His body shook with laughter. “Your bra was sexy enough, trust me.”
I gave him the look that said I was done joking and punched his shoulder. “You still should have told me.”
Jensen moved in close and apologized. He didn’t mean it.
“Well, I hope you had a good birthday, then.” I turned to climb the stairs, taking two at a time.
“Best one yet,” he called out to my back. I could only smile and shake my head with a sigh. “You’re not mad, right?”
I turned slowly, narrowing my eyes to make him sweat it a little, until I finally shrugged. “I can’t be mad. I guess I haven’t exactly told you everything either.”
Then I went back on my way. Next thing I knew, he was calling my name in a faux whisper and yanking my arm to get me to stop.
“What haven’t you told me?” His normally kind, gentle eyes had anger in them.
“Nothing, I was just kidding.”
“No, you weren’t.” He searched my face like he thought he’d see the answer there if he looked hard enough.
“It’s nothing.” I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone could hear us. “We’ll talk later.”
“We’ll talk now.”
He pulled me the rest of the way up to hide us away in my room. He backed me into the wall with his palms flat beside me. I thought about finding someone who could build me a time machine so I could go back and unsay that stupid little comment. I don’t know what I was thinking. We hadn’t talked about the more intimate nature of our lives before we met and I never intended to, not after Aric’s comments about Jensen’s experience.
“How do I ask this appropriately?” He sighed. “Have you ever done what we almost did last night?”
“No.” I looked away, fidgeting with my fingers, even though he completely surrounded me. Jensen closed his eyes, then put his lips to my forehead.
“You should’ve told me. That could’ve been bad.”
“How so?” I plopped onto my bed and he followed suit.
“The first time shouldn’t be on the floor of some abandoned building.”
“Hey, I love that abandoned building.”
“But now I know.” I felt his eyes on my face, covering every feature to the point that I couldn’t take not looking at him. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“We never talked about it.”
“Why didn’t we?” His hand found mine.
“I didn’t want to.” He gave me the face that said he was looking for more. I rolled my eyes. “After everything Aric said…I didn’t want to hear it and I didn’t want my virginity to freak you out.”
Jensen burst into laughter. “Freak me out? Please, you’re not the first virgin I’ve ever met.” I tensed, sitting with my back even straighter. “That’s not what I meant,” he added quickly. “I just meant, I wouldn’t have cared. I don’t care.”
“Just to be clear,” I didn’t want him to get the wrong impression, “it doesn’t matter to me…I mean about you, before. I just didn’t want something built up in my head to make me self-conscious if we got to that point.” He nodded and I could tell he was uncomfortable with where the conversation could lead. I playfully punched his shoulder. “I’m not asking you to tell me anything. I just wanted you to know what that was all about. I don’t want to be compared to girls who actually knew what they were doing.”
“As if they could compare to you. Alyssum, I’d tell you everything if that’s what you wanted. It isn’t that.” My eyebrow raise said ‘then what.’ “Nobody else really mattered to me, is all. I’ve had sex with them. I’m in love with you. Those weren’t just words.”
Pulling him by the back of the neck, I gave him a kiss that was sure to make him know they weren’t just words to me either.
Once I pulled away, a little breathless, I asked, “What did you and my dad talk about?”
“Later,” he whispered, looking me over before adding, “We have to get going.”
Jensen left my room to go get ready and I did the same. On my way downstairs, Dahlia stopped me, wanting to chat. I didn’t have time for that and I promised I’d text her later. I only got down a couple of more steps before Mom called me back up. It wasn’t anything important, but by the time I got to the foyer where the guys were supposed to meet, they were already gone.
I got the feeling Dahlia and Mom holding me up was orchestrated to keep me from going. This did not make me happy.
Chapter Twenty
I spent a couple of hours outside in the garden, calming down after everyone left me. There were a lot of things that had the potential to piss me off, but just leaving me behind was so completely at the top, I couldn’t remember all the other things on the list.
