by Paris Rose
***
I somehow made it through the festival without any more snafus. I literally had to disassociate from the part of myself that was having personal issues in order to get through the weekend. I somehow accessed an invincible piece of myself that I sometimes forgot was there until I needed her. I powered through the event, and, according to my crew, I was funny, charismatic, and engaging on air. I was proud of myself for a job well done, but the high of broadcasting live quickly dissipated when I realized that Christoff would be home in less than twenty-four hours. I should have been excited, but a visceral piece of me was dreading his return. We hadn’t talked much at all during the three weeks that he was gone, and, when we did talk, it was always a very brief and mechanical conversation. I felt so detached from him. I was hungry for the connection that we once had, but after everything that had happened, I wasn’t sure if we could ever rekindle it. In fact, I wasn’t sure if I could even look him in the eye.
I was relieved that today I was going to be able to spend some quality time with Amber. She always made life better. We had been friends through so many relationships. Actually, she’s held my hand through countless breakups with several different men. When we were younger, her personal life was almost as rocky as mine, but her relationship with Peyton had been going pretty strong. They’d been dating for over three years, and she seemed pretty happy, but I was curious what was going on. When we talked on the phone yesterday, she said she wanted to pick my brain about relationship stuff. I wasn’t sure if I was qualified to give any relationship advice, but I wanted to be there for her the way she had been there for me all these years, through my laundry list of breakups. I was so happy that Amber was finally back in the US after winding down her biggest world tour yet. She had a few days off before the final West Coast shows, so she was back home. We agreed to meet for sushi at a place near her in Studio City.
When I arrived, Amber was already there waiting for me. Her golden-blond ringlets were pulled up into a high cascading ponytail. She was wearing a beautiful peach ruffled sundress. She always looked so beautiful and feminine. I only wished that I could look so charming. I had on red skinny jeans, black kitten heels, and a black scoop-neck shirt. I was glad that I had taken the time to put some curls in my layers before leaving the house. Everyone at the sushi bar looked almost as impeccable as Amber. Even though I was no stranger to L.A., at times I still found myself intimidated by the pressure to always look great. I thought that I would finally be accustomed to it by now. I wasn’t quite as insecure as when I first moved out here, but lately I was pretty self-conscious every time I went out. I felt like I should be wearing a scarlet letter. To make matters worse, Southern California, especially Studio City, was a constant spectator show of who dressed the best, who was the most fit, and who was the most popular. Even though the atmosphere still made me uneasy at times, L.A. was still one of my favorite cities in the world.
“Hey, Gia! So good to see you live and in person. It’s been far too long.” Amber stood and pulled me into a warm embrace. I squeezed her back.
“Yeah, I know… Miss World Tour! I’m so proud of you. You never cease to amaze me. How many shows have you done?”
“Seventy-five shows down and twelve to go! Most are sold out shows.”
“That’s stellar!” I raised my hand and gave Amber a high five.
“How has life been for you?” Amber smiled. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up with you lately. How’s Christoff?”
“Ugh. You haven’t missed much.” I sighed. “Well, actually, you missed a lot, but it’s nothing that I’m excited to share.”
“Oh, what’s up? Is everything okay?”
“We’re on a break while he is working on the album. He has been away at his cabin in Germany writing. And I have been here in L.A. working. I was starting to get really jealous and possessive. I knew it would drive him away, but I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t handle the attention he was getting from all his fans and from other women in the industry, so I was constantly picking fights with him and clinging to him. Then he started to get more distant and put his work before me. Now I kind of feel like we’re strangers. I love him deeply and dearly, and I know he loves me, but things are not great right now. And I—I—” I almost wanted to tell Amber about my moment of weakness with Axel, but I couldn’t speak the words out loud. Even though I knew Amber had unconditional love for me, I really cared about her opinion of me, and I was afraid that if I told her what happened, she would think less of me. I definitely thought less of myself. In that moment, I decided to bury my secret and never speak of it or think of it again if I could help it.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but I would give anything to make it better.”
“Aw, Gia, I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t perfect, but I know everything will work out as it’s supposed to. This is the best relationship I’ve seen you in. I’m certain things will work out. You and Christoff are like best friends. In the beginning, I didn’t approve of you dating rock stars, but Christoff seems like a good guy… well, as good as a guy in the industry can be. I don’t think it’s possible to have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone in the business, no matter how hard you try.”
“I hate to admit it, but I totally agree. But why would you say that you’ve been with Peyton for three years? You’re in the industry, and he’s in the industry. And you two have somehow found a way to make it work.”
“I haven’t talked about this to anyone yet.” Amber shifted in her seat and let out a deep sigh. “I haven’t been able to because I’ve been so busy with the tour, so I’ve just been stewing in my own resentment.”
“Oh, Amber, you could have called me on Skype. What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Peyton hooked up with another girl while I was overseas on tour.”
I stifled a gasp. “No.”
