oh… well. Okay.’ There was a strange expression on her mum’s face, and Sammie realised she’d forgotten that the trophies were in there. ‘Well… put them all away again when you’re done,’ she said, ‘I haven’t decided where we’re going to put them yet.’
She left the room again and Sammie thought – yeah, and you never will.
…
After that, Sammie continued the tour upstairs, where she showed Mark and Jay her dad’s study, and the room where her parents still kept some of Alfie’s stuff – not on display, but in boxes on the floor, as though he was away somewhere and they were waiting for him to come back and unpack his belongings himself. She showed them the family bathroom with its big claw-footed bath in front of the window, and then she made a bit of a mistake. She showed them her parents’ bedroom – not in detail, she just opened the door enough that they could peek inside, then she showed them one of the two guest bedrooms, where it was quite obvious somebody had recently slept.
‘Is someone staying with you?’ Mark asked.
‘N-No,’ Sammie said, ‘it’s…’ she struggled to think how to explain the fact that her parents didn’t always sleep in the same room. ‘My dad sometimes works until quite late,’ she said, clutching at straws, ‘and he sleeps in here so he doesn’t disturb my mum when he comes to bed.’
The two boys looked at each other, but she could see they hadn’t really grasped the significance, and soon they were distracted as she took them into her own bedroom, with its vast vaulted ceiling, massive king size bed, and a multitude of colourful rugs on polished wooden floorboards.
‘Fuck me,’ Jay exclaimed, and Mark mumbled something about how he shared a room with his brother.
‘This is awesome,’ Jay said, heading straight to the window, which looked out over the garden.
‘Yeah,’ Sammie mumbled.
‘Your garden goes right down to the woods, doesn’t it?’ Jay asked.
‘Mm.’
‘That’s one of the best bits of the woods,’ he said, ‘where we were hanging out the other day, near your garden. Hardly anyone else comes down there.’
‘I don’t like the woods,’ Sammie said, ‘they freak me out.’
‘Really?’ Jay said, ‘how come?’
‘I can hear animals at night,’ she said, ‘they come up into our garden. It’s kind of weird.’
Jay watched her for a moment, and then he grinned. ‘You know what you need,’ he said, ‘you need someone else in that massive bed with you. Stop you getting frightened.’
They chatted a while longer, then Mark had to go home because it was his sister’s birthday. It turned out he had quite a few siblings – three sisters and a brother – and he was the middle child, with his brother and one sister older than him, and the other two sisters younger. Sammie showed him out, while Jay stayed upstairs in her bedroom.
‘You know he likes you,’ Mark said as Sammie opened the front door for him.
Sammie felt her cheeks go a little pink. ‘He told you that?’
‘Yeah,’ Mark said.
Sammie smiled and Mark watched her closely. ‘You should… you should be careful,’ he said.
‘Why?’
‘He won’t treat you very well.’
‘What do you mean?’ she asked.
Mark pulled his hand through his hair and looked over his shoulder at the drive, anxious to be away. ‘I mean…’ he said, ‘I just mean… he doesn’t care about you.’
‘I wouldn’t expect him to, yet,’ Sammie said, ‘he’s only just met me.’
At this, words seemed to fail Mark, and he gave up on the conversation with the excuse that he needed to get going. But Sammie stayed in the doorway for a while, staring after him, wondering what on earth he’d really been trying to say to her.
Felicity
8
I continued to hold off on making any commitment to either Jay, or his revenge plan for some time longer. Occasionally what he was proposing almost made a crazy kind of sense, but then I’d think about what was involved, and the way he so casually asked me to do it, and my mind would be set against it.
It was the most unlikely thing that made me reconsider; a meeting with my best friend Leanne, who had long been Jay’s biggest critic.
I met up with her on a Saturday night, on a weekend when three other friends from our schooldays – Grace, Hannah and Becky, were back in Coalton visiting their families. We met in Leanne's flat – a small, cosy place on the lower ground floor of a big old Victorian house, where light from the already inadequate w
indows was blocked out by billowing red, purple and pink voiles, turning whole rooms the colour of Leanne’s own resplendent hair. I never quite got used to the way the pavement was above our heads, preferring the airiness of mine and Jay’s modern top floor flat, but it was perfect for Leanne and her daughter Kayleigh. The whole place felt like some sort of magical, fairy grotto. Everyone else was already there by the time I arrived, and we sat around drinking cheap rosé wine from plastic wineglasses in the living-cum-dining-cum-play room on a sagging sofa and a couple of bean bags.
