by Lily Morton
“What about Sid?” I ask slowly. Adam looks at him consideringly as he plays guitar next to his brother while they both share a microphone. They’re completely different to each other but at this moment with their blue eyes shining, you can tell that they’re brothers.
“Fucking hell Sid was the wildest of them all,” he says finally.
“Really?” I ask in disbelief. I can’t believe Mr Control Pants was ever wild.
“Yeah,” Adam says a bit sadly. “He used to get up to all sorts of shit but I think a lot of that was down to the stuff he was shovelling up his nose.” I wince and he’s quick to try to reassure me by putting his arm around me and giving me a hug. I see Sid look intently at us and glare and I hope he hasn’t realised that we’re talking about him. “He’s not on it now babe. He’s been clean for eighteen months and he’s different now anyway.”
“In what way?”
“He just seems very controlled now and focused. He’s definitely a driving force in the band at the moment, but other than that he seems healthy, not just in his body but in his mind if you know what I mean?” I nod. “Before, he was out of control all the time and it could make people uncomfortable because you never knew what he was going to do or say next.” I tense inside because I know exactly what he’s saying. “The crowd he ran with weren’t too brilliant either but Sid wasn’t ever like them and I couldn’t understand why he hung around with them. They were hard faced bastards, always spending his money, but even when he was in a bad way Sid’s always been a good bloke, always looking out for people and funny as fuck man. He’s had me close to wetting myself before he’s that funny. That’s why I could never understand why he was with that Leah.”
“Leah?” I say questioningly, aware that the music is slowing, and then I’m interrupted by a voice from over my shoulder that makes me jump.
“Mr Phillips how nice to see you again.” Adam jerks in surprise. “Oh, I’m sorry. Have I interrupted your gossip session?”
Adam turns slowly and his lip curls slightly, not much, but I can tell that he doesn’t like this man. “Hi Bill,” he says carefully and I gasp, turning quickly to see the manager. I’ve spoken to him before but never met him. He’s a smallish bloke probably about 5’ 8” with thinning brown hair swept back over his high forehead. He’s thin and wearing a suit that even I can recognise is tailor made and a pair of shoes so shiny that I could do my make up in them.
“Mr Phillips,” he says and then turns to me. “Miss Slater,” he adds slowly. “It’s nice to finally put a face to a voice.”
“Yes likewise.” I reach out and shake the hand that he stretches out to me. I want desperately to deny that we were gossiping but we sort of were.
“Shall we take this into the other room?” he asks brandishing a sheaf of papers and wincing as the boys launch into another fast paced song.
“Okay.” I smile and follow him into what turns out to be a recording studio. Settling down at a table he spreads out the pages and produces a Montblanc pen with a flourish.
“Read these Miss Slater and then I’m here to answer any questions you might have before you sign.” I nod and read them through carefully but there don’t seem to be any big surprises here. It’s the standard non- disclosure and contracts so I nod when I reach the end.
“That’s fine,” I smile. “I’ll sign them now.”
Signing my name in the places marked I hand him the sheets but he lingers. “You know Miss Slater these boys are very famous.” I nod, wondering where he’s going with this. “I’m pointing this out because you have signed a non-disclosure form and I would hate for you to be released without pay because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut.” I gasp. His face has transformed from polite geniality into something that looks almost threatening.
“I won’t be repeating anything I see,” I say firmly. “I’m not a gossipmonger and I’m well aware of what a chance I’ve been given.”
“You might want to think about that statement, coming as it does after I caught you gossiping with Mr Phillips about Mr Hudson.”
“I wasn’t gossiping,” I say hotly. “He was just saying how good the new music is and how much fun their tours are.”
“Really?” he remarks in patent disbelief and I flush angrily because we were sort of gossiping. “Well whatever you say Miss Slater. Perhaps bear it in mind and you might also want to concentrate on singing in the background where you obviously belong, rather than trying to bag a rich rock star who has a great many problems.”
