She reached out, took a hold of his face and guided him to her; her lips were aching to feel him again. They lay like that for a long time, growing comfortable with one another, growing familiar. He knew exactly where to put his hands, he knew exactly where to touch her to make her shiver or gasp with pleasure. When he eased himself inside her, Olivia closed her eyes and let go of her thoughts. It was just the two of them in a little piece of the world and the future was immaterial because the only thing that mattered was the here and now. As he moved inside her, Olivia ran her hands through his hair, their breathing wound together until she could not tell them apart.
Afterwards, Olivia lay with her head on his chest and counted his heartbeats. She didn’t want to break the silence, because she knew that the moment she did, the future would force itself back into the little room and refuse to leave them to their blissful present. In the end, it was Mark who broke the moment. He disentangled himself from Olivia and got out of the tiny bed. He started to put his clothes back on with exaggerated calm.
“Don’t go,” Olivia said.
“I have to,” Mark replied in a tone that suggested he was not happy about what had just happened.
Olivia sat up, feeling alarmed at the change that had come over him.
“Why?” she demanded, pulling the sheet up to cover herself.
“Because I still can’t see you,” he said forcefully.
Olivia looked at him blankly. “I don’t know what you mean?”
Mark turned back around to face her. His eyes were hooded, but she could see the intensity of feeling beneath them.
“You’re going to declare your major tomorrow yes?” he asked unexpectedly.
Olivia looked at him carefully. “Yes.”
“In History?”
Olivia nodded. “You saw that?”
“I did,” Mark replied.
“I thought you couldn’t…”
“When you make a decision,” Mark interrupted her. “When you make a solid, whole hearted, sincere decision – one that you’ve thought through completely, I see that. I see that certainty in your future.”
“Oh.”
“You made the decision about your major at twelve thirty-five last night,” he said. “Am I right?”
Olivia nodded again. “Yes.”
“Because you had thought about it… you had weighed all your options and made a clear decision,” he explained harshly.
“Ok… I still don’t understand why that’s making you so… angry,” Olivia said in a low voice.
Mark seemed to take a deep breath. “Because… you’re still not sure about me.”
Olivia fell silent, trying to understand what Mark was saying to her. She looked at his face and recognized the hurt hidden beneath his eyes.
“You can’t see… our future together can you?” Olivia said quietly.
“I see wisps of what it might be,” Mark replied. “But that’s coming from me… not from you.”
Olivia fell silent again. He could see wisps of their future… his future, which meant that Mark had made his decision where she was concerned. Olivia searched herself, wondering what it was that allowed a person to take a chance on another. Olivia had been in love once before, and she had lived to regret it.
“I… never thought that far ahead,” Olivia replied. “I don’t know where we’ll be a year from now.”
“It’s not that Olivia,” Mark replied softening his tone. “I don’t expect you to know your future. Just your own mind. Your feelings for me… are confused. And because of that…”
“You can’t see me,” Olivia finished for him.
“I can’t see you,” Mark agreed.
Olivia shrugged in defeat. “I don’t know how to change that Mark.”
“I know,” he said, his voice was sad. “And I shouldn’t blame you. I’m just…”
He trailed off without finishing his sentence and Olivia could not bear to ask him to complete it. They stared at one another a moment longer and then Mark broke eye contact and moved towards the door.
“No,” Olivia cried out after him. “Mark. Please don’t go.”
He sighed deeply, but he did not turn back around to face her. “You’re a good person Olivia. You like helping people… but I don’t want to be your charity case.”
“That’s not fair,” Olivia said getting out of her bed with the sheet wrapped around her at the chest. “I do care about you. I want you in my life.”
Mark spun around. “You do care about me, I don’t doubt that.”
“Then…”
“But about wanting me in your life… you haven’t made that decision yet Olivia,” he pointed out with steely eyes that Olivia recognized for the defence mechanism it was.
“Give me time,” Olivia said desperately.
“I’m not giving you an ultimatum or a time limit,” Mark said gently. “You don’t owe me anything. It’s better if I removed myself from your life. It’s easier that way.”
“But…” Olivia struggled to explain it to him. “I… need you.”
“No you don’t,” Mark replied.
“You don’t know that,” Olivia replied.
“Actually, I do.”
Olivia shook her head, in an attempt to clear her thoughts. They were racing around in her head, refusing to settle. She could feel moisture at the corners of her eyes. She didn’t know what Mark was talking about. She wanted to be with him.
“I know you want to be with me Olivia,” Mark said as though he had read her mind. “The thing is… you want to be with me now. In the present. But you’re commitment doesn’t extend to the future.”
“Why should that matter?” Olivia demanded. “That could change. You said so yourself…. the future always changes.”
“It matters because it might not change at all,” Mark replied quietly. “And that… will be too much for me to handle.”