As I entered the house from the back, I heard some yelling and shuffling in the foyer. If that was Aric and Jensen, they were getting a piece of my pissed off mind. I found out quickly that it wasn’t them. The scene I encountered overwhelmed every one of my senses. I couldn’t take it all in at once and had to look at one thing at a time. The bitter taste of acid rose in my throat as what I was seeing started to sink in.
I ran to the crumpled mess of fabric and oddly bent body parts in the entryway, my nostrils flaring and bottom lip starting to quiver. My body understood what was happening before my brain did. I felt the sticky warmth that covered her body as her blood soaked my hands. My hair fell in my face. I quickly put my hair back behind my ear and felt myself leaving a trail of blood across my cheek.
“Mom!” I started to cry, tears falling like a river down my cheeks. “Mom, please, hang on.”
I pulled her body closer to mine. When I did, her head fell back in an unnatural way that should have told me she was already gone. Still, I wasn’t about to give up on her, not my mother, the one person who gave me a childhood.
I started tearing at her clothes to find the source of all the blood, as if finding it meant I could make it better, that I could save my mother, but there was just too much. I ran out of energy. My body deflated. I dropped my head in my hands after I put her back down. Because my hands were covered in red sticky blood, my hair stuck to them. I had no control over my movements, no prior thought in my head when I curled over her like I used to when I was little and had a bad dream. I heard hysterical sounds bouncing off every corner and it didn’t occur to me, until later, that I was the one making those noises.
A set of strong hands pulled me up. I refused to let go, so my mother came with me. “Alyssum,” Aric said. His voice sounded pained. “Alyssum, come on, let go.”
He pried my fingers open to release her and she hit her head, hard, on the hard floor. Not that it mattered, but it made me cry even harder. He wrapped his arms around me and carried me to my room, ignoring how hard I kicked and struggled. My heels battered his shins over and over. He didn’t flinch. I couldn’t see anything through my blur of tears. I recognized shapes and colors inside my room when he threw the door open.
He tossed me, gently, onto the bed. The familiar feel made it worse. I should’ve been down there; I should have somehow figured out that something like that would happen and stop it. Any energy I’d had was already gone when I collapsed against Aric’s chest.
He stayed with me. I don’t know how much time passed. He stayed with me the whole time, letting me soak his shirt with my sadness and my mother’s blood. Even though I didn’t fall asleep, my eyes closed because I just didn’t have it in me to keep them open any longer.
The door opened. Heavy footsteps came to the side of my bed and a gentle voice spoke barely above a whisper. I realized it was Jensen right away. I memorized his voice the day I met him. “How is she?” I felt Aric shrug in response. “What the hell happened down there?”
“I don’t know,” Aric replied, just as quietly as Jensen. “I’ve been up here with her. Didn’t want to leave her alone.”
“Right,” Jensen said. Aric held me up. When he stood up, he was replaced with Jensen. Given how much of a mess I must have been, I shouldn
’t have been so relieved that he was close to me. My body relaxed almost completely when Jensen lowered it beside him.
I rested my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me, gently caressing my fingers. He stopped when he felt the dried blood and took my hand in his. He must have seen blood on my hand because a sound of concern got caught in the back of his throat. He pulled back to get a good look at me.
“Is…is any of this yours?”
I opened my eyes and saw him for the first time since he came in the room. He must have seen something bad in my eyes because his entire face fell, basically dropping off all together. Sadness, despair and general horrific pain was what he saw; it’s what I felt. I shook my head. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t the one lying dead on the pale ceramic tile that I spent hours picking out so that my husband and daughter had a beautiful place to live. That was her.
“I’m gonna get you cleaned up, okay?”
Jensen handled me like I was a newborn baby. He even carried me to the bathroom. He sat me on the edge of the bath tub and tried to use a wet cloth to wash my mother’s remnants from my face and hands, glancing at my face as he went, like he was watching a time bomb. It wasn’t coming off. The blood had dried like cement in my hair.
