by Jesse West
In fact, I don’t know what the old man would’ve done if I wasn’t around so much because of work. He never told me he was fine on his own. He never told me I should just go to work. He liked having me there to be his butler. I’ll never be sure if it was because he used his conditions as a crutch to seek help from others or if he truly didn’t believe in himself. If he didn’t truly believe that he was capable of doing so much more than he felt. Part of him must have justly felt like he needed me and perhaps…some part of me felt I needed him.
Two more surgeries later and the old man was still kicking.
He was like Iron Man.
Nothing seemed to be killing him more than he was killing himself…
He just never listened to me.
I still remember the last time I saw him alive.
We had just got him home from the hospital form another mistaken overdose. He was rushed to the hospital because he had passed out on the street trying to walk to the store. He said he wanted a newspaper. I sat and waited while he spoke with the doctors and I heard something in his voice…
Something that I recognized but I didn’t like it.
Dealing with thieves and other criminals, you pick up on a particular trait the all have, this ability that most people are capable of but not many really master since it’s a bad idea to say you’re good at it.
Lying.
You can tell by the tone of their voice and their word selection. The bullshit that’s fluttered from some of the mouths of dirt bags that I’ve arrested could fertilize fields for decades. They would say anything to get out of the situation they were currently in…and I was listening to my father spew just as much bullshit about himself.
He was fine.
It was an accident.
I don’t have a drug issue, I just forget sometimes.
After all the time we spent going over his schedule, he continues to make these fuck ups. It can’t be me and now, I believe it…it’s him.
I called him out on it.
Told him off about what he was doing.
Told him he can’t do shit like this anymore.
Told him that one day he is going to fuck up big time and there’s no talking your way out of that.
He didn’t listen. He didn’t think I knew what I was talking about.
Then he confessed.
He thought it was funny to just take a little extra.
He didn’t think it would hurt him.
He knew what he was doing.
I exploded with rage.
How could he do that?
After everything…
Numerous surgeries and half a dozen doctors trying to keep him alive…and you sit here and laugh about overdosing?
It was all a joke to him.
I gave him the piece of my mind he deserved.
All of my efforts and hard work to be there for him…
And he just likes to get stoned…
Off of the medication that’s meant to be saving him.
Why did you bother going through with all that hassle of the surgeries?
I left him for a while but I came back…and nothing changed.
I was so callous towards him…we barely spoke anymore.
What was going through your mind, old man?
You said you wanted things to get better but you never tried…that’s all I wanted.
The last time I saw him alive, I left him lying in his bed…alone in the apartment.
The last time I saw him alive, I told him that if he wanted to make things right again…then he needed to prove it to me.
The last time I saw him alive, I was so cold and relentless to him…with no sympathy or remorse about his condition.
The last time I saw him alive…
Emily
“Dorothy and Jessie, front and center!”
Earlier that evening, Emily was sitting at home with her daughters for Thanksgiving. She didn’t care for her mother or the Viccaro’s either. She had her own father who she still kept in contact with but her daughters each had different fathers.
Dorothy was the oldest so she understood a little better than Jessie but she was a good big sister and spent a lot of time explaining things to Jessie. The got along well as siblings and we pretty much inseparable. The only drawback from that was they were either being good together or getting on their mothers nerves. She had called them in after dinner since they left the table without cleaning it off.
“What are you guys supposed to do after we eat?” she asked the girls.
“Clean off the table.” They replied as a unified voice like soldiers but more depressed than eager about needing to clean up.
“Well get to it then you can go finish your movie.” Emily was big on teaching them responsibility with chores and allowances.
Just as the girls did a sluggish turn and approached the table that needed to be cleaned off, there was a knock at the door. Emily answered it and to her surprise it was two policemen.
“Ma’am, are you Emily Cherchio?” one of the officers asked.
“Yes, what seems to be the problem?” she was confused to why they were there.
“Are you related to Officer Jack Bogen?” he asked.
“Yes, that’s my brother. Why what’s wrong?” she was nervous about what they were going to say.
“There’s a situation and we need you to come with us.”
“What’s wrong with Jackie?” anxious and fearful, she was unsure about what was going on.
The officer explained to her what was happening at that very moment. The girls peeked in from the other room, curious to who was at the door. Emily couldn’t believe what she was being told. She knew Jack was mad at their mother and his father but she couldn’t believe he was capable of this. She thought about the last time she saw him.
After Jack left his father, he went to stay with her till he got on his feet. He was always a good uncle and his nieces adored him, especially when he was in uniform. They loved tinkering with his badge and anything they could get their hands on off of his belt but he was always cautious to keep his gun out of her home while he lived there. The one thing he didn’t like was that their fathers weren’t bigger parts of their lives. Deadbeats in his eyes but even bigger in Emily’s. She was keep on keeping them away from her daughters since their relationships didn’t work out. The boy she left with when she was a teenager was with her a bit longer than the guy after that but she married neither of them and had kids with both.