My friends were all full of positive news about jobs, holidays and boyfriends, and to start with most of the conversation centred around Grace's plans for her wedding to her childhood sweetheart, and what we’d do for her hen party. I began to feel like one big elephant in the room as I considered the mess of my own life, and right on cue Leanne turned and said, ‘so, how’s your flatmates-who-fuck thing going with Jay?’
Becky, Hannah and Grace all snorted with laugher and I glanced at Leanne – sitting on the arm of the sofa she looked majestic, like a queen looking down on her subjects – and she was dressed in her usual esoteric manner; jeans and a purple corset, with a string of big, black beads looped around her neck.
‘Actually, I’ve kind of got an announcement to make about that,’ I said.
Leanne opened her mouth in an expression of comical horror. ‘Oh my God, you’re not pregnant, are you?’ she asked, and then pealed with laughter.
‘No,’ I said, ‘but you don’t have to sound so horrified by the idea.’ I averted my eyes from hers for a moment and mumbled the rest staring down at the floor. ‘We’re thinking about making a go of things.’
Leanne drew in her breath. She hadn’t expected that. The others in the room were forgotten as she fixed her eyes on me, and reluctantly I met them with my own.
‘Really?’ she said, ‘you and him, an actual couple?’
‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘what’s so wrong with that?’
Leanne looked around the room, as though she was struggling with where to start.
‘Didn’t you say before that you’d never want anything serious with Jay?’ Grace asked me. ‘You said you weren’t sure you could ever trust him.’
I sighed. Already I felt under attack. All of them were looking at me now and I knew that I would continue to get the third degree about Jay until I somehow nipped it in the bud. I tried to give a satisfying explanation, but what came out sounded rather limp. ‘Things change,’ I told them.
‘Jay doesn’t change though,’ Leanne said, ‘seriously, Fliss. I mean, fair enough even I probably wouldn’t kick him out of bed, but when it comes down to it, the guy’s a dick.’
I stared at her, outraged, then I got up and went out to the kitchen. Leanne followed me, but the others stayed in the lounge, where I could already hear laughter again.
‘Is it too much to ask for you to be happy for me?’ I asked Leanne.
‘No – but, Fliss, not with him.’
She pulled herself up onto the kitchen worktop, and sat watching me. ‘I’m not trying to upset you,’ she said.
‘Oh right. By calling Jay names.’
She laughed. ‘Okay, look, you know what I’m like, Fliss. I have no filter. But it’s coming from a good place. Listen to me. It’s not just the string of other girls, it’s him. There’s something not right about him, Felicity, you must be able to see that—’
I shook my head. ‘He’s had a hard life, he was on the—’
‘—streets,’ she finished my sentence. ‘Yes, I know. You’ve told me enough times. And why did he end up homeless? You don’t really know, do you? The temper on him I’m not surprised he fell out with his family. Aside from you no one else would ever be crazy enough to take him on, and talking about getting serious with him—’
I glared at her, and then I picked up my glass of wine and dumped it in the sink.
‘I’m going home,’ I said.
‘Fliss,’ she said, ‘come on, don’t be like that.’
I started towards the door, and angry tears stung at my eyes. I heard Leanne jump down from the worktop and I let her take my arm.
‘Oh, Fliss,’ she said, giving my arm a little squeeze. ‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’
She steered me over to the tiny kitchen table in the corner and gave me a fresh glass of wine.
‘Flissie,’ she said, ‘how long have we known each other?’
‘Forever,’ I said.
‘Then listen to me. I know you, and I’m telling you you’ve changed.’
‘Wouldn’t you have done?’
‘What happened to your parents was the worst thing,’ she said, ‘and none of us can blame you for losing the plot for a while. But men like Jay…’ she paused for a moment. I could see that being tactful was proving a challenge for her. ‘You met Jay so soon after it all happened,’ she said, ‘and I’m sure he was a great distraction. The thing is… he uses you.’
‘No he doesn’t.’
