Now that Adam knew the truth, there was one more person that I needed to share this part of me with. I owed Derek the truth as well. I knew that our relationship could never move to the next step without showing him every piece of me, and, as much as I had tried to deny it all these years, this was a huge part of who I was and who I am now. I feared that Derek would never see me the same once he knew the truth, but that was a chance that I had to take.
My mind drifted to Derek’s face and all the moments that we had shared these past two years. He was the first person that I had allowed myself to have a meaningful relationship with after Adam. I had dated plenty in college and medical school, but those relationships were purely physical, and I had walked away the moment I felt that they were getting too predictable. The hurt that I had suffered by simply loving freely and deeply had burned me too many times. I had not allowed myself to love again.
I am not sure why Derek was different. I was so far away from home, yet the memories still burned in my mind, and I wanted a new start. Derek was that for me, and I was starved of something beyond a physical connection. Although in the beginning, our physical chemistry was what kept me coming back for more, but slowly a much deeper connection had developed.
Derek was very successful and could be serious at times, but he was also a big kid at heart and so much fun. He had introduced me to a life that I had never known. He had taught me how to surf, snow ski and kayak. He had introduced me to five-star hotels and expensive, celebrity-filled restaurants. Of course material things did not weigh on me like other girls, but it was nice to be pampered, and we always had a lot of fun. Derek had worked hard for the life that he had. He had been raised in a middle-class home much like my own. So he was appreciative of everything he had and did not live extravagantly. He was a simple guy who enjoyed the simple pleasures in life, and he was kind and loving.
I loved him, but, after seeing Adam, I feared that I would never love Derek the way he deserved to be loved. The passion that stirred inside me in Adam’s presence I had never felt with someone else. Maybe it was always that way with our first love. Maybe our adult relationships are supposed to be more about friendship and commitment, and our maturity keeps us from the irrational love and passion that we feel in our youth.
I heard the pilot announce our approach in Los Angeles, pulling me from my wandering thoughts. I glanced at my watch, noting that it was almost seven in the evening. I was working the night shift the rest of the week and into the weekend, my penance for taking off a few days while my colleagues covered my shifts at the hospital. I was already looking forward to my own bed and a hot shower.
As I walked toward baggage claim, following the signs leading to a taxi that would take me to my beachfront apartment, I couldn’t help but smile when I saw Derek waiting for me. He was leaning against a pillar in a navy polo shirt that was casually untucked, low-rise jeans and leather flip-flops, his legs crossed at the ankles. His dreamy tan face was pulled into a warm smile that reached his nearly gray eyes. His light-brown hair was styled perfectly, sexy gelled peaks framing his face. He held a small sign in one hand, propped against his midsection, that read in bold letters Got Brooks? I slowly strolled toward him, pulling my carry-on behind me.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I asked as he pulled me into his arms, my feet leaving the ground as he spun me around. When my feet touched the ground again, he leaned down and kissed me.
“I missed you and thought you could use a ride home. The taxi line is a bitch this time of night.”
“I missed you too.”
He took my suitcase and walked me to his car, his arm around my lower back.
This felt safe and familiar, and I felt the tension of the past two days melt away as I leaned against him, my hand resting in the back pocket of his jeans.
On the drive to my place, he asked me about the funeral. It seemed like weeks ago. I described the service and the speech that I gave, purposefully leaving out the part about Adam; I wasn’t ready to dive into everything yet. Derek told me about his trip to New York and the company that his team had just brought public after months of hard work and due diligence. It sounded like a very successful launch, and I was happy for him.
Derek pulled his car into my designated guest parking space next to the garage and killed the engine. “Mind if I come up for a little awhile?” he asked, knowing me well enough not to assume that he was invited to stay.
“Not at all,” I replied, giving him a quick kiss on the mouth.
The warm salty air was welcoming after the arctic chill that I had just come from. I said as much to Derek. He laughed, reminding me that he had been in New York, where the northeast had its own version of cold. Once inside my dark apartment, Derek suggested that I should take a nice hot shower while he made me something to eat. With the steaming-hot water spraying over my head, I tried to wash away the last few days. I debated about what to say to Derek and when. I would just have to find the right time, whenever it presented itself. I quickly dried my hair and pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
When I emerged from the bathroom, I was shocked at the scene in front of me. The room was dark, candles of all different shapes and sizes were lit around the room and I could smell something yummy coming from the kitchen. “Derek?” I called out hesitantly, not sure what to think.
Derek casually strolled into the room and reached for my hands. He led me to the couch and sat down beside me.
“What’s all this?” I asked, my eyes scanning the room.
He took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Kendi, I know that we’ve talked about this, and you keep saying that you’re not ready...but I’m ready enough for the both of us. I just reached the top of the world in my career this past week, the place that guys in my field only dream about. And I realized that it means nothing to me if I don’t have you to share it with. My existence means nothing without you.” He dropped down to one knee, holding a tiny box in his hand.
My heart completely stopped beating in my chest.
“Kendi, will you marry me?”
