by Joanna Blake
But I'd always thought about her, and wondered. Maybe it was her voice when she sang in the church choir on Sundays. Maybe it was those huge dark blue eyes of hers. I'd catch her looking at me once in a while. And it was like she could see right through me.
I'd been too busy getting rowdy and partying back then. But I'd noticed her alright. All the guys had. She was off limits though, too young and too protected. No one ever even got close. I just knew a perfect little girl like her would never give me the time of day.
So I'd stayed away.
It was a couple years after I graduated that we had our moment. And what a moment it was. I was already a fireman. We were raising money for the widow's fund. Unfortunately, losing your brothers was part of the job, especially the guys who'd been there when the towers fell. Whether it was on the job, or the 9/11 sickness, taking care of their families afterwards was a privilege and an honor.
This time they were auctioning us off as dates for charity. The bidding on me went up and up until some lucky lady won me for exactly three hundred dolllars and sixty-seven cents. I waited to be claimed as the next fireman stepped to the front.
Who got pushed up on the stage to collect me but little Kennedy Stewart herself?
She was shoved up there by her friends, even if I didn't know that at the time. Later she'd tell me they'd done it as a prank. They'd spent their own money. She'd had no idea what was happening until we were standing face to face under the spotlight.
But I didn't know any of that. I just knew I was about to spend the evening with a girl I'd secretly lusted after for years. A lot of years.
I could not stop smiling at the lucky turn of events.
But Kennedy looked shocked. Her pretty little face looked different too. She was still prim and proper with her long dark hair and perfect features. But she'd grown up and filled out. The girl had been pretty before. Now she was movie star beautiful.
She was a dime.
And that was a Goddamn understatement.
The night that had followed had been insane. We went to dinner at a tiny Italian place around the corner. The best restaurant in the hood, Aunt Marie's had been there for fifty years. It wasn't cheap, but she was more than worth it.
I'd even gotten her to split a bottle of wine with me.
Over the candlelight, we'd stared into each other's eyes. A couple of things became obvious. One, she'd never been on a real date before. She told me, but I could also tell. She was shy, and her voice was so soft and melodic, I ended up hanging on every word.
Two, it seems that even though we'd never talked before, she'd been just as aware of me as I'd been of her. She mentioned the time I'd scored twenty points in a basketball game. She even knew my older sister's kids' names.
So, what started out as a long shot ended up with us sitting on a bench on the promenade outside Prospect Park and talking until she had to go home. I'd never done that with a girl. Just... talked.
I'd asked to see her the next day. And the next.
It wasn't long before we were inseparable, or as much as we could be without her family finding out. I became an expert at sneaking in and out of her bedroom window. I signed up for more night shifts, so I could see her during the day. It was a lot easier for her to explain to her crazy brothers that she had somewhere legit to be in the afternoon.
And after a few weeks, she gave me her virginity. She was shy and trembling in my arms as I carefully took her for the first time. We held each other for hours afterwards. It was perfect. She was perfect.
And then she was gone.
Poof. After six weeks of what I thought was the start of the Goddamn rest of our lives. She took off on me.
No explanation. No nothing.
She was just... gone.
I took it hard, losing a couple days in the bottle. Hell, I was still losing myself in the bottle on a regular basis. I'd tried to find her, tried to talk to her. But she must have changed her number because I never heard back.
I lost interest in everything except my job and getting bleary eye drunk. Even girls.
Especially girls.
So I didn't want a drink from the cute blond at the end of the bar. I didn't want anything.
I just wanted to be left the fuck alone.
Kennedy
"Go ahead. Ask."
I stared at my cousin, biting my lip. I knew what she was talking about. She knew I wanted to know about him. Drew Callaway. I had tried not to ask too often while I was away.
Of course, she told me anyway.
"So... how is he?"
"Drew? He's still moping around."
I took another sip of my mint tea.
"Is he... seeing anyone?"
She let out a laugh and slapped her knee.
"I knew it! I knew!!!"
I grumbled and looked away.
"You are still hooked on him."
I shrugged.
"So what if I am? It's all messed up now. It's hopeless. Besides, he's probably been with a dozen girls since I left. More."
Jamie's eyes were sparkling as she popped another falafel in her mouth.
"Nope. As far as I can tell, he's been as chaste as a monk. Not because girls haven't been trying either. Everyone's been talking about it."
I swallowed. That seemed... out of character. Maybe he had meant it when he said he was falling in love with me...
But that was wishful thinking. He'd never stopped playing the field. Not even after we'd gotten intimate. I knew, because my brother saw him with other girls. I winced at the memory.
"How am I going to explain all of this to him, Jamie? I'm going to have to talk to him. I never planned on keeping it a secret."
"You should have told him in the beginning!"
"I was too busy crying my eyes out. It's not every day your family disinherits you."
"I know girl. It sucks. But he wasn't to blame."
"It might not be his fault but I'm the one whose life changed. I'm forever the tramp who got knocked up. I don't think I could even show my face in Church again."
