“It’s not you that’s slated to die,” he said. “It’s someone you love.”
“Well, seeing as I only love myself, you’re wrong. Again,” I ground out.
Someone I loved? Ridiculous. I loved no one. Love was a weakness and I didn’t have those.
“You’re pathetic,” Apollo commented. “And you will listen. I’m not even sure what any of it means, but I feel compelled to share.”
“Fine. Share. I have places to be and things to do,” I snapped as a tremor of unease slithered down my spine.
The God of Knowledge closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath. His body began to glow a shimmering hue of gold and time seemed to stand still for a moment. There was a slight ringing in my ears and my skin grew chilled.
Apollo’s voice was low, hypnotic and musical. Gone was the cheater and the braggart. Before me now stood a powerful God in every sense of the word.
Shit. I really didn’t want to hear this right now. If I was going to bite it, so be it.
“I see water,” Apollo said. “Crystal blue, bloody water and sunshine. Tears and feral screams of agony.”
“My blood?” I questioned.
“Your screams,” he replied with his eyes still closed. “Some sort of celebration—not sure. It’s unfamiliar to me.”
“A wedding?”
“Possibly,” he said, nodding slowly. “The clothing is odd—quite off for a human nuptial unless it’s Pirate-themed.”
Fuck. He was seeing Pirate Doug’s wedding. The vision was accurate as far as where I was headed.
“What else?” I asked, tersely.
“Not much else,” he admitted. “I can’t actually visualize that the potential death is of someone you love, but I feel it, which is far more powerful than what I can see.”
“Here’s the deal,” I told him. “I am indeed going to an island wedding for a Pirate—not exactly as a guest—more like a crasher. Since I love no one, I don’t foresee any problems.”
“Is this the wedding of Poseidon’s son Pirate Doug?” Apollo asked, his brow wrinkled in concern.
Nodding, I wondered if I was the cause of the carnage or if there was an outside force. Without missing a beat, Apollo answered my unspoken thought.
“It’s not you—exactly.” He opened his eyes and stared hard at me. “I do believe its demons causing the death.”
“Are you fucking kidding?” I demanded. Why in Zeus’ Universe would fucking demons be at Pirate Doug’s wedding?
“Nope, I’m currently boinking a lovely Dragon named Meg. Although, I’m thinking of cutting her loose. She’s not into Garth Brooks. That’s a real problem for me.”
Ignoring his ludicrous admission, I steered the conversation back to the matter at hand. “Why would Hades send demons to Poseidon’s son’s wedding?”
“Not sure it’s Hades at all,” Apollo said. “It feels more like an abyss in the ocean might have opened due to the lack of love in the world at the moment.”
For the first time in thousands of years, I had nothing to say.
Was this my fucking fault? Had my lack of attention to my job opened an abyss, letting denizens from Hell slip through?
Apollo had to be wrong. The vision was blurry. All of this could be wildly inaccurate… or not.
“I don’t think you should go,” Apollo said. “It doesn’t bode well.”
In a fit of rage, I slammed my hands on Poseidon’s ornate desk and shattered it to pieces. The dossier fell to the orange sand, now littered with shards of pink marble. The pages fluttered and settled all over the ground like confetti—each page a different shade of green. But it wasn’t the paper that caught my attention and made my blood run cold. It was a picture.
A photograph of a breathtaking emerald haired Mermaid—my Mermaid.
“She’s quite lovely,” Apollo commented absently, picking the photograph up and examining it. “Do you know her?”
Ripping the eight by ten glossy from his hands, I stared at it. My heart began to beat so loudly in my chest that I was sure the bastard would hear it.
“Is this the one who dies?” I growled.
“Do you love her?”
“I love no one,” I shouted at him. “No one.”
“Then maybe she will be fine, but you should stay here.”
Picking up the pages and slipping them back into the folder, I took one last look at Misty’s face and knew exactly what I was going to do.
“She’s your replacement. This Misty is the new demigoddess of love and that’s who the demons want. My guess from the vision is they want to destroy Cupid—hence all love. As you’re no longer Cupid—for the moment—it’s a win-win for you. You stay here. This Misty person dies. Bing. Boom. Bam. You get your job back.”
