Of Stars & Lies

by R. M. Grace

  “You haven't been taking any meds, have you? I thought you went to the doctors, or was that a lie too?”

  Love scowls as he spins on his heels. “I went to the doctors!”

  “But they didn't give you anything, did they? Did you think you could stop taking them and everything would be all right?”

  “It has been so far.”

  “So you admit it?” Cade slips his t-shirt on and fixes his cap in place.

  He asked me if there was anything I wasn't telling him and I lied to his face. He knew something was wrong, but I kept brushing it under the rug. It was the fear of things messing up when they were going well.

  “So what was all that about not getting to me in time when my dad attacked me? You weren't afraid at all, you were using it as an excuse when you were just worried about me finding out the truth!”

  “Is that what you think?”

  “Well, what the hell am I meant to think?”

  “You lied about Alec, don't act like you're innocent.”

  “That's not the same thing!”

  “No?”

  Cade rubs at what must be an ache building in his temples. He sighs and tries to calm his mind, but it swamps with their conversation that night. Love can tell by his furrowed brows that he is replaying their conversation.

  When Cade doesn't speak, Love huffs. “Fine! I went to the doctors. They wouldn't give me anything else because that medication was working.”

  Cade turns to stare at him with a deflated expression. “So why didn't you talk about it?”

  “It's nothing to do with you! I'm the one shoving the damn things down my fucking throat day in day out. I'm the one who doesn't work.”

  “Nothing to do with me? Nice to know I'm so unimportant in your life.”

  Love grabs his arm at the elbow and pulls him back as he heads for the door. “Where do you think you're going?”

  “Away from you!”

  “No, you can't leave.” Love tugs Cade's arm harder, fingers digging into his skin enough to bruise. He hisses and tries to wriggle free, but Love holds tight.

  “You're hurting me, let go.”

  “I'm not letting you go so you can leave.”

  “I need some air, get off!”

  When Love still refuses, Cade has no choice but to fight his way free. The suffocating air sucking into his lungs from the lies and the thickness of the room becomes too much. He shoves Love's shoulder, but he holds on with a hurtful grimace.

  “I said let me go!”

  He barges into Love's shoulder this time and Love loses his grip. “Go then, get out! Leave me the fuck alone.”

  Cade doesn't collect any bits he keeps there. Instead, he storms out the door before Love can grab him again.

  He leaves Love standing there beside the chaos, alone. All he can hear is the silence of the building and the loneliness settling in his brain.

  Fifteen

  “I've got a viewing for a flat across the road in half an hour. I thought I'd pop by.” Matt takes one glance at Love and his smile sinks. Over his shoulder, furniture sprawls about the floor in a mess. “What's happened? Are you okay?”

  “This is a bad time.” Love tries to close the door, but Matt snakes his way through, mindless of the excuse.

  “I was just cleaning.”

  “Cleaning? Looks like you've accomplished the opposite,” Matt remarks.

  “Well, you know what people say, 'you've got to make a mess to get things tidy'.”

  “Who says that?”

  He pushes the door closed and rakes his fingers through his hair with a tremor. “I don't know, just people.”

  Matt ventures into the open living space and glances around at the mess. Paper work covers the floor, and the desk is on its side. The drawers lie over the floor where he has thrown them. Book spines are now creased from where they haven fallen. The shelving is empty of DVDs because they lie in a heap before them.

  The kitchen is in the same sorry state. Appliances are in chaos across the counter tops. The toaster hangs against a cupboard by the wire. The kettle hangs from the socket and lies on the tiles where it leaks water. The fruit bowl lies upside down, spilling bruised apples into the corners and under the table.

  Through the open bedroom door, Matt can see that room is no different either.

  “This isn't spring cleaning, mate. What's happened?”

  Love shrugs and slides across the wall.

  “Have you been drinking?”

  “No. Maybe a little, so what? What's it got to do with you?”