"Stop it. That gorgeous baby is a miracle. And you can't fight biology."
She took two fingers and locked them together.
"You and Drew are like this."
I shook my head.
"Not anymore. It was just a few months anyway. Not even. Six weeks and... a couple of days."
She smirked at me, clearly expecting me to tell her the number of hours. I rolled my eyes and she shook her head.
"Nope, sorry. I don't buy it."
I sopped up the last of the tahini with a fresh baked pita.
"I'm going to have to go and see him."
"Yes, you are."
She took my hand and squeezed.
"He's going to be pissed, Neddy. You didn't see him when you left. He looked like a ghost. Do you want back up?"
"No. But thanks, Cuz."
"Alright girl, it's your life. Cab or hoof?"
I'd missed walking everywhere. Out east at Aunt Selene's I'd been holed up for most of the pregnancy. I walked to the beautiful little beach near her house in Oyster Bay, and around the small, quaint town. But that was it.
I was ready to stretch my legs. Look around. People watch. I paid the bill and smiled at Jamie.
"Let's hoof it."
Chapter Three
Drew
I groaned at the sunlight coming in through the window. My head was pounding. I wondered how long I'd slept. Judging from the beer cans on the floor, not long.
I forced myself out of bed and into the shower. In ten minutes I was on the streets. I needed hot coffee and a bagel. Maybe two bagels. Either way though, I was not ready to face the day.
Another morning shift, another ferocious hangover.
I started walking down the same street I always took. I'd started because I wanted to 'bump into' her cousin Jamie. Now it was just part of my mindless routine.
My eyes slid to the side, checking the front porch out of habit.
; I stopped dead in my tracks.
There was a girl on the porch swing, rocking slowly back and forth. A delicate, dark haired girl with a heart breakingly beautiful face. A face I never thought I would see again.
It was her.
Kennedy was back.
She was staring wistfully into space, her gorgeous hair loose over her shoulders. She looked sad somehow. But peaceful too.
Not like the lying little bitch that she was.
She turned her head and saw me. Or I thought that she saw me. I was too busy getting the fuck out of there to be sure.
I dashed down the block, practically running around the corner. I leaned against a tree, catching my breath. It wasn't that I was out of shape.
Seeing her like that, it just knocked the wind out of me.
My heart was racing about a million miles an hour. Her face... seeing her angelic face had made me want to shout with joy. It was like I'd been starving for the sight of her. I'd imagined the worst over the past seven months. That she'd been kidnapped. Fallen in love with someone else. Or that she'd been too ashamed to be with me.
Mostly though, I'd imagined her bound and gagged in some guy's basement crawlspace. I'd even tried to talk to her brothers about going to the police but they'd told me she was fine with a sneer. Right before they threated to beat my ass.
But I didn't believe it. Not until I'd seen it with my own eyes. I'd even gone into the police station, blitzed out of my mind, only to be informed that only a family member could file a missing persons report.
She was alive. She was here. She was fucking real.
For a split second I felt like a kid on Christmas morning. My whole body felt alive. I was on the verge of running up to her and scooping her up into my arms.
Until I remembered what the fuck she'd done to me.
It took all my control to stay where I was. To force my feet to turn in the other direction.
To get the hell away from her. Her poison. Her lies.
My beautiful angel was a devil in disguise. The fact that she'd fooled me so completely, gotten me to fall for her so hard, and so fast... well that just made the foul truth of it that much worse.
Perfect little Kennedy was a perfect little bitch.
I closed my eyes, feeling like an idiot. I had to fight to stay where I was. I wanted to go back, to look at her some more. To kiss her or yell at her. Maybe both.
That's when I realized someone was standing behind me. I turned around and there she was, standing there with a tiny little smile on her face. Nervous, but not ashamed of herself like she should be. Just... saying hello.
"Hi Andrew."
Just like that. Like she hadn't ditched me. Like she hadn't fucking ghosted on me.
She looked shy and nervous and fucking beautiful. I felt my insides crack open. I wanted to yank her into my arms and kiss her sweet face.
I had to talk myself down from the ledge.
Don't believe it. It's an illusion. She's a snake. She was like the Goddamn snake in the Garden of Eden.
I just stared at her. It was like seeing a ghost. How many times had I begged for my mother to come back one more time after she died? How many times had I begged for Kennedy to come back too?
Only Kennedy was alive. She could have come back. But she didn't.
All the same I couldn't help the relief that coursed through me. I hated myself for feeling it. But it was there. I was glad she was alive. But I didn't want to care one way or the other, dammit.
Kennedy smiled self-consciously and kept talking, like I wasn't waging a battle inside.
"I've been meaning to talk to you. I meant to- for a while. To tell you something."
I crossed my arms over my chest. I forced myself to look disinterested. The truth was I was dying to hear what she had to say.
"What stopped you?"
"What?"
"What stopped you from telling me this big secret of yours?"
