The Mammoth Book of Losers
Page 1
Karl Shaw has worked as a journalist, in advertising and in marketing. His books include Royal Babylon: The Alarming History of European Royalty; 5 People Who Died During Sex: and 100 Other Terribly Tasteless Lists; Curing Hiccups With Small Fires: A Delightful Miscellany of Great British Eccentrics; and 10 Ways to Recycle a Corpse.
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THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF
Losers
Karl Shaw
Constable & Robinson Ltd
55–56 Russell Square
London WC1B 4HP
www.constablerobinson.com
First published in the UK by Robinson,
an imprint of Constable & Robinson Ltd, 2014
Copyright © Karl Shaw, 2014
The right of Karl Shaw to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.
In the US, extract from the “The Lion and the Unicorn” from The Collected Essays, Journalism and Letters of George Orwell, Volume II: My Country Right or Left, 1940–1943. Copyright © 1968 Sonia Brownell Orwell and renewed by Mark Hamilton. Used by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
In the UK, “The Lion and the Unicorn” by George Orwell (Copyright © George Orwell, 1941). Reprinted by permission of Bill Hamilton as the Literary Executor of the Estate of the Late Sonia Brownell Orwell.
All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication
Data is available from the British Library
UK ISBN: 978-1-78033-830-9 (paperback)
UK ISBN: 978-1-78033-831-6 (ebook)
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
Printed and bound in the UK
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Contents
Introduction
1 How the West Was Lost: Misadventures in Exploration
Worst Attempt to Make a Name as a Great Explorer
Shortest Space Programme
Least Successful Bonding Exercise
Least Successful Hunting Party
Least Successful Attempt to Cross Australia
Least Successful Expedition by Camel
Most People Lost While Searching for a Lost Expedition
Least Successful Transatlantic Crossing by Aeroplane
Worst Attempt to Found a Colonial Empire
Least Successful Arctic Rescue Mission
Fool’s Gold
Least Observant Explorer
Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range
Most Inaccurate Discovery of a Mountain Range: Runner-Up
Least Successful Balloon Trip
Least Successful Surveyor
Most Futile Attempt to Find a Lost Tribe
Least Convincing Denial over Eating One’s Crew
Worst Survival Skills
Most Predictable Outcome of Plucky British Amateurism
Most People Lost While Looking for a Lost City
Cosmic Martyrs
Worst Attempt to Climb Mount Everest
2 Standing on the Shoulders of Midgets: Scientific Losers
Least Accurate Scientific Textbook
Least Accurate Attempt to Date the Earth
“Hard Luck” Scheele
Most Accident-Prone Astronomer
Least Successful Horoscope
Least Comprehensible Scientific Paper
The Wrong Chemistry
Most Failed Attempts to be Named in a Scientific Textbook
Least Convincing Attempt to Prove God’s Work in All Its Glory
Most Pointless Lines of Research by Someone Who Should Have Known Better
Second-Most Pointless Lines of Research by People Who Should Have Known Better
The Man Who Discovered the N-Ray
Least Successful Weatherman
The Nearly Man of Computing
The Evolutionist Who Wasn’t Darwin
Worst Science Pundit
Most Convincing Surrender to Newton’s Law of Gravity
The Forgotten Man of Forensics
Most Successful Attempt to Destroy a Reputation as a Great Scientist
Most Prolific Inventor of Things that Should Never Have Got Off the Drawing Board
3 Who Dares Loses: Business Blunders, Bankrupts and Brand Disasters
Most Flawed Get-Rich-Quick Scheme
Worst Follow-Up to a Great Idea
Best Get-Poor-Quick Scheme
Most Expensive Failure to Spot a Lemon
Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement
Least Successful Celebrity Endorsement: Runner-Up
Least Credible Economic Growth Plan
Biggest Business Boob
Least Credible Self-Improvement Guide
Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name
Worst Business Brain Behind a Global Brand Name: Runner-Up
Least Successful Trade Minister
The Real Thing
Quickest Route to Financial Suicide
Least Consumer-Friendly Product
Least Successful Branding: the Main Contenders
You’re Never Alone in a Cancer Ward
Least Convincing Tourist Campaigns
Most Expensive Typo
Most Failed Attempts to Turn a Great Idea into a Profitable Business
4 Defeat from the Jaws of Victory: Great Military Losers
Most Underachieving Invasion Force
The (War) Elephant in the Room
Bravest Attempt to Defeat an Enemy with a Tin of Biscuits
King Harold: Runner-Up at Hastings
Worst Military Decision
