by Jessie M.
***
I’m sitting at home missing him at 9pm on Monday night, after my dinner with my parents, when I get a text from him.
“Can I come over?”
“How fast can you get here?”
“15 minutes.”
“I’m waiting.”
I lead him into my very small and modest apartment. We have a quick tour around my two small bedrooms, my living room and my kitchen. He says it’s lovely… and very Rachelish, whatever that means. I introduce him to my ‘very much smaller than his’ bed. He seems quite happy once he is in it though. Close togetherness is impossible to avoid in my very small double bed. We make the most of it…
We wake up very early so we can get the full bed and shower session in before work.
TWENTY
Tuesday evening arrives much too soon for my liking and here we are standing at the front door waiting to be let in. I’m very nervous and uptight but trying not to show it. The party is being hosted by Jennifer and Anthony. We are welcomed inside and given a drink in the kitchen and taken through to the living room. There are another four people in there. I am introduced to everyone.
Charlotte is a stunning redhead. She has green eyes and a very curvy figure. I can see why she has captured the attention of these two men. She is also rather sweet and amusing I discover. I actually quite like her. She asks me about my job and tells me she works as an underwriter in insurance for Lloyds in the city. We all chat for a while and then have dinner. I notice Mark and Daniel seem to get on okay. There doesn’t appear to be any animosity between them over the Charlotte affair. Not on the surface anyway. Daniel is of course another exceptionally good looking man. He is fair haired and blue eyed and obviously highly into personal fitness based on the amount of muscle I can see. I still prefer Mark’s looks but then I am somewhat biased by love. One thing I do notice is that Daniel is a touch arrogant, loudly spoken and a little too self assured for my liking.
I start out feeling rather out of my league amongst these well educated and much better spoken people. I know my self esteem is low but there is an obvious class difference between us. I am fairly positive that none of the present company except myself went to school at the local comprehensive. I try hard to fit in a little. Mark is probably the least well spoken amongst them. That makes me feel a little better anyway.
Throughout the evening I watch for signs of Mark and Charlotte left over attraction. He does look at her quite a lot, she also looks at him. But then he looks at me a lot too. They have a couple of smiley private conversations. I try not to be concerned but I am feeling uneasy and very jealous about what they had together. He was going to marry her and they would most likely be together right now if it wasn’t for Daniel.
Despite the Mark and Charlotte business churning around in my mind, I do end up enjoying myself at the dinner party. They are all very nice and welcoming. I won’t feel quite so nervous meeting Mark’s friends in the future. I can cope with a little posh socialising with no trouble. My self esteem happily takes a small step forward.
We drive back to my apartment and Mark asks me to get some things and come back with him again. I am aware that we are entering into the very intense stage. I don’t want to make the same mistakes I did with Jon. I suggest that it might be a good idea to have a few nights apart now and then. So we appreciate each other more. Mark doesn’t see eye to eye with my theory. To be honest I’m not sure my theory is a good one or not. Mark is not going to control me, he just wants to be with me.
“But I need you. I don’t want a night apart. Anyway, I have to go to Manchester again on Thursday. You can have your night apart then.”
“I don’t want us to overdose on each other, that’s all.”
“Do you honestly think that’s going to happen?”
“I don’t know. Probably not”
“I love you, you love me, it’s natural for us to be together a lot.”
“I know that. It’s just my past experience, it’s bugging me… in the back of my mind”
“What d’you mean Ray?”
“He was very intense. He stopped me seeing anyone but him. It was even a struggle to see my parents at times.”
“I won’t do that, ever.” He pulled me to him for a very long kiss.
“I don’t really want to spend a night apart from you.” Never again in fact… but it seems I will be this week.
“I know you don’t. I can understand you wanting to see your friends now and then, but to not see each other for no real reason seems to be a pointless form of self denial.”
I’m completely persuaded. “I’ll go and fetch my things then.” He gets out of the car and follows me up the stairs. I actually love this Mark and I close togetherness. What I really want to do is wrap myself around him and never let go for the rest of my life.
I am amazed how fast I have recovered from the AB phase. I hardly ever think of Jon anymore. Tonight’s flashback was unusual. Apart from my lowered self confidence, which I think will take some time to improve, I really am feeling on top of the world lately. I hope with every ounce of my being that it will last.
TWENTY ONE
The next day I call Suze to see what she has been up to. It seems she is in a similar intense phase to me. She is staying at his or he is staying at hers. I suggest we could meet up on Thursday evening, if she could fit me in with big boy Sam. I wish she had never told me that about him as it popped into my head whenever she mentioned his name. We make a firm date for a girls night out at a club in Oxford with Icca and her other friends. I am actually looking forward to it. How things have changed so much for the better. I have Mark and Suze to thank for all of this.
***
“You can stay here if you like, while I’m away… it’s up to you.” Mark suggests on Wednesday night. He presses a door key in my hand.
