Of Stars & Lies

by R. M. Grace

  Loveren fingers fall back against his jeans where they drum on his thighs. He wants to cover the hands that blind him to steady his heart. Yet, he doesn't want to appear freaked out by the whole ordeal. Sure, he is incapable of fear, especially over something so trivial, but it is better than Cade knowing the real reason for his need to reach out and touch him.

  ***

  There was no reasoning behind the 'get up and go' attitude, other than spontaneity. He has thought hard about coming clean to Love for days. Now, he has concluded this is his opportunity, and if he doesn't take it now, he never will. How he takes his secret is anybody's guess, but at least he cannot get angry.

  The gate slaps shut behind them after he struggles to hustle it open without removing his hands. They trample over the soggy bark from the earlier shower as they head over to the playground within the gloom. The lamp on the pathway illuminates enough to keep him from losing his footing, or shoving Love face-first into something. Yet, it's not enough to dispel the ominous shadows that stretch along the grass, or gravel.

  “Be careful when you sit,” he whispers beside his ear. A plume of grey breath slips from his mouth and is gone seconds later.

  As he eases Love onto the plastic, metal tingles from beside him. He can tell the sound alerts his mate to where he is sitting in an instant by the way his body tenses. Yet, he remains silent.

  “Right, open your eyes.”

  When he takes a seat next to Love, the damp soaks through his jeans, but he couldn't care less. He is too busy watching Love wrap his fingers around the chains like he did when he were a child.

  Cade mimics the action on his swing with the cold kissing his skin, but he doesn't mind. Infact, it's plesant even though the chains gather rust in places and scratch against his fingers.

  “Aren't you going to ask what we're doing here?” He glances through the darkness beyond the fence as he digs his heels in and pushes backwards.

  “You said you had a secret.”

  “I see the medication hasn't made you any more patient.”

  “Oh, you have no idea how patient I am,” Love sighs. “So are you going to tell me?”

  “Soon.”

  Cade halts his movement and glances around their surroundings until he locates what he is after. “Do you remember when we were messing about on that?”

  Love spins around and snorts. “You mean, when you were messing around, fell and knocked your front teeth out?”

  Cade turns away from the wooden see-saw's horse heads which he smacked his mouth on. His lip swelled like a water bomb and his gums bled down his chin that day. They were six, but he held the tears back because he didn't want Love to see him acting like a baby. Truth was, he was more angry that he acted so stupidly and embarrassed himself.

  “As I recall, I was balancing in the middle and you were slamming it back and forth until I fell.”

  “That's what happens when you don't hold on,” Love comments with no empathy.

  The shuffle of feet within the bark forces Cade to glance at his company. The light glimmers orange along the smooth hollow of Love's cheek and, for a moment, he mistakes the vivid hue for flames.

  “Out with it then. You didn't bring me here for a trip down memory lane.”

  The teeth that grew back to replace those that flew out his mouth grit his plump lip before a frown takes over. “Don't you remember how it feels to have fun? Back then we didn't have a care in the world.”

  “A lot has happened since then.”

  Cade bows his head. “I hate seeing you like this. I know you're still you, but I miss you.”

  What can he do about that though?

  Loveren scowls and glances away.

  “Is that what you brought me here for? Today hasn't exactly been the best.”

  “You need to get on with your life. I know you say you can't, but I—”

  The chains rattle as his mate pushes himself to his feet. He tries to flee from this conversation's direction, but Cade pulls him back down by his jacket It may not be the strongest of tugs, but he is powerless not to fall back onto his backside with his feet not balancing properly.

  “I'm sorry, okay? Just hear me out,” Cade rushes to spew out.

  Love agrees with reluctance, but leans over onto his knees to show he is not happy about it in the slightest. If it were lighter out here, Cade knows what he would be seeing—a scowl harsh enough to form visible indents around his mouth through the stubble. Under other circumstances, the expression would set his insides on fire because Love doesn't realise just how adorable he looks when he's sulking. Right now though, the thought of him scowling has him wanting the ground to open beneath his feet and swallow him whole.

  Although he wants to say something, the nerves force him to remain silent. He wishes he could just spit the words out so he can crawl into bed and sleep this day away.

  “I lied to you.”

  The words snap Love's attention back, but when he turns to face him, he cannot glance into his eyes.

  “Alec and I kind of broke up.”

  “'Kind of'?”

  “We broke up,” Cade admits with a pang of guilt. “Months ago.”

  ***

  Love chews on the information for a moment. On one hand, he is as elated by the news as the medication will allow. On the other, he wonders why Cade couldn't tell him before now.

  Are we not that close any more?

  “Why didn't you tell me?”

  “I thought you had enough to deal with without worrying about me. Hold up, where are you going?”

  This time, when Love gets to his feet he isn't restrained. Without the blindfold of Cade's palms, he crosses the playground in seconds. He is out the gate and slamming it before Cade can stand.

  So he's been pretending to be in a relationship this whole time?

  Loveren's mind swirls with all the stories Cade told about he and Alec and what they were getting up to. A surge of an indescribable force ploughs through his being as he grips at his head and tries to make sense of this.

