Waiting for Patrick

by Brynn Stein

  If this is supposed 2 be 4 me, I’d rather u stay & hire out the remodeling.

  “I know. But I can’t, Ben.” To be honest, Elliot was scared to death. If he really had such little time left, he didn’t want to spend it cooped up in this house, even with Ben. “I’ve got to get back out there. I’ve got to live while I can.” Elliot stabbed his toast into an egg and watched it bleed the beautiful long-denied yolk over his plate.

  If you have…if you…you need to be here if….

  Ben typed, trying several times to get his thoughts down, but then he erased the whole line.

  “What are you trying to say?” Elliot bit the soppy end off the toast and savored the flavor he’d missed for so long.

  Never mind. I was hoping u’d understand by now. I thought u were starting 2…I was hoping I wouldn’t have to explain about…I don’t know how much I’m even allowed to say. U have 2 make up ur own mind. That’s the way it works.

  “The way what works?” Elliot scooped up a forkful of egg and brought it to his mouth.

  Life.

  Elliot wasn’t sure that’s what he had meant at first.

  U have 2 do what u think is best.

  “I’m not leaving immediately.” He mopped his toast around the plate. “And I’ll be back, Ben. I really will.”

  ok

  Elliot thought that meant “shut up about it now,” so he changed the subject. “So did we decide on robin’s egg blue or moss green for this last room? I’ve researched and those colors are of the time period. The bright purple that’s on the walls now has to go.”

  LOL Yeah. Not exactly a typical Civil War era color.

  Elliot was grateful that Ben was going to let it drop. Part of him hated to think about leaving, but another part felt he had to go, especially to that particular house in Pennsylvania.

  “HEY, ELLIE.” Sheri peeked her head around the front door. “Are you ready to go to your doctor’s appointment?”

  The laptop floated toward the door and landed on the table just inside the doorway.

  He’s upstairs getting his jacket. He’ll be down soon.

  “You know that still freaks me out, right?” Sheri asked, turning to talk to the laptop. It was as good a focal point as any since she couldn’t see Ben.

  It’s the little things that make the day bright.

  Sheri giggled like a schoolgirl and slapped her fingertips across the top of the laptop. “You’re definitely picking up Ellie’s horrible sense of humor.”

  Elliot came sailing into the living room, no doubt having caught the exchange on the way in.

  “See, Cher? He fits right into our messed-up, weirdassed family.” Sheri didn’t know if Elliot had caught enough of the conversation to know what Ben’s last line was answering or if he was just responding to her statement. But she understood his meaning, either way.

  “It would be better if he was actually alive, Elle.” She realized she was teasing Ben the same way she would Elliot and hoped that wasn’t going over a line.

  “He can’t help that, Cher. Don’t be such a bigot.” Elliot patted the top of the laptop.

  Yeah. Stop discriminating against the corporeally challenged.

  Sheri clapped Elliot on the shoulder. “Oh my God, Ellie. He’s you… in the afterlife.”

  All three of them laughed out loud, in various ways.

  ELLIOT WALKED with Sheri up the concrete walkway to the little brownstone that was his cardiologist’s office. Dr. Proust from the hospital had referred him to Dr. Abernathy, since he was a cardiologist who specialized in congestive heart failure. Elliot had been to the office several times already and liked the man.

  They checked in and found a seat in the small waiting area. There were chairs lining the wall on two sides of the room, and the ubiquitous out-of-date magazines adorned several end tables.

  Elliot sunk down into a chair in the corner and Sheri sat daintily beside him. It seemed like forever before the receptionist called him for his turn.

  Sheri laid a hand on his arm as he got up. “Do you want me to go in with you, Elle?”

  He patted her hand and then dislodged it. “I’m a big boy, Cher, and I’ve done this before. This is hardly my first appointment.”

  “I know.” She pulled down the cuff of his shirtsleeve. “And I offer every time.”

  “It’s okay, Cher.” Elliot patted her hand again. “Thanks.” He realized it was the only way Sheri could figure out to help the situation. She was as worried about the whole thing as he was.

  The nurse led Elliot to a small room, asked him to sit on the paper-lined table, and told him to take off his shirt.