I gasp and I’m about to hotly deny this but I’m interrupted by a cold voice from the door. “That’s enough Bill,” Sid snaps. I look at him but his face is in shadow due to the bright light behind him. Bill nods coolly but I notice he doesn’t apologise to Sid, but instead shoots him a rather long suffering look as if he’s a small child rather than a hulking, angry rock star. Gathering the papers together he leaves with a muttered, “Later Miss Slater,” and then we’re left in silence. This gathers before Sid breaks it by sighing.
“I’m sorry. Bill means well but sometimes his delivery is a bit shit.”
“How much did you hear?” I ask slowly.
“All of it.”
“It’s not true,” I say defiantly, unable to bear him thinking I was gossiping about him with the aim of snaring him. “I’m not trying to snag you. You’re quite free of that from me.” He raises an eyebrow and just stares at me coldly and I look at him sharply, feeling provoked beyond measure by that utter disinterest. “I need a rock star like you in my life like I need a good dose of herpes.” For a second he seems to wince and I immediately feel guilty and open my mouth to apologise, but then his expression ices over even more.
“You’re going on tour with Beggar’s Choice,” he says coldly, turning to go. “Judging from past experiences I’d have to say that a dose of the clap might be the least of your worries.”
Sid
I stalk back into the rehearsal room where the boys are grabbing a break and getting themselves drinks. I’d suggested a break as soon as Bill had taken Nell into the other room. I know he’s been our manager for a few years now but he’s a barracuda where our interests are concerned, and he’s always been deeply suspicious about any women around us. I think he’s just waiting for a Yoko Ono to appear and mess with his pay check. Charlie, obviously seeing my expression immediately wanders over. “Jesus who pissed in your cornflakes?”
“Fucking Bill.” I roll my shoulders to get rid of the tension.
“What’s he done now?”
“Accusing Nell of being here so she can bag a band member.”
“Bag or bang?” he asks, waggling his eyebrows and trying to make me laugh. He’s onto a loser with that. I can still hear Nell’s words echoing in my head. She’d rather have an STD than me? I’d laugh if I wasn’t so fucking devastated. Even when I was fucked off my tits there weren’t many women that would have said no to me. I’m not being conceited, the money’s the lure not me, I know that, but even so I like Nell. She’s the first woman I’ve met for years who intrigues me, and she obviously thinks that I’m just a short step up from dog shit. Maybe she’s right because I’ve never been an angel. Dismissing her from my mind takes an effort that surprises me. I’ve only met her twice but already she occupies more of my thoughts than I can handle. I’ve thought of her too many times over the last couple of days for my peace of mind - her face, her expressions, her body. Admittedly some of those thoughts have been accompanied by my hand on my dick. Looking up I focus again on Charlie who’s looking at me with a concentrated expression on his face.
“Hello,” he says slowly. “You went off somewhere. Did I hit the nail on the head there? Is there a guitarist in this room - a special little man, who wants her to catch him?”
“Fuck off,” I say quickly trying not to laugh. I need to get him off this right now because I’ll never hear the end of it. He’ll share it with the boys and with Mabes. She’ll share with Viv and before I know it the boys will be ripping th
e shit out of me and making Nell feel uncomfortable. I think of the moment earlier on when my fingers had drifted over the threadbare material of her flimsy coat and the fucking shame on her face. The thought of someone like her being cold because she can’t afford a coat hits me somewhere inside, a soft underbelly that I’d thought I’d eradicated a long while ago which in itself is worrying. I can’t have her feel so uncomfortable that she has to leave because it’s obvious that she needs this job and before I can stop myself I open my fucking mouth. “Does she look like someone I’d fuck?” I laugh. “Come on, you’ve seen the girls I like. Never in a million years would I fuck her.” Charlie’s expression freezes and I feel someone move behind me and I go stock still as Nell brushes past me and walks back to the settee and that fucking bastard Adam who’s been flirting with her all morning. “Shit did she hear me?” I groan.
“I think so,” he mutters, swiping his hand down over his face.
“Great that’s all I need. Now our fucking backing singer hates me.”