“Ahhh, that’s so sweet of you, but I’ll go back to mine I think. I’ll see you Friday evening as soon as I can.” I squeeze the key tightly in my hand. Getting the key to his front door is a big step forward in my mind.
We part Thursday morning after a long and very intense goodbye. For God’s sake! I tell myself. He’s only away for one night!
***
I am a very lucky girl and I get two phone calls and two texts from Mark on Thursday. I am feeling extremely glowy and warm with his hot love you’s going on. I am more than a little enthusiastic back.
***
Suze and I are in a cab on the way to Oxford and our night out. She is looking her usual unique and wild self and I am actually looking a little more daring than normal, in some of my new expensive clothes.
We have a little heart to heart about things as we are driven along.
“Suze, I can’t thank you enough for taking me to Mark’s party…”
“So it’s going well is it?”
“I am so in love with him I can hardly believe it!”
“I’m really, really happy for you, you’re a completely different person now.
“I know, I am so over Jon. He doesnt even exist in my mind anymore.”
“Well I’d better be chief bridesmaid at the wedding.”
“Oh ha ha….”
“I mean it. I can see it coming up. He’s the marrying type…”
“Don’t be daft… the marrying type? What on earth are you talking about? Really!” He might have been the marrying type once. I’m not sure he is anymore, considering.
“Look, I’ve never told you this before, because I didn’t want to influence anything, but when you were laying out cold on his bed, that night at his party, I had a blinding vision of you two together. Have you ever wondered why I left you there? I could have insisted he helped me put you in my car, but I didn’t. I felt there was something starting that night.”
“You did, why was that?”
“I think he had a thing for you from the very beginning. There was something about the way he looked at you and he really didn’t want me take you home when I suggested it. He
said he’d keep an eye on you, make sure you were all right, bring you home in the morning when you had sobered up. Honestly hon, I get the feeling it’s going to go the whole way with him. You just see if your old friend Suze isn’t dead right on this.”
“My God, what a lot of drama goes on in your head, that’s an active imagination you’ve got there…” My heart was pounding. How could she foresee things like this? “… and what about you and Sam. How far down the aisle are you?” I try to joke but my head was spinning madly with Suze’s theory and revelation…
“We’re good. I’m so happy with him, he makes me feel hot all over, all the time.”
“I know exactly what you mean.”
We arrived at the city centre and met up with the others then headed off to a club for the evening. I have a lively but fairly sober night out, as unfortunately I have to go to work the next day. I tell Mark about it on Friday morning. It’s very uplifting to know that Mark is actually pleased I had a good time out and I don’t have to pretend that I didn’t like I did with Jon. I was never allowed to have a good time unless I was with him and he’d had a good time as well.
TWENTY TWO
I am sitting at work alone in the office on Friday afternoon. Mr Watkins left the office at lunchtime today. I decide to be rather cheeky and leave the office a couple of hours early. I want to get to Mark’s house before he gets back from Manchester. A little welcome home surprise. I go back to my place and get some things for the weekend and then make my way over to Mark’s. I leave the car in the public car parking area so he doesn’t know I’m there and then grab my bag and make my way down the quayside. As soon as I approach the house I am disappointed to see his car is already there. Still, at least the weekend can start a few hours early.
I start up his pathway and then stop in total shock. I can see right through the kitchen window and into the hallway. And what I see is Mark and Charlotte stuck together tightly. Her red hair is unmistakable. She seems to be kissing his neck and he is holding her head. Her arms are around his back. I am frozen to the spot for a terrible staring moment. I can’t breathe. My head swims. Something sharp stabs me in the chest. I suddenly turn and run away, my heart pounding, back down the path and back towards my car.
I knew he still had feelings for her and it seems she still has feelings for him. Mark is so much nicer than Daniel and she wants him back.
My shock turns into a wild distress and a torrent of blinding tears start to fall. I am shaking like mad as I drive home in my tearful state. I don’t know how I manage to get there in one piece. I go inside and call Suze, thankfully she is home.
“Can I come over… I really need to stay.” I beg her in a choked sobbing voice
“My God, what’s happened? Of course you can stay but I’m not going to be home all weekend.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind if you’re not home. I just need to be somewhere else right now.”
Somewhere he can’t find me.
I drive to Suze’s in another tearful shaky daze. Thankfully she doesn’t live too far away. I arrive at her door and she lets me in and gives me a tight hug. I can see she is shocked at the state I am in.
I tried to explain what I’d seen. I can hardly speak but I manage to get it all across somehow.
“Why didn’t you go inside and confront them? Maybe there was an explanation?”
“No, what explanation could there be! I don’t know why I ran away. I felt sick. I couldn’t face it.” I sob. All I knew was that I was a broken ruined person again. How could he love me so much and then do this?
