by Iris Parker
I wanted to speak, but I had no words. My mind was blank, and as much as there was that still needed to be said, somehow none of it felt right. Not compared to this.
Not compared to heaven.
Alton
“And then when I finally got a bite, the fish pulled back on the rod so hard I thought it was going to catch me!” Ezra explained, a glint of pure joy in his eyes as he recounted his latest fishing expedition with Pete. The amazing smell of grilled salmon came out of the kitchen, and I silently thanked Pete for the triple blessing. Not only had he helped catch the great meal we were all sure to enjoy, he’d also kept Ezra happy and entertained while doing it.
Not to mention convincing the boy that catching salmon would be worth the trip away from the lake, giving Jessie and me plenty of privacy while we were home alone together.
I watched from the living room as Jessie scuttled around the kitchen’s center island and pulled a tray of roasted Brussels sprouts out from the oven. I was still amazed that she had somehow convinced Nanette to allow her into the kitchen, but then, Jessie always amazed me. She was still as gorgeous as ever, and no matter how familiar I got with her body, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
Not to mention my hands, my lips, my cock, my tongue….
Being with Jessie was bliss, but I still wanted more of her.
I always wanted more.
“You’re not even listening,” Ezra complained with a long sigh. I looked at him with feigned surprise, trying my best to shake off the intense memories.
“Yes I am,” I argued.
“You keep looking at my mom,” he said, and it struck me that maybe Ezra wasn’t quite as oblivious about what was going on as we’d reassured ourselves. I swallowed, a lump already forming in my throat.
There was still quite a lot that Ezra deserved to know, but the timing had been all wrong—when I first met him, he was still incredibly sick and fragile. Introducing myself as his biological dad would’ve been a huge shock, and even Jessie hadn’t been able to say for sure how he’d handle the news. There were other priorities, and his paternity came a very distant second to his health. He needed to focus on his recovery, not on me.
And, in a way, I’d been in the same situation myself. I was so focused on Ezra’s recovery from the moment I met him that I hadn’t had much time for introspection or anything else. I’d fully expected an existential crisis when the news sank in about how I’d become a dad overnight, but it just…hadn’t. I’d been too worried for Ezra to feel bad for myself, and by the time he’d made a recovery, I’d already adjusted to the situation. I rarely even thought about it anymore; Jessie, Ezra, and the baby were simply part of my life now.
We still needed to tell Ezra the truth about who I was, and about my relationship with his mother…just as soon as we figured out what that relationship was.
“Does it bother you?” I asked Ezra, the lump in my throat growing tighter.
“No, but it’s kind of gross.”
“Gross?”
“Yeah, she’s…a girl,” he said, rolling his eyes and scrunching his nose in disgust.
I chuckled. That much, at least, I knew quite well. And unlike Ezra, who still hadn’t hit puberty, I loved it. I opened my mouth to argue, but he’d already distracted himself by picking up the controller to play a game.
I could hardly blame him for that, I supposed. I’d been the one to get distracted first, after all. But I couldn’t help it. Jessie was captivating, beautiful, and right there.
With Ezra now busy, my eyes immediately flitted back to the kitchen to steal another glance. Everything about Jessie fascinated me—from the way she spoke with a very subtle lisp that nobody else seemed to notice, to the way she was walking with one hand on her stomach.
She did look a little pale, though. I made a note that we'd need to get some fresh air again soon, maybe even another picnic—
Jessie stumbled into a chair, her face contorted with pain and intense focus. I jumped from the couch, leaving a very confused Ezra behind as I rushed straight to the kitchen to see what was wrong.
“Are you okay?” I called, crouching down to my knees so we’d be face to face. Up close I could see that she looked more than a little pale, she was white as a sheet.
Jessie’s eyes were squeezed shut, her entire face a grimace of pain. She did not respond to my question, worrying me further.
“Jessie? Jessie?” I asked, my heart beating so fast in my chest that I felt like I could barely breathe. She still didn’t acknowledge me, or even move at all, which pushed me further towards panic.
I was already considering calling 911 when Nanette finally came over. She just looked at me and sighed, her calm demeanor at odds with the obvious crisis in front of me.
“She’s fine,” Nanette said, waving her fingers back towards the living room to shoo me away. “But she doesn’t need anyone pestering her right now. Go bother someone else.”
Ignoring the insane order, I touched Jessie’s forehead gently. Her skin was moist, small beads of sweat forming around her scalp. My heart felt like it was going to explode with worry, and I didn’t understand why Nanette was so calm about it.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked, standing back up to face the older woman. “Can’t you see her? She’s obviously not fine! I need to go call a doctor.”
Before I could leave, Nanette grabbed me by the shoulder as if to stop me. “Alton…,” she said, but I couldn’t stop staring at Jessie’s twisted face. She was lost in her own world, suffering, not moving or talking or anything else.
Nanette’s calloused hand reached out for my chin, tilting my head up in order to force me to look at her.
“Nothing bad is happening to her, Alton,” she said in a calm voice. “You need to trust this.”
This?
A surge of blood reached my head, making me dizzy and disoriented. Surely she couldn’t mean that.
