Of Stars & Lies

by R. M. Grace

  If Cade's father wasn't in prison, serving a lifetime sentence for murder, no words would help. His mate is lucky he only ended up with a scar from the fateful night he is reliving in his sleep. If the knife was another inch to the left, it would have pierced his liver, and he'd have bled out before Loveren got to him.

  Love thanks old jealously for something at least. Had he not been following him home, events would have turned out differently. At least Cade picked no one up from the club that night, which most likely spared a life.

  Cade's father cannot handle his only son being gay, but that is just the first step up a tall tower of problems his father has. Cade grew up with his father's insecurities from living under his mental illnesses and strange belief system for far too long.

  Guess that's why he wants me to get better so bad. He wants me back because he couldn't get his dad back once the problems took hold.

  He knows there's more to it than that, but that's apart of the reason.

  Am I part of the problem? Will I be enough for him? Good enough?

  Now he is back awake, those damn thoughts and questions run rampant through his mind until they're all he can think about. He has never felt good enough for Cade, but now he knows how his mate feels, his worry switches to whether he will be another disappointment. Will he just be someone else who winds up hurting him like his father did?

  No, I won't let that happen.

  “I couldn't hurt you,” he whispers between the sheets. “Never.”

  “Hmm, Love?”

  “I'm here,” Love reminds him with a squeeze.

  The moon outlines Cade's smile before he urges his body forward to lean his face against Loveren's chest. Love wraps his strong hand around him for protection and drops gentle kisses in his hair.

  Dampness mingles with the hair on Loveren's chest, which can mean only one thing: he must have been crying in his sleep. The knowledge makes Love pledge to make this recurring nightmare disappear. He doesn't know how he'll do it, but he won't rest until that smile is on Cade's face the entire night.

  Seven

  Since that night, Loveren has woken to the same sight each morning—shimmering hazel eyes and smiling lips. The most beautiful sight he believes exists.

  It has been a week since his mate's confession and Love guesses they are much more than mates now. Only, without the physical side, which is becoming a huge problem. Not to Cade. He would never say a word about it if it were up to him. But to Love it is becoming a weight upon his mind he cannot take any longer.

  If I can't please him, how long can I hold onto him?

  It is the sole thought that comes each morning after seeing those perfect eyes. That perfect smile.

  So, he has come up with a plan: he must stop taking the pills. With any luck, he can convince Dr Mills to change his medication at his appointment later. Even a smaller dose of Citropram might spring life into his non-responsive genitals.

  Cade pushes one leg out the quilt as he stretches. Once the cold catches him, he reels the golden limb back inside with a shiver.

  How is his complexion sun-kissed all the time?

  A sun bed isn't something Cade has, or would consider; he can't even stand sunbathing.

  “It'll go well, you'll see.”

  The headboard whines as he fidgets as though he is under scrutiny. When he turns to him, Cade is wearing a grin that only furthers his unease.

  “The doctors will give you what you want.”

  How does he know what I'm thinking all the time? I'm going to have to defend my thoughts better.

  “You can't, you're an open book.”

  Love closes his mouth and tries to rid the violation in his expression.

  “What I want? And there was me thinking you only wanted me for my body.”

  Cade sniggers loud to make his point. “Oh, I want your body, trust me. What I mean is: you're worrying about making me happy. Well, congratulations, you've done that. You do every second I'm with you. Even when I'm not, I'm smiling and that is all because of you.”

  A moist kiss lands on his stubbled cheek.

  “You know, we don't have to wait,” Love purrs.

  He slips his body over the hottest guy to ever lie underneath him. While urgent fingers run over his body, he pushes Cade's thighs apart with his knee. Cade's warm legs wraps around him in an embrace that joins them together. As his firm thighs tighten around his back and pull him closer, a seductive smile finds Love, summoning him closer to claim those plump lips.

  They lose themselves in one another, and it isn't long before Cade's arousal drives into his groin. As soon as Love feels his length, he pulls back to stare down into his eyes. The clouds may have taken the sky, but they cannot steal his sunshine.

  “We can do something else.” With a grin, Love is dipping inside his lover's boxers when a hand stops him.

  “Not yet.”

  “I want to make you feel good. It will take the edge off until—”

  “No.” Cade eases out from beneath the weight after he releases his grip from Loveren's lower back. The scratch of Cade's curly hair from his legs slips away, leaving Loveren feeling lost despite them still touching.

  Love pushes up enough to allow Cade some leeway to pull himself onto his elbows. When it becomes uncomfortable, he straddles his legs.

  “Look, I haven't bottomed for years. You know it's not my thing, but I'm willing to try—”

  “Shut up, will you,” Cade interrupts. “I forgot how worked up you get when you start panicking.”

  “I'm not panicking.”

  “Sure,” he replies with sarcasm claiming his voice. “I don't want us doing anything yet. You can see how much I want this.” He gestures to the bulge straining against his underwear with a chuckle. “I've been waiting for this since I can remember and, when we do, I want us both to feel it.”

  “Are you sure?” Love leans his lips to Cade's ear and nips the lobe. “I can always use my mouth.”

