by Anna Bell
‘I should have told you about it. When it happened. I’m so sorry,’ he says.
Any kind of elation that his memory has come back is starting to ebb away because something is not adding up. His reaction is not what it should be. I think back to my exchange with Owen earlier when we spoke about Anne, and Max is acting very guilty. I’m slowly getting the impression that I’m missing something from the story.
‘Why didn’t you?’ I say, wanting to know.
‘Because I thought about how I’d feel if you told me you’d kissed someone else.’
My ears hear his words but it takes a minute or so for my heart to catch up. But when it does, it feels like it shatters into a million pieces.
I look at the man in front of me. I feel like I don’t know him at all, all over again, because the Max I thought I knew would never cheat on me.
‘Did Anne tell you that it was just a drunken kiss? Not that that makes it any better. I don’t know what she’s told you and I’m worried that she made it sound like it was more than what it was.’
‘You should give her more credit,’ I say, surprised at how steady my voice is. ‘She actually made it sound a lot less than what it was. She said that you’d met up the day of the accident because she wanted to apply for a job back at PDCA. Oh God, that wasn’t the only time you saw her, was it?’
My voice sounds so calm and controlled but inside my mind is screaming at him and my heart is pounding. His silence speaks volumes.
‘I think there’s been enough secrets between us, Max. Tell me.’
He wipes away the tears on his face and takes a deep breath.
‘She came back from New York a couple of months ago and she came to the work summer party with another one of our colleagues.’
I think back to that hot night in July. I was supposed to have gone too, but Sasha had been poorly and she was really clingy so I didn’t feel like I could leave her with my mum who was supposed to babysit her.
‘I was really drunk, we all were, you know what those things are like. And…’
He runs his hands through his hair again.
‘Tell me,’ I say with force, despite the tears that have started to roll down my cheeks.
‘I bumped into her in the corridor on way back from the toilets. She told me that she’d split up with her husband and that she missed me and that she wanted us to try again. Then she kissed me.’
I close my eyes. I don’t want to hear any more.
‘I was so drunk, Ellie, that I kissed her back – and it took me a moment to realise what was happening but when I did, I pushed her off. I told her about Sasha and the baby, and how I was happy with you.’
‘But you kissed her,’ I say, thinking: he’s making it worse. ‘What kind of a kiss was it? A five? A six? A perfect fucking ten?’
I realise that I’m shouting now and the few people walking towards the hotel are trying to listen in in that not-so-subtle British way where they’re not looking at us but they’re not talking to each other either.
‘Ellie, it wasn’t like that. I don’t think it was even that long before I pushed her off.’
‘Then why didn’t you tell me? If it meant that little?’
I grip the railings even tighter, feeling sick to the stomach.
‘Because I didn’t want to hurt you.’
I laugh, because if he’d told me at the time, we could have brushed it off and it might not be as big a deal as it is now.
‘Are you sure it wasn’t more? Is she the one that got away and I’m just the rebound?’
‘Ellie, no, you know that’s not true.’
‘Do I? How do I know if anything’s true any more?’
‘It was just a kiss,’ he says.
‘Just a kiss? It’s just a kiss when you’re single, a bit of meaningless fun,’ I say, thinking of the times that I kissed random men in clubs when I was younger, ‘but when you’re married a kiss is so much more than that. That’s ours and ours alone. What did you really talk about the day she got hit by the bus? I take it it wasn’t about work.’
Max sighs, and I laugh out loud at how gullible I’ve been. It hurts to think that this whole thing was going on in the background. Not only had he kissed another woman, but he was having secret meetings with her. It was forgivable when I thought it had been about work – but this was something more and now I don’t know if I can trust anything he says.
‘She wanted to meet up and I went along because I wanted her to understand that that part of my life was all in the past, only she kept pushing for us to be together. That’s when we started arguing and she turned and stepped off that kerb.’ He inhales a sharp intake of breath like he’s reliving the moment.
I try and take it all in. He might not have been having an affair, but I still feel betrayed.
‘For weeks I’ve been acting like a fool trying to get you to fall in love with me again to save our perfect marriage. But how could we have had a perfect marriage if there were these secrets between us? And Owen knew, didn’t he?’
Max closes his eyes and sighs.
‘I had to tell someone and he told me to tell you, but I couldn’t.’
‘That’s why you weren’t talking?’
He nods.
‘I can’t do this any more,’ I say.
I can’t stand to look at him any longer and I start walking towards the hotel.
‘Ellie, wait.’
‘No, Max. I’m too tired for this. I’m going to go to the hotel. You go back to your mum’s or wherever. I can’t do this now.’
‘But Ellie, please, let me come with you. I need to explain.’
‘No. I’m doing this for the baby and I’m doing it for me.’
I walk away and I don’t look back. He doesn’t follow me and I’m glad because I meant what I said.
I ignore the looks of the other people in the lobby as I walk through, my cheeks wet with tears, waddling like only an eight-months-pregnant woman who’s been at a rock concert can.
I reach the sanctuary of our room and I crawl on top of the bed and pull a cushion into me and curl up.
