To mum and dad,
I’ve left home because I think I will be happier away from here. If you care about me, please let me live my life the way I want to without trying to find me.
Sammie.
She barely slept that night. She text Jay, who said that he couldn’t sleep either, but that he would take care of everything from now on, so she mustn’t worry. She fell into an exhausted doze around dawn, only to wake up again when her mum left for work. She got up and made herself breakfast, then she had a quick shower and dressed. There was still a while to go before she needed to leave to meet Jay, and she wasn’t sure what to do with herself, so she lay on her bed, her hands on her stomach – on the baby.
When there was a knock on the door, she assumed it would be Jay. She rushed downstairs to answer it, but to her surprise it was Mark, and she noticed that he had a cut on his nose, like someone had hit him. She realised immediately it must have been Jay, and she tried to shut the door in his face but he put his foot in the way.
‘You pleased with yourself?’ he said.
‘What?’
‘Getting Jay to come round yesterday and do this to me.’
‘I didn’t ask him to,’ Sammie said, ‘and I want you to leave.’
‘Jay told me what you’re planning to do today,’ he said.
Sammie was surprised Jay had told him, but she tried not to let it show.
‘It’s got nothing to do with you, Mark. There’s nothing you can do to stop us, just leave us alone.’
Mark gave the door a shove, and before she knew it he was inside.
‘This is what you want, is it?’ he asked, ‘to have a baby when you’re sixteen, and have everyone looking at you and talking about you?’
‘Lots of girls have babies when they’re my age.’
‘Yeah,’ Mark said, ‘and what do you think people call them?’
‘I don’t care what people call me.’
‘Fine,’ Mark said, ‘and what about what Jay did to you in the woods? You know that the next time you make him angry he’ll do it again, and again, and again.’
‘He won’t.’
‘Really? So he’s never done anything like that any other time? He’s never hurt you before?’
Sammie hesitated as she remembered Jay smashing her head into the tiles in her bathroom for no reason other than a bad mood.
‘He doesn’t mean to,’ she said, ‘he loves me.’
Mark watched her for a while. ‘You really are going to leave with him?’ he said.
‘Yes.’
He nodded slowly. ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘if you want to spend the rest of your life getting beaten up then that’s up to you.’
‘Can you leave now,’ Sammie said, ‘if you’ve said what you came here to say?’
‘No,’ Mark said, ‘I’m not done yet. I knew you’d have your heart set on leaving. And I’ll let you. But first you have to do one thing for me.’
…
Sammie laughed, though nervously. ‘What do you mean, you’ll “let” me?’ she said, ‘how the hell are you going to stop me?’
‘I’ll call your parents.’
Sammie was silent for a while. ‘You wouldn’t,’ she said. ‘And… you don’t even have their numbers.’
‘I do,’ he said, ‘my mum has your mum’s mobile number, and anyone can get hold of the number for your dad’s company. I’ll call Jay’s mum as well. I’ll say I just found out what you’ve planned, and I’m worried about you. And I’ll tell them you’re pregnant, too.’
Sammie made her way over to the dining table and sat down. She felt faint, and her head was pounding again. ‘No,’ she said, ‘you can’t do this to me, Mark. I have to go away with him. I can’t tell my parents what has happened, I need… I need to go.’
‘I’m not just going to let you leave with him Sammie.’
Sammie slammed her hand against the table. ‘What do you want?’ she said. ‘Tell me. What do you want from me?’
Mark looked at her meaningfully and after a few seconds Sammie understood. ‘No,’ she said, ‘no. Not that. Are you being serious? Are you seriously asking me to… to fuck you?’
‘No,’ he snapped, ‘you think I want to do that with you?’
‘What… what do you want, then?’
Mark stepped closer to her and whispered in her ear.
‘No,’ she said, ‘I’m not doing that either. I’m not having any kind of sex with you, Mark, and you can’t ask me to! What’s wrong with you? Do you… do you really think— ’
‘I thought you wanted to be with Jay,’ Mark said, ‘I thought you wanted your baby to have a dad.’