“They didn’t have sex, but they made out. It was a nineteen-year-old pop artist whose album he’s producing. He swore it didn’t mean anything. He said he was drunk at a party, and she was really stroking his ego. She came on to him, and temptation just got the best of him. He said I’m the only woman he could ever love and actually be with. He said the hookup with—I don’t even want to say her name. The hookup with the little nineteen-year-old was a mistake that happened because she found his weakness. He just wanted to be admired, and that young girl gave that to him, and one thing led to another. I guess since we had been together so long, I had been lazy in the relationship, and didn’t let him know how much I appreciated him. He’s my long-term boyfriend, so I guess I kind of forgot how to flirt with him and make him feel wanted. Even though I know part of this was my fault, I’m so angry at him.”
“It’s not your fault, Amber. Don’t blame yourself. If he wasn’t feeling appreciated, he should have come to you and talked to you about it.”
“He probably wanted to, but I was pretty unavailable during the tour.” As Amber spoke, I realized how similar her situation was to mine, though we were on the opposite sides of the problem. I wondered why stories of unfaithfulness were following me everywhere I went. I realized that I should take my own advice. When I felt unappreciated, I should have tried to talk to Christoff instead of hooking up with Axel behind his back. But everything had happened so fast, and Axel had been giving me what I needed in the moment. I knew what I had done was wrong, and the same went for Peyton’s actions, but I understood more than anyone how a slipup like that could happen.
“Are you going to forgive him?” I placed my hand on top of Amber’s to offer my support.
“I want to, but I don’t know if I can. I told him I needed some time to think. I haven’t talked to him in five days. Even though he said he was sorry, I hate him for what he did.”
“Oh, Amber, I know it hurts, but sometimes these things happen. I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Don’t hate him for it. He was just being human.”
Amber snatched her hand away from
me and cut me a glare that turned my stomach. “I can’t believe you are taking his side, Gia! Since when did you start empathizing with unfaithful men? I thought you were better than that.” Amber’s voice was shrill. Her words hit hard. I felt like she was judging me.
“Don’t take your anger towards Peyton out on me. I’m just trying to get you to see both sides. People in relationships have needs, and if those needs aren’t being met, sometimes they can’t resist the temptation to go elsewhere. If that temptation is thrust upon them in a moment of weakness, it’s hard to be strong. That’s all I’m saying. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t judge me for trying to give you some perspective.”
“I don’t know what happened to you while I was gone, but your perspective is clearly warped. I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore. It’s just upsetting me.” We sat in silence for several minutes and just stared at our menus.
“Amber, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just felt like you were judging me,” I said quietly.
“I feel like you’re judging me, too. You clearly think I was a bad girlfriend to Peyton.”
“No, I don’t think that at all, but I know what he’s going through being in a relationship with someone whose main priority is their music. That is no excuse to cheat, but I’m just saying that I know how it can happen. Amber, you are amazing, and Peyton is lucky to have you. I’m not going to give any more of my opinion on the matter, because I don’t want to upset you. I know that you’ll make the right decision. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.”
Amber’s scowl softened. After a few moments of silence, she spoke.
“Thanks, Gia. You know that no matter what happens in my life, and even if I lose my temper with you sometimes, I’ll always love you. You’re the best best friend I ever had.”
“I love you too, Amber. No matter what happens we’ll always have each other.”
I reached over and pulled Amber into a long embrace. I didn’t know if I could ever tell her about my indiscretion, but I was so grateful to have her as my rock and to be hers as well during the choppy times of our relationships with our men. For the rest of our time together, we didn’t talk about our relationships, we just reminisced on the good times we’d had together and the exciting times ahead in our careers.
***
It was the day that I had been anticipating and dreading at the same time. Christoff was due back home in just an hour. I just wanted to get back into the routine of normal life with him and forget about all of the problems that we were having before. And I definitely wanted to let go of what happened with Axel. I was so overcome with guilt, I didn’t know what to do with myself. The sound of the kitchen door opening startled me. Christoff was early.
“Gia, I’m home,” Christoff called out. I raced downstairs and jumped into his arms. Even though I felt like my world was upside down, being in his arms brought me peace.
“Welcome home, Christoff.” I buried my face in his chest.
“It’s good to be back, Gia. Change into your bikini and let’s relax in the hot tub. We need to talk, and I have some champagne waiting for you out there.”
After we changed into our bathing suits, Christoff and I walked out to the back deck in silence. I watched as rivets of water danced across Christoff’s perfectly chiseled abs as he slipped beneath the pulsing jets. I slid in and sat across from him. The heat of the water felt good against the cool evening breeze. Christoff looked over at me. There was an intensity in his gaze.
“I don’t like to drag things out, so I’ll get right to the point,” Christoff said quietly.
I shifted my weight in anticipation.
“Gia, after being away from you for so long, I realized that I can’t stand being without you. I want to apologize for losing my patience with you the day that I left. And I want to own up to what a dick I was for not staying in better contact with you while I was gone. I’m sorry, and I hope that you can forgive me. I’ve had some time to think, and I’m ready to move past all the issues we’ve been having lately and really make this work. Before we got together, you were honest enough with me to express your reservations about being in a relationship. I really appreciated how you allowed yourself to be vulnerable with me and how you were honest with yourself and with me about the emotional challenges that you may have. I promised you that I would hold your hand through everything you’re going through, so I wanted to step up and do that. I feel honored to be your man, Gia. All I ask is that you do your best to trust me and that you just allow me to provide a good life and make you happy. Does that sound reasonable?”