Now I understand what Max must have felt like when suddenly your whole world falls out from underneath your feet and you have no clue who or what you really believe any more.
Chapter 25
The last thirty-six hours have passed by in a bit of a blur. When I got home, Max was gone. He’d written me a note telling me that he knew I needed time and that he was going to stay at Judy’s house, and she arrived a little later to drop off Sasha. He’s on his way over now to take Sasha out for the day and my hands are starting to tremble.
I’m thankful that Sasha’s been oblivious to everything, and I’ve thrown myself into playing with her to take my mind off things. We’ve been making dens, having tea parties, and generally trying to ignore that my marriage is in a shambles. But even still, unwelcome thoughts have a way of sneaking into my mind, whirling around, confusing me even more about what’s going on and making me scrutinise all aspects of our marriage.
I’d be the first to be up in arms about anyone’s husband cheating, but since I found out about Max, I’ve realised that it’s not that black and white. I’m turning into Rach, asking myself question after question. Does it make a difference that it was a drunken kiss? How much cheating is considered enough to break up a marriage? Is it worse because it’s with an ex and there’s the possibility of residual feelings there? Does it mean that if he’s done it once, he’s more likely to do it again? Can I trust him?
I also wonder if things would have been more clear-cut if I’d found out about this before his memory loss. We’ve changed so much in that time and it’s made me realise how guilty I was of neglecting our relationship. I think it was inevitable that after having Sasha I put her first – most mothers do that – but I never really let Max in to our little gang. That’s not an excuse for what he did, but it’s made me realise that our marriage wasn’t as perfect as it appeared to the outside world. I’d been too
fixated on the image of it, rather than what was going on inside it.
I double-check the contents of Sasha’s backpack, making sure I’ve put in extra clothes and her favourite soft toys, even though I know that Max is capable of taking care of everything. He knows her routine better than I do now, having followed it to the letter.
There’s a soft knock at the door and it stabs at my heart that he’s knocking rather than using his keys. This is really happening.
Sasha is all excited and as soon as the door opens, she toddles straight into his arms and he scoops her up and onto his hip, giving her a squeeze like he hasn’t seen her in years.
‘I’ve missed you, little pup,’ he says, kissing her on the top of her head.
She rests her head against his chest. Another stab at my heart.
‘Hey,’ says Max, turning his attention to me.
‘Hey.’
There’s an awkward silence as neither of us knows what to do or say.
‘You look nice,’ he says.
He’s lying. I’m sure some women would dress up for an occasion like this, in order to show him what he’s missing, only I’ve gone the other way, too emotionally drained to care. Greasy hair. No make-up. Unflattering outfit choice complete with stains from Sasha’s breakfast.
‘Did you want to come in?’ I say, not budging from my spot blocking the door.
‘No, no, we’ll just, um, get off. Unless you want to talk?’ he says, a little hopefully.
I shake my head.
‘I’ll get her backpack,’ I say.
This feels so wrong. Is this what’ll be like if we can’t work things out? Conversations on the doorstep whilst we hand over the kids?
‘Great, thanks,’ says Max, taking the bag from me. ‘I spoke to my dad again last night, and he’s going to fly over tomorrow so we can talk properly.’
‘Oh,’ I say, surprised. ‘I’m glad that you’re still speaking to him now that you’ve got your memory back.’
‘Yeah. Seeing how he was with me when I lost my memory… I think it’s time that we sorted things out properly. I don’t think we’re going to be best buddies, but I’d like him to know Sasha and the new baby.’
I nod my head again and there’s another pause.
‘Also, I spoke to my boss, and I’m going back to work next week, part-time initially. But if that goes well, I might talk about doing part-time permanently or taking every other Friday off or something. It would be nice to spend more time with the kids. If that’s OK?’
I’m stunned and all I can do is nod.
‘Right, well, we’ll get going.’
‘Have a lovely time, sweetie,’ I say, leaning over and kissing Sasha’s head. I’m finding it too difficult.
Max says a quick goodbye and turns and walks down the path. That’s my family – I should be going with them, but then I think of Anne and how pretty she looked even when she was recovering from being hit by a bus, and the sickness returns to my stomach. I shut the door quickly, trying not to cry.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself. Judy and I are going to a garden centre later this afternoon. She wants to help me choose some plants for our garden. I should cancel but she’s been so good to us lately that I don’t want to let her down. But we’re not going for another two hours and I don’t know what I’m going to do until then to take my mind off things. I usually crave alone time, but now that I’ve got it I don’t want it.
I head into the kitchen and I set about tidying it up, when there’s a knock at the door.
I walk along the hallway, wondering what Max has forgotten, only to be surprised that Rach is standing on the doorstep.
‘Hey,’ I say, surprised to see her. I don’t think she’s ever turned up at my door unannounced before. ‘What are you doing here, shouldn’t you be at work?’
‘I took a day off,’ she says. I know instantly by the tone in her voice and her body language that she knows.
‘Max told you,’ I say.
‘I thought you might need a bit of company,’ she says.
I nod my head and I can’t help but cry.
‘Come here,’ she says, pulling me into a hug, and I rest my head on her shoulder and start to properly sob.