My fury almost blinded me. Something I’d never experienced in all my thousands of years consumed me until the blood in my veins felt like fire coursing through my body. That’s when I punched Apollo so hard I was certain I’d broken my hand. There was no doubt that I’d shattered his nose and torn his lips open.
“Gods,” I growled as I picked him up off the ground and shook my head, trying to clear it. “I didn’t mean to do that. Not that rearranging your face isn’t normally amusing, but I couldn’t control myself. I’m sorry, Apollo.”
Apollo stared at me and slowly a smile pulled at his bloody mouth. “While I will take retribution when you least expect it, I accept your apology for now. And I’d suggest you leave and find your destiny—be it on this plane or another. Clearly you have a few things to untangle in that warped mind of yours. Gods’ speed, Cupid.”
With that, my longtime friend disappeared in a golden mist leaving me alone with my chaotic thoughts. I loved no one. I couldn’t. Love was a weakness. Vulnerability was for fools and humans. Eternity didn’t breed monogamy. Everything about love was nonsensical—not that I’d always believed that. In the beginning I regarded love as the most important truth—as the greatest gift one could receive.
Now? Now I believed love was a temporary myth.
However, I couldn’t deny the unfamiliar sensation inside me at the thought of Misty dying. Unacceptable. The emerald-haired Mermaid who occupied most of my waking thoughts was not going to die because demons thought she was Cupid.
Plus, I’d never gotten my kiss.
If they wanted Cupid, they were going to have to come for the real one.
Me.
Period.
The buzzing of the priceless emerald didn’t surprise me. However, the fact that I’d been carrying it in my pocket for fifty years still did. Little did the caller know I was within a few miles of her, but that was information I wasn’t prepared to share… yet.
“Yes?” I said, speaking to the jewel. “How can I help you, Sheena?”
“You’re a gaping asscrack,” she shouted. “What kind of imbecile are you to steal from the gods?”
“I’m sorry. What?” I asked as my grin widened. Her rudeness was positively invigorating. “What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about, Archer,” she hissed. “You stole that fat bastard baby’s magic and it got all over me. And then to make matters more horrifying, the diaper-wearing pickled assmonkey of the freakin’ Seven Seas saw it and now I’m supposed to take over for the arrow shooting chubby butthole of an infant. It is all kinds of bullshit and every kind of your fault.”
“I’m slightly confused here,” I said wondering what the hell she was talking about. “Clarify, Misty.”
“What did you just call me?” she screeched. “How do you know my name?”
“Is that really important right now?” I replied smoothly, covering my ass. This woman threw me off my game. Not good. “Seems to me you have bigger problems. And I still have no clue what you’re babbling about or why it’s my fault.”
“First off, I’m not babbling, jackwad,” she informed me as my pants grew uncomfortably tight at the thought of seeing her soon. “However, I can see how my explanation might hav
e been a little vague.”
“A little?” I inquired with a laugh.
“Shut it, Archer… and listen to me. I know you stole Cupid’s magic and now we’re both in huge trouble. I have to take over for the porcine toddler, which is total bullshit since I believe love is a stupid joke. And you… you’re gonna be in a butt load of hurt when the gods find out you stole the magic.”
Speechless was the only way to describe my state at the moment. How in Zeus’ warped world did she come up with this fucked up scenario?
“Are you still there?” she asked.
“I am,” I choked out, trying not to laugh.
“So here’s the deal. You’re going to return the magic to the potbellied, dimpled-assed, kinky-haired baby so this nightmare can be over. You feel me?”
“Umm… that might be a bit of a problem,” I said, trying hard to swallow her wildly inaccurate and insulting description of me.
“Did you use it all up?” she yelled, making me wince at her volume. “Sweet Poseidon on a bender at Happy Hour. If I have to take over for that chunky, tubby dwarf I’m gonna lose my debatably sane mind. Please tell me you didn’t use it all up and can return it.”
“I definitely didn’t use it all up,” I promised. “But returning it to the rightful owner is unnecessary.”
