Most of the lifetime-pass holders flew as they always had, except that they flew a little more often now that flying was easy and prepaid. Unfortunately for American Airlines, a handful of pass holders enjoyed life in first class so much that they began using their passes far more than the airline had bargained for—some flew as often as 20 times a month, often to no particular destination, for no particular purpose. Pass holders flew across country just to have a sandwich in a favorite restaurant—not once, not a few times, but hundreds of times, each time taking up a seat (or two with the companion pass) that American could have sold for many hundreds of dollars to another traveler. One man flew his daughter from Dallas to London, England, to buy soap. They were in London for less than an hour.
Ronald McDonaldov? At its opening in 1990, the Moscow McDonald’s served 30,000 people.
TAKING ADVANTAGE
Why pay for meals and lodging when eating and sleeping on a plane was essentially free? If passengers wanted to spend five nights in Paris, they could book five round-trip flights in a row. If they were getting fat off all that steak and lobster in first class, they could book the companion seat and leave it empty to create extra space.
If the family of a pass holder was planning to visit Mexico over the holidays, the pass holder could book as many flights as needed to rack up enough frequent flier miles to fly everyone to Mexico for free. One such holder who lost his job created a new career for himself: selling his companion seat and escorting buyers anywhere in the world they wanted to go. Had he or any other lifetime pass holder become homeless, there was nothing to stop them from living on American Airlines planes almost full-time.
CRASH LANDING
For years, American Airlines management had known that a handful of lifetime pass holders were getting the better of them, but just how much better only become apparent when a 2007 audit revealed that the worst offenders were costing the airline over $1 million in lost revenue a year, every year, for tickets purchased for $400,000, twenty-six years earlier. One man had logged more than 40 million miles, the equivalent of flying all the way to Mars on the airline’s dime.
He might have flown back from Mars, too, had American not changed the terms of the deal without notifying pass holders. Suddenly selling the companion seat was against the rules. So was the common practice of booking it under a false name, such as “Empty Seat Smith,” and leaving it empty for extra room.
In 2008 American used these and other technicalities to confiscate several AAirpasses on grounds of “fraud,” then sued their owners to recover millions in “stolen” revenue. Some of the jilted pass holders have filed countersuits to get their passes back, but as of August 2012, the lawsuits are all on hold. Reason: On November 29, 2011, American Airlines filed for bankruptcy.
First U.S. president to have his picture taken: John Quincy Adams (1843).
CROAKERS & SOAKERS
Who says you can’t talk like a pro bowler, even if you don’t bowl like one? Learn these expressions and you’ll sound like a champ on your next trip to the lanes. Steeee–rike!
Clean Game: A game with a strike (10 pins knocked down with one ball) or spare (two balls) in each frame.
Reading the Lane: Studying how your ball performs in an unfamiliar lane, in order to adjust your play and improve your score.
Benchmark Ball: A “starter” ball used to read the lane.
In the Zone: Able to read the lane, and bowl accordingly. Someone who can’t read the lane is said to be “lost.”
Yahtzee: Five strikes in a row.
7-Up: Seven strikes in a row.
Clothesline: Four pins in a single line, either the 1–2–4–7 pins or the 1–3–6–10 pins.
Late 10: When the 10-pin is last to fall (and slow to do it).
Help: A pin that bounces off the side wall of the lane and knocks down more pins on the return.
Gripper/Pincher/Squeezer: Someone who holds the ball too tight.
Cranker: A bowler who throws a lot of hooks and relies on speed and power to knock down the pins.
Stroker: A bowler who throws straight, non-hooked balls, emphasizing accuracy over speed and power.
Croaker: A bowler whose throws fall somewhere in between crankers and strokers. (Also called a “tweener.”)
Soaker: A ball soaked in chemical solvents to give it a softer surface and better hooking ability. (Illegal for league and tournament play.)
Boomer: A powerful cranker.
Brickyard/Graveyard: A lane or bowling alley with a reputation for low-scoring games.
Dutch 200: A score of 200 points exactly, resulting from throwing alternating strikes and spares in each frame.