  Loveren doesn't realise he is muttering under his breath until Cade catches up with him at a jog and tries to grab him again.

  “Why are you angry?”

  “Angry?” When Love turns, the heat must radiate from him like a furnace because his mate's features scrunch together as though he is being physically scolded. “I'm incapable of anger, or have you forgotten that? I'm nothing but a shit mate who's reduced to a damn zombie.”

  This time, when Cade grabs his arm, he allows his fingers to tug on his elbow. For many reasons he cannot stand the closeness right now, but cannot resist it either.

  “I didn't mean what I said to sound like that. I'm sorry.”

  “So, what did you mean—I don't care about anyone because I'm too absorbed in my own shit, or I'm incapable of handling the truth?”

  “No, I lied again. It's not your fault I said nothing.”

  “So, what is the truth then? You're so damn confusing.”

  Cade sighs. “Maybe I'm just too scared to tell you, okay?”

  Love allows Cade to hustle him across the grass and onto the bench where he settles his back against the cold metal with a grimace. Even through his layers, the unwelcome touch is like a ghost inside an unlit room.

  The night is encompassing around this side of the park. The closest lamp around the curve ten feet away is now obscured by the tall bush rows. The sky has become black with wisps of stubborn navy, which lends a serene atmosphere to the enlightening conversation neither want to have.

  “The truth is he dumped me and I was too embarrassed to say.”

  “Why?”

  “Not that you'd know, but it's not thrilling to know you're not good enough for someone else.”

  I know it better than anyone!

  “Did he say that?”

  “No. He said it was because of me. He said I wasn't 'there'. I was there physically, but he said it felt like I didn't want to be.”

  “Did you?”
<
br />   Cade releases a heavy breath. “I thought I did, or at least I convinced myself I did.”

  You made it sound like you were madly in love and ready to settle down.

  “So why did he think that? I thought you more than liked him by the way you spoke about him.”

  Cade shuffles on the damp metal, obviously wishing he could retract this entire conversation. After chewing his lip for a moment, he mumbles words that whip Love's nerves into a whirlwind he hasn't experienced in months.

  “He said he could tell I'm in love with someone else.”

  Love's ears prick up at those words, and he turns to glance at his mate, whose eyes fixate on the pond within the darkness. The water glimmers as the moon peeks out from behind the clouds to paint beauty within the darkness.

  “Are you?” He scratches at his eye and prays his voice doesn't give away the hope he hears with his own ears.

  “I guess I spoke about him a lot because I was trying to get a reaction,” he replies, ignoring the question.

  “A reaction from whom?” Love replays the conversation in his mind before it clicks. “From me?”

  Cade cannot meet his gaze, so settles for a shifty glance from the corner of his eye. He dry coughs onto his fist before he entwines his fingers against his knees, and Loveren can tell he is wishing he could vanish into thin air with all his might.

  “Were you trying to make me—”

  “Jealous? Yeah. I know it's stupid, you can't even feel anything like that.”

  “Hey, I'm not a robot. I feel emotion, you know?”

  Cade hunches over and leans his elbows onto his knees, then dips his head. Perhaps to hide further embarrassment, Love cannot tell.

  Why would he want me to be jealous, unless he . . .

  ***

  “Did it work? No, actually don't answer that,” he amends before he can hear the rejection.

  His back hits the back rest with far more force than he intends, but he doesn't care. He has basically said what he wants without speaking the words, so he might as well come clean. Even if Loveren doesn't want to talk to him again, the risk is worth taking.

  But what if he doesn't? That will fucking kill me.

  “I love you. I have since that day on the see-saw, perhaps even before then. It's all I've ever known, so I trust that feeling because it's the only thing that's real to me.”

  Loveren's arm rubs against his back before he snakes his hand through the gap and pulls Cade's hands apart. When his fingers lock with his and the warmth travels into him, hope slips inside his heart.

  “Come with me.” Love's voice is husky, but not filled with the hatred Cade expected from his confession. The voice is the same one he can hear singing that stupid pop song he can't stop listening to because it reminds him of the times they cuddled as teenagers—a time before life came between them. It's the voice that melts his mind into a fumbling mess and makes him smile like a lunatic.

  “Where are we going?”

  As Love gets to his feet and pulls him up to join him, Cade stumbles as his feet connect with his and he falls forward.

  “Sorry,” he mumbles as his mate's strong grip grasps his arms to keep them both from tumbling over.

  A warm breath graces his lips, so close he could claim them if he had the guts. He almost does until Love pulls away with a hollow chuckle.

  “Let's get back to mine. I dunno about you, but I'm freezing my balls off out here.”

  ***

  Silence sits between them on the way home, but unlike before, it doesn't feel awkward as both keep drifting into their own reflection. He's chuffed Love remains a step in front while he swings their arms because he cannot stop himself from grinning. His palm sticks to Love's and, every few minutes, he will give it a light squeeze to make his grin widen even further.

