His voice, his breathing, is the perfect melody to my favorite song.
I can listen to it all day.
***
The café is a small place that gets packed fast. There’s enough seating for less than a hundred people. During a time when a singer/songwriter comes up, everyone’s a little squished. Right now, it’s not too crowded.
The dim lights keep the place a bit dark, giving the customers a homey feel. They serve just about everything but I stick to the sweets. Their pies, whatever flavors they have, are amazing. I’m sure my ass agrees.
We find a table near the windows where we can still see what’s happening in the far corner of the building where the musicians play. A guy with his guitar is sitting up there, strumming a few strings, tuning his guitar. His head is bowed, knee propped up on the stool’s bottom rung. He’s totally in the zone.
Our server asks what we want then leaves, taking the orders of the table next to us. I spot some college-aged people scattered around here, a table with a family of five, and some middle-aged women staring some men their age down.
A man sitting up at the counter, turns his head and looks around. He spots me and winks. My eyes fall on the small child sitting on his lap who is now screaming my name at the top of her lungs. “Oh, shit.”
“Aww, he brought Scarlett!” Sophie gushes, grabbing my hand. She stands and waves Charlie and his six-year-old niece over. “You guys have to see how adorable she is. Remember the kids I told you about? Em babysits her and her brothers.”
I raise a brow at Soph. She told them about the kids? Does that mean she just came to visit during the summer to spy? Hmm, and I thought she loved me. She was feeding them information. Traitor!
“Scar is in love with me,” I add. “It breaks my heart whenever I have to leave.”
I stand and grab two chairs from an empty table behind us.
Charlie brings Scarlett over and she runs into my legs, hugging them tightly. “Hi!” Her brown hair flies every, making her look like a crazy, furry monster. It’s cute. Her hair is starting to grow back after she snipped it herself a few months ago.
“Hey. I missed you!” I drop down and hug her.
“Me too! Mommy said Uncle Charlie could watch me today and he said he was going to see you so I had to come too!” Scarlett pulls back and locks her big green eyes on me. “When are you coming over?”
“Let me get comfortable with school first and then you’ll be the first person I see.”
“Promise?”
I grab her cheek softly and smile. “Promise. Now, what are your brothers doing? They didn’t want to see me?” I look up at Charlie and narrow my eyes at him playfully. Scarlett giggles and walks over to an empty chair. I help her into it and hug Charlie quickly. He is the closest thing I have to a dad. Ever since he dated Mom, I’ve just loved him. He’s caring, and understanding of a woman who couldn’t put up and leave her life behind to move away with him.
“Lawrence had a check up so Michael wanted one too.” Charlie shakes his head and glances at Scarlett before looking around the table. “Kids.” He loves them and always will. The reason why he moved back here, and he and Mom had to break things off was because Sallie needed help. If Mom didn’t think of Declan and I finishing school, she would have moved here with him. They were in love. And then that love ended.
Lawrence is about to turn one soon, and Michael’s three. All I know is that once Lawrence was born, the father skipped out of town with the excuse of not being able to handle three kids. He’s only twenty-six and wants to live his life or something. Charlie stepped in and helped his younger sister, Sallie, in any way he could. Their parents aren’t much help. That’s what I’m told.
“Charlie, you know Sophie and Zach already. This is Alex. Alex, meet Charlie. He and my mom used to date.” I crouch beside Scar and point at Soph. “Remember Sophie? She used to be blonde.”
Scarlett tilts her head and squints, shrugs and looks back at me. “She looks weird.”
Sophie’s face drops and I hold back a laugh. She doesn’t mean it in a mean way. I’ve been helping Scarlett understand that weird is good but you can’t really use ‘weird’ when describing it. Normal is boring. “She does. I love it.”