‘He does. He goes back to you when he’s bored with whoever his latest fling is. You’re just… I don’t like to say this, but you’re easy for him Felicity. He doesn’t have to put any effort in, you’re always just there.’
I put my head in my hands. ‘I’m not stupid,’ I said.
Leanne reached out and touched my hand briefly. ‘I know that,’ she said. She paused for a while. ‘You know what one of the worst things is for me, when I look at you now?’
‘What?’
‘You don’t make jewellery anymore.’
‘I try to,’ I said, ‘but my heart’s not in it. It has nothing to do with him.’
‘Doesn’t it?’
I thought about it. Jay had never encouraged me to carry on trying to do it, but he certainly never stopped me. What I did in my spare time wasn’t really much to do with him, just like all his time at the gym and out running wasn’t much to do with me.
‘Fliss,’ Leanne said, ‘I’m not trying to upset you. But surely you can see that a random guy you met one week after you lost both your parents might not be the best person for you long term. You weren’t thinking straight—’
‘And you still think I’m not?’ I snapped, ‘I am able to make decisions myself. I don’t need you to tell me what to do.’
‘Fine,’ Leanne said harshly, ‘you do what you want. But I don’t think you’ve ever even grieved properly, have you?’
I didn’t answer and she carried on. ‘And I think that Jay realises that and that he knows exactly what he’s doing. Fliss, he’s a nasty piece of work. He saw straight away that you’re vulnerable and he’s using it to do whatever the hell he wants—’
‘How dare you?’ I said suddenly. ‘How dare you talk to me like that? I am not vulnerable and I’m no pushover.’
‘Then why are you contemplating getting with a man who treats you like shit?’
I stood up. ‘I really am going,’ I said.
‘Okay, Fliss,’ Leanne said, ‘walk out as soon as I start saying something you don’t want to hear.’
I spun to face her. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You are better than him.’
‘What?’ I said, ‘what the hell does that even mean? You don’t know him.’
I left the room and Leanne called after me, ‘the Felicity I used to know had some self-respect!’
…
When I got home Jay was surprised to see me back so early.
‘What’s going on?’ he asked, ‘I thought you were going to be at Leanne’s all evening.’
‘Change of plan.’
He must have been able to hear in my voice that something had happened. ‘She’s been talking about me again, hasn’t she?’ he said.
‘Can we arrange for me to meet him?’ I asked abruptly.
Jay frowned, and then his eyes widened as he understood.
Sammie
9
With Mark out of the way, Sammie’s heart began to flutter as she made her way back t
o Jay. She glanced quickly into the kitchen, where her mum was still hunched over the report she was reading, and then she ran up the stairs two at a time.
Jay turned as she came in the door, and she couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him sitting there, silhouetted against the bright light from her bedroom window. She closed the door behind her very gently until it shut with a soft click, and then joined him on the bed.
‘I was thinking,’ Jay said, ‘if your parents are so rich, how come you’re not in a private school?’
Sammie moved a little closer to him on the bed, and although he didn’t react, she saw in his face that he understood something was going to happen between them, and that he was excited.
‘Are you glad that I’m not?’ she asked him.
‘Yeah,’ he said.
They kissed for a long time, the sun streaming through the window warming their bodies, nothing but the sound of their breathing and, for Sammie, a kind of roaring in her ears. When they broke apart Jay smiled at her, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand like it was no big deal.
‘You didn’t answer me,’ he said.
‘What?’
‘About the school.’
‘Oh,’ Sammie said, and she paused to consider her explanation. ‘My parents haven’t always had so much money,’ she told him, ‘it was only when my dad’s company took off, about five years ago. They thought about putting me in private school but I wanted to stay with all my friends. Then my brother got really bad and after he died they weren’t really interested in any of it anymore.’
Also, she thought to herself, around the same time they stopped being interested was when her “staying with friends” argument stopped being true. After Alfie died somehow all her friends had drifted off. She couldn’t remember quite how it had happened. It had been gradual, she supposed, like sand through an hourglass – they hadn’t all turned against her, but the friendships had just eroded away, until one day she’d realised she actually didn’t have any friends, not anymore.
‘So,’ Jay said, ‘are your parents all weird about your brother now? Do they freak out if you talk about him?’
Anything for Him Page 4