“This isn’t going to work,” Jensen said. “Would you rather take a bath or a shower?”
I didn’t answer right away. A bath might have been too tempting, too easy to get lost in the depths of the water.
“Shower,” I muttered. The voice didn’t belong to me. It came out incredibly hoarse and dry. Jensen turned the spout and the room filled with steam. He pulled my shirt over my head and told me to stand to remove my shorts. He tossed my underwear and bra in a pile with the rest before helping me into the shower.
The hot water felt so good that I wished it was even hotter, enough to burn the flesh off my bones. I must have given Aric all my tears because I didn’t have any more left. I slid down the wall of the shower stall and wrapped my arms around my knees, dropping my head on top. I could hear Aric and Jensen in the bedroom but couldn’t make out what they were saying.
Then Jensen was back. When he stepped into the shower, I looked up to find him still fully dressed, minus his shoes and socks. His white t-shirt got soaked right away and his jeans started to get speckled, turning a deep indigo. With the softest hands, he washed me off and used far too much shampoo to get the blood out of my hair. He made sure it was completely gone from my hands, face and legs before wrapping a large towel around me.
Back in the bedroom, I watched him dry off at superhuman speed and put on some dry clothes, an outfit almost identical to the one he’d just shed. For a moment, I wondered how his clothes got in my room and assumed Jensen must have asked Aric to grab his clothes. I dressed myself in a comfortable pair of shorts and a t-shirt that Jensen had picked out, though he had to help fasten the clean bra he’d grabbed. I moved to my bed and slid under the heavy blanket with the man I love tightly beside me.
He kissed my temple. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve been here.”
I shook my head. “You had to go.”
“I just wish you hadn’t seen all of that.”
“Me too. Thanks.” I sat up, pretzeling my legs underneath me.
“For?” He looked confused. I nudged my head toward the shower. His face fell even more. “Well, I have always wanted to get you in the shower with me.” He gave me a half-hearted smile, but that was the Jensen I’d grown to know and love.
I wanted to laugh yet could only muster up a lame, half-hearted chuckle. I knew I had to ask. “Does my dad know?”
He nodded. “He must. I could only think about you. I ran up here so fast that I really don’t know.”
The door opened. Aric peeked his head through, then came in with a tray full of pop, water, and a few snacks. He sat the tray of the foot of my bed and climbed on beside it.
“I know it’s a stupid question, but how are you doing?” His brows were knit together with concern.
“A little better now that I’m cleaned up.” I leaned over and put my hand on his. “Thank you for staying with me.” I looked at his fresh shirt. “Sorry about your shirt.”
“Please, that thing was ugly anyway.” Aric grabbed a bottle of water and tossed it at me. “Drink it.”
I took a big gulp and it was so cold that it almost burned going down. My throat was completely dry. “My dad? He’s back, right?”
I looked at the clock and was shocked that it’d already been eight hours since I found my mother. It was almost ten.
“Yeah,” Aric answered.
“And?”
“What do you think, Alyssum?” His voice wasn’t harsh. It was sad. “He kicked into official mode to get the…cleaned up. Some people came for the…”
“Body,” I said sadly.
“Then he shut himself in his office and I’m not sure anyone’s heard from him since.” Aric played with his bottle a minute. “He asked about you first, though. I told him Jensen was with you. He seemed relieved.”
At their insistence, I tried to choke down a bite of the sandwich he’d made. The harder I tried, the sicker I felt. In the end, I spat it back onto the tray. “I think I’m gonna lay down for a bit.”
“Good idea,” Aric said, rolling off the bed. “I’ll leave this over here.” He put the drinks on the table by the window. “If you need anything, call my cell, send a smoke signal, whatever. Got it?” I nodded as he wrapped me into a bear hug, kissed the top of my head and quietly left my room.
