by Jean Ure
“Sorry, can’t,” said Sean. “Just going to grab something to eat then set off.”
I sighed. Everybody always coming and going! And where was Mum?
“Did you specially want her?” said Sean, as we all trooped down to the basement in search of food.
“Not particularly,” I said. I had, but it was a bit late now. “Thing is it’s going to be dark soon and I don’t know how Caitlyn’s supposed to get home.”
“It’s all right,” whispered Caitlyn. “I can take the bus.”
Crossly I said, “No, you can’t! You didn’t let me come home by myself.”
“Where do you live?” said Sean.
“She lives just near school,” I said. “Coopers Field.”
I watched carefully for any reaction, but Sean isn’t like Mum. It doesn’t bother him where people live.
“No problem,” he said. “We can take her. Right?”
He glanced at Danny, who said, “Sure.”
“We’ll get the bus down there then we can hop on the Tube. All settled! OK?”
Caitlyn tugged urgently at my sleeve. “Honestly,” she whispered, “they don’t have to.”
“Well, they’re going to,” I said. “It’s what brothers do.”
It was what mums ought to do, if ever they were there. Or dads, if they weren’t always racing to and fro.
Caitlyn went off at six o’clock, blushing furiously, with Sean and Danny. Mum arrived five minutes later.
“Sorry, sorry!” she said. “I got held up. Did you find something to eat?”
“Me and Caitlyn did,” I said.
“Oh!” Mum stared around, as if Caitlyn might be hiding somewhere. “Is she still here?”
“No, Sean and Danny took her home.”
“That was nice of them.”
“Well, someone had to,” I said. “Her mum doesn’t like her being out in the dark. I thought you were going to be here! She came for tea, but we were all by ourselves. Why is everybody always out somewhere? When I went round to her place, her mum was there and we all sat down together, at a table, cos it’s what people do. When people come to tea, they all sit down. They talk. Caitlyn must think we’re a really weird family!”
“Oh, dear,” said Mum. She sounded faintly surprised, as if such a thing had never occurred to her. “Do you honestly think so?”
“There’s never anybody around,” I said. “Dad’s always away, and you’re always busy, and Sean just stays long enough to say hallo and—”
“He uses the place like a hotel,” said Mum. “He might just as well move in with Danny and be done with it. As for your dad, you know he’s in huge demand, and I can’t just ignore these pushy mothers with their pudding-faced daughters always wanting me to tell them how brilliant they are. I only wish I could! But I’ll tell you what, why don’t you ask Cathleen—”
“Caitlyn!” I snapped.
“Caitlyn. Ask her over next Saturday and I promise I’ll be here and we’ll all go and sit down together and have tea and talk. And who knows? Your dad should be back, and Sean will probably look in, and she’s probably got a thing about him, because all your little friends seem to, so that should make you happy.”
“Why should it make me happy?” I said. “I haven’t got a thing about him.”
“It will make her happy.”
I thought that in all probability it would just make her tongue-tied.
I asked Sean, next day, if he and Danny had dropped Caitlyn off OK. He said, “Of course we dropped her off OK! What do you take us for? You think we’d just abandon her? We even waited till she was safely indoors.”
“Thank you,” I said. “That was very kind of you.”
“I am very kind.”
“You’re both very kind!”
“Well, I’m sure Danny will be glad to know you’re grateful. It was an uphill struggle getting her to talk. She hardly said a word from start to finish. You didn’t tell me she was so shy.”
“She’s not shy,” I said. “She’s just got this monstrous great crush on you.”
“Really?”
I said, “Yes, really! Don’t look all puzzled; you should be used to it by now.”
He must surely have realised? Caitlyn couldn’t have made it more obvious! But now that he was aware I knew I could trust him to be gentle and not tease. In spite of being so horribly spoilt, Sean is actually quite an understanding sort of person.
“So, what did you think of our glitterbugging?” I said. “What did you think of Caitlyn?”
“She’s a nice little mover,” said Sean, “but I don’t think it was really her sort of thing. It’s your sort of thing, it’s even my sort of thing, but she strikes me as being more sylph than Glitter Girl.”
