Nodding, Jacen rubbed his face. "I might still love him a little bit, but it doesn't mean I'm in love with him. Now it is more I love him as a friend or even a brother. I'm not stupid enough to hold on to childhood dreams."
"Then why did you freak out so much when I asked him to stay at your house?" Micah demanded.
Jacen's mouth opened and closed a few time before he could finally answer. "Because I was beaten up and feeling like shit. You didn't even ask me what I wanted. You just announced he was staying and expected me to go along with it. It's my home, and I didn't even have a say in what was going on. Why do you always treat me like a kid? I'm a bloody adult, for crying out loud." He wasn't really angry at his brother or at Sammy. He was more frustrated that Micah still believed he knew what was best for him.
"I'm your big brother, and it's my job to always look out for you."
"I'm twenty-two. Don't you think I'm old enough for me to make my own decisions?"
Micah glared at him. "Do I need to say the name George Woodrow? Look at the great decision you made there."
"At least I wasn't pretending to be in love with my girlfriend while being secretly in love with my housemate." Jacen stormed right back at him.
"Enough!"
They both turned at the booming voice at the doorway. Kayne was standing there holding Macen's hand, while Macen looked frightened by all the raised voices.
"Now I don't know what the hell you all are fighting about, but they can hear you clear down to the nurses' station. Do you really want the whole of Ward D knowing your business?"
Glancing at the chagrined look on his brother's face, Jacen bit his lip before turning his attention back to Kayne. Holding out his arms, he said, "Macen, come sit next to me."
Still glaring between him and Micah, Kayne walked over to the side of the bed and lifted Macen up beside Jacen. Jacen smiled as Kayne sat back in the chair. After having sat in it for the last two days, it already seemed to hold his arse print.
Jacen swallowed a few times and asked, "What did the police have to say? I can't believe I have the same two cops working my case who worked on Sammy's last year. Travis and Emily are going to soon start thinking we're messed up."
Frowning at them all, Kayne answered. "Travis doesn't think we're messed up. In fact he said the cops would look into it, though George is still their number one suspect, seeing as there's already a history of spousal abuse between you."
"What history?" George had only ever gotten the one chance to physically hurt him. "He only ever hit me the one time. It wasn't like it was an everyday occurrence."
"He may not have abused you physically, but he did abuse you emotionally," Sammy said quietly.
"But how would the police know? I sure as hell didn't tell them."
"Apparently the cops in Melbourne interviewed your friend, and she, along with some of your neighbours, described exactly what George is really like. You didn't have to tell them anything. Your friend did it for you."
Sadness rushed through him, "I never did have any friends down there except for Margie, and she was old enough to be my mum. George said we had enough friends with the people he knew. While at Uni, I never even had time to really socialise with my peers."
"You're home now. I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends," Sammy said brightly.
"Maybe even find myself a boyfriend who'll actually love me for me, and who I can let myself love in return." Jacen smiled sadly. "Maybe I can allow myself to finally live again."
"You didn't loved George?" Kayne asked, his voice was filled with surprise.
Jacen shook his head. He wasn't going to lie. "It was never love. George was more… He was more a…" Jacen fell quiet. He just didn't know how to explain just why he was with George for so long when he didn't love the man. Crazy as he was, he didn't want to admit he couldn't let himself love George because of his feelings for Kayne.
"What was George?" Kayne pushed.
Focusing on Kayne's face, Jacen took a deep breath and replied. "George was a warm body—nothing more, nothing less. He filled a physical need in me. Is this what you wanted to know?"
"I…I…" Kayne closed his eyes and Jacen found it hard to read his face.
What was Kayne trying to do? Force him to admit things he knew Kayne truly didn't ever need to know the answers to? Well, it wasn't going to happen. No matter what they talked about, he wasn't going to admit the things they all seemed to want to hear. He wasn't stupid enough to put his heart out there just to get it stomped all over. He wasn't strong enough.