“Don’t leave me tonight, okay?” I murmured, sliding further down the mattress.
“Hadn’t planned on it,” Jensen replied. He pulled the blankets back and climbed in beside me.
“Yeah, you can’t sleep next to me in jeans. I hate the feeling.”
“I’ll go get some pajamas.”
“Sorry,” I gave what I thought would be a big smile but my cheeks barely moved. “You can’t leave me.”
He thought for a minute before stripping off his shirt, jeans and socks to climb next to me in just his underwear. His body heat cocooned me, warmed, melted and grounded me enough that I actually fell asleep.
Waking to him beside me, bathed in the white light of the moon, made me feel safer than anything could have at that moment. I moved up so that our faces were close enough to feel his breath on my mouth and kissed him. I know how ridiculous it was to kiss a sleeping man, but I couldn’t help it and it was a nothing of a kiss. Suddenly his hand was on the back of my head, pulling me harder to him.
“Can’t sleep?” His lips barely moved when he spoke.
“I have been. A little.” Then I kissed him again, opened my mouth to invite him in. He pulled back, taking me in with those sparkling blues. He tucked me in tighter.
***
I woke up again, this time early, with Jensen’s limbs completely woven with mine. Trying not to wake him, I pulled each one of mine out as if playing a game of Jenga. It didn’t matter, though. His arm tightened around my waist and I groaned.
“I really have to get up.” He grunted, not letting me go. “I have to find my father. There are things…”
The strong arm keeping me prisoner relented so I could get up. At some point in the night, I’d put his t-shirt on and didn’t remember doing it. I had a vague recollection of wanting to feel closer to him even though he was right there beside me. Why I’d take off my pajamas to wear just his shirt, I had no idea. It hung just above my knees like a dress, held his smell and felt really comfortable.
“That’s a really good look for you,” he murmured into the pillow. I glanced back, knowing my face reminded him of everything else that’d already happened and was about to. He got a smile out of me and, even with everything that happened, I couldn’t believe he was lying in my bed on his back with one hand under his head and the other on his stomach, looking the way he looks when he wakes up.
I started rummaging through the drawers to find something appropriate for the day. “I can’t believe
my dad hasn’t come up.”
“He did.” Jensen pushed up onto his elbows before sitting up completely with his back against the headboard. “He came in three times through the night, but you were asleep.”
“Really?” Maybe he did remember he had a daughter, although I was fairly certain I wouldn’t have cared either way and would’ve forgiven him due to his grief. “Did he say anything about you being in here?”
He nodded.
“Come here.” He pat his shoulder to get me back on the bed, which is where I wanted to be anyway. I snuggled next to him. “He asked if I was staying the night in here. I told him I was and he nodded.” Jensen paused and kissed the top of my head. “He asked how you were doing because the second time he came in you were kind of…restless.” He put a finger under my chin and pulled my face up to get a closer look. “How are you?”
“Numb, I think. I don’t really know.” He waited for me to continue. “I know I’m thankful that you’re here, that Aric came in when he did.”
“Me too. I wish I’d been here. I shouldn’t have gone with your dad.”
“Where were you two?”
He sat up straighter. “When we were coming back from Phoenix—we didn’t get Aric’s brother, by the way—we saw someone run out the front door. It was weird. Ash and I took off after him. I didn’t realize Aric went inside the house until later. It didn’t occur to me that someone might have…”
“I’ll need to talk to Aric this morning.” He nodded. “Alone.”
“Whatever you need, Alyssum. I love you so much.” His arms tightened even more around me and for the first time since we’d said those words not that long ago, I couldn’t say anything back. My throat and emotions were too raw from all the crying and what had happened the day before.
I didn’t mean to fall back to sleep. I really didn’t have time for it, but Jensen was there and I felt safe and warm. It couldn’t be helped.
Chapter Twenty-One
Grounded (Grounded #1) Page 14