I clasped my hand over my mouth to hold in the gasp that my body desperately needed to expel. “Derek.” I dropped down to my knees on the floor in front of him. “There’s something that I need to tell you before I give you my answer.” I took the box from his hand and placed it on the end table next to me. He looked confused and defeated as he lowered himself all the way to the floor, stretching his legs out on either side of me. I clasped his hands in mine and placed them in my lap.
“Okay, I’m listening,” he said, clearly nervous about what it was that I had to say.
“There’s something about me that I never told you. I never told anyone until today.”
~
I told him the complete story about my past, about Adam, the pregnancy and adoption. It was much easier to talk about everything now. I felt emotionally disconnected from the story as if I were telling someone else’s secrets. The look on Derek’s face was hard to read and my fear of what he saw now when he looked at me was the one thing that brought me to tears. He started to speak, but I interrupted him, letting him know that there was more I had to say.
As if I hadn’t dropped enough in his lap already, I confessed that I spent the night with Adam and explained Adam’s reaction that morning when I finally revealed the truth to him. The hurt in Derek’s eyes was undeniable now. I knew that I had pushed him away at this point, so I waited patiently for him to respond.
He stood up and moved to sit on the couch, leaning back into the cushions. “Kendi, I don’t know what to say.”
I pulled myself up from the floor and sat next to him. “I know that it’s a lot to process. I’m so sorry about keeping this from you. I haven’t talked about it in ten years. And I’m sorry about last night. I don’t know what happened. I just got caught up in the past.”
“Do you still love him?” he asked, his eyes burning into me.
It was a valid question, but still... “I don�
��t know,” I answered honestly. I wasn’t sure about anything right now.
“Well, that’s not very convincing.” He scrubbed his face with his hands, his fingers rubbing across his eyes.
As I watched his every move, I silently wished that he would wipe away the look of disappointment that he held in his eyes, taking with it the shame that was consuming me. He clasped his hands in his lap and looked right at me. “You’re right. This is a lot to take in. Oddly I’m putting myself in Adam’s shoes, and I can’t imagine what he must be feeling right now. I can’t grasp the idea that the warm, compassionate and loving person that I fell in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with could do something like this, something so dishonest and wrong. I feel like I don’t even know who you are.”
“Derek, I’m still me. I was eighteen and scared. It was complicated. Don’t think that I haven’t regretted my decision every day for the past ten years. Please try to understand.”
“That’s just it, I don’t understand. And to think that you spent the night with him last night... I don’t know what to think about that.”
“I didn’t have sex with him. I couldn’t do that to you, Derek.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better. You obviously feel something for him.”
I didn’t say anything. We both sat in silence for several minutes as I wiped away the tears that spilled down my cheeks. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. “Say something,” I pleaded.
“What do you want me to say, Kendi?” he asked.
He was so calm, always in control. Part of me wanted him to yell, to rip into me for what I had done, for the hurt that he must feel. But that was not him, and somehow it made me feel worse. “Say that you still love me and that we can get through this.”
“Of course I still love you. I love you so damn much.” He held my hand in his and brought it to his lips. “I think that I need some time. I need to figure out what this all means for us. And I think that I deserve this time.”
I sucked in a breath at his conclusion. “I understand,” was all I could say.
He kissed me softly on the lips, his hand brushing my cheek. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“I love you, Derek,” I whispered against his lips, reassuring him as I kissed him one more time. He stood, retrieving the small box from the table and making his way to the door.
I sat there, watching him go.
He stopped in the doorway and turned back to look at me. “What would your answer have been?”
Silence hung heavy in the space between us as I contemplated my answer. “I can’t answer that right now.” I shrugged.
He gave me the saddest smile, as if he already knew what my answer would be and closed the door behind him.
I pulled my knees into my chest and sobbed. I had hurt so many people in the past twenty-four hours. I was caught in the swirling vortex of my lies, sucking in everyone that I loved with me. How did my life get so messed up?
I eventually made my way into the kitchen to find warm pasta in the oven and a green salad set aside for me. Derek was too good to me. I didn’t deserve him. I tried to eat a few bites, but I wasn’t in the mood to eat. I cleaned up the kitchen, happy to have something distracting to do. When I was done in the kitchen, I unpacked my suitcase and put away my clothes. I slipped into a pair of cotton shorts and a worn UW T-shirt and crawled into bed.
I reached over into my nightstand and felt around until I found what I was searching for: a book, its pages faded and frayed at the edges. Opening the book to a marked page somewhere near the middle, I found the worn photograph. I brushed my finger over the picture of a young college girl holding a beautiful baby with a handful of dark wavy hair. I flipped off the bedside lamp and held the photograph against my chest as I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of her face.
Rally
I woke early, thankful for a day off from the hospital. I had been working impossible hours, offering to cover fellow residents’ shifts for months in an attempt to keep my mind busy so that maybe I wouldn’t notice the constant ache in my chest. Three months had slipped by in the blink of an eye, and I was left wondering how I got here, to this place where everything was such a mess? My residency was the only thing that I had in my life that made any sense, so I clung to it.