  Cade pulls Love's jaw toward him and drops a quick peck on his chin.

  “Get ready for the doctors before I lose my resolve,” he laughs as he pushes the strong thighs off him.

  Deflated, Loveren sighs. If the doctor refuses to drop his dose, he doesn't know what he will do. But if it means keeping Cade, he knows he will do whatever it takes.

  Eight

  Loveren pulls his medication free from the side table. He slips the foil sleeve of pills out the box and pops a round pill into his palm.

  The doctors advised him to stay on the course he is on and continue with the therapy sessions. With his suicide attempt in the past, Dr Mills was reluctant to change something that is, in his words, “working like magic”.

  The physical side of his new relationship with Cade will have to go on hold for the foreseeable future.

  He places the tablet on his tongue and reaches for the glass of water before he draws back. He plucks the pill from his mouth and holds it before his face.

  “You're the problem,” he tells the pill. At the moment, he cannot name one good reason he has for taking them in.

  “If I take you out the equation, then life will be great,” he smirks.

  With hesitation, he replaces the pill into the open packet and closes the box. In the front room, he stuffs the box into the back of the desk drawer, and covers it with folders and random paper.

  I shouldn't be doing this.

  He almost reaches back inside to retrieve the pills when he spots a photograph stuck to the side of the drawer. When he pulls it free, a grin spreads across his face. He must have missed it while he was sorting the photographs into albums to pass the time, but he is glad to find this one separate from the others.

  He remembers where he and Cade were—on a pebbled beach in a caravan park in Devon. They sat on the large rocks talking about everything and anything into the night. And when the stars came out and the tide came in, they climbed the barrier to huddle on the grass. There, they gazed into the endless colours that decorated the
sky and brought the darkness to life with effortless beauty.

  In the photo, he has his arm around Cade, who has the biggest grin as he faces the camera. Love is staring at Cade with such desire that he had to steal the photograph when they had the camera developed before he could see it and realise the truth.

  Instead of hiding it back in the drawer, Loveren leaves it on the desk. When Cade finishes work, he will show him. As for the rest of his day off, Love will spend it thinking about when the medication will wear off no doubt. And how soon he will be able to preform.

  After an hour of driving himself crazy with those thoughts, he picks up his jacket and heads out to meet Cade. He hopes his spontaneous idea will be a nice surprise and in no way give the impression he is up to no good. Cade can read him like a book, so he will have to play this smart if he wants to make the only guy he'll ever love believe him.

  Nine

  The days pass with effortless devotion. They are inseparable in any spare time they share, and when they eventually have to leave one another's grasp for a while, their minds only contain each other. The time he spends wrapped within Cade's arms is pure bliss, especially when the side effects of the medication begin to wear off.

  He hates the lies he keeps telling Cade about the medication, but he has no other choice. If Cade finds out, he will make sure he goes back on them, even if he has to guilt trip him into it.

  Loveren told him the doctor prescribed new tablets and, in a few days, they can test the effects. Cade has many questions he keeps asking about the tablets, so he has been making up mumble jumble ever since. He manages to fob him off every time Cade asks about them, but it makes him feel like crap.

  The entire lie has one fantastic advantage though: he is now experiencing erections. Until yesterday morning, he was positive he would never have sex again. He'd convinced himself the pills had done permanent damage when his emotions started returning, but his body still wasn't reacting. Then, to his delight, he woke up to a stiff and throbbing member brushing up against Cade's ass. It took every inch of him to not act on it then. Instead, he rolled out the bed and dressed before his partner could stir.

  Cade wants their first time to be special and not a quick fumble with morning breath. Although, after so long, Loveren knows it will be a miracle if he lasts more than two minutes, especially with Cade touching him.

  If he acts rash, he knows, he might blow the whole web of lies he's been telling wide open. Then he will risk never getting to taste and bury himself inside Cade's sweet body.

  He'll never forgive me if he finds out.

  He takes a sip of his steaming coffee and grimaces.

  “So you will come, right?”

  I sure hope so.

  “Yeah, definitely. It will be good to see you guys again.”

  “We all miss you, man. It hasn't been the same.” The guy polishes off his Fanta and belches. “It'll be great playing back here again. Did Greg tell you about moving back?”

  “I haven't spoken to him in awhile,” he admits as he settles back against the sofa and watches Matt place his glass down to explain.

  “Greg wants to settle down. He's becoming a daddy in three months. So, this is our last gig. We knew it was our last tour, but it's still emotional, you know?”

  “Couldn't you replace him?”

  “Well, like I said to the guys, there's no point. We aren't getting any younger, and if a label were going to sign us, they would have by now.”

  “You're giving up?”

  “No. There comes a time when you have to draw a line under your dreams. I'll still do it as a hobby, but I wouldn't mind settling down and doing nine to five after all the crazy years.”

  Love laughs—an honest laugh. “I can't see you doing that.”

  “Me either. I'm moving back here though, so you'll be seeing more of me.”

  “Right. So, the real reason you're coming back is because you're worried about me.”