Scarlett had a problem in her kindergarten class where the boys made fun of her for having short, messy, uneven hair. She only did it because Michael cried whenever she tickled him with the ends. He’s scared of long hair. Scarlett liked to pretend she was a monster. She wants her brother to smile and laugh when she’s around him now so she grabbed a pair of scissors when her mom wasn’t looking and snip. Scarlett was picked on and is still traumatized over the words the kids throw at her. We’re trying to help her through it. I hope first grade is easier on her.
“Weird is good!” Scarlett blurts, beaming.
“Yes. Weird is good.”
As everyone gets comfortable, the guy strumming a few chords lifts his head and I look at him, fascinated. It’s Tyler. The same Tyler I go to class with. He spots me, or rather our table, and I see a quick smile appear on his lips before it’s gone and he opens his mouth, doing his own cover of a Phillip Phillips song. I haven’t heard him sing and damn, I’m impressed.
“Did he know we were coming here?” I ask Alex, leaning into him. He’s sitting beside me and I know he heard me but he scoots closer until we’re less than an inch apart. My eyes drop to his neck.
I want to kiss the spot I know he likes. The spot under his ear.
I want to sink my teeth into his skin softly.
That’s not the only thing I want to sink myself onto.
“He was already here when we left. Liam’s somewhere. Probably trying to pick up a girl.”
I lick my lips and sigh.
Alex tilts his head up and our eyes connect. They stare into mine and seem to break right through to my soul. He lights the fire that is slowly burning out against its will. He always has. He’s the only one holding that match. No one, not even myself, can do what he does. He reaches a place that is unknown to the world. He sees me. The me I’m scared of showing.
He leans in and his lips find the corner of my mouth. It’s probably safer for everyone that it isn’t a full-blown kiss. Scarlett and Charlie don’t need to see me sucking face with someone I really want to suck face with.
His eyes flick to the side then meet mine again. There’s a playful smile already on his lips.
“It seems your admirer has turned into mush.”
I glance around the table to find Scarlett staring at us with huge, shiny eyes, and an equally huge smile, her head propped up by the palms of her hands. This is what swooning at a young age looks like. I’ve done it plenty of times over the years.
Over boys.
Her eyes are zeroed in on Alex.
I think her admiration has transferred.
“He’s so pretty,” Scarlett breathes.
“Isn’t he?” I agree. Alex is sexy. He knows it but doesn’t voice it. That makes him sexier. And the fact that he blushes when someone mentions anything about his looks makes him that much…prettier. As I continue to gush over this man alongside Scar, I think back to the day I declared I kiss ever freckle and birthmark on his body. He has a few on his face, the rest are scattered over his body. And let me tell you, it’s sexy as fuck to watch his movements as my lips meet his skin in various places.
Alex looks down, shaking his head. The red is starting to creep up his neck. Oh, this sexy man needs to get used to it.
“Hey, what about me?” Zach questions. “Am I invisible?” He pouts and gives Scar the puppy-dog eyes. He’s too damn handsome to know what he does to women with that look. Scar is no different.
Scarlett giggles and shakes her head. “You’re Sophie’s boyfriend, silly.”
“Oh, I see.” Zach nods and winks at Scar. “You don’t want to hurt Soph’s feelings by falling in love with me. It’s okay. I get it.”
Scar looks at me with flushed cheeks then turns into Charlie’s side
and tries to hide.
“Aren’t you two dating?” Charlie asks, eyeing Alex and me.
Before I can answer, Alex speaks. “We’re working on things.”
Yeah. You can say that.
“He doesn’t like me,” I deadpan.
Scarlett’s mouth falls open and she throws herself against her chair. She points a finger at Alex and narrows her eyes at him. “You better fix that, mister! Emily is the best.”
Alex leans back into his chair. “That she is.”
Scarlett gives me a thumbs up. I give one back.
I wish life were as simple as a thumbs up.
Minutes later, Tyler walks toward a table full of people and I take his place, being the center of attention. Scarlett chooses a song for me to sing and since Sophie loves that song, she doesn’t say no.