“Is she…is she…?” I mumbled. I was in no shape to form a coherent thought, let alone a complete sentence.
“Having contractions,” Nanette finished for me. “Yes.”
I blinked a couple of times. That explained why Jessie was acting this way, but it didn’t explain why everyone else was so calm.
Who could be calm at a time like this?
“She is?” My voice sounded strangled and anxious. “Does it mean that…?” I couldn't quite bring myself to say the words. They seemed terrifying now.
“It doesn't mean much, I’m afraid,” Nanette replied with an apologetic smile, but something about her comforting tone only put me further on edge. “We’re timing them, but it could mean anything. Maybe it’ll be tonight. Maybe it’ll be tomorrow. And maybe it’s just a false alarm.”
I desperately tried to recall everything I could about labor from those pregnancy books, but it all evaded me now. I took a deep breath and tried to gather my thoughts. When I reopened them, some of the pain from Jessie’s face had faded and she was looking at me.
It wasn’t much, but it was enough that I felt like I could at least breathe again.
“Listen to her,” Jessie said, her eyebrows still pressed in together. “I’ll be fine.”
“When did the contractions start?” I asked, still searching Jessie’s face for any further signs of distress. But she was very quickly looking like her old self, making me wonder just how long this had been going on for.
“About an hour,” Jessie explained, the color returning to her cheeks. “I just wanted to be sure it wasn’t a fluke.”
“What’s the time?” Nanette asked, retrieving a pen and notepad from the middle of her apron.
“Time?” I wasn’t sure what they were talking about, and I didn’t like it one bit. It felt as if everything was evading me.
“A bit over twelve minutes,” Jessie answered before turning her attention back to me. “Calm down. You look worse than I do. We’ve got this under control. We’re timing the contractions to see if they’re getting closer, which should give us an
idea about whether or not labor is actually coming.”
“Are they getting closer?” I asked, not sure what I wanted to hear. No matter what the answer was, it would surely bring a flood of new questions.
Nanette and Jessie looked at each other for a split second.
“They are,” Jessie finally admitted. “And that means I’m going to go get ready.”
Before I could process the news, Jessie was already on her way to the bedroom. I felt like a frazzled mess, confused and more lost than I could remember feeling in a very long time. One question rose above all the others, and I managed to find the words for it.
“Does that mean what I think it means?”
“Yes, it probably does,” Nanette said with a calm that I envied. A mother of three herself, pregnancy and labor probably held no mystery for her any longer.
For me, on the other hand….
“You should eat,” she said simply, handing me a plate of grilled salmon covered in lemon and roasted Brussels sprouts.
“Are you crazy?” I asked. Food was the last thing on my mind, far below the panic, fear, and excitement that were all competing to take over.
“This is going to be a long night,” Nanette said. “And you of all people should know that it’s important to keep your strength up. Eat now, you might not get another chance for a long time.”
I looked at the plate and sighed. She was right, but I had no intention of following her advice. There was absolutely no way I could leave Jessie to face this alone—I would’ve starved for weeks before allowing that to happen.
Following Jessie’s footsteps, I crossed the long hallway that led to her room. The door was slightly ajar, and I entered without knocking. Jessie was standing in front of the floor-length mirror, resting her head on the smooth glass surface. Her back was to me, and I could hear small sobs escaping her lips.
She was crying.
“Jessie?”
With a yelp of surprise, she spun around, quickly wiping the tears away with her sleeve.
“I’m—I’m all right,” she blurted out, a completely unconvincing smile plastered all over her face.
“Are you in pain?”
“Not yet,” she explained, her voice unsteady and small. “Not for another couple of minutes.”
“Why are you crying?”
“I…uh…,” she said haltingly, pausing to run her hands over her face. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’m just being stupid and emotional, I guess,” she stuttered. “Hormones. You know.”
I didn’t buy that, but this didn’t seem like either the time or the place to argue about it. Between the impending labor and birth, and now Jessie’s sudden breakdown, I was really starting to worry. I hadn’t seen her like this since the darkest hours of Ezra’s illness, and seeing her cry was wreaking havoc in my heart.
“Are you really okay, sweetie?” I asked, hoping I could find some way to help.
Jessie turned away from me, then nodded so violently that I wondered if she was trying to convince me or herself. I bridged the few steps separating us and put my hands on her shoulders, kissing the top of her head as reassuringly as I could.
“You’ll do fine, I’m sure. We will do fine,” I said.
“Will—will you…,” Jessie said, but she didn’t finish her question. A fresh batch of tears began to stream down her face. I ran my thumb across her cheeks and wiped them away, wishing I could do the same with her fears.
“Yes, of course I will be there with you,” I said with more self-confidence than I probably should’ve had. The truth was that we hadn’t discussed it, and I hadn’t thought about it that much. But now that the time had come, I couldn’t imagine it going any other way.
Jessie’s sobs redoubled and I pulled her into my arms.
“It’s going to be okay, sweetie,” I repeated, kissing her tenderly on the forehead.
“You are the most amazing man,” she stuttered through her tears. “I’m so sorry for everything….”
