by Lily Morton
“Thank fuck I wore underwear,” she cackles in my ear and I laugh, turning to her just in time to see her expression freeze slightly as there’s a round of cheers and Charlie and Seth enter the room, Seth with Lucy hanging prettily from his arm. I think if I hadn’t turned at that precise second I’d never have known anything was wrong because her face instantly smooths over into a welcoming smile. However, I did turn and now I’m wondering just how much of her joie de vive is an act, because just for a second I saw real heartbreak there. She must catch the sympathy in my eyes because she shakes her head quickly. “Don’t. Please don’t,” she whispers and I nod catching her hand and giving it a squeeze, hopefully letting her know that I’m here if she needs me. I know I’m not one of her close circle of friends but the more I see of the girls, the more I like them. Perhaps I shouldn’t, because when the tour is over I’ll probably never see them again. The thought saddens me but I shake it off in time to accept a crushing hug from Seth.
“Fucking brilliant sweetheart,” he says. “I enjoyed that so fucking much!”
I laugh giddily. “It was wasn’t it?” I shout in his ear aware of Lucy glaring.
“Yep and I have to say I can’t believe how fucking good you sound.”
“I’ll second that,” Charlie drawls, coming up with his arm around Mabe.
“Your voice gave me goose bumps,” she says giving me a hug, and I blush.
“Thank you but I really didn’t do much.”
“Yes you did,” she protests. “They sound so different with you there.” I shrug smiling and try not to look too obvious about looking over her shoulder to see where Sid is. However, I don’t need to look because a load of cheering sounds out and over the heads of people I see Bram roaming in with a very pretty Chinese girl hanging onto his arm, and behind him lopes Sid. He looks wonderful, his hair still wet and swept back over his forehead making those cerulean eyes seem bluer than ever. He’s wearing another pair of disreputable jeans which are so old he must be holding them together with willpower. They’re teamed with a deep blue, long sleeved Henley worn over a white t-shirt, but it’s his expression that catches my eye. The earlier euphoria is gone, replaced with what looks very much like diffidence. This disappears instantly to be replaced by shy pleasure when he’s surrounded by a wall of blokes slapping him on the back and welcoming him back. He looks so stunned and relieved that I have to fight back tears because I’m so pleased for him, and I turn away to hide my expression only to find Charlie looking at me closely. Our glances mesh for a second and then he gives me a smile which I’ve never seen him use before with anyone outside his close circle. I open my mouth to say God knows what but he just pats me on the shoulder and moves away to be buried under a wave of congratulations.
Confused I stand for a second and then, feeling a bit awkward standing alone, I head over to the bar. “What can I get you sweetheart?” the barman asks and I smile.
“Gin and Tonic please.” I smile my thanks when he hands it over.
“You part of this?” He gives me one of those practised up and down looks that only really good man whores can manage, and I smile wryly at him.
“Only for a bit,” I reply, and I’m struck with a twinge of sadness but I push it away and resolve just to enjoy myself.
“You must be something to do with the music business though,” he persists, leaning over the bar at me.
“She is,” comes a familiar, curt voice behind me and I feel a wave of heat hit my back as Sid leans in close behind me, caging me in with his arms. He looks over at the barman. “I’ll have what she’s got,” he says. “No, you know what, we’ll share,” and with a challenging glance at the man he turns my glass until he’s at the point where my lips met the glass, and then deliberately raises it to his lips. I’m dimly aware of the barman shaking his head and moving away but I’m too consumed with the deliberate sensuousness of what Sid just did. Watching his strong throat work as he swallows the drink, I’m submerged in a wave of heat. He puts the glass down with a deliberateness that is obvious and looking up I find my eyes tangling with his. A drop of the drink clings to his full lower lip and I have to clench my fists to stop myself reaching up and sucking it off.
“You drank my drink,” I turn within the circle of his arms and say mock indignantly, trying for a lighter note. However, he says nothing, just stares at me for a second and then reaching up he pushes back a strand of my hair that has fallen forward and tucks it behind my ear. His fingers linger and a trail of fire passes over my skin as he caresses my cheek. I shudder and something brings him back and he shakes himself slightly and stands back.
