~
I woke a few hours later, remembering the warmth of Adam’s body next to mine. I reached out, but the bed was empty. I slowly sat up, rubbing my eyes as they sought unfamiliar objects in the darkness. I could barely make out his silhouette, sitting quietly in a chair in the corner of the room, a fraction of light filtering in through a break in the heavy drapes behind him. His face was resting in his hand as he leaned against the arm of the chair, his eyes taking me in from across the room. “What are you doing over there?” I asked, confused.
“Watching you sleep,” he responded, the melancholy from earlier returning in his voice.
“What is it, Adam?” I pulled up the sheet and held it against my chest, suddenly feeling very exposed and vulnerable. He made his way over to me, sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed. He reached over and turned on the bedside lamp, its soft light illuminating the space around us. I could see his thick hair twisted in every direction, his eyes dark in the dim light. I took in the beauty of his face, instinctively wanting to reach out and touch him, but his mournful expression stopped me. Instead, he brought his hand to my face, brushing his thumb across my cheek, and then, as if he had suddenly thought better of it, dropped his hand to his lap. The pained look in his eyes tore me apart inside, and I was afraid of what he might say next.
“I have so many mixed emotions about today, or I guess I should say yesterday,” he said glancing at the digital clock next to the bed. It was two o’clock in the morning. His eyes rested on his hands in his lap as he picked at one of his nails absentmindedly. “It’s hard not to think about what could have been. If you had made different choices, if that was us with Brooklyn, raising her.”
I sucked in a breath and released it, anticipating what he was getting at. He looked up into my eyes once again.
“But the problem with the image that I see is that it’s one of who I am now, where I am now. And right now there’s definitely a place for her in my life. But I’m trying to put myself back to that year, where I was at the time, who I was then. And I was so selfish and determined. I wanted so much to please my parents, practically begging for their approval. I wanted to somehow assuage the guilt that I felt for betraying you and my brother. I wanted to make things right. I was so wrapped up in myself.
“When I was in Africa, I got caught up in the honor that they were bestowing upon me. I lost myself somewhere along the way, and, because of that, I lost you.” He reached out and cupped my cheek in his hand. He took a deep breath and returned his hand to his lap, and I felt a chill run through my body at the loss of heat from his touch.
“I will never feel that your choice to keep your pregnancy from me and to keep Brooklyn from me all these years was the right thing to do, because it was wrong on so many levels. But I also can’t help but put myself in your shoes. We were so young, and you must have been so scared, afraid of dragging me away from my dreams. I see now that your choices were not selfish at all but in my best interest, or so you thought at the time. And I want you to know that I forgive you, Kendi.”
I gasped at his words, tears streaming down my cheeks. This was the last thing that I had expected to hear from him. Loud sobs escaped me, and I buried my face in my hands. I could almost feel the heavy weight of my guilt lift from my body as his words washed over me. Wiping the tears from my eyes with my fingertips, I looked up at him as he continued. His mouth turned up on one side, a partial smile that touched his eyes as he brushed away a missed tear from my cheek with his thumb.
“It’s hard to ignore how happy Brooklyn is and seeing with my own eyes the caring and loving parents that Charles and Heather are, knowing that you found them and that you made all these grown-up decisions on your own.... I know that we could never have given her the life that she has. She would have been loved for sure, but that may not have been enough.
“I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you, making that choice all alone. When I think of you as the strong, kindhearted and beautiful girl that I fell in love with— I know that you were trying to make the best decision for both of us, and you did the right thing, Kendi. For all of us. I see that now. I wish that you would have told me, that we could have made this decision together, but we can’t go back and change the past.”
Taken back by his unexpected compassion, I was at a loss for words. I said the first thing that came to mind. “I’m so sorry, Adam. I truly am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to protect you.” I choked on my own words, struggling with my emotions.
He reached for me, pulling me against him. “Shh. It’s okay. I forgive you,” he reassured me in an attempt to comfort me, his arms softly stroking my back.
I threw my arms around his neck and buried my damp face against his shoulder. I had prayed for this moment for so long. He could not possibly understand what his words meant to me. My heart was overflowing with love for him. I pulled my face from his shoulder, running my fingertips through his hair; I slowly leaned in to kiss him.
I felt his hands on my shoulders, holding me back before I heard him sigh and whisper, “God, Kendi.”
I rested my forehead against his, giving him a moment to collect himself, for what I wasn’t sure.
“I should go back to my room.”
“Why? Adam?” I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but the words were caught in my throat, fear gripping my insides.
“I’ll see you in the morning.” He kissed my forehead and made his way toward the door.
“What happened tonight, what was that, Adam?” I called out to him.
He turned to face me, clearly torn up inside, sadness heavy in his eyes. “That was me letting go.” And with that said, he walked out the door.
I didn’t know what to feel. Angry, sad, relieved. His forgiveness was more than I deserved, but I wanted so much more than that. Wanting him to open up his heart to me again was obviously too much to ask. I lay back in bed, hugging a pillow close to my chest, wondering what I was supposed to do next. How was I supposed to move on after that? I could still smell him on my skin, feel the ghost of his touch—his warm lips against mine. I eventually drifted back to sleep, replaying Adam’s words in my mind.
