The ventilator makes a shushing sound as it pushes oxygen into Alasdair’s body, and he’s surrounded by temperature gauges and tall silver poles with hooks that can hold bags of either saline or blood. My eyes trail to the hospital gown Alasdair’s wearing. It seems wrong to see him dressed in something clinical. I’m used to his old battered cardigan and corduroy trousers, and I struggle not to fall apart.
There’s a small upright unit by his bed where his clothes are kept. I can see his shirt hanging inside, and his shoes are placed side by side on a shelf.
I take Jamie’s hand, surprised to find his fingers are stone cold.
He lets out a heavy sigh. “It’s hard to believe granda’s fighting for his life,” he says. “He’s always been there for me. I just cannae imagine life without him.”
“Don’t talk like that,” I chide. “He’s a fighter, and the nurse says everything looks promising. We must stay positive.”
He spares just a millisecond to nod at me and then moves closer to granda and gently strokes the back of his hand.
“When Claire died, I couldnae eat or sleep. I was so confused, and angry with the world. It was as though I was stuck in limbo, where nothing made sense and I couldnae differentiate between reality and my own imagination. Granda saved me from myself. He was the one who held me together and stopped the grief from destroying me.”
He turns to me then, and tears are flowing silently down his cheeks.
Once again, I fling my arms around his neck and he pulls me tight as I hug him close. I don’t ever want to let him go. Words are not appropriate. Only my actions can help him now. I crush his body to mine and hope it’s enough.
I hear someone approach, but this time I don’t release Jamie. I hold onto him until his grip loosens. I feel my own tears slide down my face, and when Jamie finally pulls away, his eyes are red and swollen.
“Come back in the morning,” says a nurse with kind eyes. “We’ll know more by then.”
My boots squeak against the linoleum as I walk away, Jamie right behind me. We head past the nurses’ station and into the hospital lift. We don’t say a word to one another. There is no need.
When we push open the main doors, I embrace the cold that blows into my face. It feels refreshing against my skin. I stare over at the car, still parked at the front of the main building, and let out a sigh of relief.
“I had a horrible feeling the car may have been clamped by security in our absence,” I say.
“Or worse, towed away,” Jamie says with a sigh.
“Yes, that too.”
Jamie checks the windscreen. “Aye, and there’s no penalty notice, either.” He pulls the car keys from his jeans pocket and unlocks the door and climbs into the driver’s seat as I head over to the passenger side.
“Are you okay to drive?” I ask.
He starts the engine. “I’m fine,” and he shoves the gearstick from neutral and into first.
He drives slowly through the hospital grounds as I stare out of the window, searching along the side of the building for Alasdair’s room. Part of me doesn’t want to leave him behind.
“If he survives, it’s thanks to ye,” Jamie says as we hit the main road.
I turn towards him and shake my head. “No, Jamie, we both did our best to save him. Please don’t beat yourself up or take the blame; this was nobody’s fault.”
Jamie takes a deep breath and grabs the wheel tighter, his knuckles turning white. “But he suffers from Angina and he ne’er told me.”
“Again, that’s not your fault. He’s a proud man and clearly didn’t want to tell anyone.”
Jamie strikes the wheel with his fist, taking me by surprise.
“But I should’ve known,” he declares. “I should’ve seen the signs.”
“Pull over.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I said, pull over.”
Jamie steers the car onto the grass verge.
“Get out,” I say, and he looks at me as though I’ve gone stark raving mad. I open my door and clamber out onto the bank. It’s freezing, the temperature having dropped dramatically, and I pull my jacket closer to block out the icy wind.
Jamie walks around the car and stands in front of me.
“Let’s get one thing clear,” I say. “What happened to granda isn’t anyone’s fault. He’s a stubborn old mule, and blaming yourself is only going to make matters worse.”
“I cannae help it,” he says, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets. “We live together twenty-four-seven and yet I ne’er knew anything about his condition.”