“You were great tonight,” he says abruptly.
“Thank you. You were brilliant too.” For a second we stand awkwardly. I have so much that I want to say to him. It always seems like I have so many conversations that I want to have with him that there’s never enough time, and then I think fuck it. “Was it hard?”
He doesn’t make any pretence of not knowing what I’m talking about and shrugs. “Yeah. I didn’t think it was going to be. In fact I’d not given a thought to it to be honest. I mean I’ve been playing on stages since I was fifteen so why would it be? But then when I got out there I realised that I hadn’t actually been myself since I was twenty. That’s so fucking stupid isn’t it?” he says with a slightly bitter expression.
“Not really.”
“No? Because I’ve been fucked off my face for most of my twenties Nell. I don’t remember any of the details of my life for eight years. I don’t remember how many people I hurt or let down. I can’t remember their faces or recall their names. I can’t even remember buying my house or half the funny stuff that the other lads remember. It’s all one big disassociated blur. That’s some fucked up shit right there isn’t it?”
I opt for honesty because I’m too stunned by his to offer any platitudes. “Yes it’s fucked up. I hate that you’ve let so many years go by without you knowing. I hate that you chose to put that shit inside you.” He looks ashamed but I catch his arm and shake it, registering the warm firmness of it and almost unconsciously running my fingernails down the prominent veins that run down the back of his forearm. He shudders wildly like there’s an electric current running down his arm and his eyes darken. I trail down and finding his hand I give it a squeeze to get his attention. “But it isn’t all bad Sid because you’ve got to remember one thing. You’re clean now. Stay clean and learn your lesson and remember it for the rest of your life. Keep your memories clean and safe from now on and don’t be stupid again.”
He sighs heavily. “I suppose that’s it then now,” he says, trying for lightness. “I’ve bared my soul to you. Now you’ll be fetching me blankets and drinks and looking at me sideways for the rest of my life like everyone else.”
I laugh sharply. “You’re a strong man Sid I can see that straightaway, and you’re forgetting one thing.” He looks at me queryingly. “I’ve known about you and the drugs since before I met you.” He looks at me almost surprised and I nod emphatically. “I’ve always known and I’ve never treated you any differently have I?” He shakes his head, an arrested look on his face. “I, more than anyone appreciate the strength of character that it takes to get clean, so I’m not treating you like you’re weak. I think you’re fucking brave.” His head jerks back in surprise and he stares at me and I smile. “Anyway, I happen to think that if anyone should be fetching drinks and blankets it’s you mate, and for me, because I’m one fucking brilliant backing singer.” He laughs out loud at this holding his side and to our right I see Bram look at him arrested for a second before smiling and turning back to his current lady.
Recovering himself Sid leans on the side of the bar looking at me in a wondering sort of way. He lifts up his hand and catches my escaping hair again but this time his fingers linger and he leans closer. “Nell,” he says in a dark chocolate voice and I can’t help myself and I lean forward almost like he’s a magnet. His eyes shine brilliantly and he grabs my hand care
ssing my fingers. “Would you …” he starts to say but he’s interrupted by a very posh, crystal clear voice.
“Hello Sid darling. Long time no see.”
Looking up I see a tall, beautiful brunette standing next to us staring at Sid’s hand holding mine. She’s dressed in a scarlet dress that ends several inches above her knee and clings to her slender body. Her hair is long and thick, her cheekbones are high and she has amazing golden brown eyes, but she’s thin to the point of emaciation and her eyes are fevered. Despite this she’s one of the most beautiful women that I’ve ever seen and standing next to her I feel like a dowdy midget. I can almost feel Sid’s attention drift away from me even before he drops my hand without a second glance, and I don’t need to hear his hoarse ‘Leah’ to know that this is the love of his life. I open my mouth to say I don’t know what, but I’m stunned speechless when he just grabs her hand and walks away from me without a second glance backwards. For a second I just stand there too hurt and stunned to move. All that connection and spark and he just leaves me here in the middle of the room without a second thought. A warm hand curves around my arm and draws my attention away from the place in the crowd that Sid disappeared into, and I turn to see Bram smiling at me kindly.