~
I woke early before the sun, groggy from a nearly sleepless night. I decided to take a cab to the airport, avoiding the uncomfortable and inevitable good-bye with Adam. He was flying to Spokane that morning, around the same time as my flight to Los Angeles. The last thing I needed was a dramatic airport good-bye. I sent him a long text on the drive to the airport.
I feel like we have said enough good-byes for one lifetime. I didn’t want to leave without saying something. Thank you for this past week and for convincing me to come with you to see Brooklyn. It was the best decision I have made in a long time. And thank you for telling me how you felt last night. You have no idea what your words mean to me, how they have already changed me. I truly am sorry, Adam. For everything. Until next time...
K
While sitting on the plane, watching people pass by in the aisle to find their seats, my cell phone buzzed continuously. I checked the screen to find several missed calls from Adam. I powered down my phone and dropped it back in my bag. I wasn’t sure what was left to say, what he could possibly need to tell me at this point. I could still feel his hands on my skin, my body still abuzz from his heated touch. The passion that we had shared the night before was mind blowing, and I knew that it was going to be so much harder to move forward with those memories fresh in my mind. But I wouldn’t take it back; I wouldn’t change what had happened between us.
Upon arrival in L.A., I turned my phone back on and immediately noticed that I had a text waiting. Assuming the text was from Adam, I was shocked to see Derek’s name on the screen. Can we talk? Have dinner with me. After waiting to hear those words from him for months, this was when he decided to contact me? My head was all over the place because of the past few days, but I responded anyway. I found myself disappointed that the text wasn’t from Adam. H
e hadn’t left a voice mail either. I guess that he’d said everything that he needed to say.
Derek wanted me to meet him at our favorite beach restaurant near my place the following night. I let him know that I would be there. I knew what I needed to say to him, but I was unsure of what it was he wanted to say to me; nerves pooled in my gut from the uncertainty of it all.
Still Waters
I rushed through my makeup routine, coating my eyelashes with mascara and brushing a clear gloss across my lips. Glancing in the mirror one last time, feeling satisfied with my dark skinny jeans and sheer black tunic, I walked the two short blocks to the restaurant. I was excited but feeling anxious to see Derek. It had been a few months, longer than I had expected when he had said that he “needed time.” Derek was waiting for me outside when I reached the double glass doors that led into our favorite seafood bistro.
“Hi, beautiful,” he greeted me with an inviting hug. “Mmm, I missed you,” he mumbled as he inhaled the familiar perfume on my neck and kissed me on the cheek.
“Hi,” I said with a grin as I hugged him back, happy to see him. He looked incredible in his expensive jeans slung low on his hips and a baby-blue button-down shirt. His hair was perfectly styled, showcasing his gorgeous eyes. My feelings for this man came rushing back to me. I couldn’t help but notice that they felt only skin deep in comparison to the intense emotional roller coaster that my heart rode every time that I was near Adam. I couldn’t deny the physical chemistry that Derek and I had, but was that enough?
“Shall we?” he asked, releasing me and guiding me through the doors with his hand resting on the small of my back. We were led to our favorite table near the back of the restaurant.
Derek ordered a bottle of wine for us, and we put our menus to the side, already knowing what we were going to order. “So how have you been, Kendi?”
“Good. Busy. So much has happened since I saw you last. How have you been?”
“Crazy busy. We’ve been hammering out all the fine details with NetTech’s IPO. I’ve been in New York for weeks.”
“I’m really happy for you, Derek. I know how hard you’ve worked on this account.”
“Thanks, it’s good to be home though.”
The waitress arrived with our bottle of wine, uncorked it and poured a small amount in a glass for Derek to taste. He nodded at her, satisfied. She filled both of our glasses, placing the bottle on the table as she left us to our conversation.
“You look beautiful, Kendi. Something’s different with you, and I can’t put my finger on it. Does this have anything to do with everything that’s happened since I saw you last?”
“Maybe,” I admitted. “I saw my daughter, Derek.” I was nervous to tell him, not sure how he’d feel about my past, but I couldn’t hide the smile on my face as I thought of Brooklyn.
“I went to Bellingham and spent an entire day with her. She’s ten now and so amazing. And something has changed. I feel...I don’t know, lighter somehow. Does that sound crazy?”
He looked genuinely happy for me, but there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. The waitress returned to take our order, and, when we were alone again, Derek responded. “No, it’s not crazy. I see it in your eyes. That’s great, really, Kendi. I am happy for you. What brought all this on? I mean, after all these years, why now?”
I took a deep breath before I told him the hard part. “Adam showed up here last week.” He cringed at the sound of Adam’s name. “He wanted to know all the details, and he wanted to meet her. He insisted that I go with him, so I did.” I looked into Derek’s eyes waiting for his response.
“So you two went up there together?” he asked hesitantly.
I nodded.
“And now?”