I lean my arm against the car. “So, in future you keep an eye on him. Check he’s taking his medication.”
Jamie rests his back on the car door and stares out across the surrounding countryside. It’s bleak, and I can tell, by the tightening of Jamie’s jaw, that he still blames himself. He lets out a heavy sigh. “It’s times like this I wish I smoked,” he jokes, and for the first time the corners of my mouth lift into a smile.
“Yeah, me too,” I agree, and the tension between us melts away.
“We should be getting back,” he says. “There’s work to do and animals to feed.”
I reach out and touch the back of his hand. He places his fingers on top of mine and I suffer a delicious sexual shiver down my spine; his touch is electric.
“Jamie, why am I drawn to you? It’s like…you’re a drug I simply can’t get enough of.”
His fingers tighten around mine. “Please…don’t say another word.”
“I can’t help it,” I whisper.
“But it would only end by us hurtin’ the one person we both love.”
I drop my gaze and he lets go of my hand then climbs back into the car, and I go back to my side and get in. In silence, Jamie drives us home, and the moment we arrive outside the farmhouse, my mobile goes off.
“I’ll grab some outdoor gear from one of the sheds and catch ye later,” Jamie says.
I nod, step out of the car and press the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Keira, how lovely to hear from you.”
“Maddie, I’ve had a call from Callum. I’m so sorry to hear about granda.”
I switch the phone to my other ear and wait until Jamie heads off in the opposite direction.
“It’s been a nightmare,” I confess. “Alasdair suffered a cardiac arrest and is on a ventilator.”
I hear Keira take a sharp intake of breath. “Oh, no, how awful. Is he going to be okay?”
“We don’t know for sure. The nurses couldn’t tell us much, but they did say he’s in a stable condition for now.”
“At least that sounds positive. Callum sounded in a panic when he phoned. He asked if I was willing to hold the fort a little longer. As if he needed to ask.”
I head over to the farmhouse and open the front door. “He’d have wanted to put my mind at rest. But I know you’re always there for us.”
“That goes without saying. And the shop should be the least of your worries.”
“It is,” I admit. “I need to focus on supporting my family the best I can right now.”
“Exactly. It’s going to be a rough ride for everyone.”
“I know, and I pray he makes it through.”
“He will. He’s made of stern stuff.”
“For once, I hope you’re right.”
I hear the distinct tinkle of the shop bell in the background.
“I have to go, there’s a customer waiting,” Keira says. “Ring me, as soon as you have an update.”
“I will,” I promise, and Keira ends the call.
I look around the empty kitchen. The fire has gone out and all the warmth of the house seems to have disappeared along with Alasdair. I realise, perhaps not for the first time, how important granda is to the farm, to all of us.
I pick up an old wicker basket and go outside to where a pile of firewood is stacked high against the wall. I shiver and stare up at the sky. It’s overcast and leaden. My gaze follows
a single snowflake as it lazily falls to the ground. I’m surprised when it doesn’t melt away. It’s followed by another, this one too drifting idly along on the breeze before it lands by my feet. I gather the logs into the rattan basket as a multitude of snowflakes now fall from the sky, and I’m soon back inside, closing the door against them with a shiver.
I busy myself at the hearth, lighting a fire, enjoying watching the kitchen come back to life, then I wash my hands and go over to the fridge. I take out two slices of Gammon and a couple of fresh eggs. I’m hunting around for a frying pan when I hear the front door open.
“Perfect timing,” I say, bending down to open a cupboard door and pushing a pile of old pots to one side, trying to locate the elusive pan. “I’m just about to make us something to eat.”
“Great, I’ve been on the road all day. I’m famished.”
I jump to my feet in surprise. “Callum, is that you?” and I accidently bang my elbow on the handle of the oven door. “Ouch, that hurts,” I cry out.
“Sorry? Are you okay? I didn’t mean to startle you.”
