by Iris Parker
“Easy now,” I said, my voice breaking with emotion that I tried to hide. “It’s really cold out here. Why don’t you go inside, and we’ll call Pete and Nanette to invite them over?”
Ezra nodded enthusiastically. Before I knew it, he was tearing through the snow back up to the house. My eyes followed him until he disappeared through the front door, then I turned back to face Jessie.
Who wasn’t there anymore.
My heart froze for the second it took me to realize that she’d leaned forward in the cab. I walked towards her, but before I got there she’d resurfaced with a bundle held close in her arms. My chest squeezed with emotion as I bridged the last few steps separating us.
She looked amazing. Her nose and cheeks were already red from the cold, and her eyes were shining with tears as she held tightly to our daughter. My heart throbbed with pent-up love as she looked at me in silence, her mouth slightly agape as if she couldn’t form a coherent sentence either.
I leaned into the cab, stretching my arms out. Doubt and fear flashed across Jessie’s face, but only for a fraction of a second. Without any further hesitation she gave me a smile, then handed the baby to me.
Chloe cooed in my arms, making my entire body tremble with emotion. Pushing away the sides of the blanket she was bundled in, I looked at my daughter’s face. My heart was beating faster and harder than it ever had before, and I could hardly believe this was really happening. Chloe looked so different from the day she was born, although I would’ve recognized her anywhere. Even without the pictures that Jessie’s mother had been emailing me, it was clear to me that my daughter took after my sister—she looked so much like Nicole that it was uncanny. I held her small body against my chest, sheltering her from the cold as I bounced on my heels. I closed my eyes for a moment, hoping that the moment would never end.
When my eyes opened again, Jessie was standing in front of me. Her face was a mask of complicated emotions, but one that I could now read easily. Worry and fear, the two emotions that had become such a dominant force in her life, were written plain as day in her expression.
She opened her mouth, only to close it a second later without speaking. Still cradling Chloe securely with one arm, I reached out to Jessie and grabbed her gloved hand.
“You’re cold, and not wearing much,” she said shyly, looking down at our entwined fingers. I reached out for her chin, lifting her face towards mine.
“It’s okay.” For a long while our eyes met, unwavering, while a thousand unspoken words passed between us. Eventually, she squeezed my hand and huddled up close to me.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice breaking. "I was so wrong. I—I was so scared," she spat out nervously.
I extended my free arm and wrapped it around her. There was still a lot that needed to be said, but at that moment none of it mattered.
Standing there, with Jessie in one arm and our daughter snuggled safely between us, I had everything I wanted.
Alton
“And then the mall was closing, so Nanette and I rushed to the last store and grabbed all the Christmas decorations we could find,” Ezra said with pride as he placed a couple of ornaments onto the six-foot tall tree that Pete had just brought in.
The initial shock of Jessie’s return had barely worn off before the Hamiltons, who’d been called by a very excited Ezra, showed up. Pete had pretended to be puzzled that I hadn’t put a tree up yet when it was already Christmas Eve, and they’d suggested a trip to buy all the other necessities I was missing.
Which had, of course, given Jessie and me the chance to be alone. We’d spent most of that time together in silence, just playing with a cooing Chloe who I could barely let out of my sight. Later in the afternoon we’d gone to town ourselves, spending a good hour at the nearest toy store.
I’d splurged on every age-appropriate toy that I could find, despite Jessie’s halfhearted protests. She explained over and over again that she’d brought all of Ezra’s gifts in her suitcases, and Chloe was still so young she didn’t need anything. But whenever I shook a baby toy in front of my daughter’s face, her eyes lit up with so much excitement that I couldn’t resist buying it for her. Eventually, with a few giggles to show how silly she thought I was being, Jessie had allowed me to buy a few hundred dollars’ worth of baby toys, along with various board and video games for Ezra.