Sammie stood up. ‘I’m going to call Jay,’ she said, ‘when he finds out what you’re asking me to do—’
Mark caught her arm. ‘Fine,’ he said, ‘call him if you want. But I’ll still call your parents and his mum, and they’ll stop you leaving. It won’t achieve anything.’
‘Jay’ll kill you.’
‘Jay’s mad with me anyway. It makes no difference.’
‘Mark, I’m not—’
‘It’s simple, Sammie. If you want to go and be with Jay, then you’ll do what I’m asking, and I’ll never bother you again. He never has to find out what you did.’
Sammie stared at Mark for a moment, and she realised he really was serious. She waited in the hope he would change his mind, then, reluctantly, she made her way towards the door out to the hallway and Mark stood up to follow her.
35
Mark seemed nervous as she led him upstairs to her bedroom, and at one point she caught sight of his hands, which were trembling, but she didn’t comment on it.
Once they were in her room, he sat on the end of her bed and looked at her expectantly. ‘Mark,’ she said, with quiet desperation, ‘please don’t make me do this. I’m sorry if you’ve felt shut out since I came here, and I know you’re angry with me, but I never meant to take Jay away from you.’
‘I didn’t come upstairs with you to talk,’ he said.
Sammie sat down beside him, ‘no,’ she said, ‘I know you didn’t. Mark, listen to me. I know… I mean, I’m sure you feel like you want to start doing… sex things as soon as you can. Especially… especially with Jay going on about what me and him have done together. But don’t you want it to be with someone special? Don’t you want it to be with somebody who wants to be with you, not someone who… who has to?’
‘It’s my choice,’ Mark said, ‘and I’m choosing to do this with you now, like this.’
‘Mark—’
‘Take… take your clothes off, Sammie.’
He was shaking so badly now that Sammie reached out and touched his hand. Even though she hated him, part of her was beginning to pity him. Perhaps all the awful things he’d said to her after she told him she was pregnant really were just ignorance. If he really didn’t know much about sex, or if his parents had given him strange information, perhaps it wasn’t entirely his fault. ‘I’m not going to do it,’ she said, ‘you know that. Just… let me and Jay go. Don’t try to stop us.’
‘Do what I asked, Sammie.’
‘No.’
To her surprise, Mark took his phone out and called a number, and she heard someone answer at the other end. ‘I’d like to speak to Mrs Kilburn,’ Mark said, ‘it’s about her son, Jay.’
‘No!’ Sammie said. She grabbed the phone out of his hand and ended the call. ‘You can’t do this! You can’t—’
‘Then make it so I don’t have to.’
‘Mark, I… I’m pregnant—’
‘Sammie, just do what I asked.’
Sammie waited a little while in case he changed his mind, but he clearly wasn’t going to. Slowly, she took hold of the hem of her t-shirt and lifted it over her head. Mark wasn’t really even looking at her, but she carried on with the instructions he’d given her in the kitchen, taking off the rest of her clothes until she stood in front of him naked. She thought at one point she saw his eyes flick over her bump, but h
e said nothing about it.
‘Do you… do you want to stay sitting like that?’ Sammie asked him, ‘or you can lie down on the bed if—’
‘I’m fine like this.’
Sammie nodded and knelt down in front of him while he undid his jeans. She settled herself between his thighs and looked up at him one more time in the hope he’d change his mind, but he ignored her.
‘Mark,’ she said, ‘please—’
Gently, he placed his hand on the back of her head and pushed it into his lap.
Sammie kept her eyes closed as much as possible. In a way it was easy enough to do the thing Mark wanted – she’d done it for Jay so many times, and if she closed her eyes she could pretend she was just doing it for him again. The couple of times she did look up Mark didn’t seem happy, or excited, and she began to worry how long it was going to go on for if he wasn’t even enjoying it. At one stage he reached down and touched her bare back and Sammie shivered, but she soon realised that wasn’t the only thing he was doing. He’d touched her back to distract her, what he had really been doing was taking his phone from his jeans pocket, and she understood when she looked up, when she saw him holding the phone and realised she’d been tricked.
