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Four hours later Caleb and I were on Cash's jet flying to a little town outside of San Francisco. The conversation with Mathias didn't go as bad as I thought it was going to go. He has invited us down to stay at his place for the rest of the weekend and informed me that Grayson was already there and was ready to meet his birth mother.
Birth mother... For some reason those two little words always mess with my head. I've loved Grayson from the moment of his existence but I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to give him the life that he deserved or be the mother that raised him.
I wish I could have been able to have seen our future because I would have never in a million years given him up and I would have kept him and moved back to Kansas to live with my parents. I know that they would have been embarrassed that I wasn't married and that the father wasn't in the picture but they would have eventually gotten over it by the time I had given birth to him.
I can't go down this winding road because if I do then I will start blaming myself for my brother's death as well. It took me forever to not blame myself for being the reason that he died. I’ve always felt that if I would have just moved back to Kansas, he and Olivia wouldn't have been driving to Oregon to visit me. I looked over at Caleb to try to quit thinking the thoughts that are going on in my head and he's frowning at me. I scrunch my eyes at him silently asking what is wrong.
"You're playing the ‘what if’ game again in your head aren't you. You're going to drive yourself crazy if you don't stop it Claudia."
"I can't help it Caleb. What am I supposed to tell my son when he asks me point blank, face to face, why I gave him up? If I would have just changed schools and not had to go to the best college on the west coast and had put him first then we would all be in Kansas right now. We probably would have spent summer vacations with Derek and Olivia and the kids. Who knows? Maybe my parents would have still been alive to go on the vacations with us.” I wasn't planning on telling him everything I was thinking about but it was out there and I said it. I looked over at him and he seems irate for some reason. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"It's just. Wow! I knew that you thought very highly of yourself but... Just wow! Let me bow down to you now Queen Claudia." He lowered himself down out of his seat and literally bowed down in front of me. "I had no idea that the decisions you seem to make affect the whole world the way that you seem to think they do."
"Excuse me? How dare you say that to me! I was only telling you what I was thinking and trust me when I say this. It'll be the last damn time I ever do that again!"
I stood up and stormed off to the back of the plane to the bedroom quarters, thankful that I have a place to get away from him before I knock him out. Queen Claudia? Really? No I don't think every decision I make affects the whole freaking world but this one decision that I made could have prevented a lot of terrible things that happened to my family not... Well... Happen.
Even though my immediate family might have come through everything unscathed, it didn’t change the fact that Vanessa still would have died. Cash would have never met and fell in love with Olivia, who resulted in the twins being born and Gideon and Eden finally having a mother to love them unconditionally. I wouldn't have been given the opportunity to have fallen in love with Caleb and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Oh he's right! As much as I hate to admit it, he's right dammit!!!
I look over at the bed and it looks so comfortable that I crawl on top of it to just try to relax and calm my thoughts. I'll apologize to him when it's time for us to land. I closed my eyes and tried to visualize in my mind how much Grayson has changed this past year. I bet he's grown a few inches and I wonder if he's cut his hair or if they've let it grow out and-
"Claudia?" I jumped up because I was not expecting him as I was so deep in thought.
"Holy shit! You scared the crap out of me and you could have knocked ya know. What do you.... Oh never mind. I'm so sick of fighting with you. You were right about what you said and I'm sorry. Are you happy now?" I looked up at him and he has a scowl on his face and doesn't look like he's too happy with me at all.
"No, I'm not happy now! I'm tired of fighting with you, too but come on. Use your brain! Do you know how long I've been in love with you?" He waited for me to answer him but all I could do was stare which made him shake his head. "I have been in love with you since I was 18 years old, Cru. Since the very first day I ever laid eyes on you and you never even noticed me whenever I was in the same room with you because to you I was such a scrawny geek back then." I'm at a total loss for words at his confession but I still can't seem to say anything and I can tell that he's getting madder. "It's too late to go back and change things but if you would have told me what was going on when you found out that you were pregnant I would have married you and raised Grayson as my own! So… You have your ‘what if’ games and I have mine and there's nothing that we can do about any of the crazy thoughts we are having because that's NOT WHAT HAPPENED! It wasn't supposed to have happened like that. Everything happens for a reason Claudia. At least that's what I've always believed."
I don't know what to say to any of what he just admitted to me. He's loved me since he was 18? That was when we first met and all of this time he's been in love with me? What a stupid idiot I've been. I walked up to him and he started backing up and was staring at me like I have the plague or something.
"You're right Nerd Boy and I know what an idiot I've been and especially about how I've ignored your affection for me. You know I would have probably laughed in your face if you would have proposed. No... Not probably. I know for a fact that I would have so here's what I propose. Enough of this what if shit! You're right because it's not going to get either of us anywhere. So from here on out it's time to-"
I jerked forward when I felt the bed behind my legs and finally noticed him standing in front of me with nothing but lust and heat in his eyes. He was staring intently at my mouth and then into my eyes letting me know with that one look; exactly what he wanted and I knew that I wanted it just as much as he did. He leaned down and whispered into my ear.