  “I'm your mate, remember? I care.”

  Love gestures with a wave of his hand that he couldn't care less before he stumbles toward the window. “Yeah well, he doesn't.”

  “Who?”

  “Cade, he's left me. I let go, and he fell. I should have been honest. Why do I fuck everything up?”

  He flinches as a hand rubs against his shoulder. “I'm sorry, but do you think drinking is the answer? You should be on your meds.”

  “You're sorry?” He doesn't mean the words to come out so harsh, but doesn't care enough to apologise.

  “You've been through so much and given up more.”

  “And lost everything.”

  Matt backs away, knowing Love well enough to avoid him while in this mood. Yet, to leave will only cause more problems in the long run. So, he pulls his shoes off and places them on the mat. He discards his jacket on the back of the sofa and kneels to sort the mess straight.

  “What are you doing? You've got an appointment, go to it. I don't need any help, I haven't drunk that much.”

  “I'll call them and rearrange. Let's get this room sorted first. Come and give me a hand.”

  Sixteen

  “Look over there. Do you see that hazy object?”

  Love glances to where Cade is pointing. He squints, curling his nose up in confusion. “You mean that smudge?”

  “Yeah. It wouldn't be a smudge if you'd brought the binoculars.”

  When Love smiles at the side of his mate's face, moths stir inside his belly. He feels like a school boy again.

  “I brought them. They're in one of the bags. Why don't find them?”

  He knows he has no chance of getting Cade up in the pitch black to search for anything. They lie on the grass atop a cliff with the tent to their right. The waves are crashing down below, keeping Cade in a mild state of panic about being up here all night. It was a good idea in theory, but being up here now, he has to listen to Cade keep saying the land is tilting.

  “We'll find them tomorrow.”

  Love bursts out laughing and receives a dig in the ribs for his efforts.

  “Anyway, what's the big deal about the smudge?”

  “It's Andromeda.”

  Love's silence is deafening. He hasn't got the first clue about space. Whenever Cade speaks about the subject, he cannot follow. It's all jumbled nonsense to him, but Cade finds it fascinating. Plus, he looks cute as hell when his eyes light up and he gets excited, so Love lets him chatter on.

  “It's the closest galaxy to ours. It's on a collision course with the Earth.”

  Cade senses the change in emotion as Love stares at him with the grass tickling his ear.

  “Don't worry. It's moving at seventy miles per second and will collide with the Milky Way in about four billion years. Scientists believe the galaxies will merge. By that point, the Earth could have no water, due to the ever-increasing luminosity waves that the Sun produces. Hence, no terrestrial life will exist then.”

  He senses Cade's eyes on him as silence sits between them. “Then, if we are talking the end of all life on Earth, there's always the Sun's core. It might contract and lose hydrogen and helium. The outer layers will expand and become a red dwarf. Then—”

  “Whooa, you're rambling.”

  “It's interesting. Perhaps even if life dies on Earth, we could recreate it if the correct ingredients are present. Who knows?”

  “Interesting? So when are any
of these delightful deaths coming?”

  Cade chuckles. “At least three billion years from now. There's always the chance of asteroids, viruses, or nukes that could destroy us before then.”

  Love glances back to the vast sky with the glowing orbs and clouds of gas. He tries to pin-point the little smudge again, but can't.

  “Stay tuned, kids. Next week, Mr Delain will demonstrate a hundred more ways we could all perish,” Love mocks. “You'd be great at telling bedtime stories.”

  Cade snorts and rolls onto his side to caress the naked torso next to him. “It doesn't matter if we die.”

  In the darkness, Love seeks his hand and gives it a squeeze. “I'd kind of prefer to live though, you know?”

  Soft lips rest on his stubbled cheek and press down. “Do you want to know what I think?”

  “I suppose you're going to tell me whether I want to know, or not.”