  “Yeah, I know the drill.” He grinned at the tiny nurse who must be new. He didn’t remember seeing her there before.

  He waited for what felt like hours before the doctor came in and put him through the paces.

  Same stuff, different day.

  “I don’t like the way your heart sounds,” Dr. Abernathy finally told him. “I’m going to order some tests to check on heart function. We might need that pacemaker we’ve talked about.” He cocked his hip on the corner of the counter and gave Elliot his full attention. That was one of the things Elliot liked about this doctor. Since he had to have a heart doctor, it was good to have one who took the time to really explain things. “Are you having trouble with heart palpitations?”

  “If you mean my heart’s daily attempt to leap out of my chest and do a jig on the bedroom floor, yes, I’m having heart palpitations.” Another of the many reasons Elliot liked Dr. Abernathy was because he got Elliot’s humor.

  “Trouble breathing?”

  “That too.” Elliot grabbed his shirt and shrugged into it while he talked to the doctor. “So, pacemaker?”

  The doctor nodded. “Maybe. I’ll get you in here after we see the results of the test. We’ve been heading toward that for a while now.” Elliot had thought he would have more time. He fumbled with the buttons on his shirt as he listened to the rest of what the doctor was saying. “It’s not major surgery. We’ll keep you overnight just to make sure the pacemaker is set correctly and working. It’ll help with the palpitations and with the breathing somewhat. We’ll attach leads to your heart that will run to the pacemaker itself, which will be inserted just under your skin.”

  “What are the tests about, then, if you’re pretty sure I need this?”

  “I want to make sure we don’t need bypass surgery.”

  Elliot straightened up and forgot all about his buttons. He didn’t think he could get his fingers to do anything right now.

  “That would be the worst-case scenario, and I don’t really expect that yet, but I want to rule it out.”

  Elliot could still barely move. He remembered that surgery was often needed in patients with advanced congestive heart failure. “But it’s heading that way?”

  “Possibly. As the heart failure progresses, the arteries have more and more trouble pumping the blood. Also, if the coronary artery disease gets worse, we may need the surgery to treat that.” The doctor must have noticed Elliot’s stillness. “It’s not a foregone conclusion, and I don’t think we’re there yet. But I want to make sure before we insert the pacemaker.” He stood and clasped Elliot’s shoulder. “Let’s get the tests run first and see what we see. I’ll try to put a rush on it. Get you in for an MRI tomorrow maybe.”

  Elliot just nodded.

  Okay, he told himself, a pacemaker isn’t that big a deal. Calm down. Breathe.

  The doctor patted his shoulder and moved toward the door. “Go ahead and finish dressing and I’ll see what Annie can find out. She’ll probably have to call you with the date and time. She’s a miracle worker, but she’s not fast enough to get an appointment before you leave the office.”

  The doctor laughed at his own joke as he left and swung the door closed behind him.

  Elliot sat for a long moment, trying to calm himself down. Finally he convinced his recalcitrant fingers that they could, indeed, slip little plastic disk
s into vertical slits. When he finally got the buttons finished, he shuffled back out to take care of his bill and go face Sheri.

  ELLIOT DRAGGED himself into the house, having said good-bye to Sheri at the car. As soon as he opened the door, a floating laptop greeted him.

  What did the doctor say?

  “Hello, Ben.” Elliot snatched the computer out of the air and headed toward the stairs. “It’s nice to be home. Thank you for the warm welcome.”

  :-p

  “Don’t stick your tongue out at me.” Elliot enjoyed their banter, and it actually made him feel less defeated, but he still wanted to head right to bed. It was only three in the afternoon, but he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to take a nap. He told Ben as much.

  Want company?

  “In my dreams?” Elliot tried not to trip up the stairs while balancing an open laptop, let alone actually trying to read Ben’s answers. “Since when do you ask?” It came out a lot sharper than he’d meant it.

  um….

  “I didn’t mean it like that, Ben. I love our time together. I meant you usually simply show up instead of planning it in advance. And you are always welcome.”

  Ok. Company then.

  Elliot chuckled. “I’d love some. I’ll see you in a bit.”