We’d only just barely made it home in time to hide all the gifts away before everybody else got back, carrying with them enough food to feed a small army. Even Nanette couldn’t whip up a suitable feast for five people with no notice, so they’d returned with pizza and a mountain of snack food.
Regardless, I knew it was the best Christmas Eve meal of my life.
“I can’t wait for tomorrow morning!” Ezra exclaimed, his excitement barely contained as he grabbed the big golden star he’d picked himself. Climbing onto a chair, he carefully put the sparkly tree-topper in its place.
We all took a step back as Pete dimmed the house lights a bit, setting the stage for the tree’s festive lights to come on. I looked around surreptitiously as the colorful glow illuminated everyone’s face. Pete, Nanette, Ezra, Jessie and Chloe all lined up in front of what only I knew was my first Christmas tree.
“And now it’s time for bed, sweetie,” Jessie said before heading to Ezra’s bedroom. The boy ran straight towards me for a hug, then said good night to the Hamiltons. When he left, we all fell silent for a second.
“Are you going to be okay?” Nanette asked, her voice a little strained with worry. Behind her, Pete nodded in agreement. They’d been the ones who’d had to pick the pieces back up when Jessie left. They never brought it up directly, but I knew they’d been worried for me.
“Yeah. I’ll go to bed soon,” I explained, exhausted by the day’s events. Nanette gave me a hug while Pete waved goodbye from the front door, muttering a soft take care before going out into the snow and darkness.
Finding myself alone for the first time since Jessie’s unexpected return, the events of the day finally started to catch up with me. I needed something to take the edge off, so I headed to the kitchen and poured myself a shot of whiskey. The golden amber liquid was in my stomach a second later, but it didn’t help. If anything, it just made things worse—the fiery liquor burned my throat, and it tasted like every bad night I’d ever had.
I poured myself another shot.
“Thanks,” a soft voice said behind me. I turned around, holding the drink tightly as I prepared to face the woman who’d broken my heart. I still felt like a ton of bricks had fallen on me, and my heart didn’t know whether it should rejoice or ache.
“You’re welcome,” I said. “ I’m glad you came. It means I finally have the chance to tell you that I understand better now,” I continued, downing the second drink in a flash. “Love does suck.”
Jessie’s face looked ghostly white as she stopped dead in her tracks.
“Alton…,” she began.
“It’s fine. I always knew how to protect myself,” I said, pouring another drink. “I let my guard down, I shouldn’t have. That’s on me.” The third whiskey traveled down my throat quickly.
“Stop it,” Jessie said as she grabbed my glass and the bottle from me.
“Stop what?”
“Drinking. Dominick told me.” She was still as pale as a ghost, but the determination in her eyes was unmistakable. As much as I wanted to be cautious, I also really wanted to know what she had in mind.
“Told you what, exactly?”
“Everything.” Jessie looked down, her gaze fixed on the floor between us. “And he said you’d hate him for it.”
“What do you mean by everything?”
“Your childhood. Your parents. Your sister. The donation. Everything,” Jessie listed softly.
Well, Dominick had been right about one thing. I clenched my jaw in anger, hating that Jessie knew the entire sordid story. I’d spent my whole damn life trying to put it behind me, and I didn’t like having it in my face again
.
I hated how my past had turned me into such a broken wreck of a man. I hated my dad for that legacy, and I hated how my choice to finally open up had led to me becoming even more broken.
The first thing to come out of my mouth was a chuckle. It was a bitter, dark noise that probably said everything there was to say. I never wanted anyone to hear that story, particularly not when it showed my carefree womanizing for what it really was—a way to protect myself. And I’d been a damned fool to think that any of that could ever, or should ever, change.
Particularly with a woman like Jessie. A kindred spirit, sure—but that’s just a fancy way of saying that she was as broken as me.
Who the hell had I been kidding with that?
Only myself, obviously.
I grabbed my glass back, along with the bottle of whiskey. But before I could pour out another shot of liquid escape, Jessie’s hand darted out and snatched my wrist.
