Hoolihan had given birth to several hundred libbit-babies. We culled out the fattest and pinkest and put those in cages to grow, at least twenty or thirty. The rest we ate.
Every other week, we went out scouting. I didn't go every time, but I went along often enough to not feel left out when I wasn't invited to join. Jason thought we might be able to move the camp within a month; he had an idea we might be safer higher up in the mountains, and everybody agreed with him.
In the evenings, we circled and danced. And we slept with each other. Loolie and Jessie and Marcie; and Jason and Danny and Billy. Frankenstein was the most tender lover I'd ever known. Loolie was the most playful of them all. I'd been wrong about her age; she was almost eleven, but so small she still looked like a baby. Sex to her was not a serious business, but a silly one, and not about penetration as much as it was about being naked and tickling.
I should have been happy. And I was. But, at the same time, I felt troubled. It bothered me.
Because I thought that I shouldn't be feeling so troubled. I should have been as joyous as everybody else, shouldn't I?
This was a place of happiness and love. Even the Chtorrans were more affectionate to me now. Once, when we were all in circle, Orrie came up behind me and gave me a friendly bump and a purr. Everybody laughed. Including me. I liked Orrie. He was a person.
Finally, there was nothing for me to do but tell Jason of my conflicts. He only said, "You're asking me for help, Jim. I don't help people. It takes away their opportunities to be responsible for themselves. This is one you have to create yourself. Let me know what you want to do." Then he sent me back to my chores.
I knew I was marking time. I was waiting for something to happen, something that would answer the question for me; and I knew that was dangerous. Jason had this to say about waiting: "There are two basic conditions in the world of the unconscious. One is waiting for Santa Claus. We're all like that when we're kids. One day we figure out that Santa Claus isn't coming, that's when we slip into the second condition: waiting for rigor mortis. Around here, we've given up waiting. We don't wait. We create. We can't afford to wait, can we?"
No, we can't.
I understood exactly. I realized that I was not the same person anymore. I was experiencing the truth of what Jason said. It wasn't that hard to create myself as an extraordinary being, not when I was surrounded by other extraordinary beings, all of whom were also committed to functioning at that level. If I forgot, there was always someone there to remind me. If they forgot, then I was there to remind them. We supported each other in staying extraordinary. We were all flushed with enthusiasm for our lives. It was an exciting and exhilarating time.
And then, one afternoon, a wave of excitement swept across the camp. "It's happened!" One of the little girls came running across the main field. "It's happened! The new god is born. We have a fourth corner!"
All over the camp, people looked up from their work. A woman crawled out from under a car, grease on her face. Two more, hanging laundry on the line, put down their baskets. Two men with rifles came running down the hill. Those of us who were working in the garden put down our hoes. Jessie, nursing her baby, came out of the women's enclosure. Marcie came out of Jason's office, a surprised look on her face. It was the first time I'd seen her smile. Already, people were moving in the direction of the nursery, a small tent that had been set up near the pool. I saw two children riding on Falstaff's back as he flowed eagerly down.
As we approached, Orrie reared up as if in challenge, but instead of issuing the shrill cry of warning, he made the most amazing whooping sound I'd ever heard a Chtorran make.
Almost everybody in the Tribe was gathering around in eager anticipation. I was acutely aware of the enthusiasm, and my own curiosity as well. There was so much about the Chtorran biology that I wanted to know. I wanted to see what a Chtorran egg looked like-or were they born live? Jason had never said.
Abruptly, the tent flap opened and Jason stepped out, carrying a tiny pink bundle. The pink bundle had two big black eyes that swiveled and stared at the world with incredulity. What kind of a place was this? it looked like it was asking.
There was awestruck silence from the crowd. Nobody dared make a sound louder than breath.
Jason had a big silly grin on his face. He was ecstatic. He held the baby out for all to see. He raised it high. The little creature was maybe half a meter long. It couldn't have weighed more than ten kilos, probably less. Its little arms reached out and grabbed Jason's big hands for security. "Awwww," said the crowd.
Jason lowered the baby back into his arms. He stroked it reassuringly and made cooing noises. He moved toward Orrie and held the baby worm out for Orrie to see. Orrie goggle-eyed the tiny creature. The baby Chtorran goggle-eyed him right back. Orrie reached out with his long arms and gently touched the tiny pink worm. The baby claws reached up and touched Orrie's bigger hand. They wrapped around his bony black wrist and pulled it down in front of the tiny eyes. The baby made a whimpery sound and reached toward Orrie. Orrie repeated his whooping cry from before, only now it was a lullabye. Jason allowed the tiny Chton-an to flow into Orrie's arms. Orrie took the baby and held it up before his eyes. He burped and chirped at it. He held the creature up high and looked at it, as if he were holding it up to the light and looking for the secret message, as if he were deciding , whether to kill it or keep it. He chose.
He raised the baby high, then brought him down onto his back, nestling him in the hollow between his eyestalks and his brainbulge. The baby grabbed huge handfuls of Orrie's skin and settled in with a loud happy purr.
Everybody cheered. We had a fourth corner. We were a family. Jason raised his hands high. "Everybody come to circle tonight. We shall revel and revelate!"