  Cade's stubble scratches against his collar bone as he settles himself on him and nuzzles into his warmth. He wraps his arm around Cade so he can caress his back. The buzz of being this close and open with his best mate and lover is intoxicating.

  “Well, I think our spirit becomes integrated with another body. Perhaps here on Earth, or from one of the billions upon billions of planets elsewhere. In this galaxy, or another.”

  “So what happens to our memories?”

  “I think we remember things from our past lives as kids, but don't understand them. By the time we understand, we lose them. People say we can see things in our sleep too.”

  “So I won't remember you?”

  Cade's fingers tighten at his side as he cuddles closer. “Don't you ever see a person who you've never met, but feel an instant connection to? Not to the body, but something deeper? Perhaps we'll have that and get back to how we are now.”

  “The odds are pretty stacked against that happening though.”

  “We should enjoy the here and now even more then. Cherish every moment.”

  Love's hand drifts into the brunette locks where he strokes. The coconut and lichee scent fills his nostrils. He loves that smell on Cade, only it saddens him right now.

  “What do you think I will come back as?”

  Love considers the question while he gazes into the great beyond. “A teenage girl.”

  “What?”

  “You'll come back as a girl, so you can listen to that cheesy pop music and get away with it.”

  Love feels the smile against his skin and laughs hard. “What do you think I'll be?”

  “A horse,” Cade replies in an instant.

  “Why?”

  Cade's hand squeezes his growing bulge.

  “Oh.”

  “Plus, you know girl's always beg their parents to get them a horse. Then I could ride you.”

  In one swift movement, Cade straddles his hips and pins his wrists to the dirt. He grinds his ass against his erection and leans closer to whisper in Love's ear. “Giddy-up then.”

  Seventeen

  He must have consumed a lot more alcohol than he remembers because his head is throbbing. When his eyes flicker open into narrow slits, his vision is hazy and unreliable.

  Matt comes and checks on him while he's sprawled on the bed, still fully clothed every hour, but he doesn't respond.

  He's been sobbing. He knows that much by the hitch in his throat, sting in his eyes and pang inside his chest. They are the aches no amount of alcohol can erase.

  The digital clock reads four in the morning when he comes around again. When the hand claps him on the shoulder he tries to tell Matt he should go because he's a grown man, not a baby that needs around the clock care.

  Hell, I can have a drink if I damn well please, and if I want to wreck the flat, I can do that too.

  His eyes try to adjust as he turns towards the figure, and he thinks he catches the rain's fresh scent.

  “Matt?”

  Material shuffles above his head, but before he gets a clearer view, the lamp switches off.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Matt's gone home. I'm soaking: it's been raining for hours.” The familiar voice jolts his heart into life like an electric current.

  “Cade?”

  “You stink of beer. I thought you brought them for me. They're not for you to chug down like water.”

  Loveren tries to get a word in, but can't.

  “You haven't drank in years, so tonight wasn't a wise idea, was it?”

  “Where have you been?” Love reaches for him, but he moves around the foot of the bed, avoiding his fingers.

  “I went for a walk to get my head together. I will get a cold now.”

  “I'm sorry.”

  Ill for Christmas. Just another reason why this year won't be perfect.

  The bed depresses and sniffles come close within the darkness.

  “You should have told me instead of lying. You know I can't stand lies. My parents did it to one another enough times, and I don't want us to be like them.”

  “I'm sorry. I was—”

  “Worried about my reaction? I know. You're scared I will get bored because I'm not getting any like I'm a damn animal.”

  “I don't think that.”

  “You think sex is the be all and end all for me. So, you put your life at risk. Do you think I find your anger attractive? No, it reminds me of my dad. You know, the dad that almost killed me.”

  Love rises to his elbows and struggles to pull himself against the headboard. As soon as he moves, his head swims with vivid sickness which forces him to groan.

  “Hurts, doesn't it?”

  He can hear no sympathy in Cade's voice, but he expects none. He sure wouldn't give anyone else any for self-inflicted pain.

