by Sarah Miller
Gid said, “Do you remember the first time we met? I carried your bag.”
Pilar touched her big silver hoop earrings. She watched as all her eager-beaver helpers slunk away. “I don’t know eef I remember,” she said.
I could tell Gid felt awkward, the way he kept moving from one foot to the other. “It’s OK,” he said. He added, “You’re so tan.”
“Thanks,” Pilar said. He does look good. Better than usual. But I am not going to flirt with him. I am not going to give Madison the satisfaction.
“I saw a shark,” Gideon said.
“I have seen many sharks,” said Pilar. There is something about his face that I wish I could change. I don’t know what it is. If it changed I might flirt with him for real and not like Madison said.
“This was a big shark. And it swam right by me.”
“You know,” Pilar said, “sometimes a shark could be magnified by the water and it ees not as big as it looks.”
Gid scowled at her, and he looked cute when he scowled, because he was having fun. “Pilar,” he said. “Seriously. You can be as cool as you want. If you swam by a shark, I swear to God, you would shit yourself.”
Pilar burst out laughing and, at the same time, thought to herself, I like the way he looks right now. If he looked that way all the time, I could like him.
Madison had been lagging behind, buying eye cream at the duty-free. Now she walked by as Pilar giggled. She whispered, “How’s your little toy velvet mousie?” Pilar stopped laughing abruptly, clamping her hand over her mouth.
“Oh, Geedeon,” she said, laying her hand on his arm. “Well. Madison says I flirt with you, but I don’t so much, really, do I?”
This question was, of course, the very definition of what Madison was talking about.
“I don’t know. Keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll let you know.”
Hmm. OK, he looks kind of cute right now.
Cullen sat on a SuperShuttle waiting bench, Madison astride him, smoking a cigarette. They were cousins, and used this relationship to shock people with inappropriate sexual behavior. Pilar could hear snatches of her conversation: Elias, totally amazing, so creative, such an amazing experience.
Nicholas pulled up in the car, and they all lined up at the trunk to put their stuff in. Madison’s bag was tiny, and Cullen and Gid didn’t have much, but between Nicholas’s scuba stuff and Pilar’s bag, the trunk wouldn’t close. “It’s Pilar’s bag,” Madison said. “I told you not to bring such a giant bag.”
Nicholas got out of the car and studied the problem. “We need something strong to tie it all down,” he said.
“What about my dick?” Cullen suggested.
“I think a bungee cord will do—plus, it’s wider.” Nicholas found one under the spare tire and managed to pull the trunk at least semi-closed. “All right,” he said. “Let’s roll.”
They all folded themselves into the car, Madison and Nicholas up front, Gid and Cullen and Pilar in back. Gid was in the middle. The car smelled of leather and marijuana. It was raining out and warm, and the car didn’t fit five people all that well. Nicolas put on BBC America. It was a program about fish farming in Southeast Asia. “Give me a break, like you like this shit,” Cullen said.
“He does like it,” Gideon said.
“He’s just trying to pretend to be intellectual,” Cullen said. “I’m sure all he thinks about is pussy. That’s all anyone thinks about.” He looked at Gid. “Am I right?”
Gid reddened and said, “No. I think about other stuff.”
“Ha. There’s an answer from someone who definitely only thinks about pussy.”
Pilar adjusted herself as if she were trying to get more room, but when she found herself a little too far away from Gideon, she shifted just a tiny bit into him. Madison can’t see me, and it feels kind of nice.
“Everyone needs to stop breathing so much,” Nicholas muttered, cranking up the defrost.
“Dude, I am sorry, but I need all the oxygen I can get,” Cullen said. “I’ve had my face buried in sandy muff all week.”
Everyone groaned.
“Why are you esso deesgusting?” Pilar asked.
Madison turned around and gave Pilar an amused look. “Hmm,” she said. “You think he’s ‘deesgusting’?”
