by R. M. Grace
Loveren's arousal pushes against him, rubbing between their soaking bodies. And for that sweet moment, they grind against one another, feeling the heightened sensation, but it doesn't last.
Without warning, Cade nudges himself away from the heavier body as he tries to pin him against the wall, leaving Love to groan in disapproval.
“We have to talk first.”
“Now? I thought we could relieve ourselves first,” Love purrs into his ear. He reaches to grasp his shoulders, but it is fruitless.
“You can't keep burying your head about this.”
Love draws away from the concerned expression and grimaces. “I made a mistake. I thought you forgave me? It's not like I fucked someone else.”
“What?”
“You're acting like I've betrayed you.”
“You lied, that's just as bad.”
“No, it's not. A little lie isn't cheating. I stopped taking my meds, so what? I did it for us.”
“For yourself more like.”
“For us.” Love tries to grasp his hands within his own, but he pulls back, leaving him sighing with frustration. “You forgave me,” he reminds him.
“I have. But you're still not taking your meds.”
“So what? I don't need them.” He hears the rise in his tone, but cannot help it. This is not the shower he thought he would have when Cade came in.
“Yes, you do. You're getting irritated and acting erratic.”
“Erratic? Jesus, I had a few drinks, that's hardly cause for a strait jacket.”
Love gives himself a quick wash, mainly to his armpits and deflated genitals. He ignores the cold ache in his balls and leaves the tub with a huff.
“You can't even talk about it without getting riled.”
“Things were fantastic until you found out. I haven't taken them in months and I've been fine. We've been happy, so why does that have to change? I'm the same person. Besides, I didn't hear you complaining when you were getting it.”
“I knew something wasn't right.”
“But you kept it to yourself because I was right: you need sex for this to work.”
Before Cade can reply, he yanks the towel from the rack and stomps back into the bedroom, wishing Cade didn't bother waking from slumber at all. His voice is too much for his fragile head to stand right now, but he admits the reason for his explosion is the fear that Cade may have a point.
No, he's wrong. I don't need pills. I don't.
***
“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have started this before work.”
“Oh, why? Because your work will just be another thing suffering because of me?”
Cade's face twists in disgust as he stands in the doorway, his skin glistening with only the towel wrapped around his waist.
“You don't wreck any part of my life. And, yeah, sex is amazing with you, but it's not why I love you. If we never had sex again, I would still be with you.”
“So why did you leave?”
“I needed to think. You lied and I didn't think you'd ever do that.”
Love tries to interject, but he falls silent when Cade waves his hand.
“I understand why you did it though and I forgive you, but that doesn't mean things are right. You need to go back on the meds.”
“I can't.”
“You will. You'll do the set, then we will go to the doctors together and see what they can do.”
“But as long as we're solid, I'll be fine.”
“No. You need the meds, Love.”
Love sighs and paces towards the window. Outside, the birds are chirping in melody and he finds himself jealous of their freedom.
“I've been on them for years. Different ones, but they're all the damn same.”
“But they're working. Why change that?”
Love rubs his palm against his jaw. The stubble scratches against his wrinkled skin, but not hard enough. “You sound like the quack. I want to feel, why do none of you get that? I want to please you. Hell, I want to please myself, but it's more than that. I want to be normal. And don't say it.”
“You are normal,” Cade says, ignoring the warning.
Love growls. “No, I'm not. When I'm on them, I'm empty. I'm almost a damn zombie. Life is so damn dull and grey and bullshit. I want to be free and learn to live without them. If that means therapy, or meditation, or whatever, I don't care. It's my life, surely I can decide.”
Cade steps up behind him. When he slides his fingers down his arm with a squeak, Love's skin pimples from the contrast of cool air within the room.
“What if something happens? I can't think about you sinking into depression again. Okay, you might be fine most of the time, but what happens when you don't agree with something I do, or we have a fight?”
As he turns to Cade, he takes his hands in his and kisses his fingers. “I'll make you a promise: if I feel bad again, I'll tell you and we'll go straight to the doctors together. With you beside me, and no lies between us, I can do anything. I know you can make me better and I want to do that on my own terms. What else am I going to do—live on medication my entire life?”
“If they keep you alive.”
“You keep me alive.” He kisses Cade's fingers again and trails more along his hand.
“You can't do this for me. You have to do this for you. It's the only way you're going to help yourself.”
“How about we do this together for us? We can work as a team. If either of us has any concerns, then we tell each other. If I feel the slightest bit like I did before, then we try to work a way around it. If we can't, I'll go back on the meds. Deal?”
Cade leans in to kiss his cheek, then wraps his arms around his waist. “You tell me if there's the slightest change though, do you understand? I can't go back to the way things were with my parents. I can't. However you feel, good or bad, I need to know. No more hiding.”
“I promise, no more.”