I sat on the small deck that attached the stairs to my apartment and sipped my coffee, listening to the waves crash against the sand not far from where I was. I never tired of this view, the one place where I found peace in the constant crazy of my life. My mind started to drift to the places that I had been trying to avoid for months, but I couldn’t help but think about Adam and whether or not he would ever forgive me. I hadn’t heard from him since that day, not that I was surprised.
I hadn’t seen Derek since he had proposed. I was giving him the time that he needed. I occasionally received a text from him with a simple message like Thinking of you... Miss you. I hope that you are doing well. And I would respond desperately with I miss you like crazy. Please call me. Hope you are doing well too. It was probably for the best.
I needed this time to figure out what I wanted. I missed Derek terribly, but I still didn’t have an answer to his question. And I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I already had. I was still trying to sort through the emotions that Adam had stirred, the love that I continued to feel for him. His touch had ignited a part of me that had been asleep since that last summer that we had spent together. I guess that it didn’t really matter. He probably never wanted to speak to me again. I didn’t blame him.
My thoughts carried to Brooklyn. I gasped at the instantaneous stab of pain that I felt just from the image of her perfect face that I brought to the forefront of my mind. When I felt my heart overflowing with a sea of emotions, I decided to take a walk and try to make sense of what I was feeling. It had been so long since I had allowed myself to have these thoughts; I decided to give myself today to live in them. I knew that opening myself up to the past would leave a gaping wound in my soul, but I needed to feel something, anything, just for today.
Wearing only a pair of short cutoff jeans and a tank top, I pulled a thin white sweater over my head and slipped my bare feet into a pair of flip-flops. I quickly weaved my long hair into a loose braid that hung over my shoulder, to keep the strands from blowing into my face from the sea breeze, and made my way across the warm sand to the ocean’s edge. I strolled along the shore, my flip-flops now dangling from my hand, feeling the cold waves lap against my feet. I walked lost in my thoughts, picturing every detail of the day that she was born and every day that I had lived without her, this missing piece of my heart.
Vacant
I had been reluctant to leave the hospital, afraid that, once I left, it would feel as if the past two days had never happened. As much as I wanted to forget, to dull the unbearable pain in my heart, I also didn’t want to let her go.
Susanne had given me a file folder containing the Petersens’ home address and phone number, so that I could contact them if I wanted to. As much as I wanted to hold her in my arms that instant, I knew that each time I had to say good-bye would crush me all over again. And the thought of hearing Heather’s voice over the phone, sharing moments of my baby’s life that I wasn’t there to witness firsthand, created an ache beyond measure.
Marie took me to her apartment. I could see that she was hurting by the way that she looked at me, her eyes full of empathy. I spent two weeks in bed, letting my body recover and hoping beyond all else that my heart would recover just as quickly. Marie finally pulled me out of bed, her firm voice threatening to drag my mind from the coma that possessed me.
“All right, Kendi, enough is enough. You need to get a job and start helping out around here, and you need to register for your summer courses. Take a shower and eat something for God’s sake. You’ve already lost every pound you gained and then some.”
I took her advice, one step at a time. I took a shower, spending time washing my hair and shaving my legs, something I ha
dn’t done since, well, since that day. I couldn’t even think it—let alone say it—the pain threatening to swallow me up whole, leaving behind no trace of the girl that I once was.
I found a job as a barista at a quaint little coffee shop down the street. It was warm and comforting, and I hoped that somehow it would ebb the numbness that was slowly taking up residence in my heart. It was busy, and I welcomed the distraction. In the evenings, singer-songwriter types played their acoustical guitars and sang their ballads of love into a microphone, while I served espresso and lattes to loyal fans. The pay was surprisingly good, and the people that I worked with were young college students, like me, just trying to get by.
Marie strategically invited Tabatha over in an attempt to cheer me up while Marie was out. If anyone could bring a smile to my face, it was Tabatha. Marie was spending her weekends trying to make up for lost time with Reid. She had admitted to me that they “took a break”—her way of keeping my pregnancy from him—and now she was trying to patch things up. I felt guilty for causing so much stress in her life. She had been such a huge support for me. I owed her so much. I hadn’t realized how much she had sacrificed for me, supporting me in my decision. My love for her was unending, and I hoped that one day I could give back everything that she had given me.
Tabatha filled me in on all her latest conquests. She was not giving her ex-boyfriend a second chance. She was leaving soon, heading back to Austin for the summer break. We had decided to room together again in the fall, requesting this in our fall registration forms. It was comforting to know that I would have a good friend by my side next year. Although I couldn’t help but feel so different from the girl that I once was in Tab’s presence.
She, however, was ecstatic to have a drinking partner, a partner in crime as she had put it. She said this as we drank the margaritas that she had mixed for my benefit, and I commented on how much I had missed drinking and its numb, fuzzy affect that blurred the jagged edge of life. Tabatha didn’t ever bring up what had happened, and I loved her for that, but sometimes I saw her concern in the way that she looked at me. I knew that she wanted to ask me about it, but she was waiting for me to bring it up. She could keep waiting, because I didn’t think that I would ever be ready to talk about it.
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