She leads me into the lounge and sits me down at the sofa. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
I wipe away my tears with my sleeve.
‘I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought that if Max and I work things out then people will always think of him as a cheater. I don’t want them to look at him like he or our marriage are tainted.’
‘Oh, Ellie, you can’t go through something like this on your own. You can always call me, you know that. I already look at Max and think he’s an idiot, so it really wouldn’t change anything.’
I laugh; only she can make me do that through my tears.
‘Seriously, though, Ellie, forget he’s my brother. I was your friend first long before you two got together.’
Once upon a time I would have told Rach everything and it was so easy – but after Max it felt too strange.
‘You did try and warn me that Max would hurt me and that I should get out when I could.’
‘I’ve always felt terrible about that. I never expected it to work out between you; none of us thought Max would ever settle down.’
‘If anyone was surprised, it was me. I never believed that he would be with someone like me.’
‘OK, hold it there,’ says Rach. ‘This has got to stop. He’s the one who should be lucky to be with someone like you.’
‘Ha, I—’
‘No,’ says Rach, cutting me off. ‘You are one of the most amazing women I know. You’re clever and kind and witty. You don’t realise it but you have this kind of… I don’t know what you’d call it – radiance – but you sort of light up rooms. And yes, maybe Max dated women that looked like they walked off a Victoria Secret’s catwalk, but they have nothing on you. You’ve got to take Max off his pedestal and you’ve got to realise that you deserve to be on it instead.’
‘Rach,’ I say, the tears having started up again.
‘I mean it. He’s the lucky one.’
‘I guess I always wondered if I somehow trapped him in all of it; we got together so quickly and then we got married.’
‘What?’
‘It’s always been a little niggle.’ I shrug. ‘And now with the whole Anne thing, I know it was just a kiss, but it’s made those niggles worse. Because now I wonder if he only rejected her because of Sasha and the baby.’
‘I think it was almost easier when we didn’t talk about this,’ says Rach, with a smile on her face, ‘because that is absolutely not true. You only need to see you and Max together to know that it is the real deal. He even fell in love with you all over again when he lost his memory – surely that tells you something?’
‘But he forgot her too, so he didn’t know he was missing out on her.’
‘Ellie! Get a grip,’ says Rach in her no-nonsense style. ‘I’ve known Max all my life and I have never seen him care about someone as much as he does you. And yes, he loves Sasha like any father should, but he loves you, he really does.
‘Do you know he phoned me to tell me what was going on because he wanted me to come over to you when he took Sasha out? He knew that I was going to be cross and that I’d shout at him – which I did, by the way – but he still phoned me and told me the truth because he didn’t want you to be on your own.
‘I know that he cheated on you when he kissed Anne and I don’t know whether you’ll be able to forgive him, but don’t make it a bigger thing by bringing in any other worry you can think of; worries that I know aren’t true and, if you actually talked to Max, he’d make you understand that they shouldn’t be worries at all.’
She reaches out and gives my hand a squeeze.
‘I’m sorry if that was tough to hear,’ she says.
I nod. ‘It was, but I’ve missed you talking to me like this,’ I say. ‘No one cuts through my probl
ems like you do.’
‘Well, someone needs to talk some sense into you.’
She’s right, they do.
‘So, how are you feeling, about the kiss?’ she says in a gentler tone.
‘I honestly don’t know. I feel like I’ve gone back to being a teenager – getting upset over just a kiss – but it’s feels like such a betrayal.’
‘Of course it is. I know I’d hate it if Gaby kissed someone else. But, from speaking to him, I honestly don’t think that it was like one of those big passionate end-of-a-movie kisses. It sounds like it was just a drunken mistake.’
‘But the trouble is, he made it more of a thing by keeping it a secret and for sneaking off to meet her.’
‘Yeah, like I said, my brother is an idiot,’ she says with a sigh. ‘Do you know what you’re going to do?’
‘Not yet. Irrational niggles aside, this whole memory-loss episode has really made me look at my marriage. I naïvely thought that it was all so perfect and so happy, but it wasn’t. It’s not all to do with the Max-and-Anne situation; I’m to blame as well. I think you’re right; maybe I have put Max on a pedestal.’ I sigh. ‘I think part of me was caught up in this fantasy of getting my dream man. Then when he lost his memory it made us get to really know each other. He finally saw more of the real me, and I saw the real him, or at least I thought I had. I think that’s why this has hit me so hard because we’d grown that much closer.
‘I just don’t know if I can trust him. I’m scared that I’ll always be worried that when he says he’s going into the office on a Saturday that that’s not where he’s going.’
‘Trust is such an odd thing, isn’t it?’ says Rach after a pause. ‘Don’t you think it’s crazy that when you start dating someone new you give them a level of trust and the benefit of the doubt, but they’ve done nothing necessarily to earn that?’
‘I guess so; I’ve never really thought about it like that.’
‘We trust our partners with everything. Our hearts, our hopes, our dreams.’
There’s a sadness that’s crept into her voice and it gives me the impression that we’re not talking about mine and Max’s marriage any more.