Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse

by M. D. Cooper

  “Then I’ll have her taken down to the lab and dismantled. Just you try and stop me from doing that, Jacobson.”

  Johnnie stood up and approached the commandant. “Oh, I don’t think so. You see, I had a nice long chat with my cell mate while I was doing hard time in your little S&M dungeon down there.”

  The commandant gritted his teeth. He already knew what was coming.

  Johnnie walked around Lords in a circle, like a detective revealing the killer. “Apparently, C.O.R.A. here used to be a crew member on Captain Rickard’s old ship, the Formidable. She’s supposed to be some kind of top secret prototype superweapon my dad ordered to be built.”

  Everyone’s attention swung back to C.O.R.A. again, but she didn’t seem to be bothered by the revelation. “That is correct.”

  Johnnie continued. “They had some issues with her interactions with the rest of the crew, so they sent her here hoping to straighten her out.”

  Lieutenant Bravhart finally decided to chime in. “So?”

  “So, when dear old dad calls to disown me because I’m being sent to prison and I’ve disgraced the family name again, yada-yada-yada...” Johnnie put his arm around the commandant. “...I may just have to let him in on the fact that old Lardbutt here took apart his pet project because he got caught with his unit in her cookie jar. So to speak.”

  Lords sounded threatening now. “You wouldn’t...”

  The cadets regarded their commandant as if he’d gone insane. Reg was especially taken aback. “Oh, he would. He most certainly would.”

  “Without a doubt,” Shannon agreed.

  “Definitely.” Tonga added.

  Even Bravhart had to admit it. “He wouldn’t hesitate. Sir.”

  Johnnie slapped the commandant on the back—really hard. “So! This is how this little scenario plays out: I get to stay here at the Academy with my new friends, and this latest unfortunate incident is completely forgotten, erased, and expunged from the system. Reg doesn’t get into any trouble whatsoever, and his record stays clean.”

  After a pause, the commandant agreed reluctantly. “Done.”

  “Not so fast. I’m not finished. You guys stop trying to railroad Tonga into being one of your security goons when he clearly just wants to help people. To a fault.”

  The commandant shrugged. “That sounds easy enough.”

  Johnnie walked over to Shannon. “And Cadet Roberts here gets a medal.”

  “That’s preposterous. For what?”

  “For being the best damn hall monitor the Academy has ever seen.” He turned to the others. “Am I right?”

  The others enthusiastically nodded in agreement and cheered Shannon on as she blushed and smiled wide at Johnnie.

  “Plus, C.O.R.A. gets to keep all of her orifices commandant-free for the rest of her time here. No more maintenance sessions.”

  “Fine. I was going to stop that anyway now that I know they were being recorded. Is that all?”

  Johnnie looked up like he was thinking really hard. “Now that you mention it, there is one last thing...”

  ***

  Lieutenant Bravhart sat, stewing on the hard bench in the same cell that Johnnie had occupied earlier.

  Two brig security guards pulled Captain Rickard up to the cell door and powered down the force field. When they helped him into the cell, he could barely stand. He wobbled over near Bravhart, looking nearly as green as Johnnie’s horned playmate.

  Bravhart recoiled, but felt sorry for the man. “Captain, are you all right?”

  “I think...I might’ve...had one too many—” Rickard gagged, then retched as he lurched forward toward Bravhart.

  Outside the cell, the guards’ expressions turned to disgust and then horror as they looked away from what sounded like buckets full of vomit splashing around the cell.

  Bravhart screamed.

  ***

  Back at StarChuck’s, the hangout was bustling with cadets as they unwound at the end of a long day. Chuck dropped off some beverages to the table where Shannon, Reg, Tonga, and C.O.R.A. sat.

  Shannon wore a giant medal around her neck, and Tonga wore a blue medical uniform instead of his former security red.

  On the vid screen, the news was showing the violence on Decimus Two. Shannon watched the screen for a moment. “Apparently, the princess has been declared the new Monarch by the people. She’s going to hold a hugely expensive coronation and waste more money the planet doesn’t have. I can’t believe they gave up their democracy so quickly.”