“No she doesn’t. Just have a word with her and tell her that you were joking. Anyway, why do you care Sid? You don’t want her after all.”
“I just don’t want her upset,” I say staunchly and hoping to fuck he leaves this alone.
“Okay,” he elongates the word. “Whatever you say.”
“I do say so, so fucking leave it alone. Anyway, back to Bill. He’s becoming a problem to me Charlie.”
He sighs. “I know. It’s been coming for a while since you got clean.”
“He’s so fucking patronising. When I express an opinion it’s like I’m five and he wants to give me a fucking pat on the head and tell me to go away and play with my toys.”
“You’ve got to remember mate that you were fucked up when we hired him. He’s never seen you clean so he has no idea that this is the way you are. You know – focused and wanting all the details. He just knows you as being fuck faced and way too laid back.”
“Well that’s over now.”
“Is it?”
I look at him sharply. “What the fuck does that mean?”
He holds up his hands in apology. “I just want you to be happy mate. I want you to stay off that fucking shit.”
“I’ve been clean for eighteen months now. What gives you the fucking idea that I’m going to go back on the gear?” Even I can hear the defensiveness in my voice.
“You just worry me sometimes,” he says softly. “I know you’re clean Sid. Nobody works harder on that than you, and I’m so fucking proud of you for that. You’ve got a strength of mind that I don’t have.”
“But?”
“But you’re not living mate. You just exist with this fierce drive to stay clean. Everything you do is done with this concentration on being clean and nothing else. I know you need that to stay good but I just want you to live life to the full. I want to see you happy, that’s all.”
“I am happy,” I say somewhat defensively because I know he’s speaking the truth. I’m not happy really. I don’t remember the last time I was, to be honest. I know there must be more to life but in my experience I’ve never found it, which looking back might be one of the reasons why I got hooked on the shit in the first place. “I’ll get there.” I emphasise the words for his benefit because I fucking hate seeing him worried about me. He should be enjoying himself with Mabe after waiting all these years for her, instead of wasting time on me. I just wish sometimes, well a lot, that all the drug shit that we went through could vanish from everyone’s memories as if it never happened. For once I’d like to be the one taking care of someone rather than everyone trying to take care of me. I know it sounds ungrateful but just once I’d like everyone to treat me the way that they used to, without those little sidelong glances they think I don’t see, where they’re analysing my state of mind, my happiness and whether I’m going to fuck off and snort some more coke up my nose. I think that’s why I’m interested in Nell to some extent because never once has she given me that concerned look, like she’s worried that she’ll send me off the deep end. Instead, her focus is entirely on me and I love that feeling almost as much as I hate it coming from someone I can never have a chance with. She’s too good for a waster like me.
He draws me into a tight one armed hug. “I know you will,” he says fiercely, “And if you can’t do it I’m going to help you.”
“Oh please don’t,” I say faintly. “I don’t think you should be having conversations with me about emotions. Hasn’t Mabe banned you from this because you’ve not qualified as a mature human being yet?”
Immediately his attention is diverted as I knew it would be when I mention his wife, and he smiles. “What the fuck does she know?” he says lordly. “I’m the king of sorting emotional shit out.”
“Wow, ‘emotional shit’,” I drawl. “Nice to know you feel my pain brother.”
He laughs but I think I’ve misjudged how distracted he is because he shoots me a sharp look. “I’ll keep an eye on Bill, set him straight.”
“No you won’t, I will.” He nods after a minute and I relax slightly. He has to get used to me being in control again. If he can’t our relationship will suffer because it’ll drive me crazy being with people who don’t trust my instincts. I don’t need protecting. As if he’s read my feelings he leans in.
“You’ll always be my brother Sid. You and Mabe are everything to me. Even if you hadn’t been stupid I’d still worry about you. That’s just me.” I nod. “And you’re going to tolerate my over protective tendencies, while I go along like a good boy with your micromanaging every piece of shit in our lives.” I laugh out loud and he grins. “I’m still going to see you happy mate whatever it takes,” he whispers and moves off. Fucking bastard always has to have the last word.