She stood up and immediately tried to grab the phone from his hand. ‘No!’ she said, ‘what have you done? Mark—’
He managed to keep it out of her reach for a few more seconds, and then he simply handed it to her. Sammie looked at the image of herself on the screen. He’d caught her just as she started looking up, her eyes beginning to widen in shock, but there was no mistaking what her mouth was in the middle of doing. Then the phone popped up with the information that a message had been successfully sent. To Jay.
‘No!’ Sammie screamed. She threw the phone at Mark and then hit him, but he scrambled out of her way while fumbling to do his jeans back up. ‘What have you done?’ she said again, ‘what have you done?’
Felicity
36
The next couple of weeks as I waited for Grace’s wedding were hell. Jay insisted that I quit my job so I did, and spent my days with him in the van as he went round doing his deliveries. He watched my every movement. He expected us to continue trying for a baby, and not wanting to arouse suspicion I went along with it, and hoped my pills were well enough hidden that he wouldn’t stumble across them and realise my deception. I went to see Mark a couple more times because Jay still wanted me to continue the plan, and he would wait outside – far enough away from the flat that Mark wouldn’t spot him but close enough that I had to behave. I knew he was scared I’d make a run for it.
Mark told me very little about what he was planning for us, except that to say he thought he could get a transfer to a different office, and that everything was in hand. I trusted him – or at least I had little choice but to trust him – and said I would somehow get away from “Jason” when I got back from Grace’s wedding, so he should be packed and ready to leave by then.
…
I couldn’t bring myself to put much care into my appearance for the wedding. I wore a plain pale grey dress, only the lightest makeup and ran a comb through my hair and nothing more. At the last minute I grabbed a fuchsia pink scarf to place around my shoulders and give at least a small nod to what was supposed to be a happy day.
The hotel where Grace had her wedding was lovely. Not too flashy or grand, but stylish, with sweeping lawns all around. Through the ceremony Jay sat by my side completely unmoved, while the sight of Grace in her simple ivory dress looking so obviously happy threw the mess of my life into stark contrast. I knew I wouldn’t be able to see any of my friends again. Once I was gone, I’d be gone.
I was still thinking about this as we all spilled outside onto the lawn, and when Jay and I were offered glasses of champagne I took one without thinking twice, only for Jay to snatch it out of my hand. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ he hissed at me.
‘What?’ I said, genuinely not understanding.
‘We’re trying for a baby. What’s wrong with you?’
He said it quietly enough that nobody could hear his words, but people had certainly seen us. A little way away Leanne and my other friends were watching from their circle. I’d barely spoken a word to them since we arrived. I understood that somehow I had made myself unwelcome. They’d put up with me for the hen party but communications from my friends had completely dried up since, and now I was on the outside.
‘Sorry, Jay,’ I mumbled. ‘I forgot.’
He put my glass of champagne down on a table and found me an orange juice instead. I felt it made it obvious to everybody that I was either pregnant or trying to be and I realised that was probably partly what he intended.
The day passed uneventfully up until after we’d finished eating, in the early evening. There was a little bit of spare time where people were milling around and chatting, and having had several drinks Jay had struck up a conversation with some of the other guests, but he kept stealing glances at me. I saw all of my friends sat on some sofas the other side of the bar and I tried to summon up the courage to talk to them. I bought myself a rum and coke, thinking that appearance-wise at least it could pass for a soft drink, and I was about to make my way over to Leanne and the others when Jay appeared at my side.
‘What is that?’ he asked, clearly meaning my drink.
I tried to ignore him, but at that second it seemed my friends thought of something better to do, and without having noticed that I was trying to come and see them, they stood up en masse and disappeared outside. I turned to Jay. ‘It’s just a coke,’ I said.
He took it out of my hand and had a sip himself.
‘There’s alcohol in that,’ he said. He slammed it down on the bar, and I looked around but nobody seemed to have noticed. ‘Do you think I’m stupid or something?’ he asked me quietly.
‘No,’ I said.
‘Then why are you drinking?’