One of the few things she didn’t have growing up was a strong mother figure, so in her mind she needed to create it to the best of her ability on her own. She was successful as a mother but the unfortunate truth was that Jack saw a lot of their own mother in her. Some of the ways she handled things or simply the way her life has been thus far. It was something Jack feared deep down but he never expressed it to her truly till just after he left them.
He never found his own apartment since he was too busy still keeping on with his father’s appointments and now helping Emily out the best he could. He stayed with her for a few weeks on her couch and eventually he went back to his father’s but since he was pretty much on a couch there, he jumped back and forth since he was fed up with the old man. He brought Emily a kitchen aid to help with her on the side baking job as a thank you for dealing with his situation. As a single mother, Emily struggled a lot but Jack always tried helping as best as he could but even Jack had his limitations.
It went on like this for about 3 months till Jack and Emily had a conversation about something that bothered Jack. The girls sat in the living room while Jack and Emily were sitting in the kitchen. They were just having some meaningless conversations about work and other everyday things when Jack decided it would be a good time to bring something up to her he felt needed to be said.
“Ya ever think about mom?” he asked her.
‘No. Why would I? That lady forgot about me a long time ago and ever since then my life has been fine without her.” She replied.
“Yeah, I can’t deny that either.” He said.
“Why do you ask?” she was curious now.
“Just wondering ya know.” Jack was hesitant since he didn’t want to offend her.
“Jackie, if there’s something on your mind you can talk to me you know that.”
“I know Em…it’s just…I don’t know.”
“Come on Jackie. Just talk to me.”
“Well, sometimes…I get worried about you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I worry about how things have been going for you and sometimes with how you do things.”
“How so?” she asked, her expression dropping a bit from wholeheartedly interested to concern.
Jack took a deep breath and said something he worried about saying to her for months.
“I worry that you’re turning into mom.”
“What?!” her tone had a sense of relief as she chuckled to what Jack was saying.
“I’m serious Em.”
“I get that you’re serious but I think you’re just a bit crazy.” She replied as she continued to chuckle a bit more.
“Come on Em, I want you to really listen to me here.”
“Listen to what, that you’re comparing us to our shit mother. No, sorry but I’m not like her.” Her voice began to sound a bit annoyed.
“Well, you weren’t around mom for as long as I was. I know how she is and sometimes I feel like you do things a bit similar to her.”
“Like what?” she replied with defensiveness in her voice.
“Well, think about the girls.”
“What about them? I’m a great mother to them. Way better then mom ever was to either of us.” He could tell she was getting annoyed.
“I know and I don’t disagree or think otherwise…but they have different fathers Em. Fathers neither of them will see again. They have different last names. Just like we do. Dorothy is already customary to that and she’s still young, no matter if she’s older than Jessie or not.”
“I was her age when I realized how things were at home too and mom didn’t help with anything.”
“That’s my point. It took a complete stranger to convince mom to let you see your father otherwise you’d probably never know who he was. The girls wouldn’t have a grandfather. You should let them spend time or at least see their fathers.”
“Absolutely not. They’re scumbags and I refuse to subject my children to them. At least when I met my father he was a decent human being. You don’t even like them, how can you say it’s ok for my daughters to see them?!”
“Just because I don’t like them doesn’t mean the girls shouldn’t know who their fathers are. It’s just what I think is right.”
“No. I’m not doing it and I would like it if you didn’t give me parenting advice.”
“I’m just worried about you Em.”
“Well you don’t need to! I’m doing fine on my own! My kids are healthy, they have food in their mouths, and they have a lot more than I ever did growing up!”
“I’m not saying you’re as bad as mom was, I’m expressing that I feel like you’re going down that path and if you don’t change something…” he couldn’t finish his sentence before Emily erupted into a rage.
“STOP COMPARING ME TO MOM! I am better than her in so many ways!”
“You are Em, but you are on a path of being just like her!”
“I’m done with this conversation. I think you should leave.”
“Em, stop. I‘m not trying to push you away, I’m just-.”
“No Jackie, you cannot tell me who I am or what I’m becoming because you don’t understand. You do not have kids, you do not live my life, so you cannot tell me what I am or how to run my life!” Emily was furious with Jack.
“I’m just trying to help you. I’m concerned for my nieces and for you.” Jack was getting a bit annoyed by her tone and comments.
“Well, you don’t have to be so you can stop now if you want. Stick to taking care of your sick father and hopefully one day you won’t wind up like him.” Emily was good at hitting people where it hurt. Some women were good at being malicious but Emily; she had it pretty much mastered.
