by Iris Parker
When Alton realized that the food was ready, he climbed back out of the water. I bit my lip, trying my very best not to stare, but it was very hard to look away. Even the cheesecake seemed uninteresting compared to Alton’s statuesque physique. With nothing better to do I ogled him shamelessly, admiring the tightly-packed abs that ran from below his bulging pecs to the V-lines that disappeared beneath the elastic band of his swim trunks. He shook the water from his hair, and the resulting mess somehow made him look even more devilishly handsome. He caught me staring, and gave me a furtive smile as I clutched the towel wrapped around my chest for dear life.
Our eyes were locked as he came back up to the table, my heart pounding intensely in my ears.
“Enjoy your show?” he whispered.
“No!” I denied hotly, then realized how rude that sounded. “I mean, okay, yes. But it wasn’t a show. I just needed you to…be…away.”
“Away?”
“From here. So that I wouldn’t—I mean—” I stammered, realizing he’d given me just enough rope to hang myself with. “I mean…oh, you know what I mean!”
“I really don’t,” Alton said smoothly.
Mercifully, I was saved in the end by the cheesecake. As soon as the kids saw that I was finished and Alton was back, they came zipping right over, leaving me with just a few seconds to embarrass myself before they interrupted.
Of course, it turns out that I could embarrass myself plenty in just a few seconds.
“Mom, can I start with dessert?” Ezra asked hopefully.
“You need to eat real food to keep getting your strength back,” I said automatically, thankful to be asked an easy question for once.
After that we all sat down and began eating together. The boys told us excitedly about some caves they’d spotted with Alton’s binoculars. They explained their plans in great detail, hoping to be given permission to go explore them some day soon. I loved seeing Ezra so carefree, and even though he barely looked like the healthy boy he once was, it was wonderful to so clearly see him on the road to a full recovery.
“I could take you there one day, in a couple of weeks maybe,” Alton said automatically, then threw a worried look at me. I nodded my approval, hoping it was the right call. Even with Alton around to make sure nobody got hurt, it could still be a fine line between healthy exercise for Ezra and potential over-exertion.
“A few weeks? Why not now, or tomorrow?” Ezra lamented, before wolfing down a big slice of watermelon.
“I’ve got something else to tend to first,” Alton explained cryptically. That got my curiosity piqued, but he didn’t elaborate further.
“Oh…are you going somewhere?” Ezra asked. The disappointment in his voice was clear, and I realized just how much my son had bonded with Alton. That opened up a whole new bunch of questions and doubts, but I knew that I was in no shape to tackle them. As much as I was struggling to figure out my relationship with Alton, his status with Ezra was inherently far more complex and confusing.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Alton reassured him, much to my relief. “This is way too much fun to cut short!”
“It’s great!” Ezra agreed enthusiastically. “So what are you going to be doing, then?”
“Well,” Alton began dramatically, looking back at me as he spoke. If his voice hadn’t already been a dead giveaway, the twinkle in his eyes told me that I was in deep trouble. “I’m going to be busy teaching your mom how to swim, of course.”
Jessie
“Come on, Mom! You can do it!” Ezra called, shouting out encouragement from the shore. Surrounded on all sides by water, it felt like my son’s enthusiasm was the only thing keeping me afloat.
Well, that and Alton. His strong arms were wrapped around my waist, and somehow I hadn’t managed to sink us both with my flailing even as I held on to him for dear life.
“I can’t feel the ground anymore!” I complained.
“Relax, we’re good,” Alton said encouragingly. I was pretty sure that I’d sink like a stone if he let me go for even half a second, but luckily his grip was solid. “You’re actually doing great.”
“Great?” I said, chuckling incredulously. “I have all the grace of a whale. Just get me near shore and I’ll probably end up beaching myself while I wait for rescue.”
“Well, I don’t think I’d go quite that far,” Alton said cautiously. “Whales are actually pretty good swimmers, after all.”
I laughed out loud, surprised that I was still capable of humor when I was so close to a full-blown panic. “Are you saying that I’m overestimating myself?”
“Maybe a little, about the swimming ability,” he smirked. “But you’re totally delusional about everything else. No one needs rescuing less than you do.”
Suddenly tears threatened to come, but I managed to chase the feeling away. I was already struggling with just keeping my head above water, and the last thing I needed was to make a fool of myself by crying like a scared little girl.
“Thanks,” I said, avoiding making eye contact.
“Yeah yeah, I get it. You don’t want praise, but you do deserve it. Caring for Ezra wasn’t easy, but you made it work. You kept your head above water, even when everything around you was sinking and falling apart.”
“My mom was there to help, and I’m not so sure that I kept anything from falling apart. Hiding from the problems I left in Boston doesn’t make them go away,” I said, chasing away the kind words with a dismissive jerk of my hand. The move cost me, and I lost the precarious balance that I’d managed to achieve with Alton’s help.
“You’re not hiding, I’m helping. I’ll make sure your head stays above water,” he said, catching me before I fell and lifting me onto my back. “Come on, let go. You can do this,” he said.