Jason turned to Jessie and gave her some quiet instructions, then turned back to Orrie. Orrie lifted the baby off his back and handed it back to Jason. Jason stepped inside the tent, and Orrie raised up and whooped for us all. We all cheered and hollered with him.
Jessie handed her baby to one of the girls and started breaking up the crowd then. When she came to me, she said, "Jim, I want you to go down to the cookhouse and bring up five pounds of fresh burger. Tell Judy to round up all the loose dogs if she has to. And do it double quick. Chop chop."
I ran.
Judy complained when I told her what we needed, until I told her that it was for the new god. Then she shut up. She turned to her refrigerator and handed me a large wrapped package. "Here's three and a half. I'll bring up the rest myself in a little bit."
When I got back to the tent, there was no one there. I hallooed and Jason's voice called softly, "Come on in, Jim. You'll find this interesting."
I entered the tent cautiously.
Inside, there was a wooden floor and a plastic tarpaulin. The new baby was on the floor and Jason was wiping it down with a towel. "Being born is hard work," he was saying to it. "Isn't it?" He didn't even glance up at me. "Put the burger behind me where I can reach it, Jim. Unwrap it."
I fumbled with the package, opened it and laid it down behind him. I didn't know if he would want anything else, so I waited. Off to one side, I noticed the pieces of a large brownish shell. So, Chtorrans came from eggs after all. That was nice to know.
Jason reached back behind him and broke off a chunk of the ground meat. He rolled it into a meatball and put it on the floor just in front of the baby. The baby's eyes widened with interest. It moved forward slowly, its tiny antennae waving in the air. It came right up to the meatball and cocked its eyes down and stared at it, not knowing what it was or what it was supposed to do with it. It lowered its antennae almost until they touched the meat. It swiveled its eyes to look at Jason, then at me, then at the meatball again. "Chrrp?"
"Go ahead, baby," encouraged Jason.
The baby tapped the meat with its antennae again.
"This is a crucial moment, Jim. If he can't recognize Terran food, he'll starve to death. We lost our first two babies because t
hey didn't know to eat."
"Could you help him? Couldn't you put it in his mouth?"
Jason shook his head. "He has to do it himself."
The baby looked up confused. I felt my heart sink. This baby meant so much to everybody. It wasn't going to eat.
The baby turned back and stared at the meat for a long, long moment. "Chrrrrppppp," it said.
Please, I prayed. Eat.
The baby opened its mouth and slowly engulfed the meatball. It chewed softly, almost ruminatively-Jason and I held our breaths-then it looked up at both of us and said, "Brup?" Jason and I exchanged triumphant looks! The baby was going to make it.
Excitedly, Jason broke off another chunk of meat and rolled it into a bigger ball. The baby watched with interest as he put it down on the floor.
This time, the baby didn't hesitate as long. It tapped the meatball twice with its antennae, just to check; then pounced on the gobbet and ate it quickly. "Brrpity?"
Jason split the rest of the meat into three lumps and put them out on the floor. The baby moved from one to the next and ate each of them with enthusiasm.
"He's going to make it," Jason said proudly. "We really are a family now. There's a lot of work to do, but we're on our way now, Jim." He looked to me. "Thank you. You've made an incredible difference, just being here. This is an historic moment, you know. You'll be sharing this with people for years." He wiped his hands on a towel, then began wiping down the baby again.
The baby grabbed one of Jason's fingers and tapped it curiously with its antennae. "Frrp?" it asked. It pulled Jason's hand toward its mouth.
Jason freed his finger gently. "No," he said. "No. Not frrp, or anything else." He said to me. "You'd better go now, Jim. There'll be a lot to do to get ready for tonight. And I need to stay here until then."
I went back to the camp feeling curiously jubilant. I made a difference. Jason said so.
There was a young fellow named Fisk
whose comings and goings were brisk.
He hid things that were stolen
inside his colon,
and said, "Hey! It's my own[1]."
21
The Revelation
"A man of God should be identifiable as a man of God in spite of his religion, not because of it."
-SOLOMON SHORT
A circle of torches obliterated the night. Orange flames sent gray smoke sputtering into the air high above our heads. The breeze pulled the flames sideways. There was no moon. There was no world. Beyond the circle, nothing existed.
We gathered outside the circle and waited.
Jason moved among us, greeting each one of us with a hug and a kiss. He spoke quietly to each person. When he came to me, he looked into my eyes and said, "Thank you, Jim. I'm glad you're here with us tonight. We love you." And then he added, "I love you."
I lowered my eyes, I couldn't meet his gaze-he was too beautiful to look at-but he tilted my chin upward and forced me to look at him. "Let it in, Jim. You are loved. You make a difference." He stared into my face until tears of joy and gratitude welled up in my eyes. I hugged him and kissed him and thanked him for letting me participate.
Jason stood before us then. He still hadn't stepped into the circle. He said, "For those of you who have not been to a Revelation before, I welcome you. For those of you who have, I welcome you back.
"All that you need to know tonight is that every Revelation is a different experience. If you have never celebrated the Revelation before, there is no wrong way to celebrate. If you have, then you also know that there is no right way to celebrate.