"You don't have to worry about me hitting on you or bringing strange men home, which would have Mace asking questions. I'm all grown up now. I can conduct my life with decorum." Jacen blinked furiously. He wasn't going to cry… He wasn't. "If you can't handle the fact that I'm an actively gay man, then I suggest you find a new place to live. I refuse to step into a closet I have never truly been in. I'm sorry if what I am offends you."
Sammy suddenly stood and took Macen's hand and headed for the door, stopping just at the entrance. "We'll take Macen for a drink and something to eat. I think you two need to talk." The last bit was said with a glare aimed straight at Kayne.
Kayne stood up and moved until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. "Jace, I'm not leaving. No matter what happens, you're stuck with me."
"Then why are you forcing me to tell you about George?"
"I wasn't. I just wanted to know why you never loved him. Why did you stay with him if you didn't love him?" Kayne asked.
"Fine." Jacen threw his hands up in defeat. "I couldn't love him because he wasn't you. And because he wasn't you, he couldn't have my heart. Is that what you wanted to hear? How your best friend's queer brother never got over his infatuation with you."
Kayne smiled and it confused Jacen to no end. "Yes, it's exactly what I wanted to hear. You have to remember that back then I was the one who kissed you and not the other way around." With no time to react, Jacen froze as Kayne swooped down and captured his mouth in a hard, ferocious kiss.
What the fuck?
CHAPTER TWELVE
Kayne was slightly shocked when Jacen shoved him hard in the chest and pushed him away. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Jacen was supposed to accept him, not reject him.
"Are you out of your ever loving mind?" Jacen's face was flushed in hurt and anger. "What are you playing at? You're not gay, so why are you pretending to be. If this is just some fucked up game to you, I don't want to play—not when it's my heart at stake."
"It's not a game," Kayne said. He moved Jacen's face until their gazes met. "I'd never play around with your heart that way."
"You did when I was fifteen. Kissing me back then fucked with my heart and my head, not to mention few other body parts which were affected by it."
"I was young and I was stupid…I'm sorry."
"Sorry is just another word. How can you be gay? You have a child. You were married. To a woman."
"Like I said, I was young and stupid. I made a mistake and paid for it. I lived my life the best way I could all because of one stupid mistake. I'm older now. I can choose which parts of my life I want to live." His gut was all tied up in knots and he wasn't quite sure he was explaining everything correctly. "I want to live the part of my life with you in it—where you're standing beside me, letting me love you, and having you love me in return. I want you in my family. I've always wanted you in my life."
"Since when?" Shock was evident in Jacen's voice
"Since the day I found you crying in the bathroom in high school. I've been in love with you for a very long time. I just couldn't act on it because of Teag. Why can't you see the truth behind my words?"
Kayne watched as Jacen sat there shaking his head. "I can't deal with this. I need to go home. I need to get my life on track. I need to focus on me." He mumbled as he got out of bed and started searching for his clothes.
"Jace…"
"No, don't 'Jace' me. Not right now. I need to think about this."<
br />
Kayne stood there watching Jacen get dressed. Knowing he had well and truly screwed things up was hard. He wanted so badly to walk over and wrap his arms around the other man, but didn't. If he wanted to be with Jacen in the full sense of the word, he would have to do things Jacen's way, even if it meant backing off—at least for now.
"Okay, Jace, tell me what you want. Do you want me and Macen to move out? Now that I'm on talking terms with Dad and Mum again, I'm sure we could move in with them for a while."
Jacen froze in the middle of pulling on his trousers but didn't turn around. "Do whatever the hell you want. You always do."
"Where do you think you're going?" Kayne demanded as Jacen, now fully dressed, headed to the door.
"I told you. I'm going home. I'm absolutely fine. I don't need to be in the damn hospital for one more second. I've had enough bullshit to last me a lifetime."
"Fine, whatever." Kayne was pissed off with himself. He had royally fucked things up. "I'll just get Macen and go. Micah and Sammy can give you a lift home. Give me an hour and I'll have everything out of your place. It'll be as if we were never there at all." Kayne walked passed Jacen. "See ya around."
