by Lily Morton
I laugh. “Really, granddad? You rock stars should come with some sort of disclaimer, warning us that reality doesn’t always live up to the pretty package.”
Sid grabs me, tickling me unmercifully until I’m almost on my knees while he shouts out something about showing me what his pretty package can do, which is how the truly appalled middle aged couple find us when the lift doors open. I have to say that the half an hour spent while Sid attempts to explain this to security are well worth it, and if I use my phone to video it for the boys no one should think badly of me.
Sid
The next day I sit in our suite, idly watching TV while Charlie talks to Bill who has turned up from London, or hell, or wherever he currently resides, when Bram slouches into the seat next to me. “Did you speak to him about the fan mail?” he asks, and I nod towards the corner of the room where ten bulging sacks are resting.
“The rest are on the way according to Mona.”
“What did you say?”
“I said that it wasn’t his responsibility to tell the girls to fob off fans with a photo and a stamped autograph. The fans are the reason that we’re here and incidentally why the balding twat can afford Hugo Boss suits and Barker shoes.”
He laughs and then glares at Bill. “I fucking hate that. I actually like answering the letters. Makes me feel like a real rock star you know?”
I smile because I do. All those years as kids dreaming big I’d treasured a letter that I got from David Bowie that had been truly gracious. “I’m just glad that Mona let us know.”
“Did you tell her that she’s in charge of dealing with this from now on?”
“I did. I also raised her money.”
He smirks. “Bet he wasn’t happy about that.”
I stare at Bill considering. “He thinks the money belongs to him. I’ve seen it happen before. He thinks he runs us, but actually he wasn’t as bothered about it as I thought he would be. He’s up to something. He’s way too happy for one of Satan’s handmaidens.”
Bram laughs, and then obviously tired of the subject of Bill he looks around the suite. “Where are the girls?”
“Well unless they’re lying under the table together they’re not here,” I say sarcastically, and then regret it when he turns a face full of delight towards me. “No, no,” I head him off straightaway. “They’ve gone shopping.”
He looks slightly disappointed by this boring fact and then rallies. “We could watch some porn.”
I choke on my coffee and look at the clock. “It’s ten o’ fucking clock in the morning. That’s actually a bit deviant watching porn this early. Sort of takes you into grubby old raincoat man territory.”
“It fucking does not,” he says indignantly before catching my smile at which he raises a finger at me. “Whatever, twat. I’ve got to get it while I can, seeing as the last time I watched it with your woman she spoilt it for me.”
“My woman watched porn with you?” I say slowly, feeling a chill run down my back and attempting not to talk through my teeth. “I’d love to hear about this.”
Seth slides onto the arm of the sofa. “Think you’d better tread carefully mate,” he warns Bram who looks so horrified I’m immediately appeased.
“Fuck no Sid, she’s like a sister to me you know that. It’s just that I was watching it on the bus the other day and she came and sat down right fucking next to me.”
Seth and I exchange looks. “Was she embarrassed?” he asks carefully.
“Was she fuck? She just sat there asking me all these fucking questions about which one was married to which one, and then criticizing their haircuts and underwear. I had to tell her in the end that it wasn’t fucking ‘EastEnders’.”
I smirk. “She was playing you.” Seth laughs and Bram looks bemused.
“Do you think so? Honestly, that’s a bit of a relief because I thought I’d got her hooked on it or put her off sex for life. Mind you having sex with you is probably enough to do that. Still I don’t think she was playing me. She’s too sweet for that.”
“Did you carry on watching it?” Seth asks.
“No.”
“So what happened then?”
“I put that fucking real housewives of shit county on that she likes.” I burst out laughing and Bram sags. “She was fucking playing me,” he gripes.
“Don’t take it personally,” I say lightly. “She’s just cleverer than you.”
He nods contemplatively. “Actually mate that’s the truth. She’s probably cleverer than all of us.” Then he looks at me utterly seriously which doesn’t happen a lot with Bram, because he likes to keep reality hidden under jocularity. “Clever or not Sid, she’s a keeper you do know that don’t you?” I see Seth nod seriously and I nod slowly. “I mean it,” he says. “All the fucking girls that you’ve been with, this is the only one that I’ll ever be mad at you for fucking up. She’s an absolute diamond and she cares for you.”
I swallow hard thinking of last night, not just the red hot lift sex which had far surpassed anything that I’ve ever known, but afterwards when we had curled up in bed together talking softly, and this morning when I woke up to find that she’d nipped out to buy me an expresso and fresh croissants from my favourite bakery round the corner from the hotel. I know that I need to speak to her and soon, and tell her that circumstances have changed and we’re no longer casual.
In truth I don’t think we ever have been. I’m not letting her go because despite all my misgivings about myself, I can’t let her go. It hurts me to even think of not seeing her bright head nestled against my shoulder and her clear, curious, warm gaze that always softens when she sees me, as if she sees something different from what the rest of the world does. As if she sees the me that fell apart years ago, that unknown to her she’s slowly rebuilding bit by bit.