  ELLIOT ROLLS over and there is Ben, lying stretched out beside him on that terrible bedspread that Elliot hasn’t gotten around to replacing. Ben was watching him sleep.

  “How can I dream that you’re watching me sleep?” Elliot runs a hand through Ben’s hair, shrugs a shoulder, and laughs. “How does any of this work? I guess it doesn’t matter.” He briefly wonders if Ben knows more than he’s telling about how this works, but decides he doesn’t care. “Anyway. It’s nice to be able to cuddle with you.”

  “Yes, it is.” Ben pulls Elliot into a hug.

  “I love the way I fit in your arms.” Elliot snuggles even closer. Ben fits just as well in Elliot’s, but Elliot needs to be held tonight. His sexual encounters in the past have always been about him being in charge, but it’s not like that with Ben. It never has been. Neither of them are in control, and they both are. They’re equals, partners, two halves of the same whole. Which makes Elliot think of something.

  “So, Ben.” Elliot looks down at Ben’s chest and strokes his finger up and down the smooth skin. He isn’t sure he can look Ben in the eye and ask this question. He isn’t sure what he’ll see there. “What happens to us if Patrick does come back? What would he think about me being with you?”

  Ben is silent for a long time, simply lying there, petting Elliot’s hair. “He would understand.”

  “Sounds too good to be true, Ben.” Elliot chances a look at his face. “I can tell you, if I was your boyfriend in another life and finally came back a century and a half later to find you in the arms of another man?” He shudders at the merest thought. “I would not be understanding.”

  Elliot isn’t sure he believes Patrick is coming back. But Ben does, so it’s important to Elliot how Ben feels about this. He doesn’t want Ben to feel like he’s cheating.

  “He’ll understand. When… um… he finally comes back to me, he’ll understand it all.” Ben’s warm breath tickles Elliot’s ear and he reaches around for a kiss, and Elliot loses all interest in more conversation. Elliot always feels so good when Ben kisses him.

  But Elliot wants more. He rolls over, pushing Ben onto his back, and kisses him breathless. Elliot hasn’t felt like doing much when he’s awake lately. He’s back to feeling fatigued all the time. But here? Here he can do anything he wants.

  He takes Ben’s hands and pulls them above his head, then holds them there with one hand. Elliot gives him a look, part challenging, part asking for permission. Ben’s response is an amused look, and then he relaxes into it. They haven’t played with bondage before. Elliot spares a thought that Daniel had seemed to enjoy it. And as silly and wrong as it seems, thinking about another man in bed, Elliot can’t help but wonder if Ben would like it too. So he decides to try it.

  He kisses the side of Ben’s neck, then sucks on the crease between neck and shoulder. One good thing about dream sex, Elliot muses, is that there is no way he can hurt Ben here. He can’t even leave a mark unless Ben wants one.

  Elliot sucks on Ben’s earlobe, then bites a little, whispering, “Tell me if you don’t like this.”

  Ben leans into Elliot’s touch and answers, “I like anything you want to do. Have fun.”

  It almost sounds like a challenge. But as much as Elliot played around with a little mild bondage, he doesn’t think he could get really rough or get into hard core stuff, even if he tried. But he can play along a little, rise to the challenge. Both figuratively and literally, Elliot realizes, and he notices his dick peeking up at him, ready for action.

  Elliot sits up abruptly and straddles Ben, leaning on his wrists. “Keep them there,” he growls and starts to move down his body.

  “Make me,” Ben says challengingly, leering down his body to find Elliot’s eyes.

  “I don’t want to have to hold them,” Elliot says a little petulantly, meeting his gaze. “I have other plans for my hands, Ben.”

  “It’s a dream. Think something up.” Elliot has never seen Ben’s expression look as filthy as it does right now.

  “Really?” Elliot’s not sure why it didn’t occur to him. Their clothes disappear at will. Why not make something else appear?

  “Anything you want,” Ben purrs, and there are suddenly fur-lined, leather cuffs around his wrists. “There you go,” he encourages. “Use your imagination.”

