“Let me love you,” he insisted, his fingers finding the hem of the soft pink sweater that had bewitched him earlier. “It’s dark. There’s no one around but us, and no one can see us this far back from the road. Everyone’s eating dinner or cleaning up after it or out doing something for the night or settling into bed. Let me have you, Sam. Let me make you feel good again.”
She nodded, kissing her way down his neck and back up to his ear, nibbling at the place she knew would drive him crazy.
“Hurry,” she whispered.
He sat up, chuckling. “I’ll remind you that you said that.”
She settled against him perfectly, balancing in his lap, and raised her arms high while he peeled away the material that was in his way.
“You’re supposed to be playing hard to get,” he reminded her, burying his nose in the cleavage created by her powder pink bra.
“Maybe I want to get gotten,” she said against his neck. She kissed her way down his throat. Her fingers unbuttoned his dress shirt.
The husky timber of her voice, the need in it, stopped him. He framed her face with his hands. She lifted her gaze until she was looking at him, looking into him, there with him while they both tried to catch their breath.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “For everything. For not fighting for this sooner. I let it slip away. I let us slip away. The closeness. The talking we used to do, and the dreams we had. The family we wanted, and knowing that no matter what, we could tackle anything together.”
Sam bowed her head, the lightness that had been shimmering in her expression dulling.
“I wish…” she started to say.
“Don’t!” His anger was for himself alone. “Don’t you apologize, damn it, because I’ve been phoning it in, thinking I’m some kind of big-shot hero for doing all the heavy lifting since we moved here. When it’s been you who’s learned what you needed to and fought your way back. And now I’m…”
“Lost,” she finished for him. “I know. I think we all are still. Maybe Cade most of all.”
Brian kissed her with all the tenderness inside him, in no rush now, wanting to savor her all night if she’d let him. “But we won’t let him stay lost. You won’t. And I won’t be in your way anymore. I’ll do everything I can to help you and Cade both, and Joshua. I’m listening to whatever you think will help us, even if I don’t want to hear it. No more holding back or avoiding difficult conversations or bad days or even breakdowns, if someone needs to have them. Even me. We can get through all of that, as long as we’re really together from now on.”
He realized he was holding his breath, as if he were waiting for something magical to happen. And then it was there—the sly, confident smile spreading across Sam’s face as she reached behind her and worked the clasp of her bra, letting its straps ease down her arms in a slow arc. She went to work on his buttons again, her lips curling higher when she reached the waist of his pants and unfastened his belt.
“Tell me,” she said, finding him beneath the material of his pants and underwear and reminding him what true torture felt like, “what are you hearing me say now?”
He kissed her, loving her sass and every other thing about her and the night deepening around them and the fresh start they were reaching for.
“That you’re willing to take a chance with me again,” he said. “I swear I’ll be there for you from now on. All the way. Wherever we need to go, this time we’ll be there together…”
Hope bloomed in every touch they shared. Trust. Acceptance. Forgiveness. She released him from his boxers, loving him with her delicate fingers. He made fast work of her jeans and rolled her beneath him. He was moving to cover her with his body when she stiffened in his arms, her palms plastered against his chest.
He bit back his denial and waited, watching her, knowing what was coming and wishing to God there were something he could do to make this moment easier.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he encouraged her. “Go ahead and say it. Whatever it is, it will be okay.”
She stared up at him.
The hated word he couldn’t seem to banish from his vocabulary echoed around them, but this time he was hoping she understood that anything, everything, would be okay between them from now on, no matter what.
“I can’t…” She shook her head. “I don’t want you to think that…”
“That this means you’re coming home?” He settled against her, humbled by the rightness of having her in his arms again. “I know. I know you’re not ready. And maybe I’m not, either. Cade for sure doesn’t need more tension around him now. That’s not what tonight is about, Sam. I swear. This is just about us. About now. I need you. I think you need me, too. Let me be there for you, at least in this. Let me love you and show you how good we can still be together.”
She nodded.
“There’s just one more thing,” she said, arching into him until they were one, husband and wife, perfect together the way they always would be. Then she stilled, holding him tight inside her, her gaze filled with the trust he thought he might never earn back. “It might be taking on too much, but I’ve asked Kristen to help me do something for Cade, and maybe for Nate. I need… I’m going to need your help talking with the Turners.”
“Help with what?” He was losing track of what they were saying. Of anything but the perfect feel of being with her, whole again.
“I want to start teaching, Brian.”
“Teaching?”
After all this time.
“I can help our son and his friend deal with the school part of their problems, at least,” she said, her excitement thrilling and terrifying him.
What if she was taking on too much? What if Cade didn’t respond and disappointed her? She’d been through so much already, and today alone had exhausted her.
Brian made himself stop worrying, stop rushing to protect her, and curled his wife closer. If teaching again was what she thought was best for her and Cade, then that’s what they’d do.