  Over the span of his lifetime, he has got shit-faced in clubs and picked up random guys. He would take them home and hope he could forget about Love in time. They would fall into his apartment with their hands and mouths all over one another, but the truth was, he forgot each encounter straight after. He wanted to feel alive, but knew only one person could help him achieve that—a guy that can't enjoy living to its fullest. Honestly, not once did he enjoy any tryst half as much as he enjoys sitting on the sofa talking rubbish with Love. So, when they step through the front door, he expects nothing more than that. He is content with that.

  When Love disappears into the bedroom, he scoops up his beer from the coffee table and empties the frothy remnants in the sink.

  “Yeah, you're so rock and roll,” Love calls.

  Cade chuckles as he throws the can in the trash. “Didn't you hear rock and roll is sensible now?”

  Once he turns the lights off, he steps into the bedroom to find Love propped on the pillow. A forest green t-shirt with a yellow emblem on the front clings to his firm body. The sleeves hug his biceps as they relax with his hands against his stomach. Wisps of dark hair poke out from the collar, calling Cade's attention to the place he has longed to run his tongue over for years. Something about chest hair drives him wild with lust, but none more than Love's.

  His lean, muscular legs poke out from his loose boxers as he stretches them across the inviting sheets. Cade traces his mate's body upwards from his perfectly shaped toes to the hint of what lies beneath the material. He sees Loveren this way all the time, but now something is different. He cannot tell if he's imagining it, but the change is impossible to ignore.

  The lamp casts a subtle orange warmth over the room where it would otherwise carry a chill. The bed calls him to venture further inside, so he complies with a renewed confidence. His feet are still sore from last night, but the heartache the nightmare brought on is nowhere to be found now. This time, when he creeps up to the bed, the action doesn't fill him with guilt, but an excitement he can barely contain.

  Cade slips his t-shirt off, aware the emerald eyes opposite are following his every move. When he lets the top fall to the floor, he raises his eyebrows as he waits to hear a grunt to signal Love's usual disproval, but only a smile finds him. So he unzips his jeans and lets them fall around his ankles to join it. He fights his socks and the cuffs over his feet while hopping on the carpet to cause the cuts around his toes to sting.

  When he is free of the clothes, he stalks the bed with his thoughts running feral. He would like nothing more than to have skin to skin contact, but when Love's eyes stare up at him, his body trembles.

  Being in his presence is good enough.

  “What're you doing?”

  Cade says nothing as he crawls onto the bed, and with a light nudge, he pushes Love's hands from his stomach and settles his head there instead.

  Loveren holds his hands in the air for a moment, confused where to place them. He isn't the cuddling type, neither has he ever been, but soon, he is wrapping one arm around Cade's neck and caressing his back.

  Cade can hear Loveren's heartbeat speed into a fevered pace as it throbs against his ear and, for the first time in his life, he feels like he is home.

  Six

  Loveren lies there staring at the clock. The time is twenty past two, and he is yet to find sleep. His mind struggles in and out of thoughts he cannot bare to part with. The main thought encompassing his brain is Cade's soft voice confessing his love. Those words weave themselves into his chest until he feels ready to explode.

  He was falling asleep on the sofa earlier. And, although cold and irritated, the lazy wave of sleep circled him in the park. Yet, his mind snapped into life once he closed his eyes and snuggled close to Cade. Now, he cannot find what he seeks.

  The usual course of action would be to get up and watch television. The bland faces and ordinary conversations will soon have him snoring through boredom, but he cannot drag himself away from the body in his bed. Cade is closer than he has ever been, so to trade his heat for the chill outside the blanket would be stupid.

  He turns onto his side and snuggles his face into Cade's neck. Without the materia
l between Cade's stomach and his wandering hand, Love dances his fingertips over the smoothness. His skin is clammy to the touch, and every few minutes, he moans in the throes of sleep. Yet, the moans are not filled with pleasure.

  Loveren has heard him this way many times over the years—enough to know he is having that damn nightmare again. In a minute, his soft moans will become harsh. Words will become screams and he will thrash about the sheets trying to fight off the intruder.

  Loveren could wake him, but doesn't. He knows from experience it doesn't stop the dream from finding him. The only way to rid him of the terror is to go through it. So, he watches him, waiting for the inevitable to occur. The least he can do is be here to cuddle when he wakes.

  On queue, Cade's body releases tiny trembles at first. Moments later, his limbs jolt and his breathing increases. When his moans become pleas, Love's heart aches for not intervening.

  Loveren runs his fingers down Cade's bicep and whispers words of encouragement. He tells him everything will be okay because he's here and, for a while at least, those words sooth his demons.

  If I could take the bad away, I would. If only you knew that.

  The time is quarter past three when Cade's mumbles begin again, stirring Love from the shallow edges of sleep. When he glances at him, the moonlight highlights the rise of his cheek and his eyelids as the scrunch together. Those beautiful lashes flicker and his lips part to replay his earlier messages.

  Loveren watches his shoulders rise and fall with panicked breathing before his hand reaches for him. His fingers land on Loveren's loose underwear before he clenches the material within his fist, and exhales sharply through his nostrils.

  With his fingers warm from hiding beneath the covers, Loveren strokes his cheek and places a damp kiss between his eyes. The action freezes Cade in place with a stoic expression.

  “I'm here,” he reminds him.

  Cade's lips curl up at the corners before they drop into a frown again.