“It’s eleven o’clock, sleepyhead,” he teased.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept so much. “I guess I was really tired. What are you doing?” I yawned.
“I was just thinking about you. Some of us are going hiking around the gorge. Do you wanna go? It’s a beautiful day finally.”
“Hiking? When are you leaving?” Hiking did sound appealing, perfect for clearing my head.
“Dale, Travis, Liz and I are heading out in about half an hour. I’m driving. Should I pick you up?”
“Sure. I’m going to jump in the shower. Pick me up last, okay?”
“Sounds good.”
“Chase?”
“Yeah?”
“I had a great time last night, but I’m not really ready for...”
“I know, Kendi,” he said cutting me off. “I’m cool with just hanging out. For now.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me yet, Kendi,” he said, laughing. “See you soon.”
“Bye.” Smiling, I hung up the phone and bolted out of bed. I quickly took a hot shower and pulled my hair back in a high ponytail. I threw on some cutoff jean shorts, an old UCLA T-shirt and a soft gray pullover sweater. I grabbed my hiking boots and a baseball cap and headed downstairs. I was just finishing a glass of orange juice when I heard the doorbell ring. After throwing a water bottle and a granola bar into my backpack, I met Chase at the door. He looked cute in khaki cargo shorts and a powder-blue T-shirt. He was wearing a dark baseball cap, turned backward, his crazy blond hair poking out from behind the strap that stretched across his forehead.
“Hey, stranger,” he teased as he leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek.
“Hey,” I said shyly, my cheeks ablaze.
“Ready?”
I nodded.
“Everyone’s in the car waiting. Travis insisted on riding shotgun, so I hope you don’t mind sitting in the back.”
“Of course not.”
As we walked out to the Chevy, Liz threw open the door and bounded out to give me a hug. “I’m so glad that you’re going with us. There is way too much testosterone in here.” She laughed as I hugged her in return and climbed into the middle of the backseat.
Liz was one of those people that everybody loved. She was petite, just a dainty little thing, with thick dark hair that she wore in a pixie cut. She was very outgoing and always smiling. She had been a godsend this past year, making sure that I focused on the important aspects of being a high school senior.
I needed the constant reminder that I was young and that I should be having fun. The events of the past year had unfairly forced me to grow up, showing me how cruel life could be. But I wasn’t going to dwell on the past anymore. I wanted to let my hair down, relax and have fun. I focused on the laughter around me, the sunshine on my face and the music that Chase had just turned up on the car stereo as we all sang along. I couldn’t help but smile each time that I caught Chase glancing at me in the rearview mirror. He seemed genuinely pleased to see me look so happy.
It was a perfect day, the best combination of mindless fun and thought-provoking activity. It was hard not to contemplate your life while staring out at the breathtaking landscape of the gorge from several thousand feet above with the crystal blue Columbia River dividing it down the middle. Our chatty group grew silent as we took in the view, feeling small and insignificant among such an enormous natural wonder.
We could hardly contain our laughter when Chase cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Holy shit,” into the vast space surrounding us, his echo so clear that it seemed as if someone was shouting “shit” right back at us. There was a part of me that was worried about Chase’s expectations, but he kept it platonic and light. Besides the peck on the cheek on my doorstep and the occasional squeeze of my hand while we were hiking, it was obvious that he was just being my friend, and that was exactly what I needed.
Mending Fences
As the days grew longer, spring bearing its gifts of warm sun and colorful bloom, I slowly let Adam back into my life. He kept to his word, calling every night, and I finally surrendered and began to accept his calls. It had started with awkward silence and small chitchat about our day but had slowly evolved into our familiar banter leaving us both laughing and feeling like friends once again. And eventually our conversations drifted into dangerous territory about the past and our future. Not so much our future together but our individual paths that were slowly being laid out before us. The past still brought up too many emotions for both of us: hurt, guilt, anger. But we were making progress.
He was waiting to get his orders for his mission, which would tell him where he was going exactly and when he would leave. I was waiting to receive my college acceptance letters so that I could decide where I wanted to go. I had been accepted to a few small schools already, but I was holding out for Udub or Western. Our fates had been sealed, each of us embarking on our differing versions of life’s next step. I wasn’t sure where that would lead, nor was I sure if Adam would ever be part of my life again once we both took that next step, but I knew that I didn’t want to waste the time that we had together, even if it was just to have my best friend beside me. I had already lost Morgan. I wasn’t ready to lose Adam, not yet anyway.
I eagerly checked the mailbox every afternoon, waiting to hear back from the last few schools that I had applied to when I finally received a large, thick envelope from the University of Washington. I closed my eyes tight, hoping that my suspicions were correct while I tore open the envelope. Peeking at the letter I held in my hand, I read “Congratulations” and exhaled the breath that I had been holding. Scott was standing next to me anxiously awaiting the results. “I got in,” I screamed. “Oh, my God, I got in.” I hugged Scott while I jumped up and down, throwing off his balance, nearly dragging us both to the ground.
“That’s amazing. You have to call Mom and tell her.”
