I knew he’d play something and I wanted to see what. My dad was the best. He knew how to play everything, how to write songs, and how to teach. I loved music because of him. When I grew up, I wanted to be just like them. Only…less angry.
I watched Dad grab his acoustic guitar, sit down on the stool near the wall, and I waited for his fingers to create something beautiful. “Hey, you.” I looked up and found him looking at me with a rare smile on his lips. “Want to play with me?” His eyes looked red and he was kind of slurring but I really, really wanted to play.
I nodded and walked over to him in my pink, fluffy bunny slippers. He smelled like cigarettes and alcohol. It was normal for him.
“Alright, do you remember how to hold it?” he asked, adjusting the strap of the guitar after he placed it over my head. I nodded and he lifted me up onto his lap. When he made sure my fingers were on the right strings, he smiled and patted my leg. “Go ahead.”
“No pick?” I asked, looking up at him. “My fingers…”
“Go ahead,” he ordered.
I looked down at the massive guitar sitting on my leg and I gulped. I needed the pick. My fingers were too small, too fragile. I knew how to strum and I even knew how to play a few chords but I preferred the keyboard Mom bought me. It was gentler. Peaceful. I couldn’t wait to be older and buy a piano.
I looked down at the guitar and strummed the G Major cord a few times. Dad always wanted me to strum each chord a few times so he’d know I was doing it right.
“You’re too tense. Relax the wrist.”
I furrowed my brows and tried to relax my wrist. I continued.
“There’s too much buzzing. Is your pinky on the high E string right behind the third fret?”
I nodded.
“Again.”
Dad shook his head and breathed deeply.
“Switch to the C Major chord.”
I placed my fingers on the right strings and strummed the chord.
“You’re not using the very tips of your fingers, dammit!”
“Strumming hurts,” I spoke, softly. “Can I have the pi–”
Dad tore the guitar off me and shoved me off his lap.
“You’ll never get it. It doesn’t matter how much I teach you, you’ll never fucking get it right.” Dad grabbed a beer bottle from the small table beside me and pushed me to the side, hard. “You weren’t made to play music,” he spat. He set his guitar down in the case and righted himself. “You’re a disgrace.”
“I’m sorry, Daddy!” I stared at my bunny slippers as tears ran down my cheeks. “I just wanted–”
“Get the fuck out of my way!”
I only remembered the pain in my foot from my father stepping on my toes, and the sharp pain in my shoulder from being shoved too hard.
I lost my balance and fell backwards, the back of my head hitting a corner of something sharp.
The lights in the garage went out and a door closed.
I sat up, crying over the pain in my head. My fingers touched the back of my head softly and I cried harder. It hurt so much. And it was warm. It’s not blood. It’s not blood. Go to Declan. I repeated that over and over again so I wouldn’t freak out. I always cringed when I saw blood. I couldn’t handle it at this point.
I felt around and found Declan’s scooter lying on its side. I hit my head against the wide part. Mom always told him to put it away after he used it.
I stood up slowly and found my way to the door leading into the house.
Everything was dark.
I climbed the stairs and walked toward Declan’s room. He had a nightlight by his bed so I followed the light.
“Declan,” I whispered, nudging his shoulder. He was sleeping on his stomach, his right arm hanging off the bed. His favorite teddy bear was lying face down on the floor. I gave it to him last year when I turned six. He liked bears more than me. Pandas were my favorite. “Declan.” He twitched but didn’t wake up. “Declan, wake up.”
He finally cracked an eye open.
“My head hurts.”
“Em, go to bed. We have school tomorrow.”
“It…really…hurts…” I whisper sobbed. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted Declan’s help.
I turned around, pulling on my white pajama shirt, and shuffled out when he sighed deeply. He screamed a minute later for Mom. His feet hit the floor and he ran for the bedroom light switch, grabbing my arm with his other hand. “You’re bleeding! Em, what happened? MOM!”
I looked down at my bunny slippers. They had small drops of blood splattered on them.
“You’ll be okay.” Declan held me against his side and walked out of his room. I saw the blood spots on the hardwood floor, a path starting from the stairs to his room.
Mom walked out of her room, Dad close behind.
I shut my eyes hard when the screaming match began.
“Emily.” I blink and Alex’s face is all I see. His voice is all I hear. His fingers are all I feel. He traces the scar on the back of my head and he leans in. He’s so close he can kiss me. “Okay?”
If my father does anything, I’ll tell him. I won’t be the scared child I was back then.
“Can we eat? I was really looking forward to ‘you and me’ time.”
I see his head jerk back a bit, shocked, but he recovers with a beautiful smile and a nod. “You and me time. No one else.” Us against the world, I think. It’s what I’d say when I needed a break from people.
Chapter 14
My phone’s alarm clock rings and rings and rings so I stretch my arm out to make the noise stop. I don’t feel so excited about going to class anymore. Talking to Mom about the situation made me think of my father and all the years I’ve spent feeling small, unworthy, and useless.