  “Johnnie giveth and Johnnie taketh away, I guess.” Reg said.

  Shannon looked around the coffee house. “Speaking of Johnnie, where is he? I was going to buy him a cup of coffee.”

  Tonga looked around as well. “Yes. I thought he was going to join us.”

  Reg finished his first sip of coffee and pulled a long hair out of his mouth. “He was. He probably just got hung up doing something important.”

  ***

  Johnnie lay naked in bed in another dorm room, his arm around another incredibly hot, green-skinned, horned female alien. The way the sheets were wrapped around them, they’d obviously just finished a rigorous session. Johnnie looked out the window at the stars as he finished a line. “—tier. These are the journeys of...no, wait. These are the voy—”

  He stopped midsentence and turned to the girl. “Hold on a sec. You’re not related to Cadet Ramses, are you?”

  The girl gave an “ew” expression along with her reply. “No way!”

  Relieved, Johnnie snuggled up close to her. “Oh, Good.”

  “That would be disgusting, considering he’s my boyfriend.”

  Johnnie’s eyes went wide and he bolted upright as he heard the door to the dorm room slide open.

  Standing there, sure enough, was Cadet Ramses. “What the hells?”

  >Galactic Alliance for a Better Tomorrow Network

  >>SEARCH: Star Academy Database

  >>>Username: StarBoner69

  >>>Please Enter Password: **********

  >>>Error: Incorrect Username or Password

  >>>Remember, passwords must contain at least two of the following: Number, Special Character, Capital Letter, Jenohvian Hieroglyph, Dynastic Emblem, or Quoruzine Symbol

  >>>Re-enter Password: **********

  >>>Welcome to the Star Academy Database! Remember, all information is classified and unauthorized dissemination will result in swift prosecution. Penalties range from fines starting at 7 credits plus community service to immediate execution by agonizing vaporization via tactical drone or murder kick squad. Do you accept the terms of service? https://www.apple.com/legal/internet-services/itunes/us/terms.html

  >[Accept]

  >[Hell, no—get me out of here]

  >>>THE STAR ACADEMY

  >>ACADEMY GROUNDS/BUILDING

  The Academy itself is built on a virtually airless moon, Forcus Three, which was donated by Forcus Prime to the Galactic Alliance because it was the most worthless piece of real estate in the sector. So there are no actual external grounds to speak of, and what “grounds” can be seen through the ports in various rooms, basically a desolate landscape and a black star field above it, occasionally showing one of the other four moons, or Forcus Prime. The lack of grounds makes it easier for the students to concentrate on their studies instead of playing outside.

  Inside the facility are classrooms, lecture halls, student dorm rooms, the flight deck, the faculty quarters, the commandant’s office, common rooms, and “StarChuck's”.

  “StarChuck’s” is an independently operated facility that caters to both the Academy staff and its students. It is run by a furry alien, Archuckawalah (“Chuck”), who based his establishment on a franchise he found in the Old Earth Database.

  >>THE FACULTY

  >Commandant Richard “Dick” Lords (also known as “Lardbutt,” "Old Leadbottom,” or “Dicklord”) was an officer who was on the fast track to a brilliant career, when he accidently fired on a civilian luxury transport dur
ing a war games exercise. Deciding to “save” his career, the review board assigned him as commandant of the Academy, but Lords is always looking for a way to spin his career back into the limelight and is forever trying to find ways to please the brass...without performing too much work or putting himself in any kind of danger, of course.

  >Lieutenant Corillius Bravhart is the administrative assistant to the Commandant. Bravhart is a yes-man, suck up, by the-book-type and basically spends his time hovering around the Commandant and obeying his every whim. He may act like he knows what he’s doing when dealing with students or underlings, but he’s actually the very model of incompetence.

  >Archuckawalah “Chuck” is proprietor/chief cook/bartender/waiter of StarChuck’s, the place where the gang hangs out. He is a seven-foot-tall hairball, with no visible face, but has two long arms and short legs with big, booted feet. He wears no clothing, except for his boots, a tiny hairnet on the top of his head, and a belt with various cooking utensils.