Least Intimidating Declaration of War
Most Underperforming Battleship
Worst Military Aircraft
Most Literal Taste of Defeat
Least Convincing Excuse for a War
Most Futile Display of Bravery
Least Successful Espionage M
ission
Worst Expeditionary Force
Unluckiest Invasion Fleet
Least Successful Tactical Withdrawal
Quickest Surrender
Most Pointless Cavalry Charge
Longest War Without Anyone Getting Hurt
Most Clueless US Commander
Most Embarrassing Friendly Fire Incident
Most Disastrous Lack of Strategy
Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure
Most Embarrassing Intelligence Failure: Runner-Up
Most Useless British General
Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex
Most Expensive Napoleonic Complex: Runner-Up
Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 1
Least Effective Attempt to Create a Good First Impression
Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 2
Least Convincing Weapon of Mass Destruction
Most Prolific Inventor of Completely Useless Military Gadgets
Most Desperate CIA Cold War Ploy: Part 3
Most Flawed Use of Pets as Anti-Tank Devices
5 From Bard to Worse: Losers in Art and Entertainment
Hot Doggerel: the World’s Worst Poet
Rubbish by Royal Appointment: Worst Poet Laureate
Worst Poetic Tribute to a Root Vegetable
The Ode Less Travelled
Least Successful Attempt to Spot a Great Writing Talent
Worst Published Author of Pulp Fiction
Least Perceptive Creator of Character with Superhuman Powers of Perception
Most Pointless Literary Hoax
Worst Published Author
Most Pointless Work of Literature
Worst Science-Fiction Writer
Most Non-PC Travel Guide
Worst Foreign Language Phrasebook
Worst Stage Actor
“Is This a Banana Skin I See Before Me?” Most Accident-Prone Show
Least Successful One-Man Show
Least Successful Opening
Least Successful Audience Participation
Least Successful Animal Act
Most Disappointing Magic Act
Worst Broadway Play
Biggest West End Flop
Least Convincing Psychic Act
Least Convincing Psychic Act: Runner-Up
Least Successful Eulogy
Least Talented Opera Singer
Most Accident-Prone Opera Singer
Least Successful Stage Introduction
Least Dignified Stage Exit
Most Self-Deluded Artist
Rags to Riches . . . to Rags
Most Embarrassing Oscar Nomination
Biggest Box-Office Bomb
Least Successful TV Show
Worst Film Director
6 Disorder in Court: Criminal Losers
Most Inept Executioner
The Defence Rests . . . in Peace
Least Accurate Sentencing by a Judge
Most Inappropriate Summing Up
Most Inept Wild West Outlaw
Least Successful Display of Impartiality by a Juror
Most Incompetent Assassin
Least Successful Courtroom Defence
Least Successful Courtroom Defence: Runner-Up
Most Accommodating Assassination Target
Least Successful Invocation of God’s Word to Avoid a Motoring Fine
Least Perceptive Prison Guards
Least Successful Prison Breakout
Most Failed Attempts to Kill a Political Leader
Most Clueless Burglar
Most Badly Planned Robbery
Most Badly Planned Robbery: Runner-Up
Least Profitable Till Raid
Least Successful Counterfeit Operation
Least Successful Unfair Dismissal Claim
7 Quacking Up: Medical Losers
The Forgotten Man of Medicine
Least Successful Amputation of a Limb
Worst Contribution to Medical Science
Least Credible ’Ology
Least Successful Attempt to Find a Cure for VD
Worst Royal Doctor
Briefest Career in Dentistry
8 Slower, Lower, Weaker: Great Sporting Losers
The Phantom of the Open
Least Successful Attempt to Play a Water Hazard
Most Expensive Caddie Error
Worst Choke in Open Golf
Worst Golf Jinx
Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Title Fight
Unluckiest Boxer
Most Controversial Boxing Defeat
Least Successful Professional Boxer
Most Successful Attempt to Shorten a Test Career
Most Easily Dismissed Batsman
Worst Bowling Figures
Most Boring Batsman
Worst Loss of an Unassailable Lead
Slowest Racehorse
Least Successful Race Fix
Least Successful Horse Race
Worst Jockey
Least Successful Racehorse Owner/Breeder
Least Successful Investment in a Racehorse
Worst Tennis Player
Least Successful Interpretation of “Non-Contact Sport”
Slowest Out of the Blocks
Chariots of Dire: Worst Olympic Marathons
Longest Time Taken to Complete an Olympic Marathon
Worst Olympic Team Performance
Worst Olympic Track-and-Field Team
Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity
Least Harmonious Display of Sporting Unity: Runner-Up
Most Generous Use of the Term “Sprinter”
Worst Professional Football Team
Least Successful Attempt to Treat an Injured Player
Worst Goalkeeping Début
Most Embarrassing Tournament Exit
We’re Kicking Which Way?
