“All you can do is honor her life, Joel.”
He shook his head quickly, and he sounded scared and defeated when he replied. “I can’t. I can’t. I just want to pretend she never happened to me.”
He felt cold air sliding from his wrists to the back of his shoulders, and when he looked up, Deirdre was hugging him. He shivered, but it was a comforting cold.
“But she did happen. And she was wonderful.”
He woke up the next day, and he was still in the couch. One of the empty picture frames was propped up on the coffee table to greet him a good morning. Something in that little wooden rectangle’s turquoise finish made him want to weep.
With something akin to tenderness he reached for the empty picture frame, remembering what it used to contain. It was a photograph of Caitlyn at two years old, brown-haired and one-eyed as she stared up at the camera. It hadn’t been a very good picture. He had taken it with his phone, and she had laughed at the clicking sound it made. He had the photo printed anyway and let her pick the frame.
He set the picture frame back down on the table and shook his head, getting increasingly agitated at the thought of Deirdre’s mild “suggestion.” The woman was much too intrusive, especially for somebody who wasn’t even alive anymore.
“Don’t be mad,” her airy voice called.
He would’ve turned towards the sound, but her voice never really came from one direction. “What are you trying to do, Deirdre?”
“I want you to be okay.”
“I am okay!”
“You know you’re not, Joel.” She appeared before him, hovering above the table, legs folded beneath her thighs. “I’ve been dead fifteen years, and I’m not sure why, but what if… what if I was just waiting for you? What if they left me here, so I could help you?”
He looked up at her, conflicted, hesitant, but… was that hope in his eyes?
“Joel… We’re so little in this universe, so helpless. It… They… God… Whoever… can do anything they want with us. Look at me! I’ve been stuck wearing this outfit for years! I don’t know if I’m going to be this way forever, or if I’m going to get taken away at some point… today, tomorrow, now… So I have to make this count. Me being here for you, it has to count.”
The way she was looking at him did something to his heart. For the first time in very, very long, he felt…
“I love you. Do you know that? I love you,” he said.
Her knitted eyebrows relaxed in surprise. He didn’t wait for her to respond. He merely took the picture frame from the table and headed to his room. It didn’t take him long to find his wallet and take out the photograph buried behind business cards and receipts. It was creased where he had carelessly folded it, and it was soft from being inside his wallet for so long.
But the important thing was that Caitlyn’s smile was still there, as bright as the day he captured it. Her little toddler eyes seemed to tell him, Daddy, I missed you.
He slid the picture into the frame, and by the time he hung it back up on the wall, he was sobbing softly. Deirdre stood beside him, looking up at the photograph as if it were a painting in a museum. He turned his head to look at her, eyes filling with gratitude as she smiled at him.
There were no words left. The apartment filled with the scent of green tea and aloe vera, and for the first time since he moved in, he felt like he belonged.
Sunset
The number of people at his funeral was nothing to boast of, but those who attended held such great affection for him that no eye was dry in the apartment.
No microphones were required. The place was tiny and the silence reverent. Only the occasional sniffling and breathless sobs broke the stillness of the air.
Friends and coworkers had squeezed into the worn, tiny couch, and around them were the rest of those who knew Joel. In front, blocking the silent television was a tall man, stooped and gray.
“Joel was my architect. He built us a beautiful house overlooking a cliff. My children grew up there, and there is not a day that goes by that my wife and I don’t walk down its halls feeling so very fortunate and sentimental.
Joel liked to keep to himself. He didn’t have many friends. In the years that I’d known him, he never once took me up on my offer to grab a drink. I didn’t know what he did with his time when he wasn’t working.
But this isn’t to say he didn’t live a full life. He was our friend because he was warm and kind, quiet and compassionate. I knew him for thirty-seven years, and I couldn’t tell you right now what he liked to do for fun. All I know is that he never… seemed to want for anything—not money, not fame, not women. He always just seemed… happy.”
All over the room, people smiled, knowing exactly what the man meant.
“He had the countenance of a man who was well-loved. I don’t know why, how, or where that came from, but whatever it was that made him the person that he was, I am grateful for it.
Bon voyage, Joel.”
“Bon voyage,” the room repeated.
It wasn’t long before the apartment emptied out, and then it was quiet. The afternoon light was waning, and the city was afire.
Deirdre raised her hand to the glass as if to touch it.
“I don’t even want to know where they’re taking my body,” Joel said, stepping up next to her.
“Does it matter?”
“No, it doesn’t.” He took her hand, and it wasn’t icy. Its warmth surprised him. He touched her cheek when she turned to face him.
“I missed your hair like this,” she said, gently running her fingers through the brown locks.
“You said you liked the white.”
“I was lying.”
“Deceitful witch… How am I supposed to trust you from now on?”
“You haven’t got a choice. You’re stuck with me for all of eternity.”
“But not here. We can go now, right?” He was going to miss the green tea and the aloe vera and the turquoise picture frame. But Caitlyn… Caitlyn was waiting for them.