His throat burned as he walked away. Never truly believing Jacen would reject him, it hurt when he was proven wrong. All his dreams that had helped him through his whole marriage to Teagan were slowly slipping out of his grasp. So this is what it felt like to have your heart broken—not a nice feeling at all.
He couldn't even bring himself to talk to Micah and Sammy as he collected Macen. He wasn't going to break down in public over a man who didn't want him. Damn, he should have just kept his big mouth shut. If he had, then none of this would be happening now.
Kayne drove straight to Jacen's house and collected enough belongings to last them until he could arrange to have the rest moved. Squirt wasn't happy to be taken away from his new stomping ground, but the dog would have to get over it.
Things change.
The entire time he packed up, Macen kept quiet and Kayne hated it would seem to his son they were ripped out of another new home. "It'll be okay, Mace. We're going to stay with Nan and Pop for a while."
"But I like living here…with Jacen. Why doesn't he like me anymore? Did I do something wrong? I promise not to do it again."
Kayne faltered at the tears running down his son's face. "You didn't do anything. Jacen just needs some time by himself. We'll stay with Pops until we can move into our own place—just you me and Squirt."
He didn't think his son believed him one iota, but at least he didn't ask any more questions Kayne didn't have answers for. When they were done, Kayne left the house keys on the kitchen bench before he closed the door and made sure it was locked. The last thing he wanted was to be accused of keeping something not belonging to him.
* * * *
A week later Kayne was back at work, and Micah still hadn't let up. Every second sentence out of the guy's mouth was about Jacen, and Kayne was on his last bloody nerve.
"Stay out of it Micah," Kayne growled at his friend. "This has nothing to do with you." The truth was he didn't need to listen to Micah bitching. It was none of his damn business.
"He's really messed up right now. You just need to give him time." Micah went on as if Kayne hadn't even said anything at all. "I know he still loves you. He as much as admitted it to me and Sammy last night."
Throwing down his hammer, Kayne turned and faced his friend. "Micah, your brother doesn't want me. He made his wishes perfectly clear, so just let it drop. I can't force the man to let me into his life. It has to be his choice, and he's already decided."
"But…" Micah was interrupted as his phone rang. "Hello."
Kayne watched as all the blood seemed to drain out of Micah's face as he talked on the phone. Micah walked away so Kayne couldn't hear what was being said, which made Kayne think Micah was talking to Jacen. Kayne went back to work, not wanting to eavesdrop on a conversation he wasn't part of. It took a moment for him to even realise Micah had left.
Walking out of the job site, he grabbed his water bottle from his lunch bag and headed towards his father. "Where did Micah take off to?"
"He needed to go check on Jacen."
His gut clenched, "Why would he have to go check on Jacen? Has something happened to him?"
His dad shook his head. "I honestly don't know, son. Sammy rang and said George had been ringing the house all morning, and when Sammy tried to get a hold of Jacen, there was no answer."
The water bottle dropped from Kayne's hands as he bolted for his truck. He didn't care what road laws he broke in his haste to get to Jacen. Please God, don't let him have done anything stupid, Kayne prayed over and over the whole way there. He pulled up outside of the house just as Micah was climbing out of his car.
"What are you doing here?" Micah asked.
"Same thing you are, checking on Jace. Just because the man doesn't want me doesn't mean I don't care about him."
Kayne waited impatiently for Micah to hurry his slow arse up and open the front door. Right now getting to Jacen was all that mattered.
Micah beat him to the couch and checked that Jacen was still breathing.
Kayne picked up the bottle of sleeping tablets. "I think I found out why he didn't answer the phone," Kayne said as he shook the half-full bottle. "How long has he been taking these?"
"They gave them to him at the hospital." Micah picked up the phone and tossed it to Kayne. "Doesn't help that he's switched the damn phone off."
Kayne turned the phone on and it started squawking as soon as the power kicked in. Damn, there were six missed phone calls from Sammy and more than two dozen from George. It started ringing and he answered it.