Madison turned back around. Cullen had a joint going, and Madison took a puff on it and cracked the window to blow out the smoke.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Pilar said. Pilar tried to see Madison’s face, but they were going through a dark patch of highway. Then they drew near an exit, and Madison’s face was suddenly illuminated, and what Pilar saw on it was cruel delight.
Madison took another puff on the joint. “Nothing,” she said.
Cullen sat up in his seat. “Well, well, well, ladies,” he said, rubbing his hands together in eager anticipation of a fight. “Let’s not end this conversation before it gets started.”
Madison was suddenly prim and reserved. “I think this is a private conversation between me and Pilar,” she said.
“You’re the one who started it,” Pilar said. “So let’s hear it.”
She sounded confident, but she was terrified.
Madison put down her book. “All right,” she said. “Yeah, I know Elias hit on you. But you totally present yourself to everyone that way, so…”
“What way?” Pilar demanded.
“Please,” Madison said. “Let’s think about that night. You get there. You sit right next to him, you are all over him, and—”
“But, I was just trying to…” Pilar was truly confused. “I was just trying to get the job. I was just being flirtatious.”
“There’s a fine line between flirtatious and ho-bag.” Madison said. “And you were solidly in ho-bag territory. OK, ho-bag is a strong word. All I’m saying is, if you act like a dumb hottie, that’s what you’re going to get treated like.”
Everything went silent in the car.
I thought Pilar was going to throw up. Yell at her, she told herself. Tell Madison to fuck off. But maybe everyone does think I am a dumb hottie.
Madison continued. “You’re like Paris Hilton, except no one knows who you are.”
“Hey,” Gid said, turning to Pilar. “Weren’t you on a gossip page once called People Are Talking About?”
Madison said sneeringly, “She was just standing next to people people were talking about. No one was talking about her.”
Pilar blinked back tears. Not in front of her. She managed to keep from crying, but after a few minutes, she couldn’t help it. She sniffled.
“Holy shit,” Cullen said. “This is kind of harsh.”
“Well, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?” Gideon said. “You started it.”
It was quiet now. Nicholas turned the radio back on. Cullen tugged Madison’s hair and soon was trying to grab her boobs, and she was giggling and trying to act like she was stopping him. “Are you OK?” Gid said to Pilar.
She swallowed really hard. Even now, as I talk to him, I’m thinking about how dark and liquid and pretty my eyes look. There’s something wrong with that. There’s got to be something wrong with thinking about what you look like all the time, and always trying to get someone to respond to it.
She whispered, “Later.”
“OK,” Gid said. He inched away from her, and she didn’t inch back.
All things considered, it couldn’t have gone any better. Pilar fell asleep and had a dream about walking in a forest of quilted summer sandals, and I ran off to attend to that pesky little thing called my life.
Chapter Twelve
I burst into the Emerson common room at five minutes after two. It was a drafty, rectangular room with dumpy plaid furniture, scratched-up tables, and long windows covered with dusty velvet drapes. Ansel Adams prints proved someone had pretended to decorate.
Sergei and Dan were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, each looking sour in his own special way. Sergei was black-haired, medium heigh
t, and so thin that in some desperate refugee moment, back in the Ukraine, his parents had surely contemplated folding him up and putting him in a suitcase. I think he wore his mother’s hand-me-down jeans, and I wondered why no one had explained to him yet that, now that he lived in the United States, he couldn’t wear such ugly pants.
Dan had a pasty face and lifeless medium brown hair. He was always wearing a black fleece pullover, and the shoulders were white with dandruff. Negativity and bitterness poured from him like lava from a volcano. The absolute only reason I could think of why his parents would send him to a snotty prep school was that they hated him.
Edie sat in a chair near the fireplace. “You’re late,” she said.
I wasn’t very late. I knew that she meant that I was just late in general. That I hadn’t been around, that I didn’t seem very trustworthy, unless you were perhaps relying on the fact that I would, without explanation, just take off again.
“I’m very, very sorry,” I said. “But I swear I am not going anywhere until we get this done.” And I really wasn’t. It didn’t seem like Pilar and Gideon were going to hook up today, if ever, so best to get down to business. “OK,” I said, rubbing my hands together with enthusiasm. “What have we got here?”