“Yes.” I nodded. Sean had seen it! “I’m teaching her the dance I’m doing for the Christmas show.”
“I hope it’s not going to be like last year!”
I flushed. “That wasn’t my fault. Miss Lucas made me use some horrible pudding face who couldn’t dance. This year it’s just me. It’s going to be very sad and touching.”
“You reckon?” Sean laughed. “I can’t see you being sad and touching!”
“I can be,” I retorted.
“Show me?”
Well! I never need to be asked twice.
“This is just the first couple of minutes,” I said.
“So what music are you using?”
“A thing called Albinoni’s Adagio.”
“OK! Off you go. I’ll hum, you dance.”
“You know it?” I said.
“Oh, please!” said Sean. “I know everything. Get on with it!”
I didn’t do the whole sequence cos, even in the empty space of the hall, there really wasn’t enough room, but I did it as sadly and touchingly as I possibly could. Sean may not be as withering as Mum but he is just as critical.
“So?” I said, hopefully. “What do you think?”
“You’re right,” said Sean. “It is sad and touching. I’m impressed!”
I preened. I couldn’t help it!
“Mind you,” he continued, going and ruining it all, “that probably is more your little friend’s sort of thing. It would suit her down to the ground.”
That got me a bit miffed. It might have been what I’d already thought, but I didn’t need Sean telling me.
“Caitlyn’s not a dancer,” I said, huffily.
“Excuse me? Just the other day you were doing your best to convince me that she was!”
I said, “Well, she is and she isn’t, if you see what I mean.”
“Not really.”
Still rather cross I said, “She would be, if someone would just give her a chance! I’m doing my best, but I can’t do everything. I’m not a teacher! If Mum would just give her a scholarship or something …”
“Mum doesn’t do scholarships.”
“Well, free classes!”
“Be fair – she’s not running a charity. She’s running a business! If she gave free classes to every pudding face that can’t afford to pay …”
I said, “Caitlyn’s not a pudding face! And, while I think of it, could you let me have a signed photo for her? And could you put ‘With love from Sean’? Please? Sean? Pretty please!”
“Don’t grovel,” said Sean. “It doesn’t suit you.”
“Well, but could you? It would so make her day!”
He groaned, but he let me have the photo, signed the way I’d asked. I knew he would! I can always get round him. And it was worth doing a bit of grovelling just to see the way Caitlyn’s face lit up when I gave it to her.
I said, “Oh! You look like Clara in the Kingdom of Sweets!” I clasped my hands and made my eyes go big. “It’s only Sean,” I said.
Livi and Jordan had obviously been listening as hard as they could go cos Livi came up to me later and said, “Who’s Clara?”
“In The Nutcracker,” I said. “When she sees the Prince.”
“So, what was all that about
Sean?”
“Nothing! I was just giving Caitlyn his photograph.”
“You were giving her Sean’s photograph?” They stared at me, accusingly.
“You never gave us his photograph,” said Jordan.
“No, cos you’re not into ballet,” I said.
“Doesn’t mean we wouldn’t like a photo.”
“Could at least have offered.”
I said, “Well, but … if you’re not into ballet, why would you want one?”
Livi tossed her head. “Don’t have to be into ballet,” she said.
“It’s the principle,” said Jordan. She linked her arm through Livi’s. “We obviously don’t count!”
They went stalking off together, noses in the air. I had the uncomfortable feeling that it was the end of our friendship. I’d known Livi and Jordan for years, Caitlyn for just a few weeks. Was I being disloyal?
I thought I probably was, but Caitlyn and I had so much in common! Plus I’d be off to ballet school full time as soon as I turned thirteen so we’d probably lose touch, anyway.
All the same, I couldn’t help feeling a bit sad. It’s never nice to fall out with your friends.
Life is just so difficult at times.
“Ha, tea!” cried Dad. “Real sit-down tea! What’s brought this on all of a sudden?”
I said, “Da-a-a-d!”