I rub my arm and smile. “I’m sure I’ll live. How did you manage to get back so soon?”
“I put my foot down and thankfully the traffic wasn’t too bad. Is there any news on granda?”
I hurry over and plant a warm kiss on his lips. “The nurse says he’s stable. If he’s the same in the morning, they’ll wean him off the ventilator.”
“That sounds promising. But I need to see him for myself.”
“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you popping in under the circumstances. They’d understand. It’s just the nurse said he needs as much rest as possible.”
Callum’s shoulders appear to sag, and I read the disappointment written all over his face.
I put my arms around him and give him a hug. “Why don’t you go to the hospital and put your mind at ease?”
“I want to. I’m scared he might die.”
I stroke the back of his hair, as though comforting a child, and then let him go. “And you’re worried that you never got the chance to say goodbye?”
He drops his gaze and I give him yet another hug.
“I understand. But have something to eat before you leave.” I go back to the fridge and pull out another slice of gammon, then reach inside a cupboard and pull out an extra tea cup.
“Where’s Jamie?” Callum asks.
I fill the kettle, put it onto the stove and switch on the gas. “I think he went to feed the horses.”
“No, I doubt that, not now snow’s falling. He’ll be bringing the fold closer to the farm.”
“Oh, I didn’t realise.”
Callum takes a step towards the hallway. “There’s an area of sheltered land closer to home, where the snow doesn’t drift. I should go and help him.”
“What about granda?”
“I’ll go once the fold has been brought to lower ground.”
I nod and switch off the gas. “Sure. Shall I come with you?”
He shakes his head. “No, there’s no need. The snow’s coming down hard. Stay indoors and keep warm.”
I smile at his thoughtfulness. “Okay, and I’ll cook as soon as you both get back.”
Callum’s phone goes off in his pocket. I can tell by the sound it’s a text message. He delves inside and pulls out his Smartphone and glances down at the screen.
“Work stuff?” I ask.
He nods and thrusts the mobile back inside his pocket. “It’s nothing that won’t wait,” and he leaves the house.
I switch on the radio and busy myself by peeling potatoes and chopping green beans and carrots. My occasional glance outside the kitchen window confirming the snow is falling thick and fast. But then I see a dark silhouetted face within the glass, one that’s not mine, but Ally’s. I desperately want to talk to Callum about her, to put this unexpected episode to bed, but granda’s our main priority right now and so it must wait.
I put the potatoes and vegetables into saucepans and leave them sitting on the stove, then go over to one of the fireside chairs and sit and wait for the men to return, but I simply can’t get Ally out of my head.
Jumping to my feet, I head over to the front door, find a pair of boots with a thick sole and put them on. I grab my coat, hat and gloves and head outside, shocked to see the trees laden with snow. I head down to the stables. At least if I get the horses fed it’ll be one less job for Jamie and Callum to worry about.
The wind has dropped, the world out here now seeming calm and peaceful, and I smile to myself. I’m almost at the stable block when the wind whips up from nowhere and carries a sound—voices. I stop to listen.
“That’s impossible.”
“I knew you wouldn’t believe me, but I’m telling you it’s true.”
I creep behind the stable block and closer to the main farm buildings. Turning a corner, my heart skips a beat.
Callum is standing by one of the corrugated sheds, talking to someone I can’t quite see, his body blocking my view. I take a step closer, snow crunching underfoot. Their voices rise; they’re arguing. Callum’s back is towards me and I watch his arms fly up into the air. I’m terrified of what I may overhear yet still I put one foot in front of the other. Slowly, I make my way towards him, and when I’m roughly six feet away, my stomach heaves as Callum’s white breath rises into the once more still air.
“I’m telling you, she isn’t having an affair with Jamie.”
He moves slightly to one side and my heart lurches in my chest—he’s with Ally.
“But I’ve seen the way they are together,” she says.