“Jessie,” I said, tilting her head up so I could look her straight in the eyes. “You know you don’t have to be sorry. You did what you thought was right, and it worked out in the end. I feel like the happiest man on earth.”
I punctuated my little speech with another kiss, this time on her lips. Knowing what Jessie was about to go through was heart-wrenching. Through her tears, she kissed me back with desperation.
“Alton,” she said, barely finishing my name before gasping sharply. “I want you to know that whatever happens next…,” she began, contorting her face with pain as she moved her hand to her belly. “Whatever happens next…,” she tried again, but she was out of breath.
“I know,” I reassured, guiding her to the bed so she could ride the contraction out in as much comfort as possible. “You don’t need to say anything. Please relax.”
“I do…I do…” she whispered, her eyes lost in pain.
“It’s okay. Whatever it is, you can tell me later. For now, just focus on getting through tonight.”
“No, I—” Jessie argued, her sputtering speech turning into a long, pained groan. She slammed her palms into the bed, grabbing the sheets with two big fists. Even I could see the contractions visible in her belly, her entire body one big ball of tension and agony. Her face was pale again, her eyes closed and her breathing labored.
I was a little better prepared this time, and I could finally remember a little of what I’d read about this.
“Remember to breathe,” I reminded her gently, modeling how to take big, long breaths. Jessie clutched at her stomach and groaned again, curling herself inward. I moved my hand to her lower back, applying some pressure as I’d learned. As Jessie moaned into the contraction, I did my best to control the wild shaking of my hands and the wild beating of my heart.
A few minutes later, all signs of pain were gone and she had regained color on her face once again.
“They’re getting stronger,” she explained as she stroked her belly. “That one was the worst yet.”
“We need to get going, then,” I replied as I grabbed the small bag that Jessie had prepared for the hospital. With a nod, she followed behind me, closing the bedroom door after a moment’s hesitation at its threshold.
“Alton.”
The tone in her voice was enough to make me stop in my tracks, even as my entire being urged me to move as fast as possible. I turned to face her, and saw in her wide eyes a world of fragility and fear. Once again I wished that I could help more, to take on some of this pain for her so that she wouldn’t need to bear it alone. But all I could do was swallow my own fears, and promise myself to be there for her.
“Yes?” I answered.
“Just…just thank you,” she said, her voice sad and distant.
I dropped the bag on the floor, wrapping my arms around her instead. But instead of returning the gesture she just froze, unmoving save for her trembling.
I didn’t know much about labor. Almost nothing, in fact. But it didn’t take an expert to understand what was going on—Jessie was afraid, and that this sudden melancholy was a result.
Or at least that’s what I believed at the time.
In truth, Jessie wasn’t the only one who was afraid that night.
And just like love, fear can make you blind.
Maybe that’s why I didn’t see it coming.
Jessie
The door closed behind Alton, and I took my first real breath since Chloe’s birth a few hours before. I took a peek at her, resting in the little see-through bassinet that the hospital had provided us. With her round face and deep stare, she was beautiful—as perfect as her dad, really.
I took a second breath as my heart broke a little more.
Giving birth to Chloe with Alton by my side had been the most emotional experience of my life. He’d been loving and caring, encouraging me all through the three-hour long labor. He’d held my head when I pushed, and whispered words of support when I didn’t. He was, as always, the most supportive man I’d eve
r met.
And I was still just a foolish girl.
My hands were still shaking uncontrollably. I’d been running on empty for the entire night, and exhaustion was rapidly taking its toll. It wasn’t even the physical feeling, though there was certainly plenty of that as well. The worst of it, though, had begun in my guts. It slithered its way up to my chest, filling me with cold dread, like a snake made of ice was crushing my heart.
Pain, torment, regret—so much regret.
I couldn’t do this.
And yet I had to do this.
I needed to think about the children first, both of them. They needed stability and peace, and staying with Alton just exposed them to too much risk. A huge part of me wanted to stay, but I couldn’t justify putting them at risk just so I could be happy. I’d already been selfish enough for one lifetime.
And at the end of the day, love only invited pain.
“Mom?” Ezra’s insistent tone brought me back to reality. He looked almost as tired as I felt, but I was grateful that he was here. His presence was another thing that I owed to Alton, who had brought my sweet and sensitive boy to the hospital and then left us alone to process Chloe’s birth.
If only he knew.
I wished that I didn’t need to do this.
“What’s going on, Mom?”
I looked up and saw Ezra’s worried eyes bearing into me.
Of course Ezra could tell something was wrong. But I didn’t even know how to explain this mess.
Not to him, and not to myself.
“Nothing, honey,” I lied through clenched teeth, patting the space next to me to invite him over.
Ezra scuttled to my side of the bed, and I sat up against my pillows to hold him tight. I prayed that he would understand one day, and forgive me, and….
Forgive me?
But I’m doing this for him, I reminded myself. Why was I hoping for Ezra’s forgiveness, when it was so clearly Alton who I needed it from? The shadow of doubt grew even larger inside of me, driving me crazy as I wondered once again if this was the right decision.