It takes an apple tree the energy from 50 leaves to produce one ripe fruit.
CANADIAN FIRSTS
Here’s a look at some influential folks from the Great White North.
First Canadian in Space: Commander Marc Garneau was selected for the Canadian Astronaut Program in 1983, and served on the Space Shuttle Challenger in October 1984 as a payload specialist. After a promotion to captain, then to deputy director of the Canadian Astronaut Program, he went to space two more times—in May 1996 and November 2000. He retired from the space program in 2006 and successfully ran for Parliament. (If he ever becomes prime minister, he’ll be the first astronaut ever to serve as a head of state.)
First Canadian in the NBA: Ernie Vandeweghe was born in Montreal but moved to Long Island, New York, as a teenager. He played college basketball at Colgate and was drafted by the New York Knicks in 1949, where, three years into the NBA’s existence, he became the first Canadian-born player to join the league. After he retired in 1956, Vandeweghe also finished a medical degree and became a U.S. Air Force surgeon. He’s also the father of 1980s NBA star Kiki Vandeweghe.
First Canadian to win a Nobel Prize: In 1923 Canadian scientists Frederick Banting and John Macleod were recognized by the Nobel Committee for their discovery and identification of the hormone insulin. That led to a proper diagnosis and better treatments of diabetes—patients would no longer slowly die from the condition, but could take insulin injections and lead normal lives.
First Canadian to win an Academy Award for Best Director: Filmmaker James Cameron was born in Kapsuskasing, Ontario. He’s made some of the world’s most successful and popular movies, including The Terminator, Aliens, The Abyss, Terminator 2, Avatar, and Titanic, for which he won the 1998 Academy Award for Best Director.
First Canadian to win an Olympic gold medal in Canada: Montreal hosted the 1976 Summer Games, and Calgary hosted the 1988 Winter Games. Both times, Canadian athletes were shut out of gold medals. At the third Canadian-hosted Olympics, the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver, Montreal-born skier Alexandre Bilodeau won the gold medal in men’s moguls. By the time the Olympic games were over, Canadians had won a total of 14 gold medals, the most of any country that year.
More earthquakes occur in the Northern Hemisphere than in the Southern Hemisphere.
First Canadian billionaire: K.C. Irving, born in New Brunswick in 1899, began selling cars at age 25, early in the auto industry. He parlayed his earnings into starting Irving Oil, which he grew into the biggest gas station chain in eastern and maritime Canada. Irving is the first native Canadian to reach a net worth of $1 billion. He died in 1992 at age 93.
First Canadian winner of the Pulitzer Prize for Literature: The Pulitzer goes to an author who writes an exceptional book on American themes, but they don’t necessarily have to be American. In 1995 Carol Shields won for her novel The Stone Diaries. Shields was born in Illinois, but married a Canadian man in 1957 and became a Canadian citizen shortly thereafter.
First Canadian Booker Prize winner: This award, handed out since 1969, goes to the author of a book who lives in the British Commonwealth, which includes England, Scotland, Australia, Canada, and former British territories Zimbabwe and Ireland. First Canadian citizen to win it: Michael Ondaatje for his 1992 novel The English Patient. (Two other Canadians have won since: Mar
garet Atwood for The Blind Assassin in 2000, and Yann Martel for Life of Pi in 2002.)
First Canadian to reach the top of Mount Everest: In 1982 the Canadian Mount Everest Expedition set out to summit the world’s highest peak. It was a tragic disaster—a cameraman died in an ice collapse, three Sherpa guides were killed in an avalanche, and six Canadian climbers decided to turn back. On October 5, 1982, one of two remaining Canadians, Laurie Skreslet, and two Sherpas reached the peak of Everest. (Two days later, the other Canadian, Pat Morrow, successfully summited the mountain.)
* * *
A wise man reflects before he speakes. A fool speaks then reflects on what he has uttered. —French Proverb
England’s King George I was German.
WHAT PRICE BEAUTY?
People will do almost anything to themselves in the pursuit of looking younger and more attractive.