He paused for a moment and then looked up at her. “The more time we spend together… the more… invested I will get. I need to remove myself from this now.”
“You mean… you need to remove yourself from me?” Olivia clarified.
Mark dropped his eyes. “Yes.”
“Then why did you just sleep with me?” Olivia demanded angrily.
“I wanted to see if I could change your mind… if I could cause you to made a decision that would allow me to see our future together,” Mark replied.
Olivia took a step back. “You still couldn’t see my future?”
“No,” Mark replied shaking his head. “And I think that means… it’s time to go.”
He turned and walked out the door. Olivia stood rooted in place, unable to stop him, and wondering at the same time, if she was also unwilling to.
Olivia kept her distance only because she knew that Mark needed space, but she was surprised by how keenly she felt his absence in her life. She had known him for only a few weeks, and yet, in that time, he had managed to cement himself into her routine. She realized how often she thought about him, she realized how much she had looked forward to spending time with him at night in the library when she it felt like they were the only two people awake.
Mark didn’t stop coming to the library. He still came, got his books, sat in front of the computer and researched endlessly. She wondered sometimes if Mark knew she was there, on the periphery watching him. It surprised her how lonely she was all of a sudden. Olivia had never been one to make friends easily. She had always been a solitary person, ever since an uninterested mother and an alcoholic father had forced solitude upon her. She had adjusted to it; she had embraced the loneliness so that she would never have to feel it.
Now, the silence echoed around her and no amount of distraction could divert her attention. Sometimes, her eyes would meet Mark’s across the room. He would hold her gaze for a moment and then drop his eyes pointedly, as though he were making a conscious decision. Olivia wondered why it hurt so much. Sometimes, when she closed her eyes, she could still feel his hands on h
er body, she could still feel his breath hot against her neck. She knew he was leaving soon. Barcelona suddenly seemed a world away. After weeks of silence and searching stares, Olivia walked up to him one night and sat down opposite him.
“Olivia…”
“Mark please,” she interrupted desperately. “I don’t understand why we can’t… at least be friends.”
He looked up at her, his hazel eyes bored into hers and she felt suddenly conscious of herself. “Because I don’t just want to be your friend,” he said simply.
“Well I don’t want to be just your friend either,” Olivia pointed out.
Mark shut the book he was reading. “Do you know how hard this has been for me? Do you know why I was so stupid to have allowed you into my life in the first place?”
“No,” Olivia shook her head genuinely curious.
“Because I was in love with you before I even met you,” he replied, his voice was harsh as he said the words; there was the distinct trace of bitterness beneath his tone. “I was walking home one day… and bang… suddenly I have this image in my head of this beautiful girl I’ve never seen before. And I see myself with you and I have feelings that I can’t rationally explain. Do you have any idea how confusing that is?”
“You can’t resist it,” Mark went on. “It’s uncontrollable. I tried to ignore the images in my head. I tried not to see your face, the way you smile, and the way you move. But they kept coming, until I had no choice but to find you.”
Olivia held her breath. “That night…. the night you saved me from the construction site collapse…”
“I was following you,” Mark replied.
Olivia looked down wondering why she felt so flattered by his revelation.
“That was the only way I could… get on with my day,” Mark told her. “If I saw you… just once each day, it kept the flashes of my future at a distance.”
“So what changed?”
“What changed?” Mark repeated. “We met.”
“And?”
“The future I saw for myself… the one with you and me and our happily ever after… it disappeared.”
“It… disappeared?” Olivia asked wrinkling her brow.
Mark nodded looking at her pointedly. “It disappeared the moment you met me.”
Olivia was starting to understand. “Oh,” was all she could think of to say.
Olivia realized that her indecision was what was clouding Mark’s vision. He couldn’t see their future together, because Olivia was not sure if she wanted a future with him. The moment she thought it however, she recoiled from the thought. That was not the whole truth, there was more to her indecision than a lack of feeling. Because the truth was… she did have feelings for Mark, they were growing more potent with each passing day.
“Olivia?” Mark’s voice cut through her confused thoughts.
“Yes?”
“I think you should go now.”
Olivia looked at him sadly, and then she nodded and left him to his solitude. She barely even felt the walk to her dorm because her mind was so consumed with chaotic thoughts. When she walked into her room, Molly was sitting in front of the mirror dabbing makeup on her face. Clothes were strewn everywhere in careless heaps.
Olivia sighed internally. “I wish I could tell when you’re going out.”
“I think that sense of humor is the reason you still don’t have a boyfriend,” Molly shot back with a wink.
“Apart from the fact that I don’t want one,” Olivia pointed out, falling onto her bed.
“Nonsense,” Molly said firmly. “Everyone wants a boyfriend. Now why don’t you change into something pretty and come with me tonight.”
“Urrgh… no thanks.”
Molly rolled her eyes at Olivia’s typical reaction. “Seriously… I think this might be your kind of scene anyway.”
