“Sometimes I feel that way,” she admitted to him, “when I see young women just starting out on their careers. It’s hard to get older.” They both looked at April as they said it. To them, she looked like a child, and in some ways she was.
“I used to tell myself I was still young, but this last birthday kind of brought me up short,” Jack admitted.
“So did mine,” she said, laughing ruefully, “especially when they announced it on the radio. I was ready to kill someone when I saw you in the elevator that day, except I felt so sorry for you, all hunched over.”
He laughed now when he thought of it, his night with Catwoman and the disastrous result. “I think that was my last fling with youth. After that, I figured maybe it was time to grow up. Living through the terrorist takeover at the network was an epiphany for me about what matters and what doesn’t. Some of the things I’ve done were pretty dumb. Basically, I destroyed my marriage in order to show off.” What he said struck a familiar chord for her, she had done some of that herself, although Pat had been nice about it. Her day as a hostage and the lives lost had sparked an epiphany for her too. And she realized now that most of her decisions while she was married to him were about what was good for her and her career, not him or their marriage. She couldn’t help wondering now if she’d been wrong, and regretting some of it.
“I pretty much wrecked my marriage in order to build my career,” she confessed ruefully, but with her usual honesty about herself. “Although I was married to the wrong man. It never really worked. He’s a wonderful person, but we were much too different. He admits now that I scared him to death. He wanted more children, and now I wish I’d had them. But I wanted to build an empire, and I did. You sacrifice a lot for that, and I’m not sure it’s worth it. I love my work, and I still have a good time doing it, but that’s not all there is. It’s taken me this long to figure that out,” Valerie said with a candor and openness that impressed Jack.
“Yeah, me too,” Jack admitted. “Life isn’t just about having fun. Or that’s all you wind up with. A lot of good-time Charlies hanging around to cash in on you, and a lot of very pretty empty-headed girls who’re there for a free ride. That gets old. Maybe I did myself a favor on my birthday when I threw my back out. The two weeks I spent in bed feeling sorry for myself gave me time to think.”
“I’ve thought about it a lot in recent years, but by now I don’t know what else to do,” Valerie said quietly. “My marriage has been over for twenty-three years. April’s all grown up and doesn’t need me. Now all I’ve got left is work, and it’s what I do best.” Jack looked at her thoughtfully as she said it. What she said made sense to him too.
“I think what you need in your life now, Valerie, is football,” he teased her again. “We’ll get you a total immersion course in Miami next month. In exchange, you can teach me how to set a table.” But even though he was being playful with her about it, he had enormous respect for the career she had built. Hers was a name that absolutely everybody knew. She was truly the world authority on gracious living. There wasn’t a girl in America who planned her wedding without one of Valerie’s books. It was easy to pooh-pooh it, but she was an industry unto herself. She was a business, a star, an icon, and a legend all her own, just as he was and had been. In their own way, they were both in the Hall of Fame, but in the end, they had both figured out that as exciting as it could be at times, it just wasn’t enough. Pat had figured that out when they split up and he married Maddie, and went on to have more kids with a woman whose greatest joy in life was their family and marriage. They talked about things the way he and Valerie never had. Most of Valerie’s decisions had been unilateral based on what was good for her career. At the time, it had been heady stuff. It was too late to go back and turn it around, and she wasn’t sorry she’d done it. But some of the sacrifices she’d made, and the choices, no longer made quite as much sense.
Jack Adams was in a similar situation to hers. He had opted for a lifetime of fun, and he didn’t regret it, but at fifty, there was no one important in his life, except his son. And he had never slowed down long enough to marry again and have more children. He had told himself he would one day, and the women he went out with were young enough that he could still marry and have more kids. Lots of men had second families at his age and older, particularly successful ones. But he wished that he had done it when he was younger. When he saw his ex-wife’s three other boys, he knew that somewhere along the line, he had blown it. It was hard to play catch-up at fifty. And even harder at Valerie’s age. One day you woke up and you were alone, and you wondered how it had happened. In Valerie and Jack’s case, they both knew how it had.
“Would you do it differently if you had it to do all over again?” he asked her, and she thought about it before she answered.
“Maybe. Maybe not. I probably should have tried harder to stay married, but Pat and I didn’t want the same things. He wanted an academic life and I didn’t. I didn’t care about medieval history, or his tenure at the university, or his students. I was much too interested in my own career and where it was going. I was on an express train all by myself. I didn’t even notice that no one else was on it, and I probably didn’t care back then, although I do now. I’d like someone on that train with me, and it’s not going quite as fast. It’s going at a good clip, but there’s room for someone else on board. There never was before. Probably what I regret most now is that I didn’t put any time and effort into finding someone else after Pat. I was too busy. But one day you wake up, and you’re all by yourself, and there’s no one in the station wanting to get on the train anymore. You’ve been flying by too fast. I don’t want to end up alone one day, when I’m really old, but it could happen. I didn’t stop at enough stations and let anyone else on board before now. And by the time you figure that out, it’s probably too late to change it. You have a life, a show, a career everyone envies, a history, but if you’re all alone, I’m not sure the accomplishments mean that much.”