LIPS: In 2010 more than a million American women underwent lip augmentation surgery. In addition to older treatments to plump up lips, such as silicone, paraffin wax, and cow-collagen injections, some women have opted to enhance their lips with purified tissue taken from research cadavers or compounds made from their own skin. Cost: $1,500–$3,000
EYES: A new fad emerged in 2002 in the Netherlands. Ocular surgeons there developed a technique for implanting tiny bits of jewelry into a patient’s eyeballs. (It’s legal in the Netherlands, but not elsewhere.) Most popular styles of the platinum mini-jewel: a heart, star, or half moon, which is then dropped into a small incision in the eye’s clear outer membrane. Cost: €700 ($860)
FEET: The problem with expensive designer shoes—they’re often too narrow to fit the average foot. Solution: Some surgeons in Los Angeles and New York are reportedly offering “pinky toe tucks,” in which the bones of a woman’s pinky toes are surgically shaved to make their toes straighter and their feet narrower. Cost: $1,000 per toe
ABS: The fastest-spreading trend in male cosmetic surgery is “abdominal etching,” also known as precision liposuction. Men can have a plastic surgeon suck out only the fat between their stomach muscles. Result: instant “six-pack.” Cost: $5,000–$10,000
TONGUE: Body-modification enthusiasts use their bodies like a canvas—they favor tattoos, piercings…and, since it first appeared in 1996, tongue splitting. Surgeons use lasers, a scalpel, or even fishing line to split the tongue from tip to center. Cost: $750
BUTT: Responding to fears of leaking silicone butt implants, some plastic surgeons now offer “Brazilian butt lift” surgery. They liposuction fat from chubby parts of the patient’s body, then inject it into their flat buttocks. Cost: $7,000
Odds of making a hole in one in golf: 1 in 12,500. Two holes in one: 1 in 67 million.
I’LL HAVE A FATSO BURGER
Try to match the fast-food restaurant to the movie or TV show in which it appeared. We hope this quiz doesn’t make you hungry, because it’s not like you can go out and eat at any of these places. (Answers on page 596.)
1. Mooby’s
2. Mr. Smiley’s
3. Krusty Burger
4. Doublemeat Palace
5. The Lanford Lunchbox
6. Los Pollos Hermanos
7. McDowell’s
a) Pulp Fiction
b) Fast Times at Ridgemont High
c) American Beauty
d) Roseanne
e) Buffy the Vampire Slayer
f) Saturday Night Live
g) Dogma
8. Honker Burger
9. Bronto Burger
10. Taco Town
11. The Chum Bucket
12. Burger World
13. Captain Hook’s Fish and Chips
14. Fishy Joe’s
15. Big Kahuna Burgers
16. Fatso Burger
17. City Wok
h) SpongeBob SquarePants
i) The Flintstones
j) Beavis and Butt-Head
k) That ’70s Show
l) Futurama
m) Breaking Bad
n) Coming to America
o) The Simpsons
p) Doug
q) South Park
Stimulus? Hallmark sells a line of “encouragement” cards for people who’ve lost their jobs.
4 WAYS TO LIGHT A FIRE WITHOUT MATCHES
This might not save you in the even of an apocalypse, but you never know when little tricks like these will come in handy. Not all of these fire techniques are easy, but they do work with practice.
WITH A BATTERY AND STEEL WOOL
Use the batteries from a flashlight, cell phone, or whatever else is handy. Roll a piece of steel wool between your hands and form it into a “wire” long enough to touch both the positive and negative contacts, shorting the battery. (A 9-volt battery is ideal, since the contacts are right next to each other.) When the wool shorts the battery, it will ignite, and you can use it to light a fire.
WITH A FLASHLIGHT
Unscrew the front of a flashlight. Remove the silver reflector, then remove the bulb from the reflector. Place some tinder (lint, dried twigs, moss, or a cigarette work well) through the hole in the reflector, and point it at the sun so that the sunlight is focused on the tinder. When the tinder catches, use it to light a larger fire.