The sun dipped behind the buildings, and the sounds of the city dulled with the onset of darkness.
“Come now, darling,” she said, reveling in the fact that she could wrap her fingers so tightly around his hand now. “Our bus is here.”
THE END
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THE BROKEN EAGLE FLIES AGAIN
“Aaron, leave right now. That’s not a request, it’s an order!”
“How can I! We promised we are in it together. I am afraid I have to refute the orders.”
“I said, Go!”
“But”
“Over and out. The commander’s word is the final say!”
BOOM
There was a very loud thud and everything seemed to disappear into tiny masses of nothing. It felt so surreal and yet real. Aaron could see everything slipping by him as he desperately tried to hold on to Alastair. He jumped ahead only to find the ground receding. What was happening? Why can’t he get a grip for goddamn’s sake!
“I am not letting you go Alastair, not on my watch”, he screamed so loudly that the doors of the open room reverberated with his echo.
03: 33 AM read the watch by the nightstand.
Phew! Another nightmare.
Aaron McGraw, retired US army man found himself clad in sweat, with an uneven breathing and eyes that spoke of terror and panic. So much for being brave! There was a time when he used to look at the night sky and often found solace in it. Those were the days he spent at the camp, away from family and unaware of what tomorrow had in store.
Isn’t it rather strange that when nightlife was unpredictable and none of the nights promised a morning sun, he slept more at peace than today, when he had a roof above him, a comfortable bed beneath him and an almost 100 percent assurance of seeing the morning sun unless an unforeseen event happens.
Someone has truly said it is very hard to understand life! Knowing that there was no getting back to sleep again, he rolled up his ma
ttress slowly and wore his slippers, silently whispering the morning prayers. Serving 6 years at the war makes even an atheist a firm believer in God. You pray so many times, for the ones you love, for the ones who are waiting for you, for the ones who are waiting for your friends that you just know that God exists. He might not answer all your prayer, but he will look out for you!
Aaron headed to the balcony and the sky was still dark. The starlit night once had appeared to be romantic to him. He smiled at the stars; it was a twisted kind of smile because he knew what he was going to do for the next two hours.
“So, are you really dating Mel?”
“Man, do I look like the kind of person who could be tied to one chic!”
“Seriously Al, grow up!”
“Aaron, this life is so short. I don’t even know if tomorrow I am going to see the morning sun. Why should I get tied down to a girl and devoid so many beauties the once in a lifetime opportunity to flirt with the handsome hunk the world calls as Alastair”
Aaron couldn’t help but chuckle. Al had a way with words. He knew how to make light of a situation. His heart was broken by his high school sweetheart and it was in that impulsive moment that he had decided to join the army. He had given up everything, including his family and went away because they say that when you get your heart broken for the first time, you come to know what death feels like.
Sure, he had worshipped Amanda right from the day she had walked in her life. Alastair had known in that very first glance that she was THE girl. All his friends told him that it was nothing but a moment of infatuation or a crush that he will get over with time but Alastair knew it was different. In less than a week, news had spread like wild fire that the golden boy Alastair McGraw was no longer single.
He had always been the college heartthrob, a hit with the ladies, but he had never gotten serious with anyone. Amanda had stirred him like no one else and he clung on to her like she was his life. They had a whirlwind romance that lasted for 8 months after which Amanda unceremoniously broke things with him and even accused him of harassing her mentally! So much for first true love!
It had shattered his heart so badly that he had immediately signed up for army training and had never looked back since. His mother, father had tried to convince him not to take such a decision in haste but a bruised heart listened to none.
Off he went and the only person with whom he stayed in touch was Aaron, his young little brother because you don’t break the bro code!
Al was his senior at the army camp and Aaron was glad because who else would he wish to have as his commander general. Alastair had come a long way since his teenage days and did not believe in a happy ever after. He said, love is for fools and so he was the golden boy who broke too many hearts.
Every year when they came back home, Alastair went out with too many girls but never brought anyone home. Perhaps, Amanda still had that place in his heart. Aaron wanted so badly to see his big brother falling in love again, but yes, war has a way of toughening people up. Aaron himself wasn’t sure, if he really wanted a girl to block his thoughts when he was off fighting unknown people, faceless names and the demons that often raged within.
“Aaron?”
“Yeah”
“Do you know what happens when we die?”
“I don’t know, I guess the Bible says the body is made of dust and then it goes back to being the same!”
“F*ck your logic man!”
“Why are you talking so deep tonight?”
“I am just wondering if I showed you the wrong path to follow.”
“Oh Al, you never did. You know, I have always looked up to you! However, joining the army was my own choice.”
“And why are you still single when that red headed chic from California was ready to throw herself over you, what was her name?”
“Pixie and I am single because I like this life. Who even has time for those tiny girl talks like aw babe, I can’t stop thinking about you. Aw babe, today is our first date anniversary, you forgot. Man, I am not cut out for that kind of sh*t”
“Ha! You sound like me!”