“Oh my starfish,” Misty bellowed. “You and your Johnson-man-tool are the biggest mistake I ever made. I hate your stupidly-good-looking guts and if I ever see your sorry ass again I will blast it straight to Hades—unless the pasty faced overweight nard gets to me first for stealing his fucking job.”
Well, that was something to look forward to…
“Listen to me, Misty. I’m coming to you right now.”
“No! You can’t.”
“And why is that?”
“Beeeecause, Poseidon is here. If he finds out you’re the one who pilfered Cupid’s magic, you’ll die.”
“And you care if I die?” I asked, feeling something unusual in my stomach. Was that fucking butterflies? Impossible.
“Well… yes,” Misty snapped. “If anyone gets to kill you, it’s gonna be me. Not some drunken Sea God and not some beer-bellied baby arrow shooter. Besides you don’t know where I live… or do you?”
“I’ll see you in fifteen minutes. Go to the beach.”
While she was still shouting obscenities at me and tearing me another impressive asshole, I ended the call. Misty, the gorgeous emerald-haired Mermaid, was in for a big surprise.
However, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was too.
5
Misty
“Nonononononono,” I chanted in a whisper as I sprinted around my suite like my feet were on fire. “Archer can’t come here. This is awful. If he dies, I’ll be so pissed at him. I mean, I’m already pissed at him, but I will be the mac daddy of pissed if that ass monkey bites it. What in the Seven Seas is he thinking?”
The hushed muttering was due to the fact Thornycraft had fallen asleep on my couch. I glanced over at my new buddy and calmed a bit. He was ridiculously adorable in his sleep. Well, he snored, but even that was kind of cute. I’d covered him up with a fluffy blanket and put a pillow beneath his fuzzy head. I’d also placed my stuffed Patrick starfish in his hands. The thousand year old Pirate latched onto the toy in his sleep like a small child. For some reason, the ancient idiot kind of broke my heart. The fact that he was ready to go after anyone gunning for me might have had something to do with my affectionate feelings for him, but there was more.
Thornycraft was sweet and kind. He was also an arse and not real stellar in the brains department, but that was part of his charm. Even though I was aware he possessed very powerful magic, I had no idea what kind of immortal being he was. Yet somehow I felt motherly towards the little shit. Whatever. I wasn’t going to fight it. I needed friends and apparently so did he.
“Swimmin’ Hooker,” Thornycraft said in a groggy voice as he sat up from his nap still clutching my stuffed animal. “Are ye okay?”
“Umm… no—not exactly.”
“Did the fat arsed little person show up and try to eighty-six ye?” he asked, jumping to his feet and glancing around wildly. “I’ll send the scallywag to Davy Jones’ locker faster than ye can blink yer eye. He’ll be dancin’ the hempen jig. Where is he?”
“It’s not Cupid,” I quickly assured my new BFF. “It’s the other dude.”
“Johnson-man-tool?” he asked.
“Yesssssssss,” I said, pulling on my wild green locks. “He says he’s on his way here which is all kinds of not good. If Poseidon sees him, he’s a goner.”
Thornycraft tilted his head to the side and grinned. “Methinks ye might like Johnson-man-tool.”
“I do not like him,” I insisted. “I just don’t want him to die.”
“And why’s that, little hooker?”
He had me there. I really didn’t know. What I did know was that the world would be a much less interesting place without Archer in it. However, that didn’t mean I liked him.
“I don’t have time to figure that out right now,” I snapped. “The jackhole said to meet him on the beach in fifteen minutes.”
“Well, then, we’d better get to the beach to greet yer Johnson-man-tool. Better us than Poseidon… or Gods forbid, that fat-arsed, galley-hoppin’, cutlass-flappin’ bilge-wanker,” he said, putting his tricorn on his head and smoothing out the outfit I’d conjured for him.
“Wait. What?” I asked completely perplexed. Since I wasn’t fluent in Pirate, I wasn’t quite sure what he’d actually said.
“Let’s get to yer Johnson-man-tool before Cupid does,” Thornycraft interpreted himself for me.