“It’s just—I’m not sure I can…I don’t like this,” I complained as he gently guided me back into place. Alton smiled gently, and my heart pounded in my chest with an intensity I wasn’t sure that I was up for.
I was spooked by learning how to swim, but not half as much as the direction that the conversation seemed to be headed in. It was overwhelming, and I didn’t even know where to begin with all the conflicting emotions it brought up. I could feel myself starting to sink, little by little, as Alton’s touch became progressively lighter on my back. My brain was telling me to stop this entire charade and head back to safer waters, but Alton was so insistent….
“All you need to do is let go, and you’ll float. I promise,” he said gently.
Not wanting to cause a fuss, I relaxed my neck and allowed my head to rest on top of the water. Alton’s hands moved down to my legs, helping bring my feet up towards the surface. I could feel his arms beneath my back and thighs, helping keep me balanced, but slowly he began inching them away. I held my breath, hating the sensation.
“Breathe. You’re floating,” Alton said. I locked eyes with him and reached for his hand, my fingers holding tight as the movements of the lake bobbed me up and down, shifting me further away from Alton. “I’ve got you. You’re safe,” he said in a comforting tone. “You can even close your eyes if you want. Everything is okay.”
I would’ve laughed if I hadn’t been so wound up. Instead I shook my head, making it clear that I wasn’t ready to let go like that. Down in my belly, probably triggered by the tension in my guts, the baby somersaulted. I raised my head again, this time to look down at the protruding and shifting mound of flesh that was sticking up out of the water. With a slight smile I relaxed back down to the water, happy that the baby had given me a little perspective back.
“Hey, you,” I whispered as I gently moved my hand closer, delicately placing it on my belly.
Alton’s breath caught in his throat, and when I looked up to him I saw that his eyes were locked on my stomach. I looked down again, and saw that the baby was moving so much that my whole belly was moving along with her. Alton’s face had gone pale, but his expression was filled with even more intensity than usual.
A b
all of pure emotion surged up in my chest. Alton had never been this close to the baby—I’d never quite let it happen. There hadn’t been any time, or any room in my head, for that. But now there was just this, the awed look of a man eager for contact with his unborn child.
“Well, at least one of us seems to be enjoying this,” I tried to joke. But my words barely registered with Alton, who was still staring at the rippling movements with reverence. I realized that this was the first time he’d even seen the baby move, and that what was for me an everyday occurrence was a complete shock for him. His eyes darted up to me for a few seconds at a time, but otherwise remained locked on my stomach. The look on his face was just too much, and despite my better judgment I could feel the walls I’d put up beginning to crumble. “Want to touch it?” I asked finally.
He nodded, and I brought his hand to my belly while his other arm circled around my waist to keep me steady in the water. He was hesitant at first, I noticed, delicately resting his palm on my skin as he tried to find the right spot to catch the baby’s next movements.
The devotion and amazement were plain on Alton’s face as he waited, but that gave way to a pained smile after nothing happened for a moment. “I think I missed her,” he said sadly, his hand reluctantly moving away. I reached out to stop him, gently pressing him back onto my stomach.
“Not yet. Wait,” I said. I knew that I was playing with fire, and there was a good chance I might not come out of this unscathed. But Alton deserved this chance, had a right to feel the baby as much as I did.
His baby, I corrected silently. He’d been nothing short of amazing since we reconnected in the hospital, and this was the least I could do to repay his kindness. And it wasn’t just kindness, either. He’d been devoted, non-judgmental, caring, understanding, supportive and incredibly patient.
He’d been loving.
That was the word I wanted.
And that was the word that made my gut clench, my heart pick up in my chest. My mind raced and I started to have second thoughts, wondering if this had been a terrible mistake. Deserving or not, this was dangerous. Maybe I needed to put an end to it this very second, before—
“That…,” Alton gasped, his voice cracking before giving way to a thick silence as the baby moved beneath his hand. His grasp around my waist tightened as he instinctively squeezed in closer, his breath the only sound.
“She—she’s moving,” he said after a long time, his eyes glistening with emotion as he looked back up at me. We’d been physically intimate before, that night in Atlantic City, but even the best sex of my life was a far cry from this moment, this new kind of intimacy that we were sharing.
“She is,” I agreed quietly. “Quite a bit, actually. I don’t think I’ve ever felt her moving around this much before.”
“Is it hurting you?”
“Not at all,” I explained. “At least not right now. Sometimes she kicks my ribs, but thankfully she’s nowhere near them right now.”
For the next few seconds, the baby seemed to put on an entire show for Alton. His hand moved in rhythm with the kicks and turns happening inside of me, eliciting gasps of surprise and amazement from a bewildered Alton.
But her movements ended as quickly as they had begun. In the stillness that followed, Alton hesitated to remove his hand, leaving it on my belly for a little longer. After a few seconds, it felt like something had changed, an almost imperceptible difference in the way he was touching me.
The change in his touch was subtle, but the shift in his eyes was not. They were intense and alive, and had trailed up from my belly to my breasts and then on to my neck and lips. My breath caught in my chest, and I struggled to swallow properly. The moment we’d just shared had been incredibly powerful, and I worried that the next few minutes might be equally intense if I wasn’t careful.