WITH A SODA CAN
The bottom of a soda can has a shape similar to the reflector of a flashlight. Polish the bottom of the can with a chocolate bar until it shines like a mirror (this can take a while), then use it like the flashlight reflector to focus sunlight on some tinder.
WITH A WATER BALLOON
Fill a translucent balloon with water and tie it shut. (Round balloons work best.) Use the balloon like the lens of a magnifying glass. If you hold it one to two inches from the ground, the light passing through it will be focused to a small, bright point. Squeeze the balloon to make the point of light as small and bright as possible, and use it to light some tinder.
Not so sweet: Illinois taxes candy at a higher rate than other food.
DUMB CROOKS
U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia once said, “Law enforcement has many constraints…but the one thing that it has going for it is that criminals are stupid.”
ROBBED AT BULLET-POINT
Verlin Alsept, 59, tried to hold up a Family Dollar store in Dayton, Ohio, in 2012. When the clerk refused to open the register, Alsept held up a .38 caliber bullet and threatened her with it. She wasn’t threatened. He left and was arrested near the store.
HOUSE OF CARDS
In 2011 Benjamin North, 26, of Eureka, California, tried to make a purchase from his local Safeway using a stolen credit card. He might have gotten away with it, too—had he not assisted local sheriff’s deputies in finding him by using his own Safeway Club Card in order to get a discount.
THE SCARLET CHICKEN
When employees of the Chicken Shack in Lakeland, Florida, arrived at work one morning, they discovered that the restaurant had been burgled. It didn’t take police too long to track down the crooks: Chad Berrien, 35, and Rickey Wright, 31, were found a few blocks away, drinking the beer they stole…and wearing brand-new Chicken Shack T-shirts.
VAN-ITY
As two young New Jersey men, Ryan Letchford and Jeffrey Olson, were leaving a party in a Radnor, Pennsylvania, condo complex one night in 2012 they happened upon a Pennsylvania State prisoner-transport van parked in the condo parking lot. The van’s driver, Constable Mike Connor, lived at the complex, and hadn’t closed the door all the way when he parked there earlier that evening. So Letchford and Olson, both inebriated, decided to climb into the back of the van and take photos of each other pretending to get arrested. But when they closed the door all the way, it automatically locked. Their friends eventually found them, only to discover that the door was locked on both sides. Letchford and Olson tried kicking out the metal screen that separated them from the front of the van. No luck. Their only way out: Dial 911. Constable Connor got the call at 5:00 a.m. “I came down and unlocked the doors,” he said, “and ‘Dumb and Dumber�
�� pranced out of the van.” Then they were both arrested…for real.
There are 1,189 chapters in the bible.
THE COPS MUST HAVE “LIKED” THIS GUY
Suggestion: If you’re a fugitive, don’t post a message on your Facebook page saying, “Catch me if you can. I’m in Brooklyn!” That’s what 29-year-old Victor Burgos did. He was wanted in Utica, New York, on domestic violence charges, and after finding out that his mug shot was on the “Ten Most Wanted” list at the Utica Police Department, he decided to taunt the cops online. That was the break they needed. They tracked Burgos to a Brooklyn apartment…where they found him surfing Facebook.
NOT-SO-CLEAN GETAWAY
Three 19-year-olds—Nicholas Kalscheuer, Nicholas Fiumetto, and Andy Huynh—hatched a plan to steal a case of beer from the Baja Ranch Market in Covina, California, in 2011. While Huynh waited out front in the getaway car, Kalscheuer and Fiumetto snatched the beer and then ran out. Employees gave chase and captured Kalscheuer immediately. Fiumetto jumped into the car as Huynh hit the accelerator. But instead of getting away, they swerved to avoid hitting a store clerk, slammed into a curb, and stopped. By this time, the police had arrived, so the two men ditched the car. Fiumetto ran into a nearby car-wash tunnel and became stuck among the brushes and water jets. By the time he escaped—all wet—the cops were waiting for him. Huynh got away, but had left his ID in the car and was captured soon after.
Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader) Page 12