I didn’t want Caitlyn thinking we’d made a special effort just for her. I mean, we had, but she would find it embarrassing. I could see she was already a bit overwhelmed, what with everybody being there. There was Dad, there was Mum, there were Sean and Danny, and even Jen, hugely pregnant and looking like a beach ball. I knew Caitlyn wouldn’t have any trouble talking to Jen, and I really thought that by now she ought to be able to cope with Sean and Danny, specially as they’d seen her home the other night. They’re not in the least bit scary and I’d never known anyone be shy with Sean for very long. Not even when they did have a massive crush on him. Mum and Dad, on the other hand, are a different matter. Jordan once gigglingly said that they were a bit like royalty.
I’m used to them, of course, but even I can see that they are rather overwhelming. Dad in particular. He was once described in a dance magazine as one of the leading figures of British ballet and I do sometimes think he finds it difficult to just relax and be a normal, ordinary dad. Mum at least tries to be a normal, ordinary mum, except when she gets carried away in the studio, poking at people and reducing all the pudding faces to tears. She’d really made an effort with tea, even if she still couldn’t get Caitlyn’s name right.
“Cathleen,” she said, pushing a plate towards her, “just dive in! Please!”
“Mum, it’s Caitlyn,” I said.
“Sorry, sorry!” Mum beat a fist against her forehead. “Memory’s going! But then I’ve never been good with names.”
“Caitlyn’s nice,” said Jen.
I leaned forward earnestly across the table.
“Caitlyn,” I said, “w—”
I was about to say, “wants to be a dancer”. Followed by, “Unfortunately her mum can’t afford lessons.” And then perhaps, “I’m trying to teach her myself. She’s really talented!”
This would at once rouse Jen’s interest cos how could it not? It might even arouse Dad’s, if he was listening, which he almost certainly wasn’t, but I didn’t need Dad. Jen would do! She would immediately see the unfairness of it. I saw her turning to Mum and going, “Oh, that is so tragic! Maybe you could give her a scholarship?”
It was on the tip of my tongue – and then Danny went and jumped in and the moment was gone.
“So, have you chosen a name yet?” he said.
He meant, of course, a name for the baby. Like anyone cared! Well, Jen obviously did. And Mum and Dad, I suppose. Maybe Sean. Maybe, perhaps even me; just a little bit. But why, why did he have to go and ask at that particular moment?
Jen, needless to say, couldn’t wait to get started.
“Well, if it’s a boy,” she said, “we thought of James. Either James or Ivor. I like James, Steve likes Ivor. If it’s a girl, we both want Anya. We’re waiting to see what turns up!”
“They’re waiting to see if it’s a girl bean or a boy bean,” I said.
Sean pulled a face at me across the table. “That’s enough from you, smart mouth!”
“So you haven’t gone for one of those picture things?” said Danny.
“You mean a beanograph,” I told him.
“A what?” said Danny.
I said, “Beanograph! Ask Sean! He knows.”
Sean made his fingers into a gun shape and pointed them at me.
“You’re not allowed to do that,” I said. “It’s not PC. Tell Danny why you call me Bean!”
“Yes, do,” said Danny. “Is it a family secret?”
“It’s Sean keeping his brains in his feet,” I said.
“The best place for them,” said Sean. He pushed back his chair. “Mum, we’ve got to go. We only looked in to say hallo. Bye, Jen! Bye, Glitter Girls!”
“What’s this about Glitter Girls?” said Mum, as Sean and Danny disappeared up the basement steps.
Eagerly, I told her. “It’s a dance we made up from what they used to do in America … the glitterbug. Well, ours is the glitterbug. Theirs was the jitterbug, but I think glitterbug’s better. D’you want to see?”
I was all set to jump up and demonstrate, but Caitlyn plucked anxiously at me.
“Maddy, we’re still working on it!”
“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “We can show them what we’ve done so far. It’s only Mum and Dad! You don’t have to be shy.”