I didn’t know how to tell Mom and Declan about Dad being my music theory professor so when I called them Monday night, I blurted it out and couldn’t breathe during the longest moment of silent moments I’ve ever had. Declan freaked out, which made Mom freak out in her own way. Let’s just say the whole thing was unpleasant.
Growing up, I was scared of speaking around my father. He was always so playful around Declan and then I’d run up to him and he’d push me away. Until he didn’t. He started teaching me music. I was his student at the very young age of four. I was either good or I wasn’t. I had to learn, play correctly, and be the best. There was no room for errors. When I’d get a note wrong or play out of tune, Dad would yell. Then drink. He’d become someone scary.
The last night he lived with us was the night he threw me to the ground in the garage. He was drunk and didn’t know what he did but Mom had had enough. She took me to the hospital and told him to get the hell out by the time we came back. We never involved the police because I was scared to tell them. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gone downstairs.
Every year after, I made excuses for him. I was done doing that. I finally saw what he was and never put the blame on myself again. I just wanted to play with him. I wanted to have a father-daughter moment. I never meant to break apart my family.
It’s going to be one of the hardest things having to deal with him now. I can finally admit that. I don’t want to have to see or speak to him. I want nothing to do with him.
But I can’t do anything. Sure, talking to the dean could possibly get this fixed but what if I have to transfer? I set up my life here in the Miami-Dade county. I’m not leaving just yet.
“Sophie.” I turn on my stomach and look up at her side of the room. Her red hair is spilled over her pillow, her head hiding somewhere in the mess. I get up on my elbows and lean forward, stretching out to nudge her. She’s usually awake before me but she came in late last night and told me to do whatever it takes to get her up by six. She needs a long shower after the night she had. I didn’t want to know details.
“Leave me alone, you evil demon.”
“Wake up.”
“Go to hell.”
Whatever a person says in the morning when they are being
woken up is a bunch of false threats. Do not fear them. It’s like a pregnant woman giving birth. She will yell about ripping her baby daddy’s head, and penis, off but the moment she sees her child in her arms, she’ll smile and ask when they can have another. Said penis is needed. See, false threats.
I smile and throw my covers off myself. I stand, walk over to my desk, and stick my phone into my SoundDock speakers. I’ve got nothing against the Biebs but Soph can’t stand his pre-pubescent songs. I look through my ‘I’m a Thundercunt’ playlist, specifically crafted for my one and only BFF, and press play on One Time.
Sophie huffs and grabs her comforter, trying to block out her worst nightmare.
I start to sing along with Justin.
“God!” Sophie smacks her head against the pillow and growls. “Stop it.”
“Wake up.”
“I’m going to rip your tits off!” She whips the pillow at me, giving me some kind of evil glare mixed with a half zombie look.
I keep this going until Baby starts playing.
“You told me to wake you up. Now. Get. Up.” I smack her with the pillow at a few times. She blindsides me by jumping out of bed and lunging for me. I hit the floor with her on top of me.
“Who are you?! Where is my best friend who doesn’t torture me with that…that…weirdo with a chick voice?!”
“He doesn’t have a girly voice anymore!” Why I’m defending the Biebs is unknown. I find some of his songs worthy of my time and he’s not bad to look at either. What? It’s true.
Sophie smothers me with the pillow for a millisecond before she starts laughing.
Because now, Friday by Rebecca Black is playing.
I try really hard not to judge music because I love everything I hear. It might be hard to get into it at first but after a few repeats and I’m really listening to it, I’ll be more open about it. The only exception is that damn Friday song. I’ve hated it, wanted to burn it on a CD, and then literally burn it, just so I could never listen to it again. I can’t…I just can’t.
“This song. Really!” Sophie stands, grabs her pillow and whips it at me. “I fucking hate this song!”
“I know.”
I stand up with her help and we’re both doubled over in a laughing fit when someone pounds on the door a moment later, yelling, “Shut that fucking thing up!”
I immediately hit pause and we shut up in record time. I swear I didn’t play it that loud. It was low compared to what we play in our dorm room. But my window is open. Shit!
I run to the door and open it slowly. Liam is standing there only in gray sweatpants, a scowl on his face. Oh shit. “I’m so sorry!” His eyes snap up and meet mine. “I didn’t think it was that loud!” I look around the corridor, hoping no one else comes out and complains. It’s early but some of us are up this early. I know Jenn, the roommate is up because she was in the bathroom right before my alarm went off. Her roomie, Beth, went AWOL and she thinks she’s living with her boyfriend in his apartment off campus. Jenn likes the space so we’re not mentioning it to anyone just yet. We found that out yesterday.
“It wasn’t loud,” Liam starts. “My sister used to play that all the time and I…” He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Sorry.” His lips curl up into a smile. “It’s like my body knows when that song is playing and I want to murder someone.”
“You can take her as a sacrifice,” Sophie states behind me, opening the bathroom door. “Thanks, babe.” She blows me a kiss and winks. Her hour shower will give me time to take a small nap. I’m in no rush to get to my music theory class this morning.
“Alright, so…sorry about getting all psycho.” Liam offers me a dimpled smile and backs away from the door. “See you in class.”