“Don’t,” she pleaded.
“You don’t get to have any claim on me, you know,” I growled. “Not anymore.” I took a swig from the bottle directly, because again, who had I been trying to fool with that shot glass?
Jessie paused for a moment, her eyes filling with tears as she looked straight at me. Then, with the most timid voice I’d ever heard from her, she spoke.
“I wish I still did.”
My heart skipped a beat. Hope and disbelief fought each other during the pause that followed, a confusing tangle of emotions that left me speechless.
“I do,” she whispered. “It was crazy to think that running away was the right decision, even for a second. Not just because I’ve missed you every damn day since I left, or every sleepless night. And not even because the kids deserve their loving, caring dad. But because you’re a good man, Alton Greene. The best man. I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did about you, but now I do. In spite of your past, you opened yourself up to love. You embraced it completely. You loved me.”
I flinched at the words, not wanting to hear them. In fact, I couldn’t even bring myself to look her in the eye.
“And I couldn’t let myself accept that, foolishly,” Jessie continued as she took my chin and tilted it toward her face. Her eyes cut through me, but suddenly I couldn’t look away. “But talking to Dominick finally made me realize something my heart had been telling me for months—that there is hope, there has always been hope. Hope is what carries us forward, what gives us strength and lets us take risks. Hope is what allows us to love.”
Jessie’s eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, but her voice became steady and confident as she continued. Breaking out of her whisper, she began to speak with passion and determination.
“And no, love doesn’t suck. I wish I’d never said that. I finally understand. Love is precious. That’s why we’re so afraid of losing it. But we’ve wasted so many years running from that fear, and I don’t want to waste another second. Love lifts us up, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. It’s the only beautiful thing in the world. Love connects us together and lets us become part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s what gives our lives meaning,” Jessie continued, blinking back the tears as she raised her free hand and stroked my cheek. “I know it’s true, because I can feel it inside of me. Because I love you, Alton.”
My head was spinning, my breath shallow. I wanted to pour another drink, but Jessie was right. Doing that would only perpetuate the worst behavior—my father’s. Instead I grabbed the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes, dizzy and confused by the tumult around me.
But it wasn’t around me, it was in me.
Jessie, it seemed, had finally made peace with her demons. I opened my eyes and looked at her beautiful face, so earnest and filled with hope that it broke my heart. Except I realized that it wasn’t breaking my heart—that had happened a long time ago. Seeing her like this was breathing new life into it, healing wounds that I’d thought could never be fixed. It was like Jessie’s confidence and optimism were contagious, filling me with hope.
Then it hit me.
Hope is what allows us to love.
And Jessie was still the same woman I’d fallen in love with, the one who’d made hard decisions to survive and protect her family. But now I was part of that family, just as she was part of mine. She wouldn’t need to make those decisions anymore. She didn’t need to fear love, and neither did I.
“I love you, too, Jessie,” I said, leaning forward to kiss her. She cuddled up close in my arms, happier than I’d ever seen her before.
At long last, we were safe.
Epilogue
Ezra
“Ezra, watch out!”
Amidst the smattering of applause and hollers, my mom’s warning came a moment too late.
Ugh!
Really, I had a lot to say about Ali Henderson’s antics, but ugh was all that came to mind as the splash drenched me from head to toe. The early June sun was still weak, and the lake was definitely colder than I liked. That was the whole reason I’d waded in slowly, to give myself time to adjust.
At least that had been the plan, before Ali came crashing in with a ridiculous dive-bomb that sent icy cold water flying in every direction. My skin erupted in shivers, and my lips were probably blue with thermal shock.
What was that girl been thinking?
Well, probably nothing.
Back on shore, everyone was having a good laugh at my expense. From the dock to the barbecue pit where my parents were busy grilling lunch, it seemed that me getting wet was what passed for comedy these days. Even Chloe and Joshua, playing under the watchful gaze of Helena, seemed to think that Ali’s antics were hilarious.