“You’re amazing.” He kissed her soft mouth, sinking deeper into her body. “My crusader…”
He’d dreamed so many times of the sound of her sighs as he loved her. The feel of her shuddering beneath his hands and his mouth. He laid Sam back on the soft grass. Shadows and gentle, spring night sounds caressed them as he lost himself in their need for each other.
It was stronger than ever, this drive to be one, to never be apart. Her lips claimed his as she grew demanding, her tongue teasing and soothing. His hands molded her against his body. His hips moved faster. He couldn’t get enough of her arching into him, her desperation feeding his own need.
This was his home.
Sam was where he belonged.
Nothing could break the raw honesty of this bond they’d found only with each other. Nothing would make him consider giving up, not when it came to bringing her all the way back to their family. And nothing would ever again tempt him to distance any part of himself from the honest connection she’d always gifted him, each time he saw love in her eyes.
They pushed each other closer to the pinnacle, moving in an ageless rhythm that was both the same and infinitely different after months of being apart. And just as they were about to fall, he watched his wife’s gaze grow brighter as it locked onto his the second before she shattered around him, clinging to him, calling his name and saying the words he knew would hurtle him over his own edge.
“I love you… Brian, I love you so much…”
DAY THREE
Chapter Fifteen
April 12, 2013
As spring slipped closer to summer in North Georgia, morning light became a swirl of pinks and yellows amidst an indigo dream. The last few minutes before the sun warmed the sky could produce the kind of magic that night only dreamed of being.
Sam headed out at six o’clock for her walk, finding the temperature chilly enough for her to need a jacket over her sweat suit. But in the breeze curling its way along Mimosa Lane, there was already a whisper of th
e pleasant day to come. Or could it be the smile of the man waiting at the end of the Davises’ driveway that was making everything still sleepy inside her instantly alert, more alive, at just the sight of him?
“Hey,” she said to her husband.
Surprise thrilled through her body. It was Friday, and they hadn’t had more than a few moments alone together since the first of the week, when Brian had escorted her back to Julia and Walter’s after they’d made love in the park.
“Can I take my girl for another walk?” He held out his hand, and the soft, muted colors in the sky became even brighter, closer, bursting into an answering smile that spread across Sam’s face.
She glanced behind him at their house.
“The boys are fine,” Brian said. “I just checked on them. They’re sound asleep. I left a note in the kitchen, and Joshie doesn’t have to be up for school for another hour. I’m still having to roll Cade out of bed so he’s ready to work with you once the bus leaves, but we have some time. Come walk with me before you dive into breakfast and trying to cajole our firstborn out of his funk.”
Brian had become an instant champion of her and Kristen’s mission to make sure Cade and Nate finished sixth grade with their class. James Turner, unfortunately, had still been fuming after the school board meeting, when Sam and Brian had approached him and Beverly about Nate homeschooling with their son.
Beverly could keep helping Nate if their tutor wasn’t a good fit, James had insisted Tuesday morning. They knew that the bruises on Nate’s face were from a fight with Cade. Were Sam and Brian crazy, thinking that anything good would come from throwing their families together even more? Then the man had slammed his front door in their faces.
Sam took Brian’s hand now. They walked out of the cul-de-sac, the feeling easy and simple, as if they did this sort of thing every morning. Maybe they were a little crazy, not yet living together again when they were feeling closer to each other now with each passing day.
“I know you’re worried,” he said. “I am, too. But Cade will come around. If anyone can get through to him, you can.”
“You could…” She couldn’t say it. She hadn’t found a way to say it yesterday, either, or any other day since she’d started teaching their son.
Even though he’d taken a leave from his job at W&M, Brian still headed out in the mornings once she and Cade were settled in for the day. Brian and his briefcase simply disappeared to somewhere, and her curiosity to know where was killing her.
“Maybe I could stay and help?” He shook his head. “I talk with Cade in the afternoons when I come home. And I’m doing a better job listening to our kids at night, just being there in the evenings while Joshua plays and Cade reads or whatever, or the three of us watch a movie. This good cop/bad cop thing we’re doing is working.”
“No, it’s not. Cade’s hardly working at all. He’s still hurting, and he’s not talking about what’s bothering him, not enough, no matter what I try.”
“He’s sleeping better now than he did the first part of the week. And he ate dinner with me and Joshie last night, instead of getting up with his plate still full, and snacking later, the way he has the last few days. He’s relaxing again. Dr. Mueller said to give him a little more time, but to stay firm about needing to get his missing assignments done and turned in. I don’t want him to think you and I are ganging up on him about his schoolwork. Try again today. I have a good feeling about it.”
She peered at her husband out of the corner of her eye. Brian had been to see a therapist that week, too—later in the day Wednesday after they’d taken Cade for his session with Dr. Mueller. Brian hadn’t been ready to talk about what he’d discussed with his own doctor, the same as their son was once more keeping his feelings to himself. And Sam had given them both their space, trusting that they’d share what they could when they were ready. But something must be working for her husband. He seemed lighter. More relaxed…
And she felt nervous around him now, the way she had when they’d first started going out in Manhattan and had been discovering new things about each other every day. There was… mystery between them again, not just the pain of the last few months, or the confusion and desperation of the last twelve years. There was the promise of a brighter future, even if she couldn’t yet see it clearly.