“Fine Em, I’ll just go.”
Jack didn’t care for her snappy attitude but he didn’t regret telling her how he felt. He was simply looking out for her and the girls. He didn’t want them to go through a single thing that either of them went through growing up and that was his concern. It’s probably the same reason why he never cared to get into a serious relationship at that point in his life. Fear of becoming what he was raised around was always real to him. Emily didn’t share that with him since in her mind everything she was doing was fine. After that argument, Jack left and they didn’t speak to each other much except for a phone call on their individual birthdays. The only serious call Emily ever got from him after that was when his father passed.
The funeral was the last time Emily ever saw or spoke to Jack. She attempted to call him a few times but he wouldn’t answer. He cut himself off from everyone. Dug into his job and cut the world off. When she saw him, he was cold. No feeling in his face or when he expressed his gratitude for those who showed up. He kept his head low and remained in the chair he was sitting in. Even towards the girls he was almost ghostly.
He was dead inside. This worried Emily but she couldn’t reach out to him. He wouldn’t accept anything from her nor did he attempt to reach out. He kept to himself for weeks without a word and now, with what she was just told, she feared the worst for him.
She still couldn’t believe the cops were there. This memory played back in her head like a video on loop. It was the last real time they actually spoke to each other and it didn’t end well. She got the girls coats on and told them they had to go with the policemen. They got in the patrol car and drove down to the house. The girls kept asking questions about what was going on, but Emily didn’t know what to say. She was concerned for Jack, concerned for her brother. As kids they were inseparable and for the last few months they barely spoke. Emily couldn’t help but hate herself a little for how things have been. All she could think about in that moment was how much she hoped there would be a way to rectify things, a chance to resolve their issues with each other.
All that kept lingering in her mind in that moment, amongst all the uncertainty and anxiety, was “Please be ok Jackie…”
Coming Home
After the fallout with Emily, Jack primarily stayed with his father again. This upset him a lot but he had no other choice. He was still stuck on the couch and he never stopped going to his appointments with him but it was mainly because his name was on everything as the primary caregiver despite the nurse he had given him. His insurance didn’t cover having her every day and Jack faded himself out of the picture gradually. He treated him like they were roommates more than father and son, and he had every right to after what he had learned about his father.
This upset Mike a lot but he didn’t do much to fix it. When Jack wasn’t working, he was taking care of other things around the house. Mike tried to talk to him but Jack wanted nothing to do with him. He despised his father for what he was doing to himself and it aggravated him how backwards he was in his mind. He was trying so hard to keep himself alive yet everything that was killing him was self-inflicted. Jack gave him one word answers and neglected actual conversation regarding anything besides appointments, medicine, and bills. Mike made enough on his disability checks that combined with Jack’s pay as a cop, they lived well, especially being that they lived in a small apartment where the only bed was for Mike. He offered it to Jack more than once because he knew he did more than him but Jack always refused. Even though he was annoyed by his actions, he put his father above him at all times.
Mike’s health wasn’t getting any better and he continued his ways without doing much to help it. One night, he attempted to speak with Jack as he always did.
“Jackie?” He called him to get his attention from the
other room.
“Yeah?” he replied, mostly annoyance in his tone.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Jack was unenthusiastic about responding but he was leaving the house that night anyway so he answered his call. He stood in the doorway of Mike’s room as he asked.
“What do you want old man?”
“I just want to talk to you about something.”
Jack stepped into the room and stood at the foot of his bed.
“I know you’re still mad at me.” Mike began.
“And you know exactly what you need to do to change that.” Jack replied.
“Jackie, it’s hard. You don’t understand.”
“There’s nothing to understand, pop. I’ve told you before that you just need to listen to me and we’ll get through it but you choose not to so there’s nothing I can do.”
“Look Jackie. I’m not going to be around forever and I just want us to be better again.”
“First, I hate it when you talk like that. And second, there is only one way we can make things better and you know what that is.”
“I’m trying Jackie…”
“No you’re not. I know you’re not. I’m still here dad. I’m not deaf, dumb, or blind. I continue to do the same shit every day and it’s all because you don’t listen. So how can I take you’re ‘trying’ seriously if nothing’s changed?!” Jack began getting annoyed with this conversation.
“Jackie just listen to me!” Mike shouted.
Jack stood there in silence with an angered expression on his face.
“I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me…I know I’m not easy to handle and you do a lot more for me than anyone else. You’re the best kid a father could ask for and I love you for it. I just want us to be on a good page again. I know you care but we don’t talk anymore…I want to talk to you son. I want us to be close again…” Jack could tell Mike was being genuine and part of him wanted to believe him, but something told Jack he needed more.
“Thank you dad but…that’s not enough.”
“What do you need from me Jackie?”