Something of what I’m thinking must show on my face because both Seth and Bram relax subtly and I realise to my amazement how much she’s crept right into the heart of the band. We’re an insular group by nature. We’ve had too many betrayals and people selling us out not to be, but something in her has relaxed us enough to let her in. I realise with a sudden certainty that this is it. She’s it for me and there will never be another like her. If I let her go I will never again feel this confused mess of happiness and abject terror that she inspires in me, and while a part of me misses the old numbness I can’t regret the fact that I feel truly alive for the first time in years, if not ever. I tense suddenly, absolutely certain that I should tell her now, find her and take her in my arms and tell her what she means to me. Tell her that I lo…. I become aware of Charlie and Bill hovering over me, Bill with a piece of paper in his hand.
“What?” I ask sharply, dimly registering that Charlie is pale and looks worried, while Bill almost looks like he’s going to come in his pants. That’s when I know that it’s something that’s going to hit me hard. That’s the only thing that really makes the prick happy at the moment.
“Sid,” Charlie says almost reluctantly. “Bill’s come into some information that he thinks you should look at.”
“Don’t speak for him Charlie. Let him speak for himself.” I see Bill smile slightly and just like that I feel myself tense.
“Sid, it pains me to bring this information to you but you need to know. When I first met Miss Slater I thought that I recognised her.”
I know my teeth are bared and I half rise off the sofa but Bram grabs me holding onto my shoulder. “Get on with it Bill,” he says sharply. “I don’t like the way you’re dragging this on, so speed up man or I’ll speed you up myself.” I listen to his words, a part of me grateful that as ever he stands up for me. However, the other part is waiting for the blow that’s Bill’s about to deliver.
He hands over the piece of paper. “I did some digging and found out that she’s actually been deceiving you all for quite a while now.”
Charlie stirs, his gaze trying to communicate something urgently to me as I delay looking at the words that I know are
going to kill me. “She hasn’t deceived us,” he says clearly. “She just didn’t share something that was obviously hideously painful for her. That’s not deception, that’s just self -preservation.”
Bill sneers. “Well that’s just you Charlie. You’re obviously more charitable than I. I tend to look on it as lying and exposing you all to a lot of gossip, particularly due to the circumstances of the death and the fact that it’s becoming known outside our circle that Sid’s seeing her, a fact that I would have advised both parties to conceal.” He drones on, all teeth and words, but at the mention of death my eyes drop to the paper. It’s a photocopy of an old article from The Sun, dated three years ago with the headline ‘Kaleidoscope Guitarist Dies from Overdose’, and my heart sinks as I read it.
It was confirmed this morning that Sam Slater the lead guitarist for the Brit Award winning band Kaleidoscope, has died from a suspected heroin overdose. Mr Slater and his girlfriend Molly Irving, who also overdosed, were discovered by Mr Slater’s twin sister Eleanor in bed at his home in North London.
Miss Slater is the lead vocalist of the band. It is understood that she had become anxious when her calls went unanswered and went to her brother’s house to investigate. Upon finding the couple she called for help, and then with the aid of a friend proceeded to try to resuscitate them, but their efforts were to no avail and Mr Slater was pronounced dead at the scene. His girlfriend is understood to be in a medically induced coma at The Royal London Hospital.
The news strikes what must be a terminal blow to the band, whose star has steadily risen over the last two years, culminating in their winning Best Breakthrough Act at this year’s Brit Awards. The band was formed by the brother and sister and they have become known for their topical and humorous lyrics penned by the siblings, and had just announced a sold out UK tour.
Underneath the starry exterior however, it has long been known in certain circles that Mr Slater had a serious drug problem. He had been in and out of rehab several times over the last two years but nothing had worked, and last week rumours circulated that Miss Slater had issued him with an ultimatum, stating that he would be removed from the band if he didn’t sober up. It is understood that the previously close siblings had a furious row and were not on speaking terms at the time of his death.
It is uncertain whether the band will be able to continue with the loss of one of its founding members, or indeed whether Miss Slater will wish to continue with it after such a profound loss.
When I finish reading a distant part of my mind notices that my hand is shaking like I’ve got palsy. I can’t stand the idea that she had a fucking twin and that by her trying to do the right thing for him it had resulted in them not speaking before his death. Life is so fucking unfair sometimes and she’s such an amazingly brave girl. Part of me weeps that she went through that on her own, and wishes that I had known her then so that I could have helped her and been at her side.
However, another part of me, the dark, cynical side, knows that I couldn’t have helped her anyway because at that point in time I was the exact same fucking druggie that her brother had been, and it’s this reality that is tearing my insides apart. How can she have stood to be with me and care for me when she knows my reality, that I’m no better than her brother?
I feel Bram reach over and tug the paper out of my hands and I vaguely realise that Seth is escorting Bill out, but then I feel the familiar weight of Charlie’s arm around my shoulders.
“I knew I recognised her,” I hear myself say distantly. “Not surprising though that I couldn’t be sure, seeing as I was fucked off my face most of the time then. Shame he and I never knew each other, we’d have had some fucked up nights out.”
“Don’t Sid,” he warns. “I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong.”