“Come on love,” he says and his accent seems suddenly deeper as though he’s covering up some deeper emotion. “Come and have a drink Nell.” He draws me to the table where Charlie and Seth are sitting, and I redden slightly at the knowledge that they had a front row seat to my humiliation.
Charlie pats the seat next to Mabe. “Sit down babe,” he says firmly and then when I’m settled and have accepted the drink he hands me, he turns to Seth. “Where the fuck did they go?”
Seth hums and pats him on the shoulder. “They’ve not gone far I think. Bram’s gone to have a look.”
At this point Bram slides in next to me dismissing the cloying attention of his girl with a dismissive, ‘Not now darling’. He turns back to Charlie. “They’re over there by the fire exit. She’s all over him and talking away, likely full of her usual sack of lying shit.”
“Leah, Leah pants on fire,” Charlie says lightly, but his gaze is scorching. “Fucking stupid twat had better not tie his dick back to that wasted cunt again.” Mabe stirs next to him and slides her arms round him at which point he relaxes slightly.
“He’ll be fine sweetheart,” she soothes. “Just give him the benefit of the doubt.”
I feel so out of place it’s unbelievable. No matter how much they treat me as if I’m one of them I’m not, and I know that it isn’t right for me to be part of this intense, family conversation. I get to my feet and gather my coat from where I slung it over a chair. They all break off and look at me. “I’m going to go,” I say and then smile at their protestations. “No really, I’ve got to go. It’s late and I’ve got to teach tomorrow morning.” This is a total lie but they’re not to know it.
Graciously accepting it, Charlie helps me on with my coat. “I’ll come with you and put you in a cab.”
“No, no,” I say desperately. I’m close to crying and I really can’t take any more unspoken sympathy. I feel a bit raw, like my emotions are visible. “My dad’s on his way to fetch me.” This is a total lie because I haven’t seen my dad in ten years, so if he’s on his way he’s taken a wrong turn somewhere, but they don’t know this either, and finally accepting my lies they hug and kiss me and say that they’ll see me at the next gig.
Five minutes later I’m outside breathing in the cold night air with relief and letting it dry the blurred water in my eyes. I draw my coat around me already feeling the cold get into my bones, and wander down the road. Now that I think about it I don’t think that I’ve got the money for a taxi, so I’m just going to have to walk to the nearest station and catch the tube because I’ve got my oyster card in my bag.
I walk for about ten minutes when the sound of clear voices on the night air draws my attention and I wander down a side street to see a group of carol singers gathered in the warm lights emitting from a cluster of small shops and a pub. There are about ten of them – six women and four men, and they’re wrapped up against the wind, singing away as I draw nearer. I love Christmas and carols. Even though cheer was studiously missing from our house when we were little, my mum always took Sam and I to midnight mass, and just the sound of the old familiar melodies takes me back and I suddenly miss Sam so much that it hurts. If he were here now he’d laugh and hug me and say, ‘Fuck him Nelly. He’s not worth it sweetheart.’ I shiver violently and hold my arms tight against me feeling more alone than I ever have since he died, but then a hand grasps my arm and I’m drawn back against the warmth of a familiar body. I stiffen and fight the embrace until turning I sigh when I see Sid. He’s breathless as if he’s run all the way here, and he’s thrown on a black hoody over which he’s wearing an olive green Element parka. His hair is squashed under a black beanie showing off his beautiful eyes which are currently tight with worry and a hint of trepidation.
“Jesus Christ Nell, what the fuck are you doing?” he says loudly and then quietens when an old lady and her husband shush him crossly. I push his hands off me and embrace the rage that’s coursing through me.
“Why are you here?”
“Because you fucking walked off on your own in the middle of London at night, you idiot.”