“I don’t care what you think you’ve seen; I know you’re just looking for an excuse to make me leave her.”
Ally shoves her hands deeper into her coat pockets and lets out a sigh.
“Either way, it’s time Maddie learned the truth.”
“Don’t make me do this,” Callum says.
“You don’t have a choice. You have to tell her.”
“You know I can’t. It will kill her.”
“But you can’t keep living a lie,” to which Callum lets out a deep sigh.
“I hear what you’re saying, but if she finds out what’s happened between us, it’ll destroy her.”
I look down at my hands, jittering of their own accord, and clench my fingers into fists to try and make them stop. I clear my throat but the wind whips away the sound. “Callum,” I then say, “what are you doing here with Ally?”
His shoulders arch, as though a cat-o-nine tails had just sliced through the skin on his back, then he seems to recover and spins around to face me. His eyes are wide, and his mouth drops open at the sight of me.
“Maddie. What are you doing here?”
I back away, no longer wishing to hear anything he has to say, but Ally takes a bold step forward and points a gloved finger in my direction.
“Callum, you need to explain everything—now.”
“I’m going back to the house,” I say, my terror rising a notch.
“Jesus, Ally,” Callum hisses. “This is not how she should learn the truth.”
“I don’t want to know,” I cry, shaking my head, hearing my own panic rising in my voice and hardly able to breathe.
He rushes towards me, but I hold my hands out to make him stop.
“Stay away from me,” I plead. “Just don’t touch me.”
“I’m so sorry, Maddie. I never meant to hurt you.”
“You’re having an affair?” I say, astonished. “How? When?” then I turn away from him, ready to run, but he lunges and grabs my arm. He pulls me so hard I whizz around to face him.
“No, it’s not like that. I’m not having an affair,” he cries.
I stare at him as though he’s told a big fat lie, but then I feel my brows furrow, and for a brief moment, a sense of relief washes over me. “But…I…don’t…”
“Tell her, and get it all out into the open,” Ally interjects, and Callum’s hands slide up to my shoulders.
“I’m sorry, Maddie, there’s no easy way to say it, so I’m just going to come straight out with it.”
I nod, like one of those dippers that can be won at the fair.
“Okay, I’m listening,” I finally whimper.
Callum takes a deep breath. “Six years ago, before we got together, I was in a long-term relationship with Ally.” His eyes shoot towards the vet and then back at me.
“As you’ve probably guessed, it didn’t work out and we went our separate ways. Ally found herself a job in Chelmsford and I relocated. We stayed in contact because we both wanted to remain friends.”
“Yet…you never told me about her. Why?”
Callum shrugs. “No reason other than I didn’t wish to mix the past with the present.”
I lick my lips. “So, what changed? Why is Ally adamant she wants you back? Do you want to be with her? Is that it?”
He lets go of me then and glances down at his feet and shakes his head, but then he looks me straight in the eye. “It’s far more complicated than that. I received a call from Ally a few weeks after you and I hooked up together. She said she needed to see me.” For a moment he hesitates, takes another deep breath.
“I lied to you. I said I had to go away on business, but the truth was…I was meeting Ally. That’s when she dropped the bombshell.”
I stare at him for the longest time. I don’t want to ask the obvious question, but my lips move without my consent.
“What bombshell?” I croak.
Callum gives me a pleading look and presses his hands to the back of his neck. “God, Maddie, I never meant any of this to happen.”
“TELL ME. WHAT BOMBSHELL?”
“That…that…Ally was pregnant with my child when we split up.”
His words hit me so hard it’s as though I’ve taken a physical blow. My eyelids flutter as I take in their full impact, feeling like I’ve just stepped off the waltzers. Everything’s spinning.
“But that’s impossible,” I rasp. “We both know you can’t…”
“Have kids? Yes. That’s true, but the irony is that I caught mumps after she fell pregnant.”
“And before you met me?”
Two Kinds Of Truth Page 18