  Matt, Greg, James and himself were solid at school. When they left, they started a band called 'Sorrows and Dreams'. Loveren was the obvious choice for vocalist, and sure, he practised with them often, but they were serious about chasing music careers. Love may have shared the dream too if it wasn't for the fear of leaving Cade behind. So, he broke their hearts and found his own passion in writing. He even wrote a lot of their lyrics in the early days so he could still contribute.

  “I would be lying if I said I wasn't, but it's more than that. We were never going to get anywhere without you.”

  They travelled around the country preforming in bars and clubs. Matt turned down offers early on with the belief something better would come along. Five years later, nothing did.

  “You never needed me.”

  “Of course we did—you were the talent.”

  Matt joins him in laughing this time, yet his eyes are wide and carry concern.

  “This is because of what I said, isn't it?”

  “No, the dream is dead and we're stuck with the sorrow. Greg's adamant about being a proper father and James wants to move sticks to Solihull and settle down with Cassey.”

  “And you?”

  “Like I said, nine to five.”

  “You're back to babysit me, I know it. I told you I'm fine, okay? I've never felt better now I'm hooked up and off the pills. Trust me.”

  Matt rests his elbows on his knees and rakes a hand through his gold locks. “I trust you, man. I'm still moving back though. There's only so many chicks you can hook up with before you hear your mum talking in your head. 'It's not right, Matty, you should have a family of your own by now' and all that bullshit.”

  The words sound like Matt. Yet, Love doesn't miss the undertone lingering below the surface. It could be the medication that's no longer in his system that's causing a slither of paranoia, but he doubts it.

  “It will be great to see you and hang out like we used to. I miss that.”

  Loveren nods and drums his fingers against his leg. He will let it go for now because there's no point in arguing after not seeing him for five months. It will be good having him back; Cade sure will be happy when he finds out. Plus, where's a better place to end their run than in their hometown?

  “So you'll be there?”

  “I'll be in the front row.”

  Matt grins and gets to his feet. “I'll see you tomorrow then.”

  At the door, Love calls out as he watches the lean shape head down the corridor. “Can I bring my date?”

  Matt's infectious chuckle echoes against the walls and back to him. “Sure. Are you going to tell me who the unlucky guy is yet?”

  “It's a surprise!”

  With that said, Matt spins back around and continues on his way, chuckling to himself as he goes. Love hears something hollow and untrustworthy in that laugh and, once he closes the door, the sound only intensifies.

  I'm imagining it. Yeah, just imagining it.

  Ten

  “Where are we going?”

  “On our first official date.”

  “If you take me to a restaurant, it'll be the last one too.”

  Cade finds eating in front others awkward. It all started when James was celebrating his fifth birthday with a bouncy castle party. Cade was eating lime jelly on a paper plate when a wasp flew into his mouth and he choked. With a crimson face and tears in his eyes, he glared around to find all eyes on him. No one rushed to help as his throat started to swell after the insect stung him, except himself and James's mother. Although so many years behind them, the experience still scars him to this day.

  Love laughs and informs him of his plans. What he doesn't tell him though is what he hopes will happen after.

  “I can't believe they're leaving the music behind. Don't you ever wish you'd gone with them?”

  Most of Cade's possessions are here now, cluttering Loveren's tiny apartment, but he couldn't be happier.

  “And missed going on the best holiday of my life? No way.”

  Cade's fingers dance along the p
hoto he spotted as soon as they bound through the door. He lifts the photo and smiles as he recalls the sweet memories Loveren did earlier.

  “Yeah, but you could have been huge. If they've had you, they'd have been a hit, I know it. You could have gone to white, sandy beaches instead of rocky, cold ones. You'd have had your pick of anyone too.”

  “I wouldn't have had you,” Love responds as though it answers everything. To him, it does. “Plus, I've not said this, but there's a charming quality to pebbled beaches and stormy seas.”

  “Why didn't you tell me?”

  Loveren shrugs and offers him an honest answer. “I didn't think I was good enough for you. Besides, life is too short to be chasing someone else's dream.”

  “You said you wanted to get away from this place, so I was sure you were going to leave with them.”

  “Any place without you is no place I want to be. No place will ever be.”

  Cade pushes the photo along the desk and wraps his arms around Love as he leans into him. “And you were always good enough.”

  ***

  People crowd the club, and it becomes clear straight away the front row is out the question. Most partygoers are on foot, so they nab a circular table beside the dance floor as close to the stage as they can get.

  Love orders a beer and an orange juice. Nothing would take the edge off like a cool beer, but unless he explains the reason he can consume alcohol now, he decides it's wise to avoid it.

  The ten minutes they wait for the band to come on stage fills with music from a local DJ. Dance music isn't a favourite of his, in fact, he hates the volume just as much as the fevered beat each tune carries. But he grits his teeth and endures it for the sake of his old friends and the most amazing guy in the world who is finally his.

  The clatter of glasses and people in large groups detracts from the words between them. Each time either needs to speak, they have to shout in one another's ear. And, while he appreciates the closeness, it soon becomes tedious, so they wind up lip reading.