"Time to what Cru? What exactly are you proposing here?"
Tears sprung to my eyes because I feel like all of my walls are completely crumbling down and it's time for me to trust someone other than just myself and time to lean on someone else instead of trying to fix everything on my own. I turned my head towards the ground but he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him and I let it all out.
"Time to show you how I really feel about you. Time to just let go and just... FEEL and not guard my heart with lies anymore and to start trusting you because you're Caleb Kingston and not some asshole who just wants sex from me and not some asshole that's going to- "
He shut me up with his lips and leaned me back onto the bed gently. I grabbed onto him and held onto him as tight as I could without breaking away from our kiss. This kiss is more possessive and demanding than this morning’s kiss. I pull him even closer and ran my hand up and under his shirt and felt nothing but flesh and bone and muscle and oh he feels so good!
I pulled away from him and leaned into his neck and gently bit him on his collar bone and grazed my teeth up and down his neck causing him to moan which turned me on even more. I pulled his shirt up over his head and managed to flip him over onto his back with me straddling him as I slowly grazed my nails down his chest and all the way down to the top of his faded jeans.
"Oh Nerd Boy... Do you know how many times I've wanted to touch you like this when you would walk into the living room wearing nothing but a towel? Or do this?"
I leaned down and gently bit one of his nipples and swirled my tongue around it a couple of times. I could feel his muscles contract under my finger tips that are traveling ever so slowly to the button of his jeans and I grinned at the arousal that is now bulging between my thighs. I looked up into his eyes and I can tell that he’s just as on fire as I am.
"Oh I don't think so.
Come here Cruella, we're going to finish where we left off this morning." He pulled me up and flipped me onto my back which about knocked the breath out of me from the rush and excitement of what is about to happen.
"What's wrong Nerd Boy? You're not afraid to let a woman have her way with you are you?" I leaned up and tugged on his bottom lip with my teeth and ran my fingernails down his back to pull him closer to me which has him moaning in my ear. He gave me that cocky grin of his and chuckled under his breath and grabbed both of my hands and raised them over my head and I started bucking underneath him to let me loose.
"Uggghhhh! Would you stop holding my hands up over my head! I want to touch you!" I looked into his face and the animal lust and want that I see in his eyes has me moaning and writhing beneath him as I wrapped both legs around his hips to pull him in closer. He reached between us with his free hand and raised my shirt up and started caressing my stomach and drawing little circles from my navel and all the way up to my breasts and I held my breath and wondered what all he was planning to do to me.
"See... I can get you all ready and excited too Cruella. But here's the deal." He leaned in and nipped at my ear lobe with his teeth and whispered in my ear. "You will not be in control here. I'm in control and I can't wait to feel you lose yourself to me. Do you think you're ready for what I’m about to do to you?"
The heat from his breath against my neck about pushed me over the edge as I try to pull my hands out of his grip but he's not budging which is turning me on so much more. I reached up and shoved my tongue into his mouth, daring him to give in to me.
He pulled away from me and unbuttoned his jeans and slid them off and did the same to mine all one handed. I heard him catch his breath and see that he's staring at my black lace panties and matching bra. I tried to use this to my advantage and to pull my hands out of his wrist but he still won't let go.
"Hot damn Baby! Do you always make sure to match your panties with your bra or is this something special just for me?"
Aww... So he's into lace... I might be able to use this to my advantage. I batted my eyes at him and started grinding my hips against his.
"Come on baby.. I want to touch you. This isn't fair because you're getting to have all of the fun."
He looked up at me and grinned and shook his head no and is still staring at me while he slides his hand underneath the band of my panties. Oh my god! I think I might come by the way he's looking at me I'm so ready for this. He pulled my panties down and looked at me all naked and wet and waiting and looked into my eyes.
"You're even more beautiful than I ever imagined and oh so ready for me, aren't you Cru. I wish I had more time to spend down here but I don't so I will give you a little kiss for now."
I bucked against him because I wasn't ready for what he did when he parted my lips with his tongue and licked his way up to my swollen nub while pumping me with his finger. What he's doing to me is causing me so much pleasure and pain at the same time and all I want to do is run my fingers through his gorgeous curly blonde locks that are right now between my legs softly grazing the inside of my thighs making me burn all over.
"Please Caleb! Let me touch you, I can't stand this much longer. Oh my God!" He looked up at me as he gave me one last kiss before he started running his tongue up my body and stopped at the front clasp of my bra and literally tore the clasp off with his teeth.
"Oh dear God in heaven, now if those aren't the most gorgeous breasts that I've ever seen in my life, I don’t think anything else could ever compare."
He grabbed one of my breasts and pinched my nipple so hard that my whole body ignited and it felt like a bolt of lightning that struck right between my legs. He lowered his mouth to my nipple and started lightly sucking it and I'm so close to an orgasm I can't stand it as I'm shaking my head back and forth.
"Please... Oh God please! I can't take it anymore, now Nerd boy! Now!"