“It’s not too late for someone to get on that train with you,” Jack said quietly, and meant it. “You’re a beautiful woman, Valerie. You just have to slow down long enough for someone to get on board.” She nodded, and she could tell that he knew exactly what she meant, and had done the same thing himself, in his own way.
“I’m trying,” she said honestly. “Some people say you can’t have everything, a successful career and a relationship. I always thought you could, although I didn’t put much effort into it myself.”
“I think you can have both. People have said that to me too. I think it’s bullshit. I think people who say that are jealous, and they don’t like the idea that you can have it all. You can, you just have to moderate what you want. I’ve probably been out with every airhead in the country for the last twenty-five years. That’s fine if what you really want is airheads. If you want more than that, at some point you have to get off that train too. I forgot to get off that train. I fell off that train recently, and I’m starting to think that’s a good thing. It woke me up.” She nodded. There was definitely a choice to be made about the kind of women he wanted.
It had been an interesting conversation, as April walked over to them with a smile. She had been on her feet, in and out of the kitchen, and greeting people, all night. Valerie worried about her staying on the career train for too long too. This baby was going to do her good. It was going to put something real and human in her life, not just a restaurant to love, but a person, a child. The one thing in her life Valerie didn’t regret was April. She had been the greatest gift of all.
“How are you two doing?” she asked as she observed the remains of the hot fudge sundae. They had made heavy inroads on the chocolate truffles and butter cookies too. There was only one of each left.
“I’d say we’ve done very well, and had a terrific evening. Your mother is telling me all about how to set a table, and I’ve been explaining about field goals and incomplete passes.” April laughed. They were obviously having a nice
time.
“Just don’t let her teach you how to cook.”
“No worries. We have you. The lobster was delicious.” April was pleased to hear it.
Jack paid the check after that, and Valerie could see that he was tired. The leg was probably still hurting more than he wanted to admit, and it had been a little too soon for him to go out. He seemed slower on his crutches when they left, although he claimed that it was all that food weighing him down. But he looked exhausted, and Valerie suspected he was in pain.
She thanked him for dinner when he dropped her off at her building. He said he had had a wonderful time, and so had she.
“I’ll have my secretary call you about Miami. I’ll give you the name of the hotel and the dates. See if they work for you. We don’t need to book a flight, the network will send us down on the company plane.” It was a nice way to travel. He was definitely a star, and the nice thing was that so was she. They were on equal footing. He was going to be a wonderful friend to have.
“Try to rest a little over the holidays,” she reminded him.
“Look who’s talking,” he said, and laughed. “How many days did you take off after the hostage incident? Remind me, was that one or two?” She laughed in answer. He had a point. They had both spent their lives pushing as hard as they could, doing as much as possible, and there were a lot of good things about it. It had gotten them where they were. But at this point in their lives, they were both questioning how high the price had been for that fast ride. And for different reasons, they both wanted to slow down, not totally, but just enough to let someone else on the merry-go-round with them. They had both been honest and open about it that night. It would be interesting to see if they could do it, or if they ever would. She was looking forward to going to the Super Bowl with him, if she had the time. She had never done anything like it. It sounded like fun, and she liked the idea of doing something so different.
Jack kissed her on the cheek as she got out of the car, and she waved as she walked back into the building. She had had a really good time. Who would ever have guessed that they would wind up friends?
Chapter 10
Mike picked a tiny Chinese restaurant in Chinatown near Canal Street for their first date. It looked like a hole in the wall, but the food was delicate and exquisite. He had been there before, so he knew what to order. April was fascinated by the combinations they served. They did some wonderful things with shark and lobster. He had ordered Peking duck when he made the reservation, and it was cooked to perfection. They had fragrant paper-wrapped chicken, shark’s fin sauté, and some vegetable dishes that they both tried to analyze and guess what spices had been used. There was a meat dish she wanted to figure out for her restaurant, but the owner just laughed at her when she inquired about it.
“They’re not going to tell you their secrets,” Mike said with a grin. He was glad that she had liked the food so much.
“Tell the truth,” she said to him over delicate green tea ice cream. “Isn’t this more fun than reporting from war zones?”
“Sometimes,” he admitted, “but only when the food is this good. You don’t know how many bad meals I eat, while writing reviews. A lot of chefs have no imagination, and their food is just no good.”
“Is that what you thought when you gave me the bad review?” she asked with a wistful look. He was still embarrassed about it, and hoped to make it up to her one day.
“No, I thought the food was terrific, but I thought you weren’t trying hard enough with the menu. You made a convert of me with the pancakes on Christmas Eve, and even before that. I dream about your mashed potatoes now, and I even love your mac and cheese.” She had made him try a mouthful of both on Christmas Eve.