  >Captain Brent Rickard is the Weapons/Defense Arts Teacher. Captain Rickard was once an outstanding leader and a highly decorated hero, but unfortunately his last mission to stop a native uprising caused him to suffer a massive burn out. The Captain was a very popular, poster type hero to public and the media. Fleet Command decided to retire Captain Rickard to a “teaching position” so that they could keep his public image for funding the Academy. While Captain Rickard has flashes of his former glory on occasion he has basically become a space-hippie.

  >Fracacas Fromage is the Linguistics Teacher, a genderless sage-type character, who speaks backwards in not very good Standard (i.e.: English) but s/he is the one who most relates with the students.

  >Mrs. Schuump is Commandant Lords’ ancient secretary. Her species lives for centuries, and she predates not only the Academy, but the Galactic Alliance. Her tall eyestalks allow her to keep an eye on everything in the office.

  >Admiral Forsythe “The Admiral” Jacobson is Johnnie’s father, and one of the top officers in the Galactic Alliance Fleet. He made the decision to sacrifice his family for his career early on (before Johnnie was even born, in fact), and that decision is now coming back to haunt him. Although Johnnie is constantly embarrassing him, he does everything he can to make sure his son’s exploits aren’t publicized, which often means sweeping them under the rug. When someone in the Galactic Alliance mentions “The Admiral” rather than naming an officer, it’s a sure bet they’re talking about Jacobson.

  >>THE STUDENTS

  >Cadet Jonathon “Johnnie” Jacobson comes across as just an average guy, but he’s really much more. His parents divorced while his father was a lieutenant, as his father was more interested in pursuing his career, so his mother returned to Earth and gave birth to their son. After all of his father’s years in the service, he was promoted to Admiral, and everyone now refers to him as simply “The Admiral.” During his high school years, Johnnie made good grades and played sports, but never joined any of the cliques. When he graduated high school, his father came and told him that it was time for him to join the Star Academy. His father is a straight arrow, and has always gone “by the book.” Johnnie is nothing like him. His grades have always been spectacular—off the charts spectacular. But he has panache for getting into trouble. His latest stunt, stealing an Interplanetary Patrol Cruiser and taking it for a joyride, has landed him in a heap of trouble. It wouldn’t have been so bad had he not crashed it into the Temple of Seraph on Decimus Two during the wedding of the Monarch’s daughter. This resulted in a revolution on Decimus Two, leading to the overthrow and beheading of the Monarch, which caused the people of the planet to worship Johnnie. But it also led to Decimus Two leaving the Alliance along with its numerous and rich resources. Because of his father’s standing, the judge gave Johnnie the choice between prison and Star Academy. He chose prison. The Admiral sent him to the Academy anyway.

  >Cadet C.O.R.A. is an android, built by the Terradyne Institute of Technology and Systems for the Alliance Spy Corp. C.O.R.A. is an acronym for Cybernetic Oral Response Android. She was built four years ago as a weapons platform and when she developed a consciousness she and the project were shut down. Someone erased her memory of being a weapon and glitches in her personality (multiple personalities) made her useless for that program, but perfect for officer training! She was transferred from Captain Rickard’s ship, the Formidable, to the Academy for such training. C.O.R.A. is considered extremely beautiful by human (and some other species) standards. She speaks in a very straightforward manner and does not understand the sexual attraction she causes in other beings, especially human males. Reg especially has a crush on her. She is incapable of lying or false hood and speaks very eloquently but very bluntly as well. While she appears human, even sans uniform or clothing, she has various devices housed in her body, some of a lethal nature, that spring up at improper moments.

  >Cadet Shannon A. “Shan” Roberts is a chronic overachiever, a straight ‘A’ Student, very book wise and very “street” sharp. Instead of using her abilities in the technical fields, she decided that she wants to be a security chief and has far excelled at security training. She was the youngest student ever to enter the Academy, and she plans on one day becoming the youngest security chief and, eventually, the youngest captain in Alliance Fleet history. While being quite good looking, she is more than capable of laying out any opponent foolish enough to take her on. She is straight-laced, and on track to a career in security with the Alliance Fleet. She puts up with no shenanigans, and can handle herself. Shan is the complete opposite of Johnnie…which leads to a lot of sexual tension.