I looked at him pleading with my eyes to help give me the release I so desperately need. He pulled his boxers off with one swift tug and is finally right where I want him. I feel his enormous arousal at my entrance and oh my god! I feel like he's splitting me in half at the massive thickness and length of him as he slowly enters me. I revel in the pain that turns quickly to pleasure as he speeds up his rhythm while I match his pace with my hips. He finally let go of my hands and pulled my leg up over his shoulder and rammed into me over and over until we both exploded at the same time over and over again.
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A few minutes later, after catching our breath, I'm finally doing what I have wanted to do for a long time and that was run my fingers through his gorgeous hair. I've never felt so content in my life than I am right now and so at peace and loved.
Talk about getting the whole package. Not only is he sexy as hell and gorgeous to boot but oh my God! The sex! Was absolutely amazing! I don't even want to talk because I just want to revel in this discovery of what loving the man of my dreams and being loved by him in return will be like in our future. He rose up and kissed me and pulled me into his arms to where we are face to face and he has the biggest shit eating grin on his face right now and all I can do is laugh.
"So...was that what you were going to propose? Haha... I have to say this Cru. Every fantasy I've ever had about us making love doesn't even come close to the real thing. I didn't think I could fall any deeper in love with you but I just did. Are you okay? You're way too quiet for someone that was begging me to end your suffering. Did I manage to end it? Your suffering that is?" I leaned in closer to him and wrapped my leg over his to pull him in closer and kissed him on his chest, right next to his heart.
"Oh did you ever! You were torturing me but I'm perfect now and have never been better." I looked up at him and into his eyes. "I'm happy even. I don't feel quite as alone in this situation like I have been feeling." He tenderly grazed my cheek with his finger and I leaned into it.
"Cru, you've never been alone. Do you not realize that?"
"I realized that last night when I had my meltdown and you held me without asking any questions. You really love me don't you. Even with all of my crazy different personalities? Because you know I have a few, haha."
Oh boy do I! I guess you could say I'm a little OCD meets high strung. Olivia swears I have about twenty different personalities but I only think I have four or maybe five. Oh who am I kidding? She's probably right and I really do have 20.
"Why do you think I call you Cruella most of the time?" He pulled me up on top of him and I felt his hardness up against the inside of my thigh which let me know that he's ready to go again.
"So... because I know how mad at me you were for holding your hands above your head, while I had my way with you, I might add. I'm going to let you be in control for round two before the pilot starts griping at us to put our seat belts back on."
I leaned down and kissed him for all that he's worth and guided him into me and sat there while I got used to the size of him again. I started rocking my hips back and forth as he rose up and kissed me again but I pushed him back down onto the pillow and we both laughed.
"I love that you get me and know me so well! Hold on cowboy because you're going to get the ride of your life in the mile high club!" He grabbed ahold of my hips and let me take him just as far as he took me but he was screaming my name this time.
CHAPTER FOUR
Cash had a driver waiting for us at the airport for when we arrived to take us to Mathias' house. I definitely needed the distraction that Caleb gave me on the plane but the closer we get to Grayson the more I'm starting to freak out again.
"Come here baby. You're shaking so much I can feel it through the seat. Are you cold or is it just nerves?" I scooted over to his outstretched arms and leaned into him and tried to draw comfort and strength from his tight hold on me.
"Oh it's nerves again and I'm just thinking too much. Do you think he would want to come back with us tomorrow or should we wait a couple of weeks for both of us to bond? What about t
he office? Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? I know my biggest reason for putting him up for adoption was because I wanted him to have both a mother and a father and I couldn't support him by myself but now that I'm financially able to raise him alone... I mean... if you want to run away from all of this... Now is your chance because I don't want to show up as his birth mother with her new boyfriend that could be his potential adopted father if you don't-" There he goes again... Not letting me finish what I'm saying by shutting me up with a kiss.
"Claudia, please stop it Honey. Do you have any Xanax you could take because you're freaking out about nothing? If he's not ready to come back with you tomorrow then I will go back home and take care of the office and reschedule some clients around. Mother can help with that as well so don't worry about work because it's already covered."
"Oh my God, your mother! She absolutely hates me! She's going to think that I'm the biggest whore of Babylon when she finds out about Grayson."
"What? My mother doesn't hate you. Why would you think that? She's crazy about you and thinks you're the most beautiful woman in the world. Well... You and Olivia run a tight race is what she actually says. You know she wants me to marry you right? If she hated you I doubt that she would want me to do that don't you think?"
This shocks me because she has always appeared quite standoffish to me which was why I was surprised that she wanted to work in my office. Maybe it was just my lie about being a lesbian that she didn't like. For her to want me to be a daughter in law speaks volumes.
"She wants us to get married? How will she feel when she finds out about Grayson? Wait! Would you marry me or even want to? I mean... Not that I'm asking but...ah geez. What am I thinking? This has been a crazy couple of days huh? Forget I even said that! Hahaha."
Found by Love Page 7