“I can’t answer that. I want you in my life. I’ll write to you as much as I can. I’ll want to share all the details of college life with you. Anytime that something exciting happens or if I’m upset about something, you’re the first person that I want to talk to. I can’t see that changing, despite the miles that will separate us. If I’m being honest, I have to tell you that I won’t let opportunities pass me by waiting for you to come home. If the accident taught me anything, it’s that life’s too short, and we never know how much time we have left. I will always have a place for you in my life, Adam. I won’t know what that place is until we get there. Only time will tell, I guess. That’s the most I can promise you right now.”
I could see the sadness in his eyes as he traced the contours of my face with his finger.
“You’re amazing, Kendi. You’re so beautiful and smart, and you have the kindest heart of anyone I know. I want you to be happy. I hope that you’re always as honest with me as you are now. I love you for that.” He leaned down and kissed me. I pulled him into my arms, holding on to what we were in that moment as if my life depended on it. He parted my lips with his own as our kiss became more urgent, our bodies pressed together. The passion in our kiss continued on into the night until he finally pulled away, leaving us both breathless.
“We can’t do this, Kendi.” It wasn’t the first time he had pulled away in recent weeks. We had not been together in that way since we had reconciled. One of us always seemed to hesitate for our own personal reasons, and we left it at that. I wanted to take things slow. I feared the vulnerability that came with opening myself up fully to him. Although it had been getting harder and harder to say no. In that moment, I was saying yes. My body ached for him. But his words were loud and clear.
“Adam, it’s okay. I can’t wait any longer,” I assured him.
He collapsed onto his back next to me, distancing himself from me. “No. I can’t go down that road again. This mission means so much to me, and I vowed to choose a more honest and moral path this time. I know how hard this is, trust me, but I can’t be with you like that. I’m sorry.”
I let out a long sigh, trying to slow my breathing. “I get it, Adam. Wow, this is going to be hard though,” I said as I stretched my arms out above my head, feeling the cool grass under my fingers.
“I know. We can still mess around, Kendi. We just can’t let things get too far. I could never say no to holding you like this. I love you too much.” He pulled me back into his arms, kissing my neck tenderly.
Warmth spread through my body, desire consuming me once again. “Adam,” I protested, pushing him away. “I need a minute.”
He laughed at me. “Look at you, all hot and bothered.”
“Very funny,” I smirked, hitting him in the arm with my fist. And with that he straddled me, pinning my arms above my head, and kissed me endlessly in all the right places. It was pure torture, exactly what he had been hoping for.
~
I tried to find a balance between spending time with Adam and the rest of my life. Between my hours at the restaurant, shopping with my mom for college necessities, parties with Liz and Tracy, and the precious hours spent with Adam, I was more than busy, and the summer was flying by too fast. My fears were all coming true as I completely opened myself up to Adam. I fell in love with him more and more each day. The very idea of spending my life with him was blossoming inside my heart like a bud at springtime.
Our long and heartfelt conversations seemed to revolve around our future, and I found myself sharing Adam’s certainty that our relationship could withstand a two-year separation living on different continents. We talked about all the possibilities. When he returned from Africa, he could finish school at Udub or another school in Seattle. We could get married and rent an apartment in Seattle while I finished med school.
What we didn’t talk about was what happened after that. Where would we live or what if I had to attend med school out of state? What about Adam’s agricultural aspirations? These were all questions that I held in the deep crevices of my mind, afraid to speak them aloud, afraid to burst the safe and colorful bubble that we were floating in. What I did know was that I loved him with every cell in my body, and that had to be enough for now. So I floated along, playing my part of the lovesick teenager that I was.
I couldn’t seem to keep my hands off Adam. The fact that I couldn’t have him the way I wanted, physically, made me want him even more. I could sense that Adam was having a difficult time living up to the promises that he had made, and I tried not to press the issue. I respected his decision, and I supported his faith and commitment to his church, even if I could not relate. On numerous occasions he had voiced his opinion about the way that I lived my life, and hoped that one day I would convert to his church and share his faith with him. I tried to be understanding but I could not make any promises. I was comfortable with my faith and my own religious beliefs, and I knew that this was yet another barrier that would inevitably stand between us.
So for now we held each other, devouring one another with our mouths and hands until one of us, usually Adam, pulled away before we lost all sense to stop. Removing the physical acts from our relationship left us with additional time to talk and explore our hearts rather than our bodies, and I felt our relationship grow on an emotional level. I felt connected to Adam in a way that I hadn’t before, and this made me feel more exposed and vulnerable than ever.
Despite my best intentions, I was falling in deep all over again—completely lost in him.
Good-byes
It was the one-year anniversary of the accident, the day that I lost Mo. I woke early in the morning with a new sense of loss, like I was losing her all over again. I went for a run before the summer heat rose to an unbearable temperature. I was trying to clear my head, but, with each stride, images of her smiling face filled my mind. I found myself at the cemetery near the edge of town. It was easy to find her headstone. I had been there countless times over the past year. I looked down at her name etched in gray slate with her birthdate and the last day that she had smiled beneath it. I ran my fingers across my collarbone, feeling the long, jagged scar that would always be with me to remind me of that cruel day.