“I’m the same as him Charlie.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes I am and you know it. How can I be involved with her? How can we be together when she’ll forever have to live with the knowledge that I could relapse any day? How the fuck can I do that to her of all people?”
“You’re not like that anymore. That life won’t touch her.”
“Really? Were you in that hotel room in Milan with me a few weeks ago? Did you see what I brought into her life?”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“Don’t Charlie. According to you nothing ever is my fault.”
“Sid, some things have been but that wasn’t. Please don’t end this. You’ve been so happy lately it’s been amazing, like seeing you the way that you should always have been. The way that I’m determined you’re fucking going to be.”
“Maybe I’m not meant to be happy Charlie. You can’t fight fate. Maybe this is my punishment.”
“Bullshit. Nobody’s punishing you,” he says in a steely voice. “They’ll have to go through me first.”
I smile wearily. “You can’t live for me Charlie. I have to do that myself. Maybe giving her up is my reparation for all of the truly shitty things that I’ve done.”
“You love her?” Bram says sadly and I nod.
“Of course I do. I couldn’t have found someone more perfect for me if I’d written out a request, but I’m not good for her and bottom line that’s the most essential thing for me. She has to be happy.”
“I still don’t see why you have to finish it,” Bram urges. “She’s everything that you’ve ever wanted. Fuck, you’ve finally found someone who is worthy of you and your stupid loyalty, and you’re fucking her off for some stupid notion of honour.” He pauses, looking for inspiration. “Maybe she’s the universe’s reparation for the shitty time that you’ve had.”
I’m touched by their loyalty. “I made the times shitty all by myself, and if there’s a chance that I’ll drag her down into that filth again I can’t keep her with me. How can I give her a good life when I can’t even give her the basic foundation of security? She’ll always be waiting for me to fuck up.” Charlie sighs and opens his mouth to try another argument but I’ve had enough. “Please let me do this. For once just let me do the best thing.”
Reluctantly he nods. “What will you do mate? She’s a good girl and she’s loyal as fuck. She won’t just go.”
“Well, I’ll just have to show her that I’m not good and I’m not remotely worthy of her. I’ll have to push her away.”
Charlie and Bram both look like their dogs have just died but I’ve got no more room for them at this moment. I need to be alone and sensing it they leave, Charlie reluctantly, because I know a little part of him still fears what I’ll do when I’m too down. I think he’ll always have this fear and that reinforces my decision over Nell. I won’t do that to her too.
I wish passionately that I could have made different decisions years ago. Nobody tells you that the repercussions of what you do when you’re young sometimes aren’t felt until years later when it’s truly going to hurt you. Like nature is just waiting to pay you back by backhanding you when you least expect it, but I don’t think that the young me would ever have taken notice of warnings anyway because I thought I was invincible back then.
When the door closes behind them I start to pace back and forwards tunnelling my hands through my hair repeatedly. It’s the gesture I think that finishes me off because it’s the way that I always was when I needed to score, and it’s this sudden sordid flashback after feeling so clean with her that snaps my control, and picking up a chair I hurl it through the plasma television. The explosion of glass and sparks doesn’t move me - I don’t think there’s anything left now inside me to feel. All I know is that I have to steel myself and hurt the one person in my life that I would cheerfully die for. If anyone else did this to her I would kill them, and the only way that I’m going to get through it is with the knowledge that this is the best for her. She can’t be allowed to throw herself away on somebody that’s so obviously not worth it.
Thirteen
Mabe flicks through the racks of clothing in the designer matern
ity shop that we’ve wandered into, exclaiming over the prices while Viv and I stare at her. “I’m unsure what the problem is Mabe,” Viv finally says. “Charlie has sent you out with the express purpose of buying clothes to make you feel good. Charlie is as rich as Midas, and you’re acting like you’ve got to go to Matalan. Explain please.”
She shoots us a slightly embarrassed look. “I know it’s silly but I just don’t feel comfortable spending his money. It’s a bit too ‘Pretty Woman’ for me.”
Viv laughs. “Really, you are too fucking odd sometimes Mabe. He buys you stuff all the time.”
“I can cope with that because he’s chosen to do that. Going out with a pile of cash is a bit much.”
“It’s not a pile of cash Mabe, you sound like Madame X. It’s actually a very pretty, black American Express card. Also, I’ve heard Charlie say time and time again that it’s your money just as much as it’s his.”
Mabe snorts. “It is not. Charlie made that money and I’m just not comfortable sitting on my arse eating chocolate and internet surfing. I want him to see me as more.”
Viv hugs her. “He does. You’re everything to him Mabe, you must see that honey and let him do stuff for you.”
Mabe shoots me a flustered smile. “It’s actually bloody ridiculous. If I heard myself I’d want to kick myself in the face because there are real problems in the world.”
I smile at her. “Of course there are, it doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to worry over your stuff.”
“Exactly.” Viv is busily rifling through the racks of clothes. “Do you really want a repeat of the prenup argument?”
“Did you not want to sign one?” I ask cautiously. Most rich men have them and it seems to be a prerequisite of marriage for them nowadays.