“I will.” I ruffled his short dark hair and wondered when he had grown taller than me. I still thought of him as a little boy, even though there were only a few years between us. I sat down to read the entire letter, and then called my mother at work to share my good news. She was ecstatic, her voice full of pride as she told me that she knew I could do it. After my mom hung up, I immediately called Adam to tell him. He knew how much I wanted this, and I had been agonizing over whether or not I would get in for weeks.
He answered on the first ring. “Adam, I got in,” I squealed at the sound of his voice.
“Jeez, Kendi, calm down. You got in where?”
“Udub. I got my letter today. I can’t believe it!”
“Kendi, that’s great! I’m so excited for you.”
“Thanks.”
“Well I guess this helps you plan out the next few years of your life.”
“I guess so,” I replied, the excitement draining from my voice knowing that these plans would not include Adam. Hearing my solemn response, he tried to encourage me.
“Hey, Kendi, this is a good thing. You deserve this, and you should be celebrating.”
“I know, and I’m excited obviously. But I already miss you, and you’re not even gone yet.”
“I already miss you too.”
~
There was an undeniable sense of exuberance in the air as the year trudged on, bringing us closer to graduation and freedom. My friends and I embraced the final weeks of high school, planning our senior trip, senior prank, the classic senior skip day and our graduation parties. I was experiencing an assortment of emotions as we approached the school year’s end. I had always assumed that finishing high school would only bring excitement and happiness, but I was starting to feel a sense of sadness with the thought of saying good-bye to friends that I had known for twelve years, and of course the uncertainty of what the future held for Adam and I was disheartening.
Still I focused on the fun events unfolding as graduation drew closer and of the precious time that I had with my friends. Chase and I had d
eveloped a friendship that had flirted with the possibility of becoming more, but I had explained to him that I was leaving for college soon, and we were better off as friends. That didn’t stop his obvious advances and pleas to give him a chance. He had become a strong figure in our little group, so I dodged his advances playfully to avoid any awkwardness among our friends. In all honesty, I enjoyed having him around. He made me feel happy and fun, his presence refreshing, representing nothing from my past. Despite what he might feel for me though, my heart belonged to Adam, and I feared that it always would.
Adam had been asking me for weeks to spend a Saturday with him. I had been avoiding it at all costs, always coming up with some excuse. I had a study group, or I already had plans with the girls—anything to not spend a great length of time with him. It was so hard to be near him and keep up with this “We’re just friends” charade. I was afraid to let him back into my life on any other terms. Especially with his imminent departure looming in the air. He finally succeeded in convincing me to meet him at Gonzaga so that we could toddle around town, go shopping or catch a movie.
We had just finished lunch at our favorite gourmet pizza restaurant and decided to take a stroll through Riverfront Park to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. Summer was just around the corner, the temperature rising as it drew near. Adam reached for my hand as we walked along the trail. I thought about pulling it away, but it seemed innocent enough.
“Have you heard anything more on your mission?” I asked, interrupting the comfortable silence that had fallen over us.
“Yeah, actually I got a call yesterday.”
“And?” I asked when he didn’t volunteer any more information.
“And they’re sending me to Ghana first and then South Africa. I may move around a bit, depending on where the need is. I’m going to help with an agricultural project that teaches basic farming skills to the youth and will provide crops to feed the community. Given my background, they thought it would be a good fit.”
“That sounds exciting, Adam. You’re going to be making an extraordinary difference in these people’s lives. I’m so proud of you.” I nudged him with my elbow as we continued to walk through the park hand in hand.
“It is exciting, but honestly I’m a little scared. I’m not sure what the living conditions will be like or the language barriers, and what if I get sick or something?”
These were all things that I had wondered about myself, and I prayed that Adam would be safe when my mind wandered to the darkest of places.
I tried to encourage him. “You’re not going to be alone there, and I’m sure you’re not the first to have these concerns. Do you know when you’re leaving?”
He hung his head sadly and said, “The first week of September. September 7th to be exact.”
“I can’t believe that you’ve been keeping this information from me all day.”
“I didn’t want to ruin our day. I’m having the best time with you today. It feels like old times.”
It did feel like old times. We were comfortable with each other, laughing easily, but his comment hung heavy in the warm air. It wasn’t like before; everything had changed, and everything was about to change even more.
As if reading my mind, Adam sensed the shift in the air and pulled me to the side of the path. We stood in the shade of a large maple tree, Adam facing me. “Hey,” he said as he lifted my chin with his hand until our eyes met. “We have the whole summer to spend together.” His finger stroked my cheek, his touch igniting sparks through my body, and I couldn’t help but watch his lips as he spoke to me.
“That’s not it, Adam. I just wish that we weren’t here in this place, that things were different. And then I think of all the reasons that brought us here, and I just feel sad.”
“I’m sorry, Kendi. I will never stop apologizing, but I can’t change the past.”
“I know, but sometimes I wish you could change the future.” I knew that I sounded like a whiny little girl, but it was an honest expression of my feelings. He released my chin, and I looked down at my feet as I kicked the grass around with my shoe.