“I miss you, Mo,” I whispered into the wind. When I felt the tears slide down my cheeks, I started to run again. I ran faster, harder, as if I could outrun the pain that threatened to bring me to my knees. I reached my house and stood on the porch, bent over with my hands on my thighs, trying to catch my breath. My lungs burned from the overexertion. I welcomed this physical pain, a reminder that I was still alive, and, although the guilt from this simple fact overwhelmed me at times, I was grateful.
With a heavy heart I made my way upstairs to take a shower. I needed to be with Adam. He was the only one who understood the crushing emotions that I dealt with when it came to Morgan. The guilt, the loss, the pain, the traumatic memories that still occasionally haunted my dreams. I threw on a navy sundress, dried my long hair and drove to his house unannounced. His parents were out of town, and we were supposed to meet later in the day, but I couldn’t wait.
He answered the door looking adorable in khaki shorts and a blue Gonzaga T-shirt. His dark wavy locks were in complete disarray. He instantly smiled, his dimples bigger than ever and calling to me.
“Hey,” he said empathetically as he noticed the state that I was in.
“Hey,” I replied as my tears fought their way to the surface. He drew me into his chest and held me tight as I melted against him. He eventually lifted me into his arms and carried me inside to his bedroom. I had never been in his bedroom in his parents’ house. They were always home, and we were not allowed to hang out in there. He sat me on his bed, which was covered with a blue-and-green flannel comforter. His walls were adorned with shelves displaying dozens of trophies from various sporting events. Posters of professional basketball players covered the walls and a small crucifix hung above his bed. The room was surprisingly clean.
Adam lay down on the bed next to me, pulling me back into his arms. “Tough day, huh?” he asked as he absentmindedly played with my hair. I could only nod in response, and he squeezed me tighter. I felt so safe in his arms with my face buried in his chest. He pulled up my chin with his hand until I was looking him in the eye.
“Just breathe, Kendi. We’ll get through today just like any other day.” He kissed me softly on the lips. When he kissed me with more intensity, I responded by running my hands through his hair. I surrendered my thoughts and let my body take over as I focused on the feel of his hand running up the bare skin of my leg, electricity coursing through my body. I lost myself in his kiss, and it wasn’t long before he was pulling my dress off my body and running his hands along my breasts, the smooth planes of my stomach, down to my most sensitive flesh. My desire was unbearable, and I instinctively pushed him away.
“Adam, stop. It’s too much,” I whispered. Ignoring my plea, he kissed each place where his hands had been until I felt his warm lips on my flesh. I jerked at the intense ripple of pleasure that shot through my body. He spread his hand firmly against my lower abdomen, holding me in place. He had never taken things this far before, well at least not in recent months. I could feel my release building, unrecognizable moans escaping my lips. I was just about to fall over the edge when he stopped and slowly kissed his way back to my lips.
“Adam, you’re killing me,” I groaned. He looked at me then, his sultry eyes burning right through me as I sensed something shift in his mind.
“You are so beautiful,” he said as he ran his hand down my naked body, caressing every curve along the way. I was on fire, nearly ready to explode as he kissed me again, his intentions undeniable. I pulled his shirt over his head and ran my hands along the muscles of his back, bringing him closer to me. I kept waiting for him to pull away but he never did. I reached for the clasp on his shorts and removed the remaining clothing from his body.
“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly, afraid that he would change his mind.
“I need to be with you like this, Kendi. Just this once. God, I love you.” He buried his face in my neck, his lips seducing me as he delicately brushed them across my skin from my ear down to my shoulder. He lowered himself inside me as he called out my name. I fell over the edge, hard, crying out loudly, as my body exploded around him. Adam took his time, not wanting it to end, loving every inch of me while my body responded to him time and time again. When his desire finally got the best of him, I felt Adam thrust deeper inside of me, moaning my name against my ear, as shudders raked his body. He collapsed on top of me, burying his face in the crook of my neck. We stayed wrapped up in each other, completely spent, until his weight was crushing me, and I tried to wriggle out from underneath him.
He rolled to the side of me and propped himself up on one elbow, brushing my hair behind my ear with his free hand.
“I’ve missed this. Being this close to you.” He leaned down and kissed me lightly on the nose and then kissed my lips, lingering for just a moment. “I love you so much.”
I ran my fingertips through his hair, pulling his face closer to mine as I kissed him more firmly on the mouth. “I love you too,” I whispered. I loved him so much in that moment that my chest hurt. We spent the rest of the day holding each other, our legs tangled together under his sheets, our clothes left untouched on the floor.
~
Before we knew it, it was September, and Adam was preparing for his trip to Africa. I had a lot on my mind and had been feeling distracted all week. Adam was scheduled to leave in two days, and I was moving to Seattle to start school a week later. Most of our friends had left for colleges at the end of August, and I had already said my good-byes with promises to stay in touch. Adam’s church had held a farewell ceremony, and I had sat back and sadly watched how excited Adam was about the selfless, life-changing experience that he was about to embark on. I was happy for him and extremely proud of him, but I couldn’t help but selfishly sulk about how much I was going to miss him.