  “Yeah, like a bitch.”

  “Good, because I swear to God, if you pull any more shit like this, you'll be drinking a lot more.”

  “You forgive me?”

  “Yes.”

  “I didn't hide it from you because I thought that. I was afraid, okay? I wanted to please you and to be close. I wanted to be normal. And I wasn't lying about how seeing you on the floor—”

  “I know.” The other body settles against the headboard and swings his legs to touch his. The clammy skin is cold, but feels nice to his feverish skin.

  Cade sniffles and leans against his shoulder, pressing his lips there. “You are normal. We are normal, whatever happens. And you please me in every way. Nothing will ever make me leave you.”

  “I missed you.” Love can think of nothing else to say. With the poison swamping his blood and his words worn away, it will have to do until he wakes up in a better state. “I miss you every time you're not with me.”

  “So do I.” Cade plants a damp kiss on his jaw where the bitter moisture that runs from his eyes collects in the stubble.

  Eighteen

  His head has a dull ache when he wakes, yet he counts himself lucky. The hangover could have been a lot worse, setting him back a day. So, he takes aspirin and smiles. He didn't drink a great deal, but the years without it were no match for the sudden assault on his liver.

  Cade came back to him last night, and that's all that matters. He still lies under the blankets with his golden skin untouched. His hair is a mess from tossing and turning all night, but Love can say with honesty he has seen thing more beautiful. His eyelashes flicker as though caught in a vivid dream—a good one too if his smile is anything to go by.

  Love watches him sleep until the stench of his clothes becomes overbearing. When that inevitably happens, a shower becomes a must, so he clambers away from the sleeping form with all his willpower.

  While the shower heats and builds steam clouds in the bathroom, Love sets out his plans for Christmas Eve. His mind races with ideas to make the day perfect because he cannot risk losing the guy in his bed. He tries telling himself no reason exists for the pair to separate, but he cannot make it stick.

  It's having no pills that's causing a little paranoia, no big deal.

 
If he keeps that in mind, perhaps he can control his emotions without the pills.

  He peels the clammy material from his skin and tosses them in a heap beside the door. The heat hits his shoulders when he enters the tub, and soon, the stream curls outward from his pink flesh. Arching his face forwards, he embraces the water onto his closed lids. If he stands here long enough, perhaps he can rinse away every ache and pain the bad sleep and alcohol brought to him.

  Love bypasses the coconut and lichee shampoo. He may squirt it into his palms sometimes to smell Cade, but although the smell is intoxicating, he can't stand it on himself. Instead, he squeezes the apple shampoo on his hands and washes his hair.

  He can run to the store while Cade is at work and get the pieces he needs to make his plan work. One good thing about Christmas Eve is he doesn't have to go in with all the holiday staff the store hires every year. With luck, Cade will see the effort he makes and forgive him. The last thing he wants is tension between them, especially this time of year. Besides, he knows he will love this.

  “What are you fantasising about, hey?”

  Love stops rinsing his hair with foam running down the sides of his face and glances toward the door. He didn't hear Cade enter, but the sight of his naked body makes him grin.

  “There's only one guy who fills my head twenty-four seven, baby.”

  The tub creaks with the combined weight as Cade joins him. “How are you feeling today?”

  “A little worse for wear, but nothing I can't handle with you by my side.” Love rinses the shampoo away and entwines the slender fingers with his own. “Can you come straight back after work? I've got a surprise for you. You will love it.”

  “Listen,” Cade interrupts his happy little bubble. His face is stern and causes Love's stomach to knot together. “Before we get all excited, I think we should talk, don't you?”

  Love pulls him into the path of the water and against the tiles in one fluid motion. Like lightning, his mouth lands on his. When those plump lips part with shock, he slips his tongue inside to taste what he almost lost. The moist, silk organ slides against his own, battling for power and, for a minute, Cade gives into the fierce desire.