“I have to admit, they’re not as good as this. I’ve always wanted to go to China, and take a serious class on how to do their food.” There were so many things she still wanted to do. But her life was about to become infinitely more complicated in June. She wasn’t going to be traveling anywhere anytime soon.
They were leaving the restaurant when she cautiously asked him a question, wondering even before she said it if it was a mistake.
“I’m going to the doctor tomorrow for my four-month visit. Any chance you want to come see it on the sonogram or listen to the heartbeat? My feelings won’t be hurt if you don’t want to, I just thought I’d ask, if it’s something you want to do.” They both knew he didn’t, but she asked him so nicely that he suddenly thought he should. He felt as though it weren’t his baby, only hers. He had no relation to it. It was still hard for him to believe that it even existed. It was hers but not yet his, and maybe it never would be. He could see now just the slightest roundness of her stomach. But the baggy sweaters she wore when she wasn’t working, and her chef’s jacket and apron at the restaurant, hid it most of the time. But he knew it was there, just waiting to destroy his life forever.
“Sure. Maybe. What time are you going?” he asked vaguely, looking uncomfortable as he said it.
“Four o’clock.” She told him where the doctor’s office was, and he nodded. He could do that, he told himself, it was no big deal. How much damage could one visit do?
“I can meet you there,” he confirmed, and she looked up at him with a gentle smile that made his heart ache, and he didn’t know how to tell her that he was afraid of what he’d see and how real it would make the baby seem to him after that. What if the baby turned out to be like him, whom his parents had blamed for everything, or his brother, who couldn’t face their constant fights and accusations, and killed himself at fifteen instead? Things like that didn’t show on a sonogram and were more devastating than deformities or anomalies. And if he let this child into his life, and her with it, would they break his heart, or find him inadequate later? He couldn’t take the chance. With a family like hers, she had no concept of the kind of childhood he’d had. And what if he was as bad as his own parents? That would be even worse. What if bad parenting was hereditary, locked somewhere in his genes? She had three solid role models to draw from, and Mike knew he had none.
He took her back to her apartment over the restaurant, and remembered all too easily what had happened there four months before. There were moments like tonight when he was tempted to reach out to her again, and do it right this time, because he cared about her and respected her, not because of the wine. But he thought it was too late for a fresh start. His baby was already growing in her belly. He had done enough damage. They had both made a terrible mistake. He didn’t want to make another one by starting with her all over again. He kissed her on the forehead, and left her on the stairs to her apartment. He seemed overwhelmed with sadness when he left. She wondered if he’d actually show up at the doctor’s appointment the next day. But at least now they were slowly becoming friends. She had thoroughly enjoyed her evening with him.
She saw Ellen for acupuncture the next morning, who commented that the baby was turning into a good-sized bump. Neither of them could guess what sex it was, although Ellen said she might be able to tell from her pulses later on. April said she hoped it was going to be a girl. If she was going to be alone with it, a girl would be easier for her. Mike had stated no preference, since he didn’t want the baby at all.
They had a full house at the restaurant that day for lunch, and a problem with one of their refrigerators, which had almost made her late. The repairman was just walking in when she left. She got to the doctor’s five minutes after four, and Mike wasn’t there. She was almost certain he wouldn’t come. They were just weighing her, when she heard someone asking for her at the desk. It was Mike. She came out to the waiting room to meet him with a smile. She had gained ten pounds in the last four months. She was allowed to gain twenty-five in the next five. She was going to start gaining real weight from now on.
Mike looked pained as they sat in the waiting room with other women with enormous pregnant bellies. By the time they went in to see the doctor, he looked pale and as though he were about to bolt. April introduced him
to her doctor, who was pleasant and easygoing, and she agreed to do a quick sonogram so Mike could see the baby for himself. April hadn’t felt it move yet, although the doctor explained that she would in the next few weeks. But Mike had never put a hand on her stomach, and April doubted he ever would again. She told herself that he was there not so much as the baby’s father, but as an interested friend.
The doctor left April and Mike with the technician, and after emptying her bladder, April came back into the room wearing a cotton gown. She got onto the table so they could put the gel on her, and she saw that Mike looked away. Nothing was exposed except her long legs and her gently rounded belly, and then once the machine was on, the technician rolled the wand around on her abdomen, and the baby appeared on the screen. Mike was staring at it with total fascination. It looked like a baby, was curled up, but you could see its head, its back, its arms and legs, its hands and feet. And the rhythmic thump of the heart beating was equally clear. They could hear it through the microphone. He looked at April with amazement, then went back to staring at the screen. She was smiling at him, feeling the wand move around her belly in the cold gel, so he could see the child that was growing in her. The baby they had conceived together as an accident had never seemed more real, not only to her, but now to him.
Mike didn’t say a word as this time the technician handed him the picture to take home with him. He didn’t ask any questions, he just stared at it as April followed him out of the room. She was glad he had come with her, and somehow she was hoping he would be less angry and frightened about it.
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