I nod and shut the door, walking back to my bed. I pass my digital piano and stop, deciding to play something instead of napping so I can fully wake up. Hailee Steinfeld’s newest single came out and I’ve wanted to try and do a cover of it because that song is on point and I love it. There’s nothing better than loving yourself and well, that song, it makes me want to show my body some love. I blush just thinking about it. There’s two ways a person can interpret that song. I tend to stick to the self-love side.
I grab my headphones and get lost in the music as I hum along to the song while my fingers do all the magic.
I lose track of time as I start playing anything and everything that flows out of me.
A hand squeezes my left arm softly and I crack open my eyes to see a towel wrapped Sophie pointing toward the bathroom. It’s my turn.
I nod and finish up the last few notes then take my headphones off. Sophie has moved toward her closet space when I grab my towels and head to the bathroom. Sophie walks back to her side of the room, which is kind of cramped because all my musical things are currently waiting for their final places to be stored. I have a stack of blank sheet music notebooks stacked up on the floor near my bed because my desk is still being organized after only two days of classes. It’s a mess and it’s frustrating to think about where everything will go.
“Hey, Soph?”
“Yeah?”
“Sorry about all the clutter. I’ll try and put everything away before the week is over.”
Soph shakes her head and smiles while looking around the room. She stares at my piano for a moment and lets out a breath. Her eyes flick back up to mine. “Em, I love being around this. It’s you.”
Her unspoken words are what I hear. It’s been so long since I’ve heard you play with me in the same room. I’d play something for her when we were together. After the rape, I never played again with someone in the same room as me.
I open the bathroom door when she grabs her bra. Soph doesn’t mind getting naked in front of me. I know my time to leave before seeing nips is closing in. “I’ll play something for you later.”
“Really?”
“Anything you want.”
“You have to sing too!”
“Anything for you, Red.”
Sophie chuckles her evil best friend chuckle as I close the door and start the shower.
***
When my music theory class ends, I catch my father looking right at me as I head out the door. He looks like he wants to say something but a student approaches him and he breaks the eye contact. A look of relief passes his face as he turns away from me. I don’t even bother with waiting to see if he needs something.
My phone vibrates in my back pocket as I head to my next class.
Mom’s calling. I debate whether or not to answer but she’s my mom so of course I answer.
“Hey, honey! Is class over? Was it okay?”
She’s worried I’ll go bat-shit on my father because of the way he left us, how he left Mom. He broke the strongest woman I know and for that, I’ll always feel this rage deep inside me that I wish I could unleash on a weak man. But I won’t. I’ve programmed myself to thinking he’s just my professor and I’m going to pass his class.
I tell her what she needs to hear and end the call before I enter my skills ensemble class. Tyler and Liam save me a seat and feed me chocolate. I have them on the potential best friend list because they are seriously awesome.
Liam is a bit on the quiet side but when he does talk, he has no filter. He blames it on his upbringing. His parents have money and always forced him to behave. He’d save up his energy for a special occasion and be the little devil his parents feared. I’m told his parents still adore him.
Taylor is still to be determined. Alex mentioned his family is dealing with some things so Tyler has good and bad days. I didn’t ask for details because it’s not my place to pry. He’s funny though. They both are. Smart too. And they love music as much as I do. I can see why they’re friends with Alex. They got Alex into loving music. Alex just doesn’t play like we do because he’s more into the medical field.
During the middle of class, I get thirsty and grab my water bottle from my bag. I check my phone quickly and see a text from Alex ten minutes ago. I’m
going to grab something to eat when class is over, want something? I thought we’d go get food together after my next class. It’s kind of what we planned after our first lunch together.
Me: I’m good. Thanks :)
Alex: Are you saying no to food?!
He sends a bunch of shocked emoji’s and I laugh softly.
Me: I don’t want you to walk all over campus
Alex: If you want food, I’m bringing it to you.
Alex: Stop trying to stop me from seeing you. So rude!
Me: okay. Surprise me. But it has to be quick. I have class 20 min after this one
Alex: So you want a quickie? ;)
I blush hard when Liam glances my way. He slaps my hand playfully and I drop my phone into my bag. The professor locks eyes on me, I don’t dare reach for it again. I sit up straight and pay attention for the rest of class.
As I grab my things and follow both Liam and Tyler out, I spot Alex leaning against the wall a few feet from me, surrounded by a group of girls with legs for miles. Alex is smiling at whatever is being said but he looks tense with his hands gripping a paper bag tightly. I adjust the strap of my bag and shove through the tight circle of baby voices and giggles. I hate hearing women do that. Do men really like the baby voice? It’s so annoying and a baby voice! Not. Sexy.
“Can you let the poor guy breathe?” I stop beside Alex and he shoots me a grateful look. I don’t want to brag or anything but my ego does inflate a bit knowing I can do this for him. Alex is too nice to shoo people away. “Need some saving?”
“Oh. My. Gosh. Emily! Are you two back together?!”
I whip my head toward the high-pitched voice and get blinded by a flashing light from a camera. I see others grabbing their phones and I immediately regret stepping into this. The hounds have found us. We are not safe.
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