“We’ve got nothing,” Edie said. “They keep saying, ‘Let’s just ask them.’ I keep saying that isn’t going to work, and the three of us can’t think of anything.”
“You should just let us do it,” Sergei growled. “Dan and I are the smartest kids in the whole school. And we were the only people left from the remaining ATAT team. They’ll do it if we ask them.”
Dan looked at Sergei and they both nodded confidently. Edie and I looked at each other. I know we were both thinking the same thing. That Devon, Mickey, and Nicholas barely even knew who Sergei and Dan were, and if they tried to talk to them, getting laughed at was about the best they could hope for.
“I think you’re definitely right that we shouldn’t all go at once,” I said. “But I think that, really, Edie and I should talk to all of them.”
A greasy strip of Sergei’s dark hair fell across his forehead. Dan scratched his head and a fresh shower of dandruff fell from his shoulder onto the couch as he leaned to whisper in Sergei’s ear. “Can we have a minute?” Sergei said.
“Sure,” I said. I waited. I realized they were waiting for us to go into the hall.
“You want the minute, you go,” Edie said before I could.
They pouted but they left.
“Whoa,” I said to Edie. “That was pretty ballsy. I don’t know what to make of you with the—”
Edie crossed her arms over her chest. “Molly, what’s going on with you?”
As innocently as I could I said, “What do you mean?”
She shook her head. “One minute you’re in a terrible mood, and now, you’re, like, all giddy.”
I guess I was giddy. I was just glad Pilar didn’t really seem to like Gid. She was in her room now, doing sit-ups.
“I don’t know, Edie,” I said. I was stalling. “There’s really nothing wrong with me. I—”
“Look, Molly,” Edie said. Her new clothes seemed to come with a slightly more forceful personality. “I’m not saying that you have to move out or that we can’t do ATAT. But I just want you to know that, at this point, we’re not really friends.”
I started to protest but she held up her hand. “I’m not mad at you. But it’s just that if you can’t tell me what’s been going on with you, basically for the last six months, well, I can’t really be your friend. I can’t pretend everything between us is normal.”
I felt stupid for all those times we’d shared a tiny moment, like about Devon this morning, and I’d actually believed we could go back to being close. God, I wanted to just tell her. But I couldn’t. Maybe before, about Gid. But this Pilar shit was crazy. She wouldn’t believe me, and then, not only would we not be friends anymore, she would think I was nuts.
What was I going to say? Fine? We’re not friends, starting now? “I hope you change your mind,” I said. Edie looked annoyed, and realizing that wasn’t the point, I rushed to correct myself. “I mean, I hope things change between us, and…” I didn’t want to say I’m sorry, because it would make it seem as if I had rejected her and she was merely responding to that. “This isn’t how it’s going to be forever,” I said.
It was vague, but it was the only thing I could say that felt kind of true, and I was pleased when she didn’t frown. She didn’t smile either.
I think we were both relieved when Dan and Sergei came back into the room, walking side by side. They were grim-faced, trying to look tough. “We’ll do it your way,” Dan said.
“But you better be right,” Sergei added.
They stood there a few more seconds. And then they left. We watched them walk across the quad together, talking excitedly.
“So. Mickey first? Then Devon?” I asked. “And then, for the grand finale, Nicholas?”
“OK,” Edie agreed. “This is going to be a challenge.”
“No,” I said, “climbing the Matterhorn is a challenge. This is going to be a nightmare. And one that…one that I would like to begin alone.”
Edie looked at me apprehensively.
“Let me get Mickey by myself. We can both talk to Devon and Nicholas,” I said.
Now she looked at me with suspicion. “Are you doing something…like…weird?” she said.
“Trust me,” I said.
It was the wrong thing to say, since she had just told me she fundamentally didn’t trust me.
“Trust me for now,” I said.