I eye the upright piano with glee. I love dragging my fingers over a real piano. My digital one is my baby but that doesn’t mean I can’t stop and feel up a piano when I see one. I’ve never had a real one. Living in the city, surrounded by neighbors, made that hard.
I pull out the bench and sit, loving the feeling of all of this. I’ll never get tired of music. It’s what I breathe.
I drown out the world and let my fingers do all the magic, the words to Jessie J’s Flashlight fills the room seconds later. This song speaks to me so much. And the person who I dedicated this song to the moment I heard it must know that too. He seems to know everything about me when music is involved.
I wonder if I played a sad, anger song after the rape if he would have understood me.
I pushed him away until he found out the truth. It was never the same after that because he looked at me like I was someone different. He made me feel like a victim when all I wanted to do was forget.
Now, as I try to find him in the crowd, his eyes are already on me, making me feel everything besides small. He makes me feel lovable and wanted.
We are working on things.
The future seems bright.
Chapter 16
The first week of school is officially over and I find myself standing outside of my father’s classroom. Neither of us found the courage to start up a much-needed conversation so I figure I’ll be the bigger person and all that.
I wait until he’s gathered all his things before I knock on the open door and walk in. He lifts his head and stops moving when he sees it’s me. He looks like he’d rather be somewhere else. I don’t let it bother me.
“Do you need something?” he starts.
“I thought we could talk,” I answer. “We only see each other in class and well…I have a lot of questions.” Like, what the hell are you doing here, in Florida? Are you married? Engaged? Do you have more kids? What are you doing here?!
“Will this take long? I have somewhere I need to be.”
I take a minute to answer because he seriously said that.
“Well, sorry I’m such an inconvenience.” I shake my head, flabbergasted. “Mom keeps asking me questions and I’d like to give her answers. She can’t get in touch with you so I’m the messenger.”
He breathes out heavily and scratches his jaw. When his fingers run through his salt and pepper hair, I notice that he’s not wearing a wedding ring. That answers one question, at least.
“Okay. What is it?”
“Have you lived here long?”
“No. We lived in North Carolina for six years until we moved here in June. My fiancée’s father is the dean of Frost. He needed a music teacher. Here I am.” He’s going to be related to the dean. How the hell is this happening? Fate is a shitty thing. It really is.
“You’re engaged?” That woman must be bat-shit crazy.
My father gives me a pointed look. I must have said that out-loud. Sorry not sorry.
“Yes.” Okay, no name. Guess I’m not that important to hear it.
“Do you have kids?”
His jaw tenses and he starts to walk toward the door, away from me.
“No, and we don’t want them. Are we done?”
We don’t want them. I won’t let that bother me. I won’t!
So no, we are not done here. Why can’t we have a civilized conversation? I’m trying here. I don’t want to be talking to him but I have to. I have to know how he ended up here. I would have never chosen Florida if I knew he resided here.
“Do you–” He walks past me and I turn, following him. “Do you still drink?” Are you still an abusive alcoholic? Do you remember the night you left? Do you know how much you’ve scarred me because of it?
He stops short and narrows his eyes at me. “I’ve been sober for almost ten years. I’ve made mistakes that I’m not proud of but I can’t change them. I left that life in the past. I do not want to relive it.”
“Does being around me anger you?” I ask softly.
He turns his head away from me and stares out at the door. “I have to go.” And I’m dismissed.
I follow him out of the door but I don’t wait for him to lock up. I walk away from the person I don’t know a single thing about.
“Why do you hate me?” I whisper the words so low that only the wind around me can hear the sound of my heart breaking.
I walk back to my dorm room and plop down on my bed. Sophie is painting her toenails and reading something from a textbook lying on her bed. The pen she’s biting on muffles her question but I understand, “Where were you?”
“I was talking to David.”
She whips her head to me and grabs the pen from her mouth. “What happened?”