“We don’t know what the future holds, Kendi. We can’t change what hasn’t happened yet. Maybe this time away will heal our wounds, and we can pick up where we left off when I get back.”
“Not likely.” I sulked. With a hand on the small of my back, he pulled me closer to him and cupped my chin with his other hand, drawing my eyes to meet the intense blue of his once again.
“Why not?” he whispered, his breath on my face from his close proximity.
I shrugged, not knowing what to say.
He glanced down at my lips and leaned in to kiss me.
I looked down, subtly avoiding his intention, and he rested his forehead against mine instead, letting out a heavy sigh. We stood like that for several minutes, both his hands now resting on my lower back, mine dangling at his sides with fingers gripping the belt loops of his jeans. I closed my eyes. My breath quickened as I fought against my desire to kiss him, to lose myself in him. I could feel his rapid heartbeat and his breath on my face. I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t want to complicate things between us. I didn’t want to wonder where he was or who he was with. I didn’t want to doubt everything that he told me. I felt like I had more control over my heart this way, that I was guarding it somehow.
“Why not?” he whispered again with his own desire evident in his voice.
I didn’t have a response. I couldn’t articulate a sentence right now if I tried. All my focus was on fighting this pull I felt between us. Backing away from him, I reached for his hand as we continued down the path, once again in silence.
~
Graduation was just around the corner, and the party circuit had begun. I was definitely in the mood to let loose after working so hard all year academically. Saturday night was no exception. My mother and Scott had gone to Seattle to help Marie move into a new apartment. She had just graduated from college a few weeks ago and was starting an amazing advertising job for a cellular phone company. I stayed behind to spend time with friends knowing that I would be in Seattle soon enough myself. I was really looking forward to having Marie close by. Her new apartment was only a few minutes’ drive from campus.
I had the house to myself for the night, which meant the girls were staying at my place. Tracy, Liz and I spent the afternoon lounging around, eating junk food and watching 90210 episodes that I had recorded. When the sun began to make its descent, we showered, primped and poured back a celebratory shot of my mother’s finest tequila while dancing to our favorite song at an ear-shattering volume. It wasn’t long before Chase, Travis and Dale came by to pick us up. Rick was home from Arizona for the summer and was throwing a party at his house. We were all going.
Upon arrival at his house, Rick approached me and wrapped me in a huge hug. “Hey, Kendi. It’s so good to see you. How are you?”
It was so good to see him too. I had avoided him during Christmas break, knowing that his presence would have evoked painful memories of Morgan and Adam. “I missed you, Rick. I’m actually doing pretty good. How about you, college boy? How’s life?”
“Great, it’s good to be home though. Come on, let’s get you a drink.” With his arm around my shoulders, Rick led me to the kitchen where an endless supply of liquor and beer awaited. “Pick your poison.” Liz and Tracy were already in the kitchen pouring tequila into several shot glasses that were lined up along the counter. “Tequila it is,” Rick declared. We all raised a shot glass, toasting to friends and slamming the amber liquid to the back of our throats.
After my third shot for the evening, I decided to stick to beer. My mind was already in a haze, my body relaxed, and I was having way too much fun. I was thankful that Adam didn’t attend parties. I was able to let my guard down, to take a break from the exhausting game of defense that my heart had been playing when in Adam’s presence.
Liz turned up the music, and the crowd erupted in screams, bodies moving to the beat.
I felt warm arms around my waist, as Chase pressed his body against my back, moving with me to the music. For once I didn’t care. I pressed into him and continued dancing. The night wore on, and Chase continued to step over boundaries that I had placed between us months before. Maybe it was the alcohol or the sense of freedom I was feeling, but I let myself enjoy the feel of Chase’s hands all over me. Although when he drew me in close and kissed me on the lips, it suddenly felt wrong. I knew in that moment that, every time Chase had touched me, I had been thinking of Adam. And now, with Chase’s tongue rammed down my throat, my mind was fully aware that this was definitely not Adam. I pushed him away. “Chase, stop. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”
“Come on, Kendi. We’re just having a little fun tonight.” He pressed me to him again. I put my hand against his chest to hold him back.
“Not anymore, Chase. I’m sorry. I think that I had too much to drink.” I turned to walk away, but I didn’t get very far in the sea of bodies dancing around us. I felt him grab my arm and pull me back.
“Kendi, come on, loosen up. Just admit it. You’re enjoying this as much as I am.”
“Let go, Chase. I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea.” I tried to pull my arm away, but he held on tighter. Suddenly Rick was there, asking if there was a problem.
“Everything is fine, Rick,” I assured him. Chase released my arm, shaking his head as he stormed off. Great, he was mad. This was what I’d tried to avoid from the beginning, but I’d let myself get carried away.
“I need another drink,” I said to Rick as he followed me to the kitchen. Two more tequila shots helped me forget about my encounter with Chase. I was officially drunk, and, like an overprotective brother, Rick didn’t leave my side. Sitting on a bar stool at the kitchen counter with him standing next to me, feeling completely uninhibited from the alcohol, I began to talk openly to Rick about Adam. “Did you know that Adam was sleeping with Katie that whole fucking time?”
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