“Sweet hell and seashells,” I gasped out. “You’re right. Let’s go!”
The bright midmorning sun beat down on my head, yet I felt chilled to the bone. My silky sea green sarong brushed my bare legs in the breeze and my jeweled bikini top sparkled in the sunlight. I’d even quickly put on some pale peach lip-gloss and emerald earrings before we’d left my suite. Thornycraft had been smart enough not to comment. He’d seen me in action when I was pissed too many times.
At least I’d had my wits about me enough to magically conjure up a bunch of shark infested water signs. The paying human guests skedaddled off the beach so fast it made me giggle. Thankfully the rest of my family and soon-to-be family were busy with wedding preparations. The beach was deserted except for Thornycraft and me.
“Do ye think the pontoon splinter is gonna return the stolen enchantment to the bulbous baby?” Thornycraft asked as he scanned the ocean with his spyglass.
“He said it wasn’t necessary,” I told him as I too scanned the horizon.
My stomach was in knots. I’d had secret fantasies about Archer coming to the Mystical Isle for decades, but they didn’t include hiding from Poseidon and potentially having to take on a furious Cupid.
“Is he an eejit?” Thornycraft questioned logically.
“Yep. A complete butt waffle eejit,” I confirmed.
“Noted,” my buddy said. “Ahoy Hooker! I see the rapscallion on the horizon comin’ in fast.”
I looked out across the water and saw nothing. “Give me that,” I said, grabbing the spyglass. Sure enough Archer was headed right toward us.
Wait. What in the seahorse was he riding?
“Is he riding a dolphin?” I questioned, handing the spyglass back to Thornycraft.
“Aye,” he said with a chuckle as he peered into his telescope. “Johnson-man-tool is indeed riding a dolphin.”
“What kind of self-respecting immortal rides a freakin’ dolphin?” I muttered.
“Well, me guess would be a landlubber,” Thornycraft surmised with a laugh. “Mebbe the tool can’t swim.”
“Well, that would certainly suck,” I said, shaking my head.
“Why does that bother ye, little Hooker?”
“Because then he wouldn’t be able to fro…” I slapped my hand over my mouth before I said frolic in the ocean wit
h me.
I didn’t want to frolic in the ocean with Archer. I simply wanted to boink him occasionally and not know his freakin’ name. But those days were over. He’d proved himself too stupid to live by stealing Cupid’s magic. No more boinking for us… unless we could fit a quickie in before the two-ton-toddler attacked.
Nope. No boinking Archer. Archer was my enemy. He refused to give the magic back to the bulbous baby therefore he was on the shit list. However, I still didn’t want him to die. Suffer a little… but not die.
“Are ye gonna hide the thievin’ scoundrel?” Thornycraft asked.
“Nope,” I replied, wiggling my fingers and warming up my hands in preparation for an ass blast of epic proportions. “I’m gonna zap the shit out of him and send him packing.”
“Because ye like him and want to keep the cargo thievin’ stern fouler safe?” the Pirate asked, biting back a smile.
“Yes. NO,” I shouted, giving Thornycraft the evil eyeball. “Because I don’t like him and want to keep him safe. There is a distinct difference.”
“Aye,” he said with a naughty little smirk. “Would ye like to give the cutlass flappin’ fish stink a nice welcome to the Mystical Isle?”
“What exactly do you have in mind?” I asked, giggling at the look on his face and his insulting description of Archer.
“Ye can communicate with the dolphins?”
“I can. As a matter of fact the local pod owes me a favor.”
“Then mebbe ye should find out if Johnson-man-tool can swim with the fishies. Mebbe that thar dolphin is tired of carrying a flounderin’ barrel bellied son of a sea slug on his back.”
“I like the way you think, Thornycraft,” I said with a laugh.
Closing my eyes and zoning in on the underwater sound waves, I located the exact creature I was looking for. With a wave of my hand and a silent request, the pilfering nard went flying off the dolphin with a stream of delightful expletives. It was awesome. He hit the water like a drunk human doing a belly flop off the high dive.
Misty's Mayhem Page 5