“And now nothing. We went our separate ways. He told me that he forgives me for everything, telling me that giving up Brooklyn was the right thing to do. Although I don’t think that he’ll ever really forgive me for lying to him.”
“How do you feel about him, Kendi?”
It was hard to look into Derek’s eyes and tell him the truth, knowing that it would hurt him. But I didn’t have any other choice. “Honestly? I still love him. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I do. I’m sorry, Derek. It doesn’t matter how I feel though. Adam and I have too much past between us, so there’s no starting over or going back.”
“Where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know.” It was an honest answer. I didn’t know. I loved Derek. It was different than what I felt for Adam, but I loved him nonetheless. It wasn’t like I had to choose between Adam or Derek; Adam wasn’t an option. But was that fair to Derek, knowing that, if given the choice, I would choose someone else?
Our dinner arrived, interrupting the uncomfortable silence between us. I moved my food around on my plate, having lost my appetite from the turn in conversation. We ate in silence. I finished my wine, and Derek poured me another glass, always the gentleman. I put down my fork finally and looked at Derek, waiting for him to say something, anything. I needed him to make the choice. I needed him to choose to be with me or not, because I couldn’t make that decision for us.
“Kendi, I was hoping that this time apart would seal the deal for you. I was hoping that you would be just as miserable without me as I have been without you. But, instead, I feel like it confirmed what you feel for someone else. How do I compete with that?” He tossed his napkin on his plate in frustration.
“You shouldn’t have to,” I said, wishing that things were different. I didn’t deserve Derek. He deserved to be with someone who loved him completely, and maybe I could do that one day, but I knew that I couldn’t give him that right now. I had to let him go. I reached my hand across the table and held his hand in mine. “Derek, you deserve so much more than I can give you right now. I love you. I do. But I have a lot to sort out right now, and you shouldn’t have to wait for me to do that. Maybe if the timing was different... I don’t know what else to say.”
Derek pulled away his hand, reaching for his wallet. He threw a stack of bills on the table and stood, reaching for my hand.
“Come on. I’ll walk you home.”
I took his hand, and we made our way outside. We strolled hand in hand toward my apartment, breathing in the thick salty scent of the ocean. We walked in silence, but my mind was reeling from the anticipation of how this night was going to end.
Derek escorted me up the stairs to my door. I turned toward him. “Do you want to come in?”
“I probably shouldn’t.” He pulled me into his arms and rested his chin on my head, his hands clasped on my lower back.
I felt my tears building, knowing that a good-bye was looming in the air.
“I love you so much, Kendi. But I can’t share your heart with someone else. I need to know without a doubt that you only want me, that I’m enough for you. I know that you can’t promise me that, and I understand, I do. I might regret this for the rest of my life, but this has to be good-bye.”
I was sobbing into his chest. I knew that he was right. It was over, but it didn’t make it any easier. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him tighter against me. We held each other for what had seemed like forever, neither one of us wanting to let go.
He finally pulled away, and I looked up at him through my tears. Gently wiping them from my cheeks, he leaned down to kiss me.
I poured every ounce of love that I felt for him into our kiss. We kissed long and hard, until I could feel everything that we had slipping away.
He must have felt it too, releasing me with the gravest look in his eyes. “Good-bye, Kendi.”
“Bye, Derek,” I whispered, as he turned toward the stairs. He didn’t let go of my hand until I was no longer within reach, and then he was gone.
~
I went straight to bed, exhausted from such an emotional week. I held my worn photograph of Brooklyn and me from long ago close to my heart, drawing comfort from the memory rather than the soul-shattering torment that th
is same picture had seemed to confront me with in the past. I had finally accepted the idea that I could not change the past, but I could move forward and embrace the future. A future with Brooklyn in my life. I had called my mother and Marie when I’d returned from Bellingham, sharing all the details of our reunion. It felt liberating to voice the emotions that I had experienced that day, opening up a part of me that I had kept closed off all those years. They were both looking forward to the day that they would meet her.
I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, still clutching the photograph against my chest. I couldn’t ignore the quiet calm that pervaded my mind and my heart. I was completely alone. I had managed to lose both Adam and Derek due to my secrets and lies. The past really does catch up with us, eventually. I couldn’t deny the change I felt in my heart though, now that I had been honest with myself and everyone that I loved.
I could breathe again without the weight of the repressed guilt and shame that had threatened to suffocate me for so long. The truth had set me free. It had stilled the ripple cascading through my life, quieting the storm inside my soul. I felt complete, whole. I knew that time would mend what was broken, helping me to let go of the men that I had loved but lost. But for once, I was no longer broken, I was healed. And the peace that I found in that made it all worth it.
Epilogue
I rushed from the cab, holding my jacket over my head to block the rain from hitting my face. I was running late. My flight was delayed, and I had come straight from the airport. I had texted Heather to let her know, and she had promised to save me a seat. Quickly leaving my damp coat and suitcase at the coat check, I made my way into the auditorium. I spotted my empty seat in the second row from the front. I quietly made my way down the center aisle of the performing arts center, my eyes scanning the group of dancers on the stage until I found Brooklyn.
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