Nineteen
His wallet has taken a bashing today, but he couldn't be happier if he tried. The tree is set up in the corner beside the fireplace. He hasn't put the decorations up yet because that is Cade's favourite part of the season.
Presents sit underneath the tree in blue and silver foil wrapping paper. A small fortune has gone towards buying items of clothing, or simple things Cade could do with now he's living here. It's time his stay became permanant. He's also brought him poetry books and items he pointed out while walking around the shops. But he intends to keep the special gift with the shiny blue bow on top a secret until midnight.
Cade will arrive within the next few minutes, he notices as he checks his watch.
Great, everything is set.
In the mirror, he fixes his jumper and grins at the white face with the carrot nose on his stomach. It's the cheesiest Christmas jumper he could find.
Cade will love this.
When he glances out the window, he spots his eskimo walking down the path. So, with haste, he turns on the machine he has set up on the top of the bookcase. A sudden burst of artificial flakes comes flying out over his shoulders and the ground around him. If the snow won't come to Cade, then he will have to make the snow himself.
The key turns in the door and metal jingles as Cade tries to open the door, but it refuses to give.
“Love?” He knocks and calls again.
Love crosses the room and leans against the door to unbolt it. When he opens the door with a snigger, it's only enough for him to peek through the thin gap.
“What's going on? Have you got another guy in there? This isn't funny after what you said earlier.”
Love chuckles at the words as much as the concern he hears. “It's a surprise. You've got to close your eyes.”
“You don't like surprises, remember? Am I supposed to close them so you can sneak him out?”
“Just do as you're told. Please.”
Through the gap, he watches Cade huff and drop his shoulders in false irritation. He gives in a moment later when it's clear the door won'
t open otherwise, but he closes them so he can still see.
“Properly.”
“Okay, okay.” He squeezes his lids shut and shuffles with impatience. “Are you going to let me in then, or is he still getting dressed?”
Love snorts. He checks the snow first to find it's settling nicely, then opens the door. Grabbing Cade's hand, he shields the inside from view in case he peeks, which he knows he is capable of doing.
He can't wait for anything.
Taking his hand, Loveren leads him forward until he can wrap his hands around his eyes. He pushes the door closed with his foot and leads him all the way inside. It warms his heart to mimic Cade's actions in the park.
“What's that noise?”
The steady hum of the machine is the quietest he could find, even if it cost twenty quid more.
Loveren pulls his hands away and presses his mouth against his lover's ear.
“Okay, open.”
***
Cade's smile grows wider as his eyes dart from one decoration to the next. Two stockings hang on the fireplace and tinsel and lights decorate the wall. But what has his eyes glowing the most is the snow that drifts around the room and coats the carpet.
When his attention shifts to the tree, his eyes fill with excitement.
He acts like a child every year.
The tree looks right tucked in the corner with a box of decorations waiting for them to set up at the base.
When he turns to thank Love, he bursts out laughing. His eyes water as he glances down at the woollen jumper on his boyfriend. “You look ridiculous.”
“Oh, I guess you won't want this then.” Loveren grabs the jumper he slung over the sofa and holds it up to show the front in its full glory. There's black wool around the outside with a tree and stars, and with the press of a button, the jumper lights up in various colours. But the best part of it is: it plays Jingle Bells.
Cade's grin widens. In this moment, he is the essence of perfection. “I want it.”
In a rush, Cade drops his bag to his feet and fumbles his arms free of his jacket. He slips it on and admires himself in the mirror. With his hair fluffy and sticking up in all directions, he presses the button.
“Where did you get this? All this stuff?”
“Call it the magic of Christmas.”
“And there was me thinking you would say something cheesy like you're the real Santa and you want me to sit on your lap and tell you what I want.”
Love scoffs. “Please, I know exactly what you want. You can't resist someone who makes a Christmas jumper look this hot,” he says with his arms outstretched. “Now, are you going to help me decorate the tree, or what?”
***
The fire beats on their faces in an orange hue as they snuggle on the floor. With his arms wrapped around him, Loveren grins as he pulls Cade's chin to face him.
“You've got froth on your lip.” With his tongue, Love swipes across his arched top lip to taste the cream from the hot chocolate. “Hmm, tasty.”
The snow still laces the carpet like their own winter wonderland. The setting is romantic and he can't fault it, even without the blood, guts and screaming.
“Are those all mine?”
Love follows Cade's gaze to the presents under the tree. “Yeah, I thought you could use some new things, you know, seeing as you're as good as living here now.”
As the firm body presses into him, Cade rests his face against his shoulder to receive a kiss. Each night they share cuddled up is the best, but beside the fire is far more intimate and full of excitement. He could stay like this all night with the warm flames dancing on his bare flesh.
“Can I open one now?”
“It's not Christmas yet.”
“There's only an hour and . . .” Cade pulls Love's wrist to see the time. “Fifteen minutes.”
“Well, in an hour and fifteen minutes you can open one.”
Cade pouts to make him laugh.