“So, we are brothers, mate. We ought to sound similar”
“Aaron, I want to tell you something today. Remember brother, life waits for no one. If love gives you a chance, do not run away. Look at those tiny stars shining from so far. What do they make you feel? Isn’t it love that speaks? I made a mistake all those years ago thinking I loved Am but perhaps, I was too young to know. Sure, it had felt like love and perhaps it was, but it is love alone that drives away the lack of love. When love happens, promise me you won’t run away from it, rather be my boy and crash headlong into it.”
“What’s gotten into you, bro?”
“Just looking out for you, brother. If something happens to me, I don’t want you to follow my shoes. Take a break, make a life and live.”
“We are in it together. I am not leaving you. We are more than brothers, okay? You hear me, okay”
“Stop behaving like a girl”
“F*ck your ass”
“Bite me”
The alarm rang breaking the silence in the room and waking him up from his reverie of old dreams.
5:00 A.M.
The sun was beginning to rise and the stars started fading away in the oblivion and Aaron knew it was time to get started. He had been hiding away for so long. The memories of his brother always came to both haunt and soothe him.
He had not just lost a brother, but he had lost his mentor, his commander, his best friend and his guide. Every night, he still woke up terrified and in tears. The pain of seeing his brother blow up into literally mass of nothing had knocked him senseless.
PSTD as the world called it in fancy terms but he knew it just meant that life seemed to have stopped for him. Will there ever be a way out of this darkness? Will love drive away the absence of love, like big brother had told? Something inside told him that the morning sun will stir a new tale. Maybe, there was still some life left to live!
“Dr. Harry Potter
Mills Apartments
12, Sky Street Avenue
3rd floor
NYC
Be there at sharp 11 AM”
He mentally cursed himself when he read the text containing the above mentioned information. Seriously, Dr. Harry Potter! What the hell did he think he was a wizard boy? He couldn’t help but chuckle at how Al would have reacted to the same. Surely, he would have some kind of funny one liner to put. Harry Potter, what the heck! What was his parents thinking when they named him! Deciding that he wasn’t anyone to judge, he simply texted back, “Okay” and then dumped his phone on the lonely bed.
He had left his little home in North Carolina and had come to settle in the New York City because being in the same city where he had so many memories with Alastair had started to take a toll on him. Simply walking down the road made his claustrophobic because he could see the ghost of his brother walking past him. His brother had never blamed him for his death. He couldn’t after all. Al blew up right in front of his eyes, but there was a part of him that believed he should have tried, harder. Alas, all that was left was regrets. Perhaps he never forgave himself and this is why even though he was so many miles apart from the place he had known as home, the nightmares didn’t stop.
Mom knew well that he was suffering from post stress traumatic disorder and that he barely slept and often woke up in the middle of the night crying his eyes out. He had postponed visiting a therapist for long, but his mom was not going to give up. So, he figured it was about time he met and saw the therapist. How difficult it can really get and then he cursed and swore because he knew it will be one f**king headache to deal with it.
So, unwillingly he ventured out, wearing a clean white shirt because you really don’t want your therapist to look at you and feel that you look like shit. At 11:05, he rang the bell to the apartment of Mr. Harry Potter, waiting to see what this wizard boy had up his sleeve.
A young man who must h
ave been no more than 28 or 29 opened the gate and asked him for his name.
Aaron McGraw, ex army man. It still felt surreal to add that ex before his name but he knew the more he said it, the easier it would be to accept that his life had changed and there was no undoing it either.
“You’re late, mister!” barked the guy.
So much respect for being an army man.
He looked at his watch and it read 11: 06. Seriously, was this high school now?
He gave him an exasperated look and just murmured, “I am here to meet Potter.”
“I know and that would be me”
He looked again and for the second time in the same day, the Potter guy baffled him. Seriously, a therapist who looked younger than him! His mother really needed to plan things through.
“Get in, Mr. McGraw but make sure you turn up on time. I have no tolerance to people who think they own time.”
“Are you some principal of a teenage girl’s school or something?”
“Would that be any of your business? Get that attitude out of your ass now. I am here to help you but your attitude won’t help. And yes, before we begin, let me get one thing straight. I am Harry Potter and I don’t entertain those shitty Potter jokes which most of you tend to make. Trust me, when I say I have heard every possible one of them and I don’t like them. So, as long as you’re inside my home, I am the only Harry Potter you know. Are we clear?”
Aaron couldn’t help but chuckle. This was going to be one eventful day! He just said “aren’t therapists supposed to be more approachable and friendly so that people open up?”
“Yes, you are right and you will see that once we start with the session. Come in to the reading room.”
Harry Potter was a strange guy and maybe, that was all he needed to sort out the mess which was now his life!
“Are you aware of PSTD?”
A Bride Worth Billions Page 29