I couldn’t answer, and he took hold of my hand, gripping it very hard. I walked with him out of the bar and up the stairs to our hotel room, where he slammed the door behind me.
‘I’ll ask you again. Why are you drinking?’ he said slowly.
‘Because it’s my friend’s wedding,’ I said, ‘I just wanted to enjoy myself—’
‘By getting pissed when you might be pregnant?’ he shouted at me, ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’
‘It was just one drink—’
He grabbed me and shook me. ‘What kind of attitude is that?’ he said.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘but I don’t think I’m pregnant yet, I’m sure it’s okay—’
Jay looked at me for a very, very long time.
‘Where are they?’ he asked eventually.
‘What?’
‘Your pills!’ he said, ‘your fucking pills. You’re still taking them, aren’t you?’
‘You threw them away,’ I said, ‘I don’t have any—’
‘You’re lying,’ he said, ‘I can see it in your face.’
He went to my overnight bag and started pulling things out of it, throwing my clothes and toiletries all over the floor.
‘Jay!’ I said, ‘I don’t have any pills!’ Subconsciously, I clutched my handbag close to me, and he noticed immediately, snatching it from my hand and emptying it out onto the bed. Without hesitation he picked up the painkiller box that my pills were hidden inside.
‘They’re painkillers,’ I said, ‘I’ve been getting headaches—’
He opened the box and pulled out a sheet of contraceptive pills. ‘They label painkillers with days of the week now, do they?’ he said.
‘Jay—’
Before I could get away he grabbed me and pushed me face first onto the bed. ‘You lying fucking bitch,’ he hissed into my ear. ‘You let me think we were trying for a baby.’
‘I’m sorry!’ I cried, but he pushed my face into the duvet, muffling my voice and making it hard for me to breathe. With the hand that wasn’t on the back of my head he lifted my dress an
d I made a little squealing noise in my throat.
‘Jay,’ I cried into the duvet with what little breath I had, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Shut up!’
‘I didn’t feel… ready… to have—’
‘I said shut up!’ Jay said.
He let go of me briefly and I heard him undoing his trousers, so I tried to scramble away from him, but before I could get anywhere I was pressed against the bed again with both his hands around my throat. He squeezed harder and harder, until with terror I realised I couldn’t draw breath and he was choking me. I tried to reach behind me to stop him but I couldn’t seem to hurt him enough to make him release his grip. I felt him lean down close to me, his lips by my ear, and the words somehow got through to me while I clawed at his arms uselessly with my nails. ‘Let me do it,’ he said. ‘Let me do it, and I won’t hurt you.’
He still had his hands round my neck making it impossible for me to speak, so the only way I could show I agreed was to try to open my legs. The weight of his body was on me and he didn’t realise straight away what I was doing, but finally he understood and let go of my throat, and I lay gasping against the duvet. I was still struggling for air as he pulled my knickers down over my thighs, and somewhere downstairs in the hotel I thought I heard music begin to play. Grace and her new husband were having their first dance.
37
Before we rejoined the party Jay looped my pink scarf around my neck to hide the marks he’d made and used his thumb to wipe a little stray makeup from under my eyes.
‘You look beautiful, Fliss,’ he said.
I smoothed down my dress with trembling fingers, and he took one of my hands in his. ‘I love you,’ he said.
I didn’t answer and he continued to wait, his eyes fixed on the side of my face. I knew what he wanted me to say. ‘I love you too,’ I mumbled.
Downstairs we discovered a room next to the bar had been opened up for dancing. I wanted to sit down because my legs felt weak, but Jay insisted that we dance and held me pressed up against him, arms firmly around my waist. In the dim light and chaotic surroundings it was easy enough to close my eyes and let the odd tear spill out. After a few minutes Jay decided he wanted to kiss me and I went along with it, not even protesting when he decided to tastelessly leave one of his hands resting on my bum. It was getting late and most of the guests were drunk, but I hated the thought of how we’d look – how I was just letting Jay have his hands all over me like that. I told him I wanted to go for a wee but he followed me to the toilets and waited just outside the door.
Anything for Him Page 16