My heart sank. Christoff was so patient and emotionally mature. I had never been loved like this before. After what happened with Axel, I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I thought about coming clean, but it just didn’t feel like the right time. I opened my mouth to speak, not sure of what would come out.
“Christoff, thank you for loving me the way that you do. I have never met a man quite like you before. Yes, I will do my best to trust you and allow you to provide for me. Please forgive me for the way I’ve been acting lately. I want you to know it’s not you. It’s things I’m dealing with inside of me that have nothing to do with you. It is challenging being with someone who is in the public eye, but I knew that’s what I was signing up for from the beginning. I can’t guarantee I’ll be perfect, but, moving forward, I will do the best I can to be better and to be good to you.”
“I don’t expect you to be perfect, Gia. I love you exactly as you are. You’re so self-aware, and you’re so good at expressing your feelings. And I really like how you’re always working hard to be better. I love you so much, Gia.”
“I love you too, Christoff.” He leaned in and kissed me passionately and deeply. My heart skipped a beat.
“Let’s drink to that.” Christoff reached behind him and grabbed a bottle of champagne from a bucket of ice. He poured a glass and handed it to me before pouring one for himself. He held up his glass. “To a bright future together.”
“Yes, to us!” We toasted, and he brought his glass to my lips, and I brought mine to his. We stared into each other’s eyes as we took slow, sensual sips. I felt buzzed immediately. I decided to bury my secret and just focus on rebuilding the connection with Christoff that night.
Chapter 8
I woke up to the sensation of Christoff kissing my neck and running his fingers through my hair. The weight of his body and the warmth of his mouth felt oppressive. I was sick with guilt over the secret I was carrying, and his affection for me just intensified the pit in my stomach. I wriggled beneath him as I continued coming out of a deep sleep.
“Mmm… not now, Christoff,” I murmured. He continued kissing me sweetly all over my face. His affection was overwhelming me. “Stop, Christoff! Get off,” I shrieked as I pushed him off of me.
Christoff looked at me for several moments without speaking. I turned away. I was unable to face him.
“Hey! What the hell is going on with you, Gia?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react like that. I’m still just going through some… some issues,” I said more to the pillow than to Christoff.
“I’m trying to understand, but you’ve never reacted to me like that before. I don’t get it. Is there something I’m missing here? Is it me?”
I rolled over on my back, then pulled myself into a sitting position before speaking.
“No, Christoff, it’s not you.” I nibbled nervously on my bottom lip. My stomach was in knots. “It’s me. It’s something I did.” I swallowed the growing lump in my throat. “There is something I need to tell you.”
“Yes, please tell me. I want to be there for you, but you’re not making it easy. I don’t mean to be a dick, but I’m really on the brink of losing my patience with you.” Christoff exhaled and ran his fingers through his hair. “Now, please fill me in on what the problem is.” He placed his hand on my knee and looked into my eyes. My heart sank as I felt the adoration in his gaze. I hated myself fo
r what I had done to him.
“I-I-uh did something I regret.” My breath caught in my throat. I didn’t know how to tell him, but I knew I needed to face my misdeeds and be honest with him. “I made a mistake and hooked up with Axel while you were overseas.” The words spewed out of me like projectile vomit.
Christoff just stared at me without saying a word. His face hardened. I averted my eyes.
“Look at me, Gia, look at me.” I did as I was told. “There is no way you are serious, right? This has to be some sick joke,” Christoff spat.
“I’m sorry, Christoff. It was when we were on a break. I swear it didn’t mean anything.”
Christoff glared at me for several beats. His silence and the glassy expression on his face made me uneasy. I’d never seen him look at me that way before. It was as if someone else had inhabited Christoff’s body. The energy he was giving off didn’t feel like him. The tension between us made me want to crawl under the covers and hide. I just wanted him to say something, anything.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I caressed his face. I expected him to pull back, but he didn’t.
“Why, Gia? Why would you do that to me… to us?” The sharpness in Christoff’s tone cut like a knife.
“It was a mistake. You had been so distant and I felt so alone… and it just kind of happened.”
“I don’t understand you, Gia. You drove yourself crazy worrying about whether I was going to be unfaithful. So much so that you agreed that we needed a break. Then the moment I put some space between us, that heaven knows both you and I needed, you run off and hook up with my bandmate? I don’t get it. To be honest, I actually find it disgusting.” Christoff’s face contorted.
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Christoff’s bluntness made me feel ashamed of myself.
“Christoff, I know I should have been better.” I caressed his cheek. “I’m so sorry, please forgive me.” I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled against him. I needed to be close to him. I wanted to feel connected again. His muscles tensed as I continued to shower him with affection. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t think any less of me. I love you and only you. You know that, right?” I kissed him softly on the neck, and I felt him let out a ragged breath. I ran my fingers through his hair as I nibbled on his ear “I want you to know that I’m all yours and yours alone. I mean that.” I kissed him on the cheek. I needed him to hold me and kiss me back. I was so hungry for his forgiveness, I could taste it.