Mickey was the campus drug dealer. Well, along with Gid and Cullen and Nicholas, who grew pot occasionally, he was. He was really short and arrogant. He was smart and he knew it. He wasn’t mean, but there was something about his total self-satisfaction that made him seem mean.
But for a drug dealer he didn’t drive a very hard bargain.
“Absolutely,” he said. “I see PBJ muff and I will not only join, I will never even complain, not once.”
In exchange for joining ATAT, I’d promised he could see Pilar Benitez-Jones, naked. I’d expected him to ask me how many times, but apparently once was enough, because within minutes, we were out the door. “We have to hurry,” I said. We were in the common room of Gid’s dorm, Proctor.
“I don’t even need a coat,” Mickey said. “Let’s go.” As soon as we were out the door, a window on the second floor of Proctor opened and someone shouted, “Eisenberg! You midget douche!”
Mickey didn’t break stride. He turned around and walked backward shouting, “Oh, yeah, you know what, if you were me right now, you would absolutely shit yourself.” Turning to me, he said, “I can’t believe how hot Pilar is. It’s like, you can’t decide whether to look at her face or her body. You just can’t decide!” He let out a delighted laugh and looked at me admiringly. “Did your boobs get bigger?”
“I think I just lost weight,” I said. “They just look bigger by comparison. I can’t believe you could wrest your eyes away from my face to look at them.”
He laughed hard, as if this were very funny. Then he said, “Well, you’re getting that tits-on-a-stick look, and it’s nothing to sneeze at,” he said. Then he whistled. “But that Pilar Benitez-Jones, I mean, you’re a pretty girl, but she is, like, I mean, just thinking about her makes me want to like, shoot…”
Mickey shut his mouth when he saw my withering stare. “Mickey, I am plenty aware that Pilar far outshines my tepid girlish charms. That’s why I’m bribing you with this. Now shut up.”
It was dark now, and we tiptoed up the Emerson fire escape. Mickey whispered, “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.” We were timing it perfectly. Pilar had just finished working out, and when we got to the top landing, Pilar was just removing the first of her smooth, muscled golden legs from her cotton and spandex pants. “You have to lean over that railing,” I said. “Her window is right there. I’ll wait for you here.”
I sat
down on the bottom stair of the landing. Our room, and pretty much every room at Midvale, looked like some forgotten corner of Staples, but Pilar’s room had been decorated. It wasn’t like she was just some idiot rich girl who had a pink room. Her room was kind of tasteful, and amazing. It was painted a deep blue and had a four-poster vintage iron bed, and a small love seat tucked into the window. One thing it did not have was curtains. In a few seconds I heard Mickey whispering, “Holy shit. Look at her boobs. Oh my God. I have jerk-off material for months, even if she stops here. What’s the fucking deal with her not taking off her underwear! Shit. Oh my God. Turn around. Turn around, turn around. Oh my God. I saw it. I saw it.”
The whole thing lasted about ten seconds. Mickey came and sat next to me. His face shone in the moonlight. “I saw Pilar Benitez-Jones’s beaver,” he said. “You know what’s weird though?”
“Let me guess. She is so hot you couldn’t even properly stare at it.”
Mickey looked amazed that I understood this. “That’s exactly right,” he said. “God. I could die now, and I would be happy.”
I pulled him up. We had to get out of there. “You can’t die now. You have to do ATAT.”
Mickey smiled. “I told you, I see what I want, you don’t hear a peep from me. I am your loyal servant. How did you know she’d be naked? I mean, as I said, it’s not the first time I’ve looked in that window.”
“I can read her mind,” I said spookily.
I knew Mickey wouldn’t believe me, but he liked that idea. “Freaky lesbian witch stuff,” he said. “Hot.”
“If I show you her naked one more time,” I said, “like, maybe next week, will you do one more thing for me?”
“To see her naked again,” he said. “I would have my rectum removed.”
“Are you serious?” I said.
“One hundred percent,” Mickey said. “Do you know that she is the only girl in the school every single guy thinks is hot? Most girls encourage at least some lively debate. But mention Pilar, and everyone just sort of starts to get, well, kind of upset.”