Adam had brought me his favorite Gonzaga sweatshirt that he practically lived in. He said that he wanted me to have it to keep me warm while he was away. I was sitting on my bed holding his sweatshirt up to my face, inhaling his scent, as he handed me a small velvet box.
“What’s this?” I asked, as I slowly opened the box, feeling nervous until I saw my sapphire ring shimmering in the sunlight that streamed in through the gaps in my blinds. “My ring,” I said solemnly.
“I want you to have this back. I gave it to you almost a year ago, and I meant what I said. “I will always love you.”
I slipped it back on my finger where it belonged. “Thank you,” I said, letting the waves of sadness wash over me as I looked down at my hand, admiring the beautiful ring that I had completely forgotten about. A ring that represented a happier time, a less complicated time—or so I thought.
“Is everything all right?” he asked, leaning in to meet my downcast eyes. “You’ve been acting so strange lately, like you’re a million miles away.”
I bit down on my lip as I thought about what to say.
“Okay, now you have me worried. You’re biting your lip.”
He knew me so well. How could I keep this from him? “Adam, I’m late.” I blurted out. I wanted to take it back as soon the words escaped my lips.
“Late for what?” he asked, completely clueless to the bomb that I was about to throw into our world.
“My period, it’s late. It’s never late.”
“Whoa, hold on. Are you trying to tell me that you’re pregnant?” And it finally sank in. Hearing the P word roll off his tongue brought the reality of the situation to the surface.
“I don’t know, maybe.” I bit down on my lip harder, cringing at his words.
“What do you mean, you don’t know? Did you take a test?”
“Not yet.”
He rubbed his hand over his face in frustration. “Let’s not have this conversation until we know for sure. There must be some other explanation.”
“Okay,” I said quietly. We sat in silence as my mind wandered back to that unbelievable night in his room. We hadn’t used a condom; we had been careless, caught up in our emotions. I searched his eyes, and I knew that he was thinking about the same thing.
“Oh, my God, this can’t be happening. Fuck,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “My parents will probably disown me and everything that I’ve been working toward will be over, just like that.” He swept his arm across the space in front of him to emphasize his words.
“Adam, you’re freaking me out.” I was scared enough as it was; his anger was more than I could take.
“I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. I just can’t believe that I was so stupid. Let’s find out right now. I can’t get on that plane until I know for sure.” He held his hand out for me. “Come on.”
We endured the hour drive to the nearest city in silence. We agreed that we could not purchase a pregnancy test at the local drugstore. Rumors spread quickly in a small town, and this was one of those things that needed to be handled discreetly.
Adam took charge and purchased the first pregnancy test that he spotted on the shelf. I felt like a child unable to say or do anything.
On our drive home Adam let out a loud sigh and spoke to me calmly for the first time since I had told him that I might be pregnant. “Kendi, if you really are...pregnant, I’ll stay home and support you. We could get married. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing.” He rested his hand on my leg as he glanced over at me for my reaction. I didn’t know what to say. Part of me loved the idea of him staying and not leaving me to go to Africa, but the rest was hard to imagine. I didn’t want to stay; I wanted to go to college. Getting married? Baby? We were way too young. What about my dreams, what about med school? What would our parents think? To say that I was terrified was an understatement.
“Adam...I don’t know what to say. Let’s just wait and see what the test says.” We arrived at my hous
e, and I slowly made my way inside with Adam trailing behind me.
In the bathroom I read the directions on the box twice before following them step by step. I waited the three minutes alone, the longest three minutes of my life, silently praying for only one pink line.
When I finally walked out of the bathroom and told Adam that the test was negative, that I wasn’t pregnant, I could see the overwhelming relief in his eyes. He held me close as he whispered, “Oh, thank God.” I was still shaken up over the events of the day, unable to share his relief.
~
Two days later I found myself in the airport with Adam and his family, saying good-bye. We had said our real, heartfelt, tear-jerking, stab-to-the-heart good-byes the night before when we were alone at my house. We had held each other for hours, kissing and touching, nothing more. Adam had more than once promised to love me forever, and swore that he was going to come home and marry me, if I still wanted him. I had told him how much he meant to me and how I couldn’t imagine ever loving someone as much as I loved him. In a moment of weakness, I had promised to wait for him. Tears had welled up in his eyes as he kissed me deeply. He had to pry my hands from his body when it was time for him to leave. I had cried myself to sleep once he was gone.
Now I was in his arms once again but with his family as an audience, I did my best to hold myself together. I wanted to be strong for Adam; I knew this was harder on him. He was saying good-bye to everyone that he loved and traveling far away to the unknown. When a voice came from the overhead speaker announcing his flight’s last boarding call, he gave final hugs to his family, and they stepped away to give us our privacy. I swiped at the tears falling down my cheeks as Adam pulled me into his arms.
“I promise to write you as soon as I get settled. Don’t forget how much I love you.” He swiped away his own tears. I wanted to beg him to stay; I wanted to tell him things that would change his mind; I wanted to hold on to him just a little bit longer. But I knew that I had to let him go. This is what he wanted, and I had to accept that. I clung to him tightly.
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