She blinked at me, clearly losing her momentum.
"I just... I wasn't ready. I was nervous."
I felt my insides twist up a bit as she fidgeted. She did look nervous. Fuck that. What did she have to be nervous about? She was the one who left me.
I shrugged as if I could care less.
"Right. This should be good."
She hesitated then and a hurt look flashed across her face. I hated myself in that moment. Then I reminded myself. She only looked sweet and innocent.
In reality she was a heartbreaker. A viper. A woman who ate men for breakfast. The very reason I had given up women.
But the way she'd felt in my arms...
"I haven't got time for this Kennedy. I have to get to work. Spit it out."
She blinked and looked away. Not before I saw the sheen of tears in her eyes. I cursed and pushed away from the tree.
"If you want to talk, talk. I'm going."
And I walked away without a backwards glance.
Kennedy
I stifled the urge to run in the other direction as I watched his broad back walk away from me. Seeing him like this, his handsome face, well, it was tearing me up inside. I wanted to kiss him. To talk to him. Hold him. But he didn't care about me anymore, that much was obvious. If he ever had to begin with.
Still, I needed to tell him and Drew wasn't making this easy for me.
I hurried to keep up with him. I had to run a few steps. He was well over six feet tall and I was... not.
He looked so handsome it was twisting me up inside. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and beg his forgiveness for hurting him. Because just for a minute, he had looked hurt.
Drew looked tough, but he'd shown me his soft side during our time together. No one had ever treated me that way. Like I was precious. Like he didn't just desire me.
Like he cherished me.
But now- he was looking at me like I was lower than dirt. Actually, he wasn't looking at me at all. He was ignoring me, like I was an annoyance. A gnat.
My mouth was dry but I forced myself to keep talking.
"I thought we could be- or we were-"
He finally looked at me, disgust curling his lips.
"We were what Kennedy?"
"We were friends."
"Really? Is that what you call it? When you disappeared on me, whatever we were was over."
I swallowed, my voice coming out as a little squeak.
"Just like that?"
He looked at me, his dark golden eyes as cold as ice.
"Just. Like. That."
"The reason I went away. My brothers... they sent me away... it was..."
"What?"
"Because I was pregnant."
He finally stopped walking and stared at me. We were on a quiet street thankfully. Because his next words burst out of him at top volume.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
I took a deep breath.
"I went away because I was pregnant. And I- we have a baby."
He narrowed his eyes at me.
"Are you sure it's mine?"
My jaw dropped. He'd known I was a virgin. How could he ask me that?
I felt like I was folding in on myself, cracking in half. I couldn't hide the tears that started to fall. I wiped them away with the back of my hand.
"Yes. Of course, it is."
He just stared at me. My voice sounded broken as I whispered. Begging him to believe me with my eyes.
"You know it is."
He looked away. His voice was casual when he spoke again. Unconcerned.
"What do you want from me?"
I felt like I was shriveling up inside.
"Nothing. I don't expect anything. Money or- I just- I wanted to tell you. I should have told you before. I was just-"
He looked back at me, disdain written all over his face.
"A liar?"
I opened my mouth to speak but no sound came out. I took a step backwards.
"I have to- to go. But I wanted you to know- in case you wanted to-"
/> "To what, Kennedy? Welcome you back with open arms? I thought you were dead."
I shook my head. I hadn't thought of that. I should have called. Or had Jamie let him know more than that I was okay, that I would be in touch. But I didn't. No wonder he was angry.
"I just meant- if you wanted to see him. He's... a beautiful baby and-"
I was openly crying now. I turned my face as people walked past and stared.
"Anyway, I'm staying with Jamie. So if you change you mind. That's where I'll..."
I couldn't finish. I just shook my head and walked away. I nearly stumbled in my humiliation. I tried to stand up straight but I couldn't. My arms were wrapped around me as I hunched forward protectively.
I ducked my head and ran for home.
Chapter Four
Drew
"Cat got your tongue?"
I shrugged, finishing my third pint of beer. After two shots and the brews, I was well on my way to buzzed, if not respectably drunk. Maybe if I got drunk enough, I could forget the hurt look on Kennedy's face when I'd asked her if the child was mine.
She hadn't just looked hurt.
She'd looked devastated.
It had been a busy shift, which I'd been grateful for. Two small fires, both electrical. But I hadn't had time to think. Every time I'd stopped moving though I'd had the same thoughts over and over again. It was like a loop that didn't end, even now as I tried to drink myself into oblivion.
Kennedy was back.
I had a baby.
She was more beautiful than ever and that made me angry.
She wanted to be friends with me and that made me angry.
I didn't want to be her friend. I wanted to fuck her out of my brain and forget her.
How badly I'd wanted to hurt her and how unsatisfying it had been when I did.
She had my baby.
I had a baby.
No matter what I'd said to her, I didn't doubt her for a second when she said the kid was mine. So.... yeah. After all this time it turned out I was a daddy.