“Alton….”
“Mmm?” His voice was dreamy, and his eyes bore the same darkened pupils that I’d seen once before.
And here he was again, touching me while I wore nothing but a bikini.
Memories flooded back, flashes of his muscular frame heaving on top of me, his large hands cupping my breasts with a hunger that I’d never experienced before. I recalled his lips on my quivering body, his tongue encircling my most intimate parts.
I shivered, knowing that he was remembering it too. His hand moved up from my belly, towards my breast, the desire on his face plain and obvious.
I hoped my face wasn’t as easy to read.
“My feet can’t touch the ground,” I whispered desperately. “Please, I need my feet on the ground,” I pleaded, even as the hunger grew inside of me. I knew it was a mistake, but a huge part of me wanted this to happen—I needed to feel his hand on my breast, my nipples once again rolling between his rough fingers.
I needed his lips on mine.
But that would just invite trouble. It would open a door that neither of us could close, and cost me what little balance I’d managed to rebuild in my life with Alton’s help.
I moved, grabbing his hand for support as my body adjusted down floating horizontally to vertically. With a low groan he nodded, wrapping his arm around me once more to guide me back to shore. I welcomed the cold water as it slid over my feverish skin, helping dampen the heat that had erupted inside of me.
I panted for air after we got back to shore, trying to regain some semblance of rational thought. I’d played with fire out there, and had almost gotten burned in the process.
Ezra noticed we were back and jumped off the swing, his eyes full of joy and amusement as he ran over to us. “Mom! Did you learn? I told you it was easy!”
I responded with a weak smile, too rattled for words.
“Not yet,” Alton answered with a wink. “But we’re getting there.”
And that was exactly what I was afraid of.
Chapter Seven
Jessie
I got out of the shower and wrapped myself in one of the bathroom’s amazing, fluffy towels. After a lifetime of taking care of myself, I still felt incredibly guilty at the idea of someone else doing laundry for me. Nanette had been adamant that I shouldn’t help her around the house, but it still felt weird to have clean towels just magically appear every week.
That hadn’t happened even when I was young. My mother was a kind, loving person who always made sure I was safe and happy. But her job had required long hours and lots of work, and so I learned how to be independent at an early age. Even moving for college hadn’t been that big of an adjustment.
At least not until I met Stephen. After that my life had been a whirlwind of hurried romance, followed by a wedding and then finally illness and tragedy. After that, I’d become just like my mother—raising a child on my own despite a demanding job that kept me busy.
Love was amazing, but it could also hurt more than anything else.
Out on the lake, Alton had promised to help me keep my head above water. It’d been obvious he wasn’t just talking about teaching me to swim, and the words had been echoing in my ear ever since. But he was wrong. When my life fell apart, I hadn’t kept my head above water at all. The truth was that I’d sunk like a stone years ago. All Alton had seen was me being used to living on the bottom. It wasn’t so bad, once you got used to it.
I still just had enough room for love to make sure Ezra and the baby were happy. But adding Alton to the mix could only make waves. Maybe he would bring us happiness, but happiness was fleeting. It could be snatched away at any moment, destroyed in the blink of an eye.
Sometimes, you just had to choose the safest option.
And there was nothing safe about love.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with him. I adored his company, and so did Ezra. Spending the whole day with him at the lake had been the most fun I’d had in a long time. We walked back to the farmhouse under the glow of a warm sunset, and I wanted the day to never end. My wish had been granted for a while, stealing another hour together as we ate delicious barbecue on the porch tog
ether. Sitting next to Alton with a cold root beer in hand, it had been the perfect end to a wonderful day.
But that day was over now. Ezra was safely tucked into bed and I was here alone, remembering all the pain that love had brought over the years. Watching Stephen die, and then almost losing Ezra as well. And it’s not as if those around me had fared any better. Even my mom had been left to fend for herself when my father left us, never to return or offer any kind of support. From what little I'd been able to gather, Alton’s own childhood had been an absolute nightmare. On the very rare occasion when he allowed himself to talk about it, the pain in his eyes always seemed fresh.
And the higher you go, the further you fall when it ends.
Alton and I would have a very, very long way to fall.
I didn’t think I could survive that, not again.
Casting the towel aside, I sighed. I’d only been out of the shower for a few minutes and already I was beginning to feel sweaty. The cool breeze from earlier today was long gone, replaced with still air and sweltering humidity. Most of my clothes were too hot for this weather, and my options were limited.
My only choice was a thin cotton nightgown that I almost hadn’t taken on the trip. Full of lace and a plunging v-neck, it bordered on looking indecent now that my body had changed so much. It had been cute once upon a time, loose and airy, but now it felt tight against my stomach. Between the pregnancy and all the rich food Alton and Nanette kept feeding me, I barely fit into it anymore.
Ignoring how ridiculous I looked, I shook my head and braided my hair in a loose, low side braid. I’d tortured myself enough for one night, and it was time for bed. My doctor, my mother, Alton, Nanette, pretty much everyone all agreed with one thing—that I needed food, rest, and sleep.