Least Successful Attempt to Organize a Fixture List
Most Sensitive Referee
Five Most Pathetic Excuses for Losing a Game of Football
Worst Losing Streak as a Football Manager
Most Expensive Own Goal
Least Successful Attempt at Keeping Discipline
Least Successful Impact Substitution
Sore Losers: Football’s Top Five
Worst Bullfighter
Briefest International Rugby Career
Worst Sailor
Worst Chess Player
Worst Wrestler
When Fighting Nicknames Go Bad
Least Successful Medal Ceremony
Worst Olympic Swimmer
Least Successful Channel Swimmers
Where Eagles Daren’t
Ten Gambling Losers
Ten Most Creative Excuses for Failing a Dope Test
9 Close, but No Cigar: a Litany of Losers
Most Failed Election Candidate
Least Perceptive Electorate
Least Successful Diplomatic Mission
Worst Inaugural Speech
Least Successful Prediction of an Election Outcome
Least Successful Election Campaign
Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President
Least Dignified Exit from Office by a French President: Runner-Up
Most Creative Excuse for Losing an Election
Shortest Time in Office
Dead as a “Didus Ineptus”
Least Convincing Display of Supernatural Powers
Least Successful Declaration of Independence
Least Successful Cult
Briefest Career as a Deity
Least Successful Attempt to Spot a News Scoop
Worst Call by an Academic Expert
Least Successful Missionary
Strangest Losing Bet
Least Successful Picnic
Least Successful Reward Claim
Egrets, I’ve Had a Few: Shortest Career as a Celebrity Chef
The End of the World Isn’t Nigh: Ten Failed Apocalyptic Predictions
Appendix I
:
Harry Stephen Keeler Bibliography
Appendix II:
Selected Poems of Amanda McKittrick Ros
Appendix III:
Selected Poems of William Topaz McGonagall
Appendix IV:
Extract from The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis
Further Reading
Introduction
In 1682, the French explorer Robert Cavalier La Salle travelled the length of the Mississippi almost entirely by foot all the way to the Gulf of Mexico; he then returned to France a hero, claiming the entire valley for King Louis XIV.
La Salle’s discovery was a fluke he couldn’t repeat. Two years later, he sailed from France with 280 men, women and children, plus 200 soldiers and sailors, having promised the king that he would establish a colony that would rival the New World riches of Spain. Only this time, when he went back to find the Mississippi, he landed by mistake on the Texas coast – 500 miles west of his intended destination. He and his party tramped thousands of miles on foot looking for the river, hopelessly lost, meanwhile dying of thirst and attacks by marauding Indians.
La Salle eventually found his way back to his ship, then sailed for Canada, only to get lost again, this time finding himself back in the Gulf of Mexico, then ran his ship aground on a sandbar. He tried to find the Mississippi again on foot but, by this time, his crew – down to 36 from the original 480 – had had enough. They terminated La Salle’s career as an explorer with a bullet to his head, stripped him of his clothing and left him to die where he fell, somewhere in Texas.
History may be written by the winners, but if you manage to lose in a spectacular or consistent fashion, there’s a good chance you will be remembered, too. Without losers, we wouldn’t have winners. The conquest of Everest wouldn’t have been glorious if someone had skipped to the summit at the first attempt; it was the horribly failed expeditions that came before it that made it special. Many must seek the goal and blow it before the achievement can be called truly heroic.
When it comes down to it, we aren’t even too fussed about the actual winning; the important thing is to go down fighting. So the death of Captain Scott, who lost not only the race to the South Pole but also failed to get himself and his team back alive, becomes a brave battle of the underdog against the odds. Why do it efficiently and take huskies like Roald Amundsen did when you can take ponies who will drop dead before you do? The important thing is that, in losing, Scott captured the public imagination. As Jonathan Miller’s squadron leader character put it in Beyond the Fringe: “I want you to lay down your life, Perkins . . . we need a futile gesture at this stage. It will raise the whole tone of the war.”
This book is about those who came close to the pinnacle of their chosen field without quite getting there. The very best, if you will, of the not very good. They are writers who believed in the power of words but spent their entire careers unable to find the right ones; artists and performers who indulged their creative impulse with a passion, if not a sense of the ridiculous, an eye for perspective or the ability to hold down a tune; people who set benchmarks for greatness then failed to follow up; experts who got it spectacularly wrong (take a bow, Lord Kelvin); scientists who had flashes of brilliance only to have them marooned in a vast sea of mediocrity, and others who got painfully close or were just robbed; businessmen who never quite knew when to quit while they were ahead; sportsmen who came close to winning, only for victory to be cruelly snatched away, winning the hearts of the nation along the way for trying very hard, despite being a bit crap.