I catch sight of Nell sitting on the settee and steeling myself I walk over. “Can I have a word Nell?” I’m trying not to sound harsh but from the wince on Adam’s face I don’t think that I’ve succeeded.
“Of course,” she says stiffly and I usher her back into the other room ignoring Charlie’s grin. When we get there I turn to face her.
“I’m so sorry that you had to hear that from me.”
She stares. “You’re sorry I heard it, or sorry you said it?” she asks coolly and I can actually feel a blush glowing on my cheeks.
“Both,” I say quickly. “Either. I didn’t mean it, you have to know that.” She glares at me coldly and I hurry on. “I mean I’d definitely fuck you. You’re not deficient in any way.”
“Wow,” she says faintly and I foolhardily carry on. Jesus I should probably be cupping my balls about now because she looks ready to launch at me.
“Yes. I’d definitely do you, not that I’m this massive arbiter of good taste or anything. Jesus, you should see some of the women I’ve been with …” My voice trails off because I actually feel like I’ve regressed back to when I was ten and used to say stupid shit when I was under pressure. I rub the back of my neck and shuffle my feet like some sad twat and her gaze shifts to a mixture of humour and confusion.
“Well, thank you for clearing that up Mr Hudson,” she says slowly. Don’t call me Mr Hudson I want to shout. Treat me like you do the other men. Be that friendly to me. But I don’t and I know that my face has frozen into that hard look that I use to deflect attention, because the humour dies leaving something that, shit, looks a lot like hurt. “Listen I know you don’t really like me, that’s very clear.” I open my mouth to protest but she doesn’t allow it. “So why don’t we just be cordial and work together. I’ll do my job to the best of my ability and as my boss you’ll let me know if I do anything wrong?” She looks at me in question and I nod like some dumb, fucking idiot. She looks almost relieved. “Okay then I’ll go back out there now if that’s okay with you?” I gesture to her to go first and she sashays out, her tight little backside wriggling. I look for a second because fuck I’m only human and she has the best arse I’ve ever seen, but then I resolutely look up. Colleagues I tell myse
lf. Work colleagues only and I hope to fuck I can keep it like that.
Three
Three weeks later I’m sitting on the settee in the rehearsal room waiting for Seth and Adam to arrive. Adam’s on his way back from a dentist’s appointment, and Seth’s running late because he’s being interviewed about his drum preference or something. As Charlie says it shouldn’t really take that long because if you put it in front of him he’ll bang it and that includes women. The other boys are drifting around. Bram’s on his phone sorting something out with Alys his lodger. She’s an exceptionally beautiful woman and I’d have expected after a few weeks of knowing Bram, to find him all over her. However, the dynamics of their relationship are strained. He ignores her almost resolutely and with a steely determination, while she seems to do her level best to wind him up. Currently she seems to be leading him a merry dance over a matter of being rude to one of his women, and from his infuriated expression he’s not getting very far in chastising her.
Charlie and Sid are talking intensely with Bill about something to do with accommodation and the tour buses, hence me sitting right out of sight where Bill won’t see me. He hasn’t warmed to me at all and treats me with this cold scepticism like he’s waiting for me to fuck up and sell them all out. I don’t know whether he thinks this coldness will worry me, but I apprenticed at the feet of the Mistress in Ice, formerly known as my mother, so although I stay out of the way, I can’t bring myself to care much about his opinion.
It’s been a hard few weeks. The tour starts in December and we’re cramming in five day working weeks starting at 10 am and running through until 7 pm when we break for dinner. I’m usually invited and we descend on Charlie’s kitchen where his housekeeper Mrs M will have cooked something. She’s a character and has a cackle like an alcoholic witch but she’s been quite kind to me. Mabe says that she’s not normally nice but she thinks that because she and Charlie are married now Mrs M has softened somewhat as she doesn’t have to run anyone off her turf. Plus, Mabe is either too nice or too busy at work to try to boss her around.