I shake my head and kick off my shoes. “I have no idea who that man is.” I grab my earphones from under my pillow and lie down.
“Em, you can talk to me about him.”
I turn until I’m staring at the wall in front of me. “There’s nothing to tell. He had more important things to do than talk to me.” I pull up my rainy day playlist because I need some sad songs that I can relate to right now. “If you need the room, let me know. I can do laundry or something later.”
My bed dips and I feel her body against mine. Friend cuddles. It’s Sophie’s way of letting me know she’s here if I need her.
“I know.” I grab her hand and pull her against me for a few seconds. “I’m okay, Soph. Really.”
Sad but okay.
***
I wake up to the loud sounds of Sophie’s snoring. I reach for my phone and sit up straight when I see it’s already noon. My day will go by fast now. I always try to prolong the weekend. How else will I finish my homework?
I glance at Soph’s bed and see her being the big spoon to Zach’s little spoon. I have no idea when he came over because I went to sleep immediately after the first song I listened to ended, but thankfully they’re fully clothed. I chuckle to myself and head to the bathroom.
Jenn is at the sink, brushing her teeth. She waves at me so I grab my toothbrush and join her.
“I’m going to grab some food, do you want to come with?” she asks when we’re washing out our mouths.
“I’d love too. Give me five minutes?”
“Sure.”
I skip my shower because come on, it’s the weekend and I have no plans. I brush my hair, grab my yoga pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt that falls off one shoulder, and slip on some Chucks. I leave the room quietly and meet Jenn by the door to the staircase. Oh, she’s not a lazy one. Damn. I tell my beloved elevator to forgive me and we head out.
I know Sophie was the friendly one of the both of us and she actually got to know more about Jenn so I decide it’s time I start being a normal, nice, roommate, and ask some questions while we head to Hurricane food court. I learn that Jenn has an older sister who is in college back home in Mississippi. She chose U Miami because her boyfriend moved up here for college too. I didn’t get much on him because she was being vague so I didn’t press the subject.
“You’re from Boston, right?” Jenn asks as we enter the line for Tossed. There are two people in front of us, this will go quickly. I can so
eat a burger right now but the line for Built is packed. My stomach growls. Tossed it is.
“Brookline, technically–”
Her eyes get wide and she latches onto my arm like a crazed fan.
“Have you ever seen Tom Brady’s house up close?!”
That mansion is not somewhere where people can just walk up to and take a picture.
“Uh, no.”
She lets go of me and darts her eyes back to the food like she didn’t just grab me like some crazy person.
“What are you doing all the way down here?”
“The U was the first email in my inbox.” Jenn looks at me skeptically. “I wanted an out-of-state school. Whichever college acceptance was first, I was heading there.”
“I’ve always wanted to visit Boston.”
My phone vibrates in my hand. I peek at it. It’s a text from Alex which says–
“I heard the winters suck though,” Jenn continues.
I look up and nod. “After a few years of having to shovel out after a blizzard makes you want out of the city. But aside from that, it’s amazing. There’s so much to do around there.” Until everywhere you go is tainted by the people who suffocate you daily.
I look down at my phone again and see that Alex asked if I want to grab food. For real, these people know how to get me to leave my room. I text him that I’m already here.
We’re up to order. Jenn goes for a salad. I go for a sandwich. When we have our food, we find a booth that’s empty and claim it. We chit-chat for a few minutes until a body slides into my side of the booth. I smell him before my eyes have the pleasure of seeing him. That feeling I used to get in my stomach whenever Alex was around is back. The butterflies are happy they can finally fly instead of hide.
“You’re such a stalker,” I comment.
“It’s not stalking when you tell me where you are,” Alex explains, nodding a hello to Jenn. He comes empty-handed. I’m almost done with my sandwich. Clearly the guy will starve until we get up and get him some food.
“I didn’t invite you.” I stick my tongue out at him. “Sorry about him barging in on our girl time.”
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