"Babe, don't hang up. I'm really sorry for what I said. I've booked a flight and will be in Queensland in a few hours to talk to you in person. I love you."
When George took a breath, Kayne spoke. "This isn't Jacen. It's Kayne. I think you need to cancel the flight. Jacen doesn't need your kind of help. He has me. I'm his family now. There's no room for you in his life anymore."
"Kayne? What are you doing there?"
Kayne snapped irritably. "I'm here for Jacen."
"How can you possibly give my baby what he needs?"
Kayne growled. "Jacen is not your baby anymore. He's mine. You lost those rights the moment you fucking used him as a punching bag."
"It was a mistake. My baby needs me."
"No he doesn't. He's doing just fine without you."
"How is having his home destroyed fine?"
Dread washed over Kayne. "How did you know what happened to his house? Did you have something to do with it?"
"Jacen told me this morning. How do you think I know?" The tone of George's voice changed and Kayne didn't like it one little bit. "Jacen and I had a long conversation. How do you think I know he was in Queensland?"
"Um, because he told you the night you and your friends decided to beat the crap out of him." Kayne's voice dripped with sarcasm. "You had your chance, and you blew it. Now I'm here and in his life. Why do you think he came home? I'll let you in on a little secret. He came home because he never stopped loving me." Kayne gave a satisfied smirk as he hung up the phone and turned it off again. It wasn't until he heard twin gasps from the couch that he realised Jacen was now awake.
He blushed. "Sorry about that, but the guy is an arsehole."
"What are you doing here?" Jacen slowly sat up, rubbing a hand across his face.
"Checking on you. I panicked when I heard George had been calling. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine, just tired. I've had a little trouble sleeping here at night. George hasn't been calling all the time. He called this morning and we talked. As far as I'm concerned, nothing has changed." Jacen tilted his head and stared at him, confusion seemed to fill his eyes, "Why are you really here, Kayne?"
"I think I'll go put the kettle on." Micah stood up. As he passed Kayne he said, "Don't hurt him or you and
I are done."
Kayne nodded. He walked over and took the spot on the couch Micah had just vacated. "I'm here because I love you. It doesn't matter if you want me or not. It isn't going to change the fact that I love you. I'm always going to worry about you." He picked up Jacen's hands and laid soft kisses on them. "Please don't push me away just because I screwed up at the hospital. I want to be a family with you. I want you to be the one who helps me raise Macen. I really want you to love me again."
"Kayne, I…I…" Jacen's words faltered as so many emotions ran over his face. "Please don't hurt me."
"Never." Kayne leant toward Jacen and was rewarded with a slow kiss.
This time he was letting Jacen set the pace.
This time he wanted Jacen to show him exactly what he needed.
Kayne cupped Jacen's face before sliding his hand around the back of his neck, holding him in place. He could get used to this. His cock ached as it filled out and pressed up against his zipper. Their kiss wasn't even broken as Jacen moved until he was straddling Kayne's lap, facing him. Kayne leant back into the couch, bringing the man in his arms with him. His hand slid up under Jacen's T-shirt, searching for bare skin to touch.
Jacen sighed into his mouth before pulling back and staring into his eyes. "Are you sure about this, Kayne? I don't want this to go any further if you plan on getting with a woman or even getting back together with Teagan. My heart couldn't take getting hurt by you again."
Reaching up, Kayne cupped his cheek, rubbing his thumb soothingly across the skin. "I'm sure. Being with you makes sense to me. It feels right."
Jacen's eyes fluttered closed. "Okay, we can give it a go. I just want you to promise me something."
"What?"
"I want you to promise me if at any stage you find you've made a mistake and you want out, you'll tell me. I won't share you, but if you want to go, I'll set you free. I don't want there to be any added drama, especially for Macen to have go through again. It isn't fair for him or me."
Kayne knew it hurt Jacen to say those things to him and he was determined he was never going to have to put his lover in the position of needing to do it.
One Last Kiss Goodbye (Hidden Hearts #2) Page 9