“Don’t call me an idiot,” I hiss, smiling apologetically at the old couple who are now dividing their attention between us and the carol singers. “I can do what I want and if I want to walk naked through London at three in the morning then I’m going to do it and it’s got nothing to do with you.”
His lips twitch and I know that he’s trying not to smile. “Nell, I will never complain if you want to walk around naked, but you’ve got to know that I’m going to be following you with your coat for when you get cold.”
“Why?” I ask in exasperation. “Why are you so bothered?”
“I don’t know,” he whispers. “I don’t know why, but I am. Please Nell, promise me that you won’t be so careless again. Don’t go off on your own.”
“I’m surprised you noticed,” I say waspishly and then curse myself when I feel him tense. That sounded way too spurned lover for my taste, and I open my mouth to try and mitigate it but he interrupts me.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I didn’t mean to be so rude Nell.” I snort and he pinches my arm lightly in punishment. “I am sorry,” he says more loudly now. “That thing with Leah wasn’t what you thought.” The old lady harrumphs and I look at her.
“I’m with you on that one,” I say to her and she huffs and then moves away, dragging her husband with her and leaving us to stand in silence. Suddenly I can’t help myself and I give a violent shiver because the temperature has dropped just while we’ve been standing here. He exclaims and then almost hesitantly he draws me backwards to lean against him. I stiffen and try to pull away but he’s firm and won’t give up, until in the end I relent and lean against him, relishing the toasty heat that he always seems to give off.
“Fucking coat,” he mutters, running his hands over the threadbare material of my coat. We lapse into silence, finally paying attention to the voices of the singers which rise in the cold air. They’re singing ‘We Wish You a Merry Christmas’ which always reminds me of being at school and we listen for a minute until he stirs meditatively. “You know I never realised it before but when you think about it this carol isn’t so much an ode to the Baby Jesus. It’s actually just a shakedown over Christmas pudding.”
I can’t help it and I let out an enormous snort of laughter and then we collapse into each other laughing our heads off much to the displeasure of the crowd. Finally recovering himself Sid throws what looks very much like a couple of hundred quid into the tin and we wander off. Our laughter dying we walk in silence for a minute until he reaches over and threads his arm through mine. “What are your plans for Christmas?” he asks conversationally, and I can’t help but tense slightly and he must feel i
t because he shoots me a sharp look.
“Oh, just family stuff,” I lie valiantly. “We’ll probably just have a quiet Christmas.”
“What family will be there?” he asks cautiously.
“Me, and my mum and Molly.”
“Molly?”
“My brother’s girlfriend.” He must sense that I’m not going to say anything more because we walk on silently again.
“You know we’re doing Christmas at my house this year,” he offers after a few minutes.
“You cooking?” I smile because I’ve been told that Sid can burn water.
“Fuck no!” he says in horror and smiles at me when I laugh. “No, Mick’s going to cook.”
“He looks like he’d be a good cook.”
He shoots me a sly look. “Is that because he’s carrying a bit of weight Nell? Shame on you.”
“No it’s not … Oh I’m not being drawn into this conversation,” I laugh.
“Anyway, we’ll all be there – Charlie and Mabe, Seth and Lucy.” He grimaces and I smile. “Bram and whoever is filling his bed on Christmas Eve.”
“That’s a bit of a lottery.”
“Not sure he’s much of a jackpot.” We both laugh and then he tugs me to a stop and turns me to face him. His face is earnest and kind and so beautiful I almost can’t look at him. “What I’m trying to say is that we’ll all be there and I’d love it if you wanted to come.”
“Oh I don’t know,” I start, but he shushes me.
“Even if it’s just for a drink or you want to stay for the meal, just please bear it in mind. You know if the whole Christmas family shit gets too much.” He says this delicately and I know that I’ve not covered up as much as I’d thought. I obviously need to work on my game face more I think as he shows me a piece of paper with his address scrawled on it and pushes it into my pocket.
“Thank you Sid.” I grasp both of his hands in mine and squeeze feeling the same heat as before. For a second he looks at our hands and I could swear he feels the same, but then he clears his expression and looks at me.