I sent my mum a quick text to tell her I wouldn’t be round on Sunday as I was out and then switched off my phone for the weekend. I didn’t want to hear from him, whatever he had to say.
Suze went to Sam’s the next morning. She knew I was in a bad way and said she wanted to cancel and stay with me but I insisted she went out. I didn’t really want company. Not even Suze. I had her place to myself. I was back to sitting and staring. Not caring. Not anything. Almost numb with shock and disappointment. I made myself something to eat but couldn’t eat a thing. I watched TV but didn’t take anything in. The weekend passed in a blur of hurt and nothing. Suze returned at 4pm on Sunday evening and I realised I had to go home and face it all some time. It might as well be now.
I gave Suze a thankful hug for letting me use her home as a bolt hole for the weekend, drove home and let myself in. I turned my phone on and sent him a message.
“I’m home.” I’d had a whole weekend to prepare for the end and think about this. I wanted it done with as soon as possible.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Away.”
“I’m coming over right now.”
I sat waiting at the window for the final visit I would ever have from Mark.
I let him in and walked ahead of him into my living room. I turned to face him. He put his hand out to touch my arm but I stepped back, out of reach. I could see there were tears in his eyes. Serve him right. He should be upset. More than upset.
“I was so worried about you. Why didn’t you call me back?” His face looked confused and so hurt.
“You know the answer to that already.” I started to get upset looking at him. My eyes were blurring.
“No I really don’t.”
“Three words. You and Charlotte.” I’m just about holding it together.
“What about me and Charlotte?”
“I saw you together in your house.” I choke the words out. My control is really slipping.
He took a deep breath. “Is that what all this is about?”
“Yes and I’m shattered into pieces.” I can’t stop myself and start to cry a river.
“Oh my God… you’ve got it all wrong… Charlotte was upset. She has just found out she’s pregnant and Daniel doesn’t want her to keep it. He doesn’t want children. She asked me to speak to him. She was crying her eyes out. I gave her a long hug, that’s all.”
I started to rethink what I had seen. This could be true. Oh no… fuck… it was… I felt sick with realisation.
I sat down on the sofa still in full flood.
“I can’t believe you have such little trust in me. Considering I feel so much for you, and you must know exactly how much that is by now… do you honestly think I could switch off and go back with her just like that? I’m really hurt.”
“Jon, left me for someone else. It all felt like a repeat horror story to me.” I am trying to control my sobs… the relief is making them worse…
“You have to stop comparing me to him. I’m not like him at all. You know I’m not. Do you realise I have been sick with worry all weekend? I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t bear to lose you Ray.” His eyes were very teary. I stood up and hugged him.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I have no self esteem at all. She’s so much prettier than me and better spoken and more your type… I wonder all the time what you see in me.”
“Rachel, you are far more than beautiful to me. I love everything about you. You’re exactly my type. I knew it the minute I met you. I really need to work on making you feel good about yourself, I’ve obviously not done a brilliant job so far, have I?”
“It’s not your job to fix me.”
“I think it is. You’ve fixed me.”
“I have? What needed fixing?”
“Well I didn’t think I’d ever find someone I loved even more than her. But I have.”
What could I say to that. I was speechless with joy and crying at the same time. So I gave him a kiss instead.
“Don’t ever run away again… Promise me… You can talk to me about anything.”
“I promise. Now come with me, I have to make it up to you somehow. My dreadful, horrible, misunderstanding mind.”
“It’s okay now, I’m happy again. I can’t say this weekend was much fun, but it was worth going through in some respects. I think we understand each other a lot better now, don’t we?”
&
nbsp; “I so completely love you Mark.”
“I so completely love you too Rachel.”
I lead him off to my bedroom for a serious making up session. I pull him down on my small but cosy bed. I am going to show him and tell him what he means to me for hours and hours. But I’m going to pick his brains a little first though.
I am lying on my side facing him and running my fingers through his hair. I really love his hair.
“So you fancied me from the beginning did you?”
“Yes. The whole beautiful Rachel package.”
“But I was drunk and not interested. What’s beautiful about that?”
“I spoke to you before you got drunk and I didn’t think you’d stay not interested for long.”
“I don’t remember being particularly nice to you Mark.”
“You were amusing and different and obviously not out to impress me at all. I liked your offhand attitude and I thought you were very sexy. I was sure I could win you round.”
“Oh really?”
“I’m far too wonderful to resist”
“I suppose you are.”
“Especially when I put some effort into it.”
“You got me with your very friendly kiss after the wedding.”
“I put some feeling into that.”
“My feelings have never been the same since.”
“Neither have mine.”
We have a long passionate kissing session before we get round to the seriously energetic side of making up.
TWENTY THREE
We are sitting at his the following Wednesday evening. I am laying down on my side with my head on his lap and he is twirling strands of my hair.