Well, at least they were still young enough to not know any better.
Which is more than could be said for Ali. As always, the girl was killing me. She probably found herself adorable, but she wasn’t. Not even for a fraction of a second. Annoying, yes. Insufferable, definitely. Immature? For sure. But adorable was not a word I’d use to describe her.
“What the hell, Ali?” I scolded, immediately feeling like a grouchy granddad yelling at passing teens to get off his lawn. But dammit, Ali’s energy had been one thing when we first met. We’d been young then, not even teenagers yet. It was long past time for that girl to grow up.
“Oh, cheer up, buddy!” she retorted with a wink, her hair splattered inelegantly to her face. She was a reckless tomboy, which was a shame. She would’ve been pretty otherwise.
Unbelievably pretty, an annoying voice echoed in the back of my mind.
I grumbled, pushing the thought away as I climbed out of the frigid water. As far as I was concerned, Ali could have the lake. She shot me a disappointed look with those mismatched eyes of hers, but I didn’t care. She’d brought it on herself, after all.
Except apparently she didn’t want to be swimming anymore, because she quickly got out and started climbing the old boulder near the dock. Her legs were slender and muscular, and she reached the top in a matter of moments. Of course it was easy for her, we’d spent so much time climbing that rock together that we both knew every crack and crevice by heart.
Now that had been a nice summer.
Despite my bad mood and probable hypothermia, I felt myself begin to smile a little.
“Hey, babe,” my mom waved at me excitedly, pointing to a big heap of towels next to the barbecue pit. I cringed, hoping Ali hadn’t heard. Acting like a crotchety old grandpa was one thing, but my mother calling me babe in front of a girl?
That was something I could never, ever live down.
Not in a million years.
Well, not that Ali was a girl exactly. But she was still a girl. Even if the Hendersons were practically family, and even if Ali was obnoxious enough to practically be my sister, it didn’t matter.
It was the principle of the thing.
Babe.
Feh.
And it would be harder to forget than ever, now that the Hendersons were staying here even more often. Ever sin
ce having Joshua, Helena and Dominick seemed to be coming over every week. At least that gave Jonah someone to play with other than Chloe, though.
Joshua and Jonah. Those two had been only born a year apart, and it seemed like they were definitely going to be best friends when they got a bit older.
Unlike Ali and me.
I sighed, grabbing the towel Mom had pointed out. I dried myself off and walked over to the boys, Joshua lying on a thick blanket next to Dominick and Jonah playing with a wooden rattle just across from him. Dominick had the same contented look on his face that my own dad usually did, and I wondered where exactly that came from.
Dominick kept mentioning how he’d like to find a good coaching position around here, just like Dad had done back home in Syracuse. It was high time to leave Boston behind, he’d said. Maybe the goofy grin meant he’d found a position?
My heart’s rhythm kicked up in my chest, pounding harder.
In annoyance.
Because that meant Ali was going to be over here even more often. Just what I needed. I turned around, just in time to see her dramatically jumping into the water again—this time with her limbs spread out comically, making an even bigger splash than before.
Well, the weekends when the Hendersons came by were always fun, I had to admit. Except for the whole Ali part.
Although she was a great gamer, and that was fun.
Except for the whole girl thing.
But…well. She wasn’t as adorable as she thought she was, but at least I never felt bored when she was around. Probably because she made it her mission to drive me crazy, but whatever.
And her eyes were all weird. Weird, but…kind of pretty, I guess? Colorful, anyway. And hard to forget. And it was really strange how nobody else ever seemed to notice that little gold teardrop in her green eye, because it was so obvious.
Not to mention she was a complete know-it-all. Okay, so her mom was queen nerd, but still. Once I’d invited her to help me and Alton smoke the sausage he’d made, and she’d just quoted some old German dude.