Olivia looked up. “Why would you think that?”
“Because it’s this weird carnival circus thing that’s in town for a couple of days,” Molly explained.
Olivia sat up, instantly interested. “And you’re actually going?”
“Jeremy is making me,” she replied. “Apparently there’s a guy there who eats nails and he wants to check it out.”
“Charming,” Olivia nodded.
“I know,” Molly said with a smile. “I’m a lucky girl. So are you coming or not?”
Desperately in need of a distraction, Olivia nodded. “I’m in.”
“Excellent,” Molly replied.
An hour later, the two of them, along with Jeremy arrived at the carnival. It was larger than Olivia had anticipated and filled with laughter, lights and excitement. The three of them walked around together until they hit a tent that read ‘Maximus the Infamous’.
“This is it,” Jeremy said with the enthusiasm of a six year old, bolting towards the tent. “Let’s go girls.”
“Actually… nail eating… never been my thing,” Olivia said. “I’ll sit this one out.”
Molly rolled her eyes. “I’ll see you after traitor.”
Smiling, Olivia continued the walk on her own. She was surrounded by many distractions and yet she couldn’t seem to shake Mark’s image from the back of her mind. She hated being so distant from him, she hated not speaking to him each day, and it was starting to take a toll on her assignments. She was just about to get herself something to eat when she noticed a smaller, less showy sign outside a dark tent. The sign out front read ‘Madame Estelle. Psychic and Fortune Teller.’
Olivia stared at the sign for a moment longer; she took a deep breath and walked into the tent. Inside, a curtain divided it in half. Chairs were arranged in the area Olivia stood and she was told to take a seat by a willowy looking woman with startling blue eyes and hair that reached her naval. After almost a half hour wait, she was led to the other side. There was a small circular table set in the centre of the space. The atmosphere was dark, almost oppressive and it was filled with competing smells of spice and perfume. There was a large older woman sitting at the table. She had clean features, dark eyes and a purple turban wrapped around her head.
“Take a seat Olivia,” she said in a misty voice.
Olivia was more than a little surprised.
“You’re already a believer I see,” Madam Estelle said in her clear, slightly accented voice.
Olivia nodded. “I have a friend…”
“Who sees the future,” she finished for Olivia. “Yes I know. You care for him very much?”
“I do,” Olivia, replied, and then she added, trying to keep the bitterness from her voice “He doesn’t believe me though. He can’t see our future because he believes that I don’t… return his feelings.”
“Why is that I wonder?” Madam Estelle asked mostly to herself.
“I was hoping you could help me answer that.”
“Come child. Sit down and give me your open palms.”
Olivia did as she was told. Madame Estelle looked down at her palms for what seemed like an eternity. When she looked back up again, her eyes were far away as though she were seeing things that had not yet happened.
“I see,” she said finally.
“What is it?” Olivia asked, trying to be patient.
“You are right,” Madame Estelle answered. “You do care for him. Your ability to love is not in question here.”
“Then what is it?” Olivia asked.
“You’re ability to trust is the problem.”
“Trust…” Olivia repeated.
“You’re father was an alcoholic? He left you and your brother when you were both very young yes?”
“Yes.” Olivia was forced to admit.
“And your brother eventually became a drug dealer?”
“Yes.”
“He was abusive?”
Olivia choked out her answer, “he was.”
“Tell me about John,” Madam Estelle said softly.
Olivia closed her eyes for a moment. “He was… my first love.”
“He ch
eated on you?”
“Repeatedly,” Olivia said quietly, keeping her eyes lowered.
“Your indecision stems from a place of distrust,” Madame Estelle said gently. “You cannot picture a future with Mark… because you find it hard to trust.”
“I… I don’t know how to change that,” Olivia admitted finally.
“Let me help you then,” Madam Estelle said. “Give me your hands and close your eyes.”
They linked hands and Olivia closed her eyes. It was as though there was a moving picture on the back of her eyelids. She stifled a gasp and concentrated, realizing that she was looking at herself. There were subtle changes… a few more lines around her eyes, a little extra weight around her hips. She watched herself move into the arms of a man. It was Mark; he looked down at her with a peaceful smile on his face. She watched, as the two of them walked together, hand in hand towards a little sand box where two fair-haired boys, no older than seven or eight, pushed around toy trucks.
The next thing she knew, Olivia was staring back at Madame Estelle’s dark eyes. She was silent for a long time. It was not just the image of what she had seen; it was the feeling they carried, a sense of completion, of certainty, of unadulterated belonging.
“That’s my future?” Olivia asked.
“If you choose it,” she replied.
“I have to go,” Olivia said immediately.
Twenty minutes later, Olivia was back at the library, panting heavily. She found Mark at the same table where she had left him. He looked up when he saw her approaching. His brow was wrinkled hard with concentration, as though he couldn’t hold down his confused thoughts.
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