"The form of every Revelation is different-except when it's not. But regardless whether the form seems the same or different, comparison is a trap. Every Revelation is a different experience, no matter how many times you have celebrated. Tonight will be the same, and it will be different.
"What you see before you is a circle of light. We are going to create this as a sacred circle. What will make it sacred? Our agreement that it is so. If you are not willing to hold this circle as sacred, then do not enter it. If you are not willing to celebrate the Revelation then do not enter here. If you are not willing to commit yourself to the truth, then do not enter here. If you are not willing to experience yourself as the source, then do not enter here.
"If you are not willing to give up your expectations, then do not enter here.
"Tonight may be joyous. It may not. It may equally be despairing. Tonight may be intense. And it may not. Whatever expectations you have, leave them behind. What happens here will not meet your expectations.
"The space is fragile. And it is powerful. We, each and every one of us, must take responsibility for the creation of the space. We must leave behind our worldly concerns. We must leave behind all things that are not extraordinary. That includes the world of thoughts and concepts. We must leave those behind. Experience is not found in thought or concept. Joyousness is not found in explanation. We must leave that behind."
He raised his hands high. I became aware that Orrie and Falstaff and Orson were sitting quietly beyond the fringes of the crowd. "I will ask the new gods to protect the space tonight. I will be re5ponsible for the space inside the circle. I ask the new gods to be responsible for the space outside. Let no one violate the sanctity of our Revelation."
Orrie chirruped a low rumble. The other worms agreed with him.
Jason lowered his hands. His tone was immediately conversational. "I say this to you in the clear. No matter what happens tonight in the circle, do not leave it. Once the celebration begins, no one will enter the circle and no one will leave it. The circle is sacred. It must not be broken. The new gods do not protect us-they protect the circle. The new gods will kill anyone who crosses the circle of light. That is their agreement. It will be your 'crossesDo not break the agreement.
"If you damage the integrity of the space, you will destroy it. This space is too fragile-and it is too powerful. If you damage a space of this much power, the consequences could be dreadful. The physical universe will strike back. The physical universe always attacks where integrity is weakest. Understand this. You must not enter here unless you are willing to operate in a space of total, unconditional, absolute integrity. Look for yourself now and see if you are willing.
"When you step into this circle, let yourself step into a space of pure joyousness and absolute truth. When you step into this circle, you step beyond the universe, so that you may look back and observe. That is the declaration we make tonight.
"This circle is sacred because we say it is. So, before you can enter here, you must leave behind the ordinary. You must commit to the extraordinary. You must be willing to live tonight as if this will be your last night on the planet. It is possible for some of you that it will be your last night. People have died celebrating the Revelation.
"That willingness to live on the edge of death-that is the extraordinary level.
"If you are not willing to die, then do not enter here.
"It is neither right nor wrong to participate. It is a gift and an opportunity. If you are not willing to be responsible for yourself and your participation, then do not enter here.
"If it is not appropriate for you to be here, then do not be here. Now is the moment to stand aside." He waited. We waited. We looked around.
"There is no shame in walking away," Jason said. "Look and see inside yourself if it is appropriate for you to celebrate tonight." I wondered if I should stay.
One of the older men abruptly turned and walked away from the gathering. A moment later, a sad-looking lady followed him. They stopped a few paces and looked back.
Jason acknowledged the two with a nod, then he looked us over und said, "I know that there are those among you who are wondering now if you should leave too. I do not ask you to be certain. I only ask you to be willing. So if you are willing to be here, stay and participate." That was what I needed to hear. Jason continued, "But be clear: once you are in the circle, you are in the circle until the Revelatio
n is complete. You cannot quit in the middle of a Revelation."
I was scared, but I was willing. I would stay.
Three more people separated themselves from the crowd and pined the two who stood apart. The crowd separated so they could see Jason and he could see them. He said, "Thank you for your honesty. I respect it and I love you for your courage. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that you are not willing to celebrate. You may celebrate with us at any time in the future. Now, please go to your beds and stay there until morning. For your own safety, do not leave your rooms tonight."
They smiled regretfully and turned and walked off together. The crowd closed the gap and faced Jason again.
His voice carried across the gathering.
Jason said, "How many of you are frightened?" I raised my hand with the others.
"Thank you. How many of you are angry?" Others raised their hands.
"Thank you. How many of you are eager?" He glanced around, taking it all in. He was beautiful. "Thank you. All you need to know," he said, "is that it's all part of the process. The process can't be complete without you going through your part of it. So whatever you're experiencing now is what you're supposed to be experiencing."
He stepped to the edge of the circle. This was it.
"This circle is sacred. I am willing to experience myself as source. I declare that I am ready to enter. Is there anyone here who objects?"
No one objected. "Thank you."
He stepped out of his shoes. He unbuttoned his shirt and discarded it. "You must leave behind your identity," he said. "For the truth is, you are not what you think. You are not your name. You are not your clothes. You are not your thoughts. You are not your body. You are the experience of these things. But you are not these things. So you must leave these things behind if you are to experience anything beyond them."
A Rage for Revenge watc-3 Page 19