  Elliot feels like he’s just been granted unlimited wishes. In a way he guesses he has. He’s on a roll now. There’s no stopping him. Ben’s legs are instantly spread and cuffed to some unseen source on either side of the bed. When he moans with abandon, Elliot about loses it right then.

  “You’re getting into this, huh?”

  “I’m into you. And you’re getting into it.” Ben lifts his head as far as he can and grins at Elliot, but there’s something feral about that smile. Ben doesn’t want to talk about this right now. He wants to get on with it.

  Elliot can do that.

  He scoots down to Ben’s foot and starts nibbling on his toes. Licking swipes along the bottom of his foot, Elliot swirls his tongue along the top. He licks and nips his way up Ben’s leg and bites the fleshy part of his thigh. Just enough to elicit more of those groin-piercing groans. Ben bucks up, hoping Elliot will take care of his straining erection.

  “I’ll get to it,” Elliot promises, sparing the briefest of glances toward where Ben is straining his neck up to try to watch. “But not right now.” Ben flops his head back onto the mattress and sighs in frustration.

  Elliot nuzzles the hair around Ben’s prick but doesn’t touch it at all. Instead he licks swipes up Ben’s stomach and dips his tongue into his belly button. He covers Ben’s body with his own as he works his way up to Ben’s hard nipples. Ben’s erection is trapped between the two of them now, and he whimpers again. Elliot lets his own slide between Ben’s ass and the sheet and starts to move back and forth, setting up just enough friction to be pleasurable, not enough to come.

  “I don’t want to stop to get the lube,” Elliot growls. “I want….”

  “It’s a dream, love.” Ben locks gazes with Elliot. “I’m lubed, and stretched and ready. Do what you want.”

  Elliot keeps forgetting they can do that here. He pulls back one more time, aims, concentrates on where he wants to be, and slides into Ben in one motion that would be impossible outside the dream, even with lube. Ben moans beautifully, and it’s all Elliot can do to keep from coming from the sound alone.

  “Oh god, Ben, I love you so much.” Elliot throws his head back and concentrates on thrusting into Ben, hitting that spot inside him with each entrance, making Ben turn into a writhing mess beneath him.

  Ben tells Elliot he loves him too, in between mores and fasters, but is almost too lost to the sensations to speak. His
gorgeous whimpers and groans are doing unbelievable things to Elliot. Even in a dream, he doesn’t think he’s going to last long with Ben making those kinds of noises. Elliot sets up a punishing pace and finds out he was right. It doesn’t last long. He thrusts once more into Ben, and suddenly he’s out of the cuffs and holding Elliot, shaking with his orgasm.

  The leg cuffs disappear too, eventually, and they turn on their sides, refusing to let go of one another. They both keep muttering how much they love each other, and it doesn’t even seem out of character to Elliot. He’s never said that to another living soul, either before, during, or after sex. And if he ever had, he wouldn’t have meant it. He means it with Ben, and he can’t stop saying it. He feels like he’s stuck in a romance movie and he’s been cast as the blushing virgin who has fallen head over heels for the dashing hero. But right now, Elliot doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how silly or stereotypical it is. It’s how he feels right now, and that’s all that matters.

  Judging from the goofy grin on Ben’s face, he feels exactly the same way.

  Chapter 10

  ANNIE FROM the doctor’s office called bright and early the next morning. She had managed to get the test scheduled the day after that. Elliot was beginning to understand the doctor’s comment about her being a miracle worker.

  Ben was there for the call, but Elliot felt he needed to call Sheri. She agreed to come back and drive Elliot to and from the hospital as well, just as she’d insisted on transporting him to his doctor’s appointments. Elliot thought it was mainly to assure herself that he actually went, but partially to make sure he told her what was going on. He found he didn’t really mind. Sheri was just concerned about him. It was actually nice having people who cared.

  Sheri picked Elliot up the next morning and took him for his MRI appointment. He wouldn’t know the results until the following day.

  He tried to busy himself with designing plans for the new houses he’d bought, including Ben’s. His day was filled with calls to his CEO to handle some minor problems that had come up, and with correspondence with contractors in various locations. He still wanted to get the best value for his money and accepting bids from several firms or individuals was the way to do that.