He is damn cute when he acts sulky.
“Please.”
“Not happening.”
A moist kiss lands on his jawline and trails down his neck as far as he can reach given his position. “Can I do anything to change your mind?”
“No, but we can do something to pass the time,” Love says with a wink.
***
With their sweaty bodies entwined, Love pampers his heated skin with lazy kisses. He moves along his collar bone and up his throat to meet his lips once more. In his arms, Cade still trembles from his orgasm as he sinks into the kiss and tastes himself on Love's lips.
“I taste good,” he teases as they part.
“Yes, you do.”
As he rolls onto his back beside him, his clammy back collects snow. Their ragged murmurs fill the apartment, breathing life into the room.
“Is it Christmas yet?”
“You're so impatient, you know that?”
Cade shrugs. “I get excited, what can I say?” He glances over to the tree as the lights blink in rhythm. The atmosphere is homely and inviting—the opposite of Cade's childhood home.
Loveren knows he cannot deny his excitement because he hasn't had to open that many gifts in his life. Sure, he buys Cade something special each year, but not so much he feels like a spoiled brat.
“You can't open any of them until we wake up in the morning.”
“But you said,” Cade reminds him.
Like I could forget.
“I said you could open a present.”
“Yeah, at twelve.” Cade rolls to check the watch that's now on the sofa. When he turns it around, he jams a finger against the face. “It's two minutes past.”
Love grins. “I'm lasting longer.”
Cade taps his fingers on his leg as he moves back into the fireplace's warmth. He doesn't look the slightest bit interested in his boyfriend's stamina.
“Hey, you opened me, didn't you? You were tearing my damn clothes off like I was the best present in the world.”
Cade's face falls into a frown of confusion that tickles Love into a laughing fit. Maybe he should be nervous about this, but he is riding a high he can only blame on the love bug.
“Okay, okay. You can open one present, just not any of those. I've got a special one for you.”
“Another?”
Love lifts and wipes his buttocks to rid him of the snow. “Yeah, wait there.” He disappears into the bedroom, keeping Cade guessing what he is up to. Rummaging through the bottom drawer of the waredrobe, he pulls free the gift he hid there and returns with his gorgeous manhood dangling between his legs. He wears worry on his face, and can tell Cade doesn't miss the expression as he lifts and tosses used tissues to the side.
The flames have dulled, but are still enough to add a slick new layer to his skin, especially after venturing into the cold bedroom.
Love settles back onto the floor between his lover's legs with his hand behind his back. “I don't know if you'll like it, and maybe I'm jumping the gun, but I love you beyond words. I need you in my life because I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you.”
“You're mumbling.”
“I know, sorry. I just want you to understand. I need you to understand.”
Cade scrambles from his legs and straddles him how he had moments ago in the throes of passion. Wrapping his arms around his neck, he locks his lips in an intense kiss that has him hard again within seconds.
“I understand,” he says as they part. “I understand because I feel the same, Love. You're my life. I exist because of you. For you.”
His teeth click against his as he pulls him back to show him what his words mean. When he draws back, Love nips his lip. “I told you not to keep calling me that.”
“And I still don't care,” Cade teases as he grinds against his hips. “Can I have my present now?”
Love pulls the square box out from behind his back and places it into the waiting palm.
Cade takes one look at the green wrapping and blue bow with a question
ing look. “How come this one is different to the others?”
“Honestly, I brought it last year, but didn't get the chance to give it you.”
“How come?”
“Will you just open it?”
Cade accepts that for the moment and searches a side to rip open. He will quiz him later, Loveren has no doubt. The tape is down well, but he has it open in seconds to reveal a navy, ridged box.
His golden eyes glance towards him with recollection dawning on his face. For a second, Love's heart stops as he stares. Then a wide grin stretches across Cade's face which jump starts him.
This is it.
All he can hope is Cade doesn't laugh in his face.
When Cade opens the box, his mouth falls agape.
“If you don't like it, I can get another made.”
“It's gorgeous. I love it,” he says, but he doesn't pluck the ring from the cushion. “Aren't you going to ask me?”
Love's cheeks flush a pink shade as he shakes his head. “Yeah, sorry.”
He slips his fingers into his hand and pulls it to his mouth to plant another kiss there as he stares into those fierce eyes. With a cough, he clears his throat and fiddles the ring from the box.
“How do you feel about suffering with me for the rest of your life?”
Cade bursts into a giggle that is contagious. “Well, if it saves someone else from the pain.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Of course it's a yes. There's nothing I want more than to marry you.”
Love slips the custom-made, white gold band on his finger. “It fits perfect.”
“We fit perfect.”
Twenty
He knows he is dreaming. Each step is lucid enough to be real, but the darkness that closes in is daunting and unnatural. Although, the darkness is behind what he is seeing because smears of orange and purple claim the sky. The thick clouds are full of snow, so perhaps there will be another blizzard later.