  >Cadet Reginald J. “Reg” Christopher III – Reg comes from a very, very wealthy family from the 90210 Sector, and he is a legacy. His father and grandfather both attended Star Academy and mastered Quantum-Molecular Physics. The Science Building is named after the family, because of heavy donations. Reg, however, is seen as being sub-par in science in comparison, and very timid and unsure of himself. Because of his bad luck, most of his experiments end up doing the opposite of what he wants them to do. The only reason he made it to the Academy was because of the family legacy. He really doesn’t know when to shut up, or when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and still voices (a usually wrong) opinion. Reg is not above sucking up or bribing people to get his way. Due to poor eyesight, his family financed a research project to create a visual prosthesis for him to wear that actually makes his eyesight far better than that of a normal human. However, due to his bad luck and clumsiness, he often breaks the visor and is constantly having to repair it.

  >Cadet Tonga Rad is from a heavy gravity world, Orifice (pronounced “Ore-i-fich-ee”, but Johnnie always teases him about it). Very muscularly built, he basically looks like an enormous football player. Tonga is always breaking furniture because of his mass. Orificeans are always marked for security careers because of their size and temper, but Tonga is different. He’s a big teddy bear, and his dream is pursuing a medical career even though he arrived at the Academy on a sports scholarship and most people think he should be in security. Tonga has a very serious and even temperament but is strong willed. Most people see his as a “jock” but he is way smarter than he lets on.

  >Senior Cadet Ramses is the Academy’s top student athlete and the star of virtually every sport the Academy offers. He bullies other students, especially underclassmen, but gets away with it due to his popularity at the school, especially with administrators such as Commandant Lords and Lieutenant Bravhart.

  THE END

  — — —

  Want to read more by Christopher J. Valin?

  Legacy Fleet: FORMIDABLE (Kindle Worlds)

  The fleet’s most decorated captain has a secret, and Commander Vicente Zamora may not live to figure it out...

  When Commander Vicente Zamora exonerated his captain for the murder of a young officer, he thought things would get better aboard his new ship. But he soon discovers that his troubles are just beginning, as the cas
e against the XO doesn't go as smoothly as planned. To make matters worse, there's a connection to the notorious Khorsky Incident that becomes more insidious as time goes on. Meanwhile, his best friend Neil, an IDF Intel agent, is recruited for a secret mission by a super spy who is more than she appears--a mission to Vitaly Three, the scene where the Khorsky Incident took place.

  Get Legacy Fleet: Formidable here:

  Legacy Fleet: Formidable (Kindle Worlds)

  The Red Raptor Files

  The city’s greatest hero has disappeared, and it’s up to his teenage sidekick to save him...

  After the war with the Foreworlders, Backworlders scatter across the remaining planets. Competition is fierce, and pickings are scant. Scant enough that Craze’s father decides to improve his fortunes by destroying his son. He tells his only boy their moon isn’t big enough for them both and gives Craze a ticket for the next transport leaving the space dock.

  Cut off from everyone he knows with little money and no knowledge of the worlds beyond, Craze must find a way to forge a new life and make his father regret this day.

  Read the series now (2 volumes and growing):

  Get Part 1: Sidekick now for only $0.99: Sidekick: The Red Raptor Files – Part 1

  Part 2: Superteam is also available: Superteam: The Red Raptor Files – Part 2

  About the Author

  Christopher J. Valin is a writer, artist, teacher and historian living in the Los Angeles area with his wife and two children. He has written stories of all kinds since childhood, including novels, short stories, comic books, and screenplays. His biography of his 5x great-grandfather (based on his master’s thesis in military history), Fortune’s Favorite: Sir Charles Douglas and the Breaking of the Line, was published by Fireship Press.

  In addition to writing and inking for independent comic book companies and writing screenplays for production companies, Christopher has had numerous short stories published in anthologies such as Beyond the Stars: At Galaxy’s Edge andChronicle Worlds: B-Movie.