I swear I’ll be there for you from now on, he’d promised. All the way. Wherever we need to go, this time we’ll be there together…
She wanted to ask him about his plans with W&M, and about what he was thinking about the two of them. But he was no longer pushing her for things when she wasn’t ready. He deserved the same consideration from her.
Damn it.
They’d reached the bend in the road that would take them to the playground. She touched his arm and slowed. They stopped beneath a street lamp that glowed amidst one of the prettiest maple trees in Chandlerville. In the fall, its leaves turned a brilliant gold, making this same spot at night something an animator might paint into a fairy tale. Above them, bright leaves would be backlit by the street lamp. Below, a carpet of yellow would encircle their feet.
Brian looked up at the newly sprouted green overhead, then at Sam.
“So,” he said, smiling. “This is as far as we go?”
“Today,” she whispered, thinking again about Monday night and how perfect those moments in his arms had been. “This is as far as we go today.”
“That sounds promising.” He bent his head and placed a chaste peck on her nose.
“I…” She wanted to say something to reassure both of them that even though it had only been a few days, she was even more confident than she’d been on Monday that their marriage was going to survive all that they’d been through. “I think I want to start working in the yard again… Is that okay?”
He pulled her into a hug, cupping her head to his shoulder. “You feel so good in my arms. You know I’d do anything to keep you close for as long as I can have you. But…”
“I shouldn’t have asked. I’ve been over almost all day, every day, and you’ve been more than reasonable about me staying the night at Julia’s still.”
He didn’t know that she was maybe staying at the Davis place now more for her friend’s sake than she was for herself. Julia and Walter were barely speaking since their blowup Monday. Walter wasn’t drinking at home any longer, but he looked worse and worse by the day. Julia was beside herself with worry.
“It’s not fair of me,” Sam said, “to ask for even more time at the house without moving back home completely. I honestly haven’t even thought about the garden before this morning, so—”
“You can ask me for anything you want.” He sounded angry, but his touch as he pushed her away was as gentle as ever. “Don’t apologize. I just… I wish you’d leave the garden alone for a while. Focus on Cade while you’re there. I know you like to be outside. I’ll walk with you anytime you want, every morning and night from now on if that will help us sort things out. But leave the yard be, okay?”
Was he still afraid of losing her? Of her disappearing again? She’d hidden in her gardens for years, finding comfort and nurturing there instead of with him and their boys.
“Okay,” she promised. For emphasis, she pushed onto her toes and kissed him.
It went straight to her head, how the gentle caress expanded so quickly inside her into full-on need and desire and memories from a time when feeling this way each time they touched had been simple and easy. Brian seemed lost to it just as completely, his hands framing her face, his strong body trembling against hers. Their kiss ended, but neither of them pulled away. They stayed beneath that fairy-tale tree, gazing into each other’s eyes, their foreheads touching, for what seemed like hours.
Lacing his fingers with hers, Brian steered her back toward the cul-de-sac. If felt as if they were returning from a date, instead of a quick stroll around the neighborhood. The sun peeked over the very tops of the trees lining the backyards of the houses on their right, sparkling and cheery and s
howing off, welcoming them home.
“Thank you.” She leaned her head against her husband’s shoulder and closed her eyes.
“For walking with you?”
“For bringing me here. To Chandlerville.” He’d sacrificed everything he’d built in New York to make this life possible. “This is where we were meant to be. These are our friends and where we’re supposed to raise our family. Mimosa Lane is where I needed to heal, and somehow you knew that. Even with the shooting at Chandler and the world coming unglued around us again, I can’t imagine being anywhere else but here. Thank you.”
They were back at Julia’s. Brian winked, and then he let her go. He fished his keys from the pocket of the dress slacks he’d worn along with an oxford shirt that he’d left unbuttoned at the collar. No tie today. No briefcase. He looked like a sexy banker on holiday.
Where was he going?
She was dying to know.
“Have fun mixing up something outlandish for breakfast,” he said. “What kind of muffins will it be this morning, I wonder? Banana and kiwi? Orange and peanut butter?”
“I’m making French toast.” She slapped at his shoulder. “Why don’t you…”
When he came back each afternoon now, just as she was finishing trying to work with Cade, right before Joshua was due home on the bus, she always asked whether he’d like to join them for breakfast the next day. He shook his head now, just as he had all week.
“Your time with the boys is special to them,” he said. “Cade’s still not completely on board with all of this. Dr. Mueller said structure will be important for him. I don’t want to meddle with things until he’s in a better place.”
“You’re right.” Brian was being so slow and cautious with their new start, while she was the one feeling reckless. “We need to figure our relationship out and be sure, before we risk confusing the boys even more than we have.”
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