Of course it was the very worst thing I could have said. I realised that the moment I’d said it. Only Mum and Dad … Caitlyn gave me this look like a drowning puppy. Mum, quite sharply, said, “Maddy, don’t be so bossy! If you want to show off, by all means do so, but stop trying to force Caitlyn into it. She’s a guest in this house! We don’t make our guests feel uncomfortable.”
Well! That probably just made her feel even more uncomfortable. It made me just feel cross. Partly cross with Caitlyn for being such a wimp, but even crosser with Mum for not supporting me. If she could only have been a bit encouraging, like, Yes, come on, give us a demonstration, instead of wittering on about not making our guests feel uncomfortable, I felt sure I could’ve got Caitlyn dancing. And then they would all have seen what she could do! Dad and Jen, as well as Mum.
Caitlyn obviously knew that I wasn’t pleased. She plucked nervously at my sleeve as we went upstairs to my room after we’d finished tea. I said, “What?”
“I couldn’t,” she whispered. “I just couldn’t!”
“That was an opportunity,” I said. “And now you’ve gone and wasted it.”
“But it was your mum,” she pleaded. “And your dad!”
“Like I said … an opportunity! You have to take opportunities.”
She bit her lip. “I just didn’t think I was ready.”
“Of course you were ready! It’s not like learning –” I waved a hand – “I don’t know! The Sugar Plum Fairy or something. There aren’t any set steps. It’s something you can just make up as you go, like we did for Miss Lucas. Like we did the other day, when Sean and Danny walked in. You didn’t get all silly about it then!”
“That’s cos I was in the middle of it.”
“It was cos you’re a dancer. Brains in your feet! Even if you get all woozy cos it’s Sean and you’ve got a crush on him, your feet still keep on dancing.”
Caitlyn’s face was already starting to grow pink. It was the only time she had any colour, when she was embarrassed. She didn’t bother trying to deny that she had a crush. Wouldn’t have been any point, anyway, cos I wouldn’t have believed her.
“If you can dance in front of Sean, you can dance in front of Mum,” I said.
I knew I was being unkind cos nobody, but nobody, could ever be scared of Sean, I shouldn’t think. Mum, on the other hand, strikes terror into
all kinds of people.
“Thing is,” I said, “if you want to get anywhere, you have to make an effort. You have to be prepared to push yourself. I don’t mean trample over everyone like that girl I was telling you about, the one we thought Sean was going out with, cos she’s just horrible and everybody hates her. But it’s no use getting all embarrassed and hiding in the corner, cos that way no one’s ever going to notice you. They’ll never even know you’re there! And loads of people that haven’t got half your talent will just grab all the limelight and you’ll still be stuck in the corner and you won’t have anybody to blame except yourself! Cos nobody,” I said, “can do it for you.”
She hung her head. “I know. It’s up to me.”
“Well, it is! I’m doing my best,” I said. “I can’t do more. And I can’t do it all by myself! You’ve got to play your part, otherwise it’s not fair.” I really felt that it wasn’t. I’d tried so hard to create opportunities! I’d spoken to Sean; I’d spoken to Mum; I’d given Caitlyn lessons. What more was I expected to do?
“By rights,” I said, “I ought to drag you back downstairs and make you dance the glitterbug whether you like it or not!”
She shrank back. “Maddy, please—”
“Oh, don’t worry,” I said. “I’m not actually going to do it. I would if I were Mum. Mum never takes no for an answer! She’d make you, and then we’d know for sure whether you’ve got what it takes or whether you’re someone who just goes to pieces.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. “I might be someone who just goes to pieces.”
“No, you wouldn’t,” I said. I felt, too late, that I’d been a bit harsh. I hadn’t meant to make her cry! I know I can be bossy, but it was just so frustrating. “People like you and Sean,” I said, “people who keep their brains in their feet, you never go to pieces. You’re the lucky ones!”
She blotted her eyes with the back of her hand. “What about you?”
“Oh! Well. Me.” I didn’t honestly think that I would go to pieces, either, but right now I needed to comfort